Do I have any chance of getting her back ? Or should I just leave her be and move on.

[Kreem0]

Hello, I’m really reeling here, hopefully you can help.

 

Me and my ex girlfriend were dating for the past 1yr. 1/2.*When I initially started dating her I somewhat did it to get*over a previous relationship I was in but she was so easy to*get along with we ended up staying together for quite some*time. During the course of our relationship I had expressed*

to her that I wasn’t sure about our relationship and if we*should continue it; I did this 3 times. I was confused*

thinking that because I was only 20 id be missing out on*something if I committed to being with her for a long term*period and I also didn't feel at times that she would be*someone I would be with for years to come. *We never broke*up during the times I felt that way but we came close and*

she expressed to me that she cried & felt very bad each time*and that it felt that we broke up each time even though we*stayed together. Honestly we've had few fights and arguments*

and always got along. We go to the same school and generally*used to hang out in the same area. When we were together I*saw her whenever we could which usually worked out to be*

about 2 or 3 times a week. I then began working at a job*that took up much of my time and I was also going to school.*We saw each other even less during that period and I know it*

really put a strain on our relationship. Eventually she went*on a trip for the summer for about 3 weeks. When she came*back she invited me to a couple events with mutual friends*of ours and for whatever reason I had a bit of an attitude*and declined to go. The next event she invited me too she*said we had to “talk” afterwards and when I proceeded to ask*why she said that she “wasn’t feeling it anymore” and we*

broke up. She asked if we could be friends and I declined*telling her that I didn’t think I could be her friend. After*

we split I thought about the reason why she didn’t want us*to be together anymore every day. I came to the conclusion*that I didn’t do enough to show that I actually did love her*

and that there was nothing wrong with being happy with*someone at any age. Apart from not being able to see her as*much as I wanted too I always felt that she had all the*qualities I would look for in someone. I think the biggest*problem was that I kept thinking about us as a long term*

couple and didn’t take things on a day by day basis and*Didn’t really show her that I cared about her as much as I*

did. I didn’t have much contact with her afterwards but I*got pretty emotional and texted her saying “If you don’t*mind I’d really like to talk to you” she replied saying “I*really don’t”. I even asked her what the reason was and she*just replied saying “I explained it already”. I felt*horrible wondering why after having a relatively good*

relationship for so long she could be so cold. So I resorted*to emailing her a letter the next day. Basically saying that*I loved and cared about her and I’ve realized a lot of the*mistakes I made including being so “confused” and I’m sorry*about them. Had I known then what I do now things would have*

been much different and that while I’d love to be able to*call her my girlfriend again I just want her to be happy*

whether it’s with me, alone or someone else. In the letter I*stated that she didn’t have to reply and if she didn’t I*would just leave her alone from that point forward. She*replied the next day saying that she cried when she read*what I wrote and basically said that it’s best that I just*“give her some time” and that she “may or may not come*around” and that I should “just forget about her and focus*

on school”. I really would like to have her back as my*girlfriend again but at this point I’m not sure what to do*

and I refuse to turn into a nuisance or a bother. We usually*used to hang out in a central area of the school which is*

where I met her. Unfortunately everyone I know she knows as*

well and it’s difficult not to see her sometimes on campus*or hear about her from friends and listen to their accounts*of why she broke up with me. At this point I try to avoid*

that area as much as possible and avoid seeing her whenever*I can. We currently don't talk at all and it's been a little over a month but I figured I'd give her her space. I guess I would just like to know if I have any*chance of saving our relationship and what I should do to do*so, or if I’m just better off forgetting about her and if she wants to fix things believe that she'll contact me.*Sorry I wrote so much, but I do appreciate the advice

Thank you

 

Also here are some Additional Details

 

Well i've heard some things from mutual friends of ours about the situation. One friend stated that when he asked her what happened she basically said that "I said i was confused a couple times before about if we should even be together (which is true)" and she "just felt differently", another friend asked and said that she just said "things changed" and most recently a friend of mine said that when he mentioned my name in front of her she replied saying "could you please not say that name anymore" and worse off a few people tell me that based on what she said as far as forgetting about her and us both deserving to be happy that she very well could possible be with someone else. It hurts alot but i guess if i have no choice but to move on thats what ill have to do. I guess I'm just holding on to her "maybe she might come around" and thinking she might do just that. I'm just not sure honestly.*

[Angel1111]

Well I'm sorry you're hurting about this but I think you need to be honest with yourself before you take any steps to try and get her back. Since you did express to her 2 or 3 times that you weren't sure about her, and about the relationship being long-term, why did that change? Or did it change? I guess what I'm asking is why all of a sudden are you so crazy about her when you've been so ambivilant about your relationship with her all this time. I would've done exactly what she did if a guy told me that he wasn't sure about me, only I would've done it sooner.

 

If you wanted freedom to do what you want to do and to explore other relationships, well here's your chance and you're not taking it. I think you first need to really think about this because if you do get this girl back, you had better be certain that's what you want. If you get back with her and utter one peep about being uncertain or act dismissive toward her, she'll bolt. Are you able to maintain that kind of consistency? If you want my opinion, I don't think you can because I think something was missing for you in this relationship. But now that she's gone, you're scared and wonder if you missed the boat. I really do think this issue will come up again if you get back with her - that's why I say that you need to give this serious thought. Right now, you're distracting yourself with wanting her back, and you're not really thinking about it.

 

The first step to getting her back is to become gradually present in her life again. Since your relationship ended because of your lack of enthusiasm about her and the relationship, then obviously the thing to do to repair it is to become enthusiastic about it again. Talking to her, maybe meeting with her for coffee and taking her up on her offer to be friends may be effective. I'll just warn you that you'll have to be persistent to prove to her that you're not going to flake on her again and you have to be willing to overcome any obstacles she puts in your way (i.e. dating another guy or rejecting you). But being her friend can be used as an excuse to open that door. Just a warning, though, you've done a good job of burning her and if I were in her shoes, I wouldn't take you back. Be prepared for her to have that same attitude because people aren't usually willing to let someone hurt them again.

[Kreem0]

Well when I was with her she was just SO into me and I think it boosted my ego to the point where I felt that no matter what I did she wouldn’t leave. I didn’t treat her particularly bad as a result but there was no fear of her not being happy so I didn’t put forth enough effort. Coupled with the fact that In my head I was thinking that as the guy I was supposed to project a carefree attitude and also, the fact that she couldn’t really leave and visit me even though she constantly and consistently offered suggestions to get around that. Looking back I feel like I care so much now because now it’s easier to see how much she did and I feel like even though I didn’t think I was “in love” with her she was someone I genuinely cared about and I didn’t give us or myself a chance to let our relationship grow. I feel like things would be much different if I knew what I know now months ago we would still be together.

I keep a relatively small circle of close friends and when we started dating she became one of my closest and I feel as if I have a large void in my life because of it, even though when we were together I didn’t even show her how important she was to me. I feel your exactly right though as that’s what other people have expressed to me that they would have left much sooner than she did as well and that I basically walked all over her (even though that was never my intention). At this point I don’t really want the freedom to explore anything, I do feel that if we were to get back together with the realization that I have now I would be ten times more enthusiastic and it would be genuine. However at the same time not only do I not know if we’ll ever get back together (everyday it seems less likely) but even if we did I don’t know if she would have the same passion that she once did or ever “feel the same” again.

I at times did feel that something was missing, but it was more along the lines of thinking that “we would never get married” or “I’m not sure if I see myself with her say 10 years from now” which I’m not sure is the correct way of thinking about things but It’s not a way I’ll ever think about a relationship again. I’m not sure how not to distract myself with wanting her back, I’ve been thinking about it everyday since we split up. As far as trying to talk to her again, after I tried asking her to explain why we split up and if I could talk to her, I sent her a rather long email and this was her reply:

 

 

“That was a pretty long email, dont wanna make it as long. Yes ur

email did make me cry. No i am not mad at you, but its best if u give

me time to come around. I may or may not. And as fr the break up, it

was not becuZ Of you, i just didnt feel the same way anymore, and dont

be sad, u deserve so much better. We both deserve to be happy, and I

want u to focus on school and forget me. Your always gonna be the

first amazing boyfriend. It's worth the tears and pain. But my

feelings changed and maybe one day they'll change bak and maybe it'll

be too late. But who knows. For now I'm good and I have no grudge

against u, I just need my space. I understood ur email, and ur

feelings. But know you were a great bf and you Will Also be a great

husband. Like I said give me time to come around.”

 

Take care.

 

I genuinely care about her but at the same time I wouldn’t want her thoughts of me to dwindle down to the point where she thinks of me as the guy “who wont let it go” or a “bother” to her. I also have absolutely no idea how to interpret "may or may not" come around, i keep reading that and thinking there might be something i can save or salvage or that she still might care. When she initially broke up with me she asked if we could be friends and as the time I told her that “I didn’t think I could be her friend” she said “that’s not what I said before” but she respected that. The thing Is I do see her sometimes when were at school in an area where we usually relax in between classes. But we haven’t spoken at all since she sent me that email and I’m not sure how or even IF I should approach her given what she said. This is my 2nd relatively serious relationship and I’m not a bad person at all but I don’t know much about relationships and I guess I had to go through this to learn but I really feel like jerk.

Please let me know what you think about what I’ve said though I also have the initial letter I sent her although its long. In any case thank you so much for your response I don’t know you but your reply helped me a lot.

[jayone]

I think you should move on. You have some issues you need to resolve and question yourself.

 

Your situation is a little like what I am going through. When I am with my gf I don't love her, I dislike her, I want her gone and then when she is gone I miss her, I get upset and want her back.

 

She don't deserve that, and I don't have to feel that way. That is not love. That's a mess. In my case it ties down to I don't like being alone, or should I say, I've never been alone so I have to get used to it at the age of 26.

 

Let her move on, take some time to explore yourself and hold out for a girl that will make you truly happy. They do exist.

[Angel1111]

What she means by 'may or may not' is that she really doesn't know if she'll be able to resurrect her feelings for you or not. It's an unknown.

 

What concerns me the most about this situation is that you weren't consicous of feeling in love with her. I'm just wondering if you only want her because you now can't have her. This lack of feeling from you is a red flag and I don't know if you really do love her. This is something you really need to think about.

 

I think it's important for you to give her space right now so that both of you can reasses things and so that the dust can settle. This is very important if you really want her back. Contact her in about a month by email or text and say hello to her. Don't use a comment that puts pressure on her or requires a response - don't say anything like, 'How are you doing? Would you like to talk?' -- don't say that. Say something more like, 'Just wanted say a quick hello. You're in my thoughts.' That way, you let her know you're still thinking of her but you're not putting pressure on her. If she contacts you and the conversation gravitates toward seeing one another again, then do it. But if it doesn't, give it another week and contact her again. At xmas time, if you're still not seeing one another, send her a beautiful xmas card with a very brief note and sign it 'love, Kreem0". Then go back to contacting her every week until the first of the year and then, around that time, ask her if she wants to see you. (If at any point in time she tells you to leave her alone, then do it and don't ever contact her again - this shows respect on your part). If she tells you that she's seeing someone new, continue to contact her once a week, (unless she asks you not to).

 

Also, when you're around your friends and they ask you how you're doing, tell them what you would want HER to hear - that you're miserable, that you're missing her, that you're a mess, etc. Believe me, that will get back to her and it will work in your favor. This isn't about deceiving her, it's simply about using what you have in your favor - and mutual friends can be a plus in this situation.

 

I know all this seems like a long time but if you both have real feelings for one another, this amount of time won't matter. It will also prove to her that even though time has passed, you're sticking with the idea of being with her again. And that's what she needs to know - that you'll hang in there and that you really mean it, because right now, she doesn't trust your motives.

 

I doubt that much time will go by and that she's likely to come around faster than that. The reason I say that is, first of all, time has a reverse effect on relationships and causes people to start seriously wanting that person back around the 1 to 3 month mark. Secondly, we're coming into the holiday season and her emotions will probably get the better of her. And with you contacting her, it's most likely going to hit her hard.

 

So I believe you can get her back but first you need to be certain that's what you want - and giving her and yourself a month break will be a good thing. Even if she starts dating someone right away, that doesn't mean it's going to last so don't let that stop you from contacting her or seeing her as a friend. Just try what I suggested above.

 

I hope it works out for you; but I also hope you really do some soul-searching in the next month before you do anything. You do not have the right to hurt this girl again.

[carhill]

College age, on campus?

 

That's the 9.95 buffet on steroids. Take what you've learned and grab another plate. Remember, even the buffet has value. Value it. That's one of the lessons. Sounds like you got that one. Your ex-GF will be fine. She has her own buffet.