The Pain Goes On

[robertridgeback]

Found out in January that my W was having an A. Been through all the emotional **** that thousands on here have, even tried to hang myself till my brother walked in the garage.

 

In the six months they were together they had sex on 11 occasions, mostly oral (her to him) on the last 2 times it was anal. What hurts the most was on the last time she was with him she had sex with me 3 hours before, she then text him for anal (text was "I want you to F**K my arse"). I also bought her presents that day before we had sex.

 

I've been trying real hard in fact we both have to put it behind us, she tell's me she hates him and when she thinks about him she feels sick and would love to put a knife in him. We have three teenage boys and have been married for 15 years. I found texts that led to D Day, she denied it untill I showed her the text records then confessed 'everything'.

 

The bombshell (did'nt think there was anymore !!) was last night, she had a friend round and I went to bed, woke up and could hear lot's of giggling, went downstairs (OK Crept !) and listened - she was talking about him in a completely different way like he was her sweetheart, giggling with her friend about what they did together (sexually) followed by giggling and laughing, how exciting he was, how he was so different to me, loved the challenge of him, the sex texts, how she would drop everything for him (including her pants !!).

 

I confronted her that night and she admitted that she still has feelings for him and that he is still in her heart by about 10%.

 

I really wanted to move on but I've been so F**kin low over the months, she has held me when I've been on the floor and told me what a good man I am and that he was a total scumbag whom she detests and has no feelings for at all apart from hate and revenge.

 

I really wanted things to work but feel this is one big F**kin nail in through my heart.

 

Just to add on dday she confronted him, and he made it quite clear that he did not want to know her (it was made clear at the start of the A that he was not after romance, just sex) she says that he got in her head and could not let 'it' go, there has been no contact with him since January.

[imagine]

This is her action, not yours. Do not blame yourself for the event.

 

We all are automatically geared to cheat. It is our will power that prevents it. She has betrayed you and her children by her action. Your children need to know!

 

The next question is, do you want to live with a wife like that? She has rejoiced in her betrayal and continues to serve herself. She also keeps company with hoes who will listen to her.

 

Further, she has acknowledged you as a good man. There are a disproportionate worldwide percentage of women to men. Here in Cape Town there are seven women to every man.

 

What makes you think that she is redeemable?

[karnak]

The things you write are so shocking that I wonder if you're a Troll or something.

 

Because, if you're not, geez... you wife has no morals whatsoever.

 

I may be wrong here (women here can give you a better view on the subject than I), but a woman who performs oral and anal with her lover must have some strong connection with him. It must be more than just "sex for fun". You're really number 2 here.

 

But what is worse is the lies: she says that "she hates him and when she thinks about him she feels sick and would love to put a knife in him"???

 

LIES LIES LIES

 

Beware, my friend. If your post is real this woman is a serious manipulator and deceiver. Get rid of her. Better for you and your children.

[robertridgeback]

The things you write are so shocking that I wonder if you're a Troll or something.

 

Because, if you're not, geez... you wife has no morals whatsoever.

 

I may be wrong here (women here can give you a better view on the subject than I), but a woman who performs oral and anal with her lover must have some strong connection with him. It must be more than just "sex for fun". You're really number 2 here.

 

But what is worse is the lies: she says that "she hates him and when she thinks about him she feels sick and would love to put a knife in him"???

 

LIES LIES LIES

 

Beware, my friend. If your post is real this woman is a serious manipulator and deceiver. Get rid of her. Better for you and your children.

 

To be honest I wish all this was made up, wish it was a nightmare - it certainly feels like one.

 

The ammount of betrayal is ongoing in my eyes, as if these thoughts in somekind of way to keep deceiving me. Be interested in the female point of view here.

[anne1707]

Robert

 

I am a former WS who has reconciled with her H (so you know where I am coming from)

 

 

Found out in January that my W was having an A. Been through all the emotional **** that thousands on here have, even tried to hang myself till my brother walked in the garage.

 

In the six months they were together they had sex on 11 occasions, mostly oral (her to him) on the last 2 times it was anal. What hurts the most was on the last time she was with him she had sex with me 3 hours before, she then text him for anal (text was "I want you to F**K my arse"). I also bought her presents that day before we had sex.

 

You know an awful lot of detail here. Was that because you demanded honesty? She volunteered all details to be completely honest with you? Or did she reveal in a vindictive manner?

 

 

 

 

I've been trying real hard in fact we both have to put it behind us, she tell's me she hates him and when she thinks about him she feels sick and would love to put a knife in him. We have three teenage boys and have been married for 15 years. I found texts that led to D Day, she denied it untill I showed her the text records then confessed 'everything'.

 

Even though my H and I immediately decided we wanted to reconcile, it did not mean that I was "over" the ex-OM just like that. However I also felt it was unfair and inappropriate to hurt my H even more by openly showing that pain. He knew it was happening but I tried to deal with it through IC. The strength of feelings your wife is expressing about this man is not good so long after Dday - she is still emotionally involved with this man even if the relationship has ended and they do not see each other.

 

 

 

 

The bombshell (did'nt think there was anymore !!) was last night, she had a friend round and I went to bed, woke up and could hear lot's of giggling, went downstairs (OK Crept !) and listened - she was talking about him in a completely different way like he was her sweetheart, giggling with her friend about what they did together (sexually) followed by giggling and laughing, how exciting he was, how he was so different to me, loved the challenge of him, the sex texts, how she would drop everything for him (including her pants !!).

 

This is completely out of order in so many ways. She is betraying you by expressing these feelings, she is undermining you to her friend and she is showing a lack of respect for your feelings. Are you sure that the affair really is over?

 

 

I confronted her that night and she admitted that she still has feelings for him and that he is still in her heart by about 10%.

 

No. She's wrong. It's more than 10%.

 

 

I really wanted to move on but I've been so F**kin low over the months, she has held me when I've been on the floor and told me what a good man I am and that he was a total scumbag whom she detests and has no feelings for at all apart from hate and revenge.

 

And what do they say about hate and love? Two sides of the same coin. She cannot argue that she has no feelings for this man yet say she hates him. I know the emotional confusion I went through over the ex-OM (and anger/hatred were in there) yet now I can say that I am indifferent to him. Now I have no feelings for him which means I do not even waste my hate on him.

 

I really wanted things to work but feel this is one big F**kin nail in through my heart.

 

((hugs))

 

 

Just to add on dday she confronted him, and he made it quite clear that he did not want to know her (it was made clear at the start of the A that he was not after romance, just sex) she says that he got in her head and could not let 'it' go, there has been no contact with him since January.

 

Does that mean she actually wanted to be with him? Is she only with you because he turned her down? This is not going to work unless she really does want it as much as you do. She should be making every effort to work on this marriage with you and help re-build your trust in her. Have either/both of you done IC/MC?

[robertridgeback]

Robert

 

I am a former WS who has reconciled with her H (so you know where I am coming from)

 

 

 

 

You know an awful lot of detail here. Was that because you demanded honesty? She volunteered all details to be completely honest with you? Or did she reveal in a vindictive manner?

 

I demanded to know everything, if we were to make a go of things then I wanted the pain out of the way in one hit.

 

 

 

 

 

Even though my H and I immediately decided we wanted to reconcile, it did not mean that I was "over" the ex-OM just like that. However I also felt it was unfair and inappropriate to hurt my H even more by openly showing that pain. He knew it was happening but I tried to deal with it through IC. The strength of feelings your wife is expressing about this man is not good so long after Dday - she is still emotionally involved with this man even if the relationship has ended and they do not see each other.

 

Agreed

 

 

 

 

 

This is completely out of order in so many ways. She is betraying you by expressing these feelings, she is undermining you to her friend and she is showing a lack of respect for your feelings. Are you sure that the affair really is over?

 

I have watched her like a hawk and done things that I would not wish to divulge, needless to say there has been absolutely no contact.

 

 

 

 

No. She's wrong. It's more than 10%.

 

 

 

 

And what do they say about hate and love? Two sides of the same coin. She cannot argue that she has no feelings for this man yet say she hates him. I know the emotional confusion I went through over the ex-OM (and anger/hatred were in there) yet now I can say that I am indifferent to him. Now I have no feelings for him which means I do not even waste my hate on him.

 

 

 

((hugs))

 

 

 

 

Does that mean she actually wanted to be with him? Is she only with you because he turned her down? This is not going to work unless she really does want it as much as you do. She should be making every effort to work on this marriage with you and help re-build your trust in her. Have either/both of you done IC/MC?

 

I do feel like 'the parachute', you know he's not interested so it's back home to the faithfull labrador.

[Chrome Barracuda]

...I think you should just file for divorce. she did all this betrayal and then got the nerve to giggle to her friend about it in YOUR house. Dude, i would have been the first to kick her out. Who's to say she wont do it again? Who's to say if it's not with this guy, it wont be with someone else?

 

She doesnt have any respect for you or herself.

 

It's too early for her to be redeemed, alot of times you know when your spouse or girlfriend is remorseful, but i think she's just paying you lip service.

 

Keep your eyes open trust but verify.

[painfullyobvious]

If you stay with her you will forever replay that conversation with her friend in your mind. When I was cheated on, I only had mental images that I created from an affair but you have a person who openly discusses the excitement factors, "the differences", and the challenge. I do not know how you begin to get that conversation out of your mind without getting rid of her. That was truly an appalling level of disrepect.

 

So she wants a challenge ask her how long it would take to find an apartment. See how much excitement this guy brings to her life when you begin to move on and this guy is done with his fun. Tell her you will not tolerate a person who blantantly enjoys crumbling your heart like a patato chip. Send her to her friend for a evening of story time because you have scheduled a meeting with a divorce lawyer at your home and than glleefully laugh about how funny that is

[In Like Flynn]

What you heard that night was her true self not what she says. Her stating she hates him is for your benefit only. She hates him only because he used her for sex only when she wanted it to be more.

 

At the least she must lose her friend that giggled along with her about your suffering. You should divorce her because she really is not remorseful only sorry she got caught, but it sounds like you will not. Recovery with someone that giggled about the sex she had with him is not remorseful and you can't recover with someone who is not!!!

 

Good Luck!!!!

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would have put up with such humiliation and disrespect from you? Her comments to her friend indicates her true self. He did not want her so she is with you because you are the door prize. Her actions clearly indicates that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Is she really the only woman on this planet that you want to be with?

[What_Next]

Wow, that is absolutely terrible!!! I cannot imagine going through that.

 

I demanded to know the details of my EX's sexual contact with her OM as well and in the end it only served to make things worse as I know she lied about it. In a way I wish she had told me the truth about what they did. I know she did not though.

 

Your wife's actions and words do not add up. Do yourself a favor and leave this woman.

[RobD70]

Rob, you need to harden up.

 

Do not show her any emotions from you, be cold to her and act like nothing effects you.

 

I don't think you, or most people, can deal with this type of betrayal long term. Had my wife done all that I would had been divorce long ago.

[TigerCub]

Rob, I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

 

Not only did she betray you, but she was laughing at it with her friend later

 

That whole line about "I hate him, I want to put a knife in his heart" sounds like complete BS. If I was a WS, I wouldn't even say that, because it sounds like an obvious exaggeration. I'm sure WS express that they don't feel any love towards APs to their BS, but to go as far as proclaiming so much hate, just sounds like an obvious lie.

 

Why do you want to give her a chance after she proved that she'll cheat on you, she'll lie to you (and only confess when you provide evidence), and then have the nerve to laugh at it with her friend in YOUR house?!

 

She doesn't deserve any 2nd chances, IMO.

Even if you 2 have kids - can you get past all that, rebuild trust with someone like that, and have a happy stable home life?

 

I am truly sorry that you went through something so terrible.

How you heal is upto you.

 

Best wishes

 

Edited to add: a bitch like that isn't worth dying over - I hope you get the help you need.

[robertridgeback]

Many thanks folks for your help and support on this, It's been a living hell. I'm so empty inside,like one of those horror movies were they open a secret door to a room with a shocking hidden secret inside - you know full of cobwebs,horror and emptiness. Feels like my soul has been replaced with a lump of lead.

 

I'm gonna pull through this - I know I can, your honesty on this does help.

 

Thanks Rob.

[karnak]

 

I'm gonna pull through this - I know I can, your honesty on this does help.

 

 

Yes you will, man! And you're gonna be happy and find someone decent to spend the rest of your life with!

 

And your sons will be proud of you. You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of.

 

Every time you feel down or need to vent, come here and write anything that crosses your mind. Don't be afraid of writing ridiculous stuff or making no sense.

 

All the people on this forum are here to help you and guide as best as they can.

 

Peace and strength to you.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Many thanks folks for your help and support on this, It's been a living hell. I'm so empty inside,like one of those horror movies were they open a secret door to a room with a shocking hidden secret inside - you know full of cobwebs,horror and emptiness. Feels like my soul has been replaced with a lump of lead.

I'm gonna pull through this - I know I can, your honesty on this does help.

Thanks Rob.

 

I get it... it hurts.

 

Now.... what do you plan to do about it? Let her laugh at you?

 

Stop crying on the floor! Instead of making her feel bad for hurting you... it just reinforces her decision to cheat on such a wimpy guy.

 

I'm going to recommend the application of some backbone here. I'd seize control of all bank accounts and credit cards. I'd kick her out of the house... then I would decide what direction to take things. Most likely I would pursue a divorce... but that's up to you.

[U2RockZz]

boss, it's really torturing to eyes to imagine what you are going through for months.....but why do you wish to go through the life such life....please don't give excuses like kids,finances.....she is crazy as hell....i hope you realize it and get rid her sooner rather than later.....for me this is not a life....attempting suicide for a lady is the poorest thing you cud ever do in your life.....you live for you....die for you....get your head out of your a@@ and use the brain and plan a strategy to get rid of her in cheapest possible way.......if you can't do any of the above....have an affair for yourself....this lady has to know what it's like to be in your shoes.......

 

i strongly suggest that get rid of the OLD CAR and get a brand NEW one.......

[pureinheart]

Hi Robert,

 

Can I ask why you would put your business out there like that...way too much info.

 

Though anonymous, this is still a WW site, and some of that business is a bit privite, No?

[karnak]

Hi Robert,

 

Can I ask why you would put your business out there like that...way too much info.

 

Though anonymous, this is still a WW site, and some of that business is a bit privite, No?

 

Are you suggesting that he is a Troll?

 

And, in case he's not, I think the last posts aren't really being very helpful concerning the man's status now.

 

Above all else he really has to keep very cool now and judge well what his next course of action will be.

[robertridgeback]

Folks,

 

It's been some time since I posted on here. I've had a lot of therapy since this, the military have been good to me. Sent me on an ex military course for those with PTSD, it really helped in a big way, made me see that there is a future out there for me. Trouble is I'm still in some kind of love with my wife, I know many on here will be shocked at that, but I've given her 25 years like she has with me.

 

She's moved away to be with her parents as she said that she could'nt get over him, the plan is for me to follow her at some time and try ans restart.

 

I made her make me a promise well it was more like a vow!! the promise was that she would never discuss this with anyone bar her parents and family, if we were to make a go of it then it was important to me that nobody knew about the past. When I took the kids up to see her a few weeks ago, I asked have you told anyone like you promised/vowed, she said 'look into my eyes I am so sorry for the pain that I have caused, I made that promise to you and I will not break it, I have come here to forget about him, to start afresh, and so will never discuss the affair with anyone'.

 

I saw her at the weekend and after finding texts !!, she admitted that she has discussed the affair with co-workers !!

 

She does'nt understand the impact that this has caused, I can't understand why she would discuss it with anyone after the promise she made. So much for starting afresh.

 

Just feel like there will NEVER be any trust. WHY WOULD SHE DISCUSS IT WITH GIRLS AT WORK......................... Is he still in her HEART ??

 

Again Many Thanks

[Distant78]

Folks,

 

It's been some time since I posted on here. I've had a lot of therapy since this, the military have been good to me. Sent me on an ex military course for those with PTSD, it really helped in a big way, made me see that there is a future out there for me. Trouble is I'm still in some kind of love with my wife, I know many on here will be shocked at that, but I've given her 25 years like she has with me.

 

She's moved away to be with her parents as she said that she could'nt get over him, the plan is for me to follow her at some time and try ans restart.

 

I made her make me a promise well it was more like a vow!! the promise was that she would never discuss this with anyone bar her parents and family, if we were to make a go of it then it was important to me that nobody knew about the past. When I took the kids up to see her a few weeks ago, I asked have you told anyone like you promised/vowed, she said 'look into my eyes I am so sorry for the pain that I have caused, I made that promise to you and I will not break it, I have come here to forget about him, to start afresh, and so will never discuss the affair with anyone'.

 

I saw her at the weekend and after finding texts !!, she admitted that she has discussed the affair with co-workers !!

 

She does'nt understand the impact that this has caused, I can't understand why she would discuss it with anyone after the promise she made. So much for starting afresh.

 

Just feel like there will NEVER be any trust. WHY WOULD SHE DISCUSS IT WITH GIRLS AT WORK......................... Is he still in her HEART ??

 

Again Many Thanks

 

Point blank. Your selfish wife doesn't give a damn about the 25 years you and her built or been together. The fact that she threw it all away for a 10-minute fuucck and then kick you while you're down shows how selfish and how far she's willing to go to get some strange dyck. She continues to disrespect you and tell your marital problems at work is because she has no boundaries, and doesn't care about the marriage. No self-respect for herself. The reason why she moved to her parents was not to "get over him," it was to see him or talk to him on the phone without you in sight. She lied to you, had sex with you and boning someone else, and continually breaks promises she made on the altar and to you. Does that really sound like someone you want to be married to forever? Get a good divorce attorney to know your rights because she's toxic.

[RobD70]

Your wife is a whore.

 

Tell her to F*** off and get a divorce YESTERDAY.

 

You will never get your marriage back and she is not interested in getting back with you. She's not away to forget about him, it's to get away from you.

 

I'm sorry Rob, you are in denial if you think this will work out. She is not worth it and you will never have her 100% again. You'll find someone better (it would be hard to do worse).

 

Get angry and get away and stop believing what she says. Of course she is going to lie to you, she doesn't care about you romanitically anymore and has no respect for you.

 

 

Run, run, run, run, run!

 

Also: Run

[Rose1977]

Robert, I am so sorry you are going through this still. I think you know the answer but you are afraid to admit it to yourself. You need to get divorced. She is not going to stop, she has no respect for you. You have to have more respect for yourself and realize you don't deserve this! You deserve to be with someone who will love and respect you. Everyone deserves that. Trust me when I tell you, she sees you as her fallback - she "knows" you would never leave her. She won't know what hit her if you file for divorce. I can tell you if my H/BF - or ANYONE - tried to kill themselves as a direct result of my selfish actions, I would stop immediately and never forgive myself. But instead she keeps bringing you more pain. You have to be the one to put a stop to it. She doesn't deserve you. It's been close to a year, and she is still pulling the same crap. It's not going to stop. I'm so sorry you are going through this, especially around the holidays.

 

Those of us who have been betrayed and worked through it can tell you all of the things our BF/Hs did to show us the changes. After my bf got caught (for the final time), the changes were fast and immediate, and it's something he still works at. He changed so much other people noticed it. Your wife hasn't changed at all, and my heart is so sad for you.

[UnsureinSeattle]

There's a lot of hurt people on this site... a lot of people with reasons to be be upset, mistrustful, etc. That tends to weight much of the advice here towards the negative, for right or wrong.

 

I'm a man who was wronged in the past. My lady and I are trying to get over it. Somedays it's fine, somedays not. It wasn't physical- it was emotional. And it happened more than once. And she was only somewhat remorseful for what she'd done. Honestly, our relationship, as far as being lovey-dovey or whatever together, is only back to about 80% of what it was. I tell you this because, in a much, much less terrible situation, we're still struggling to get thru it. We've been together for 10 or 11 years.

 

So, keeping in mind that so many on this site will instantly say "leave her" because they are coming from a place where they were really, truly hurt like you were, are they are understandably bitter... and I'm no different, but I'm (we are) trying to work thru our problems...

 

You need to leave this woman. I don't think, from what you've said, even taking into account the length of your relationship, that she's worth pursuing. She's not sorry. She doesn't respect you. She came back to you because she was jilted by the other man. You're a safety net for her...

 

I feel so sorry for you. But you need to realize that you're worthy of love and respect- and that she isn't worth the time of day from you.

 

 

Best of luck.

[robertridgeback]

Thanks guys, your right I am in denial !!

 

But why the ****, would she want to discuss this with girls she has known for a metter of weeks, why would she break that MASSIVE PROMISE, Anyone......................?

 

Thanks