Aimee3 Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 Hey everyone. I'm sorry, I wasn't sure where to post this so I thought I'd post it here. I need help. I am in love with a friend of mine who is getting married in three weeks. I knew it was coming for a while but I always thought that when the day arrived I'd be able to handle it. Well, guess what, I'm not. For the past month I've been bursting into tears at random- it doesn't take much to set me off sometimes, just little things. It's killing me inside that I won't get to be with this wonderful and amazing person. I don't know what to do or how to cope. I decided I can't go to the wedding, that would just kill me. But I don't know what else to do. I've thought about changing my phone number and cutting this person out of my life completely, to make it easier to get over them. But at the same time, I'm terrified if I do that then I can't help them in case they need me. And the thought of a life without them is so painful. But I can't have them in my life either. What do I do? How do I cope with this? I'm not doing too well in day-to-day life, I just want to curl up and hibernate until this all goes away. It hurts so much.
spiderowl Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 (edited) Sorry to hear this. I can well imagine how painful this is. Much as you wouldn't want to hear it, he's marrying someone else over you. I think part of the pain of unrequited love is that one feels so bound to them that we forget they have other priorities. He may be a wonderful man but at the moment you need to look after yourself. You don't need to rescue, save or look after him. He will have his new wife to do that. He might miss you greatly if you weren't around as you are such good friends, but equally, he should understand if you can't cope with being around him with him being with someone else. Sometimes the only thing to do is not to have any contact for a long time. This gives you chance to gain some perspective and get over things. While he's around, he's likely to generate the same feelings in you, leaving you in a state of constant tension and despair. This constant state of anxiety, fear and hope is extremely exhausting (I'm sure you know that). You need to get some rest from it. It won't be easy to cut him out of your life but in the long run it will help as you find your emotions gradually settle down and you'll wonder why he had such a grip on them. If necessary, you might have to tell him why you are cutting him off. I'm sure if he truly is a friend, he will realise that you need this time to recover. Mentally sending him on 'sabbatical' for a year would help as it avoids the trauma of feeling that you'll never see him again ever, but gives you lots of time and space to come to terms with losing his company. You'll gradually involve yourself with other people and he will gradually drft from your thoughts. Edited October 3, 2010 by spiderowl
nycgirl6 Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 Counseling, therapy, etc. When I was younger, I would fall pretty hard for some people and be devastated when they moved on. My reactions always seemed a little more severe than other people in the same situations. I hid it pretty well though as I always had tons of emotional control, but it would tear me up inside. Therapy helped me realize some of my emotional reactions were more about my childhood than the current situation I was facing. It really helped! If you don't have childhood issues, then time will be your therapist. Give yourself permission to feel sad and cry. Don't feel like you should just get over it. That adds guilt on top of mourning.
Meaplus3 Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 I know the feeling of un returned love. Honestly, the best thing you can do is to forget about the person. While I know first hand it's no easy task.. It's in your best intrest to move on Think about all the time and energy you will waste loving someone who's in love with someone else. Take all that energy and and apply it to something or someone that can be a benefit to you. You can and will get past this. Mea
breadnbutter Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 Hey everyone. I'm sorry, I wasn't sure where to post this so I thought I'd post it here... I just want to curl up and hibernate until this all goes away. It hurts so much. It's hard. It's painfully hard to get on. But I think you will have to pull through. I can't offer any advice. But I know what you are talking about. Also, you cannot be two things ta a time. Either swallow that lump in your throat and help them with their marriage or just escape, vanish for a while during the wedding. Be natural and cut off all ties until you can stand the pain. Have you ever told the person that you like him? IF not then its your mistake! I am going through an almost similar situation so to say. I like two men, one my partner and the other a distant friend. The second one doesn't know that I like him and it is low on my side to go and tell him that when I am in a relationship and it doesn't lack much. He would end up hating me for that. To hell with our hearts, girl. It needs stronger reins.
Author Aimee3 Posted October 3, 2010 Author Posted October 3, 2010 Thank you guys for your advice. It was really kind of you to respond and it made me feel a little better. I think the reason I want to stay friends is because I secretly hope something will happen and I'll have a chance... but my head knows that the possibility of that is very slim to none so if I stay I'll just be subjecting myself to more heartbreak. I've decided that I'll try and cut this person out of my life as much as possible, and I'll do it the day after the wedding (to give myself time to say goodbye). It's hard, because from the moment we met we had a lot in common and would talk to each other really frequently, so I'll be giving up something that's become a part of my day-to-day life over the past two years. And nycgirl6, I think I will try your suggestion of therapy, I don't think it necessarily has anything to do with my childhood but you never know. And it might help me resolve these and other issues I have as well. Thank you guys for replying, it means a lot to me.
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