Is there someone from many years ago who you can't forget?

[nycgirl6]

Sorry if anyone has asked this question. I'm brand new to this board.

 

Back in college (20 years ago), I had an obsession (E) and a shoulder to cry on (J). I loved both, but due to my obsession with E, I remained only friends with J. J and I did have one make-out session which blew my socks off, but it couldn't change my mind about E. Same old story. Boy who treated me well (and I had great fun with) couldn't compete with boy who wasn't as interested.

 

When I look back at that time, I think that J obviously thought the world of me, and I wanted to keep it that way. I think I was afraid to ever have him take me off a pedestal (although he did see my warts as I was always upset over E), and I couldn't handle him ever being bored or mad at me which would have happened if we were in a relationship. He also had a complete vision for his life - what he would do and where he would live which came completely true - while E was more daring and exciting. Both made me laugh but E put me in hysterics.

 

I'm a pretty determined person, and after 8 years, I tied E down and we got married. The marriage didn't work out pretty early on. In the years before I got married, I think J got fed up with me as I wasn't a relationship, and I was less and less of a friend. Whenever he was in a relationship, I got pretty possessive. Finally, we went out to dinner one night, and after he left, I could tell he was over it.

 

About five years after my divorce, I found J on the internet and emailed him that I would be coming to his business as a customer. We were very close at one time, and we never fought, and so of course he was welcoming. I came with a mutual friend, and we all talked a little bit and that was it. I came a couple more times and same thing. He was polite and friendly but not more than that. I was hoping it would prompt him to email me and suggest we see each other alone but nothing.

 

I assumed he wasn't interested so I let it go. It's been three years since the last time I have seen him, and I can't stop thinking about him. I emailed him this innocent dream I had about him, and as usual, he was pleasant but that's it.

 

I'm such a different person now. I would love to just spend some quality time talking to him and catching up. I want to explain why I acted the way I did when we were kids. But I'm not getting much reaction, and I want it to be on a very comfortable friend level like we used to have.

 

I've decided to leave it alone, and maybe just comment on his fb once in awhile when appropriate. I don't really need advice. I know it sounds like maybe he's just not interested in me or is busy or whatnot and that's fine.

 

After this long story, I just want to know if anyone has hooked up with someone from their past and how it worked out. And similarly, if you are in a LTR, is there someone in your past that you can't seem to put behind you?

[aerogurl87]

Not in this same predicament but one of my more recent exes from about a year ago still had this vision of us being together in the future the last time I talked to him. Right now he's pursuing his dream of joining the military, but he said that if in the future everything falls into place he still wants me back. He also asked me randomly where I saw myself in 5 years, one day. Given our horrible history together this still boggles my mind, although I can think of a few reasons why he may feel this way.

 

Anyway, unless a break up was caused by outside sources (ex. moving away) then I don't think it's best to get back with an ex. They are exes for a reason.

[nycgirl6]

aerogirl - thanks for your reply. I completely agree with you that I would never get back together with an ex, and I wouldn't.

 

In my situation, this is a relationship that never really got off the ground in the first place. And it was a wonderful friendship - just had no place to go as I was fairly involved at the time.

[nycgirl6]

sadintexas - I'm really curious to hear your story if you care to tell it!

[nycgirl6]

whinenot -

 

yes I am much more mature now which is why I stated I don't need advice. I know how to handle my business. I was asking for other people's experiences, and I'd love to hear yours if you have one.

 

And actually, the mature thing to do would be to start a casual friendship and see where it takes us, not make a huge declaration of passion to a person I haven't really talked to deeply for many many years. That would just be downright silly.

[Ella whispers]

Yes!

I haven't seen K since 5/1/2000. How lame is it that I remember the date....

 

We were never together but had a very intense connection.

He is my biggest regret in life, I never told him how I felt.

Now all I do is spill my guts....

[InternationalPlayboy]

I was the "J" in a relationship like this in high school and college and she knew exactly how I felt about her. Somewhere along the line I grew up and realized what we had was actually puppylove, a crush or just one of those early adulthood romances that wouldn't handle the real world. I eventually stopped contact - I was simply bored. She's tried to contact me a couple times, but I've not responded. I think of her sometimes, but kind of the same way I think of any friends - male or female - from my old neighborhood. Nothing romantic about it.

 

Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans, as John Lennon aptly put it.

[nycgirl6]

Sad, Ella, Playboy, Walk - I love that I got four different experiences! Thank you guys!

 

Sad - thanks for repeating your story for me. It made me smile big.

 

Ella - Fortunately, I don't think it's my biggest regret only because I'm not sure we would have been a good couple anyway. My emotional issues at the time probably would have ruined a good friendship.

 

Playboy - Thanks for a man's pov on it. It kinda hurts to think that might be where he is at since it was such an important friendship to me. But that definitely could be the reality, and I almost accept it I have exes (not former crushes) who have kinda tried to come back into my life, but the fire on my side was out, and I found it flattering and a tiny bit annoying. I guess that happens when desire burns too long without anywhere to go. I love that line from Apologize - "I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue".

 

Walk - That's interesting how we realize how much we've changed (and often it's a relief and a source of pride!) All I really wanted was a chance to talk to him maybe over dinner or something to see if we really had grown in different directions or if maturity would start something that was still there.

 

I have a confession to make. I rarely rarely do things like this, but sometimes I get a thought in my head and can't rest until I act on it. I woke up ridiculously early in the morning and wrote him an email just telling him how much his friendship had meant to me in the past, that I had loved him back then even if I wasn't as good a friend to him as he always was to me and I just needed to tell him that. Etc. etc. I kept it fairly light and didn't talk about having any feelings today (because I have no idea). I told him I would have said this all in person but I thought that might never happen. (I said it much better than this but that was the gist).

 

I ended it by adding that if he's ever in my town to look me up and we'll go hang out. We live a plane ride away from each other. My hope isn't that he writes me back, because I have a feeling whatever he would write would disappoint me (unless it was that he wanted to talk on the phone or something). All I really want is for him to call me if he's ever in my town so we can have dinner and talk.

 

I feel a little stupid now, and maybe a little vulnerable, but I also feel like I said what I needed to say and made it clear that my door was open. That's a relief in itself even if he's thinking ugh!

[aerogurl87]

Sad, Ella, Playboy, Walk - I love that I got four different experiences! Thank you guys!

 

Sad - thanks for repeating your story for me. It made me smile big.

 

Ella - Fortunately, I don't think it's my biggest regret only because I'm not sure we would have been a good couple anyway. My emotional issues at the time probably would have ruined a good friendship.

 

Playboy - Thanks for a man's pov on it. It kinda hurts to think that might be where he is at since it was such an important friendship to me. But that definitely could be the reality, and I almost accept it I have exes (not former crushes) who have kinda tried to come back into my life, but the fire on my side was out, and I found it flattering and a tiny bit annoying. I guess that happens when desire burns too long without anywhere to go. I love that line from Apologize - "I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue".

 

Walk - That's interesting how we realize how much we've changed (and often it's a relief and a source of pride!) All I really wanted was a chance to talk to him maybe over dinner or something to see if we really had grown in different directions or if maturity would start something that was still there.

 

I have a confession to make. I rarely rarely do things like this, but sometimes I get a thought in my head and can't rest until I act on it. I woke up ridiculously early in the morning and wrote him an email just telling him how much his friendship had meant to me in the past, that I had loved him back then even if I wasn't as good a friend to him as he always was to me and I just needed to tell him that. Etc. etc. I kept it fairly light and didn't talk about having any feelings today (because I have no idea). I told him I would have said this all in person but I thought that might never happen. (I said it much better than this but that was the gist).

 

I ended it by adding that if he's ever in my town to look me up and we'll go hang out. We live a plane ride away from each other. My hope isn't that he writes me back, because I have a feeling whatever he would write would disappoint me (unless it was that he wanted to talk on the phone or something). All I really want is for him to call me if he's ever in my town so we can have dinner and talk.

 

I feel a little stupid now, and maybe a little vulnerable, but I also feel like I said what I needed to say and made it clear that my door was open. That's a relief in itself even if he's thinking ugh!

 

Oh I love Apologize by One Republic, well the original version anyway. I think what you did was fine and I get like that myself too. In fact, I got this way this past January with the ex I talked about in my previous post. I texted him to say happy new year one day and that sort of flowed into me apologizing for what I did to him. Surprisingly enough he texted me back apologizing for what he had done to me and we both forgave one another. It felt good to get that out I must say and it gave me final closure.

 

Also I think it's good you don't really expect anything from him. Good to go into situations like this with an open mind and not expecting things to end like a Hollywood film of lost love.

[nycgirl6]

aero - Yeah, rom coms are definitely not my bag!

[Allisha]

I’ve given bits and pieces of an abbreviated version in different threads, but here’s the whole story:

 

We met 16 years ago when we were both in our mid 20’s and fell in love. I’d never felt like that about anyone.

 

We had been together about a year and one night we got a call from his father. He had a daughter from a previous relationship who was just under two when we met. She lived in his home state (his company had transferred him to Texas where we met). The ex had moved some guy in with her and the guy was abusing the little girl. His family went to check it out and the living conditions were deplorable. It’s the only time in all the years I’ve known him that he lost it.

 

Shortly thereafter, he told me he was being transferred back to his home state temporarily. We agreed to have a LDR as the assignment was only supposed to be about 6 months. The 6 months came and went and what I became aware of later was that he’d asked for the transfer so he could go back and fight for custody of his little girl. His first priority was taking care of her and he thought he’d go get custody and come back. With the reports against the mom, he thought it would be an open and shut case.

 

He did fight and eventually lost. He decided he needed to stay in his home state so he could continue his fight and watch over his daughter. We both had very different lives almost 1,000 miles away from each other so we knew it had to end. The good thing that came out of that is that he did eventually win the custody fight.

 

He and I remained friends through all these years, but we both moved on and married other people. I ended up filing for divorce from my husband about ten years later. The year my divorce was final I vacationed in his state with a friend and met him and his wife for dinner. It was the first time we’d seen each other since he’d left Texas.

 

I can’t begin to describe the feelings I felt when I saw him again. The chemistry and connection between us was still so strong. Although so many years had passed, it felt just like it did the day he left. I really had no idea that was coming because we had maintained nothing but a truly innocent friendship (with our spouses fully aware) for all that time.

 

We talked after I returned home and he told me how he felt when he saw me. He felt as I had. I distanced myself from him after that. He tried to call but I just couldn’t talk to him because so many feelings had been re-awakened. A couple of years later he divorced his wife and came looking for me.

 

We rebuilt slowly (thanks LS!) and recommitted to each other earlier this year. It’s been over a year now since he came for me and we’re getting married in three weeks. We were going to wait until next summer to marry, but decided we don’t want to spend any more time apart. We’re doing what we should have done all those years ago.

 

 

He came looking for you?! That is ADORABLE! I'm such a hopeless romantic.

 

 

Congratulations to you both.

[ColdFox]

Thank you. We are very excited

 

Congratulations, sadintexas. Your story is very touching and I wish you joy together.

 

The only man I have had trouble forgetting is my husband and he is irretrievably gone forever, as he is passed away. It has been a few years but I am finally coming blinking back out into the sunlight. It is not really healthy to dwell on your past forever, always thinking "what if...".

[nycgirl6]

awww... Fox. I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. I'm glad things are getting better.

[AIC]

I've had 3 experiences in the past where I hooked up with ex's again and none of them worked out. I agree there's a reason why they are your ex and it doesn't often change with time.

 

I do think about people from my past occasionally but that's nothing sinister just who I am, can't explain why, I don't fantasize or anything I just wonder how they are. If I ever contacted them I'm sure it would be more wierd than fun.

 

I don't have any experiences similar to OP. Probably because I was a tart and always had a crack at the time!

 

When I got together with my current partner any feelings I had for any other woman from the past just got washed away. I admit I get attracted to other woman's legs or breasts ha ha but it's nothing serious just a guy thing having an innocent perve. I've been with my partner for 9 years we have 2 kids and I still think she's hot as hell and want to jump her bones at any opportunity.