pureinheart Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 I wasn't there when she told them...I was outside of the house trying to sort through my thoughts/feelings (this was the afternoon of d-day...I'd got my "proof" that morning). I did ask them what she said, provided some clarifications where she'd been (deliberately?) vague, but overall she'd been honest and up front about what she'd been doing, what she was going to do, and what she thought would come out of all of this as a result. At that point, I was totally and completely stunned by her choice to go live with OM as a result of d-day. For a huge number of reasons. Given that, I had no confidance at all that she was going to change her mind. She was making the most ill-thought out decision I'd ever known her to make. She'd been acting completely out of character for herself for several months at that time...so I couldn't even hedge a guess at what the outcome was going to be. All I could do was to make the best choices I could to protect everyone involved, including our kids and her if possible. She had so many issues Owl, and I know you are being asked many questions...although what is your take as the reason to her melt down (and IMO that is exactly what it was). I believe her to be traumatised in some way, and I say this because I made A LOT of bad choices after a series of traumatic events.
Owl Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 She wasn't traumatized. Her affair was the result of many different factors...some in her control, others not so much. The choice to have the EA was all hers of course...but the things that affected her decision making processes were all from several factors. She'd broken her ankle the year before, and because she refused to take the action she needed to, she lost her job as a result. She decided to be a SAHM at that point, and I had no issue since we could afford it. Unfortunately, that led to her online gaming which REALLY started to affect our marriage. Throw into that mix four teenagers, two of them getting ready to graduate the following year. LOTS of stress at home dealing with all of them... Factor in some poor understanding of emotional boundaries along with gaming in a mostly male environment... And a marriage now being strained by her long hours spent gaming. So the bottom line was that she had poor stress-coping skills, untreated depression, anxiety and stress being created by the family/kids, and an online gaming addiction. Put her in that gaming environment with all kinds of 'men' looking to hook up with anyone actually female, and throw in her normally overly emotional method of communication/poor boundaries and you've set the stage for an EA to happen. No 'trauma'...just a number of things all working together at one time. She saw him as her "way out". It would have been an exit affair had things gone differently. But she wouldn't have been happy with him. Her "issues" would have all gone with her in some fashion or another. She'd have gotten there (assuming he was who he said he was...and honestly I do believe that he was honest with her for the most part), and she would have been miserable within six months. He smoke...she's allergic to cigarette smoke big time. He drank a lot...she can't stand that. He swore he'd change for her...but we all know how that works out. The kids would have taken a LONG, LONG time to accept her relationship with him. And I would have completely and totally removed myself from her life. Thank God that it didn't work out that way.
Author kuma Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 After DDAy, he wanted to immediately reconcile but I refused, believing it to be for all the wrong reasons. (Status quo! Yuck!) I moved out for three days to allow him to pack his things and to spare my children from some very destructive rage and devastation on my part. They did, however, have a family meeting with their father and gave him quite an earful, especially our two daughters. Where he went after that, who knew? Not us. (I eventually found out that he spent two weeks at his OW's, grew miserable, and moved into hotel rooms after that.) I would not take his calls, but his children did, and he remained involved in their lives, as much as they would initially let him. When we(me) finally began to talk of the possibility of reconciliation, he wrote them a very heartfelt letter. In it, he explained his depression and feelings of worthlessness and why. He also told them it had absolutely nothing to do with me. He took ownership of his actions. It touched their heart, and whether they responded to him or not, I never asked. I hope they did. They did not need to know all the details and do not. Sex? Who would tell them anything of that? All they know is that he had an affair, it broke our hearts, and they have seen how hard we, he especially, has worked every day to make ammends to me and to them. Nothing wrong with that. In fact, it is all good. I'm glad that it all worked out in the end. EmeraldEyedGirl is right. Your H handled it well.
Author kuma Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 I wasn't there when she told them...I was outside of the house trying to sort through my thoughts/feelings (this was the afternoon of d-day...I'd got my "proof" that morning). I did ask them what she said, provided some clarifications where she'd been (deliberately?) vague, but overall she'd been honest and up front about what she'd been doing, what she was going to do, and what she thought would come out of all of this as a result. At that point, I was totally and completely stunned by her choice to go live with OM as a result of d-day. For a huge number of reasons. Given that, I had no confidance at all that she was going to change her mind. She was making the most ill-thought out decision I'd ever known her to make. She'd been acting completely out of character for herself for several months at that time...so I couldn't even hedge a guess at what the outcome was going to be. All I could do was to make the best choices I could to protect everyone involved, including our kids and her if possible. Owl, I can't imagine what you went through. I'm sure you still remember that day quite vividly. Anyway, I'm glad she finally came to her senses. They told him: "How did you become exactly the type of man you warned us our entire adolescence to stay away from?" Ouch. Ouch!!!
Author kuma Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 problem is, the WS wouldn't tell the exact truth of it. they'll downplay it and not say, "I screwed around on your mom/dad". they'll just give the old tripe, "your mom/dad and I just aren't meant to be together" Yes. She moved out and filed for a divorce. She rented an apartment and lived alone for 6 months or so. As soon as the divorce was final she married her co-worker. They both left their spouses after all the kids are grown. I think this is pretty typical.
Author kuma Posted October 5, 2010 Author Posted October 5, 2010 I am not sure if you are referring to this reply to EEG, or my reply to OP. My reply to EEG, I do think it is way out of line and TMI for kids to know about the parents sex life...to know that one parent was seeing another person is different (and that depends on what the motive is for it, most cases I don't see it as the kids business), although specific sexual details...way not cool IMO. My sitch, I chose not to say anthing about the kids father, what was the point, the M was done. I like their fathers, although was not happy with them at the time...still, what was the point. In Owls case he did it in a mature manor and was not vindictive...that is where many cross the line IMO...vindictive is not cool, and teaches the kids nothing but hate. In exDM's sitch, based on their behavior, they had been taught by their mother to hate their father, it was very sad and still is, I see his pain. I am so glad I don't have to deal with such things these days. No parent is perfect, and no parent knows exactly what to do during times of high emotional stress, although things can be fixed if a person removes themselves from denial. If I might throw this in, we all have a "tone", a way about each of us...I notice that when some posters post, they bring such a peace to the thread, I feel calm after reading the rational logic...others I feel the uneasiness within them, fear, hatred etc. Kuma, you have a calming effect BTW, thank you. Pure, can you really blame BS for telling their children? I'm not saying their behaviors are justified, but WS's act caused BS's insane behaviors. I agree with you that they should control their emotions. But it's not realistic that WS and AP expect BS to act calm when their affair is revealed. I also agree no parent is perfect. WS and BS are not perfect. Thank you for your kind words.
Author kuma Posted October 5, 2010 Author Posted October 5, 2010 I agree, they shouldn't, although some do and I wonder how they got there. I could have cared less, I was too busy with my own life, even as a kid...more interested in graduating early from HS, bf's, friends...roller skating, tennis team, swimming team, etc.... Pure, you were talking about parents' sex. I just assumed you were still talking about WS's sexual details. I thought about September's xMM and your xDM's stories, I didn't pay attention. Sorry. Pls. ignore my previous post.
Author kuma Posted October 5, 2010 Author Posted October 5, 2010 It should be the WS that tells their children. I mean, if the WS and AP wind up together, isn't it kind of a given? It is highly unlikely that any adult child would believe that their parent just met the love of their life the very SAME day they moved out of the marital home?! Even young adult children get it and younger children will eventually figure it out too. And there's no need for sordid details, but to not say anything is kind of like staring the elephant in the room right in the face. Besides, an adult child would undoubtedly question their parent about it. And wasn't that the intent of the OP? Whether adult children should be told? If a M has lasted the length of the adult child's life, that is a long-term M. They already know what their parent is like and will know when something is up. And if they become aware that their parent is with another person soon after a separation, it is like putting one and one together and coming up with two. EEG EEG, I realized my post was wrong. Pls. ignore. Thanks!
Dexter Morgan Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 Yes. She moved out and filed for a divorce. She rented an apartment and lived alone for 6 months or so. As soon as the divorce was final she married her co-worker. They both left their spouses after all the kids are grown. I think this is pretty typical. LOL, they didn't even give themselves time to date around and enjoy being single again. they'll be cheating on each other sooner or later. morons
NoIDidn't Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 My neighbors were once swingers. The H decided he wanted to stop and thought that meant his W would too. She didn't. She continued to cheat on him and he apparently let her. The whole neighborhood, I'm told, knew about her cheating ways. Well, she left him a few years ago and told their teenaged son that she wasn't seeing anyone. But she married that someone the day after her divorce became final. The son was livid, and has lost so much respect for her. He has two older siblings that felt the same about their mom (H was not biodad, but raised them to adulthood). The WS in this story never told the child, but the child put two and two together and rightly came up with four. I said as much before in a thread that discussed the children and the blending of families, and it seemed to upset a poster to see that fact put in print. Truth is, the kids see this stuff and they aren't stupid. Anyone that gets married so soon after a divorce was pretty obviously cheating. It doesn't take the BS to tell the kids that. Kids have friends that have divorced parents, and they all talk to each other. My kids have friends who have gone through their parents divorces as young as four-years-old. They talk. I've had to field questions from my kids about divorce and what it could mean to them and I'm not getting divorced. I don't see the point in the WS not telling the kids other than to not have to disclose the unsavory truth. But whether they do or don't, the kids figure it out eventually (regardless of age when the divorce happened). My neighbor's kid is no longer as angry with his mom (after therapy), but he would have liked to have been told. His life was turned upside down by her omission and direct lies about seeing someone else. Some seem adamant that only the WS has the right to tell the kids about the new love in their lives. I think the WS is RESPONSIBLE to do so, but the other parent also has the right to do so, IMO. Especially when the kids ask them directly. I would never advise someone to lie to their kids to cover for the person they are asking about. I might tell them to stall, but never to lie about it.
worlybear Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 I still wonder if my STBXH lost his brains along with his trousers. He was so certain he was untouchable that when D day arrived ,he truly thought that after a flurry of reproaches that our 4 adult children and younger child,(then 7) would pat him on the back and life would carry on, much as before, with OW in prime position in some extended family fantasy. Reality is very different. ALL the kids were disgusted by STBXH's belligerence and attitude.(long story posted in previous threads.) 18 months on: youngest daughter(nearly 9) has had no direct contact with him for nearly a year.(Her choice, I have encouraged her to write to him in case she changes her mind (and its like pulling teeth) but she feels deeply betrayed as he lives with her former best friend as his stepdaughter alongside the OW) Older daughter- limited email contact.(Her choice.) Son 1- currently in prison for drink/drive offence (his father gave him his car despite knowing son had alcohol problem and mental health issues.) He has limited contact with father as he will need somewhere to live when released.) Son 2- No contact. Says his father is dead. Son 3- Ditto. ALL adult kids have been in counselling- youngest refuses it. Life is not a fairytale and there are no happy endings.-just endings.
Confused4Now Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 I still wonder if my STBXH lost his brains along with his trousers. He was so certain he was untouchable that when D day arrived ,he truly thought that after a flurry of reproaches that our 4 adult children and younger child,(then 7) would pat him on the back and life would carry on, much as before, with OW in prime position in some extended family fantasy. Reality is very different. ALL the kids were disgusted by STBXH's belligerence and attitude.(long story posted in previous threads.) 18 months on: youngest daughter(nearly 9) has had no direct contact with him for nearly a year.(Her choice, I have encouraged her to write to him in case she changes her mind (and its like pulling teeth) but she feels deeply betrayed as he lives with her former best friend as his stepdaughter alongside the OW) Older daughter- limited email contact.(Her choice.) Son 1- currently in prison for drink/drive offence (his father gave him his car despite knowing son had alcohol problem and mental health issues.) He has limited contact with father as he will need somewhere to live when released.) Son 2- No contact. Says his father is dead. Son 3- Ditto. ALL adult kids have been in counselling- youngest refuses it. Life is not a fairytale and there are no happy endings.-just endings.Well I can assure you this...sounds like this guy wasn't much of parent to his kids. Being a WS now a DM my kids know about my A partner and even though she never came to me. All three of them are pretty much with me. Thats cause I was a great DAD to them. I was completely honest with them and they know how their mom treated me. The bottom line is ....my kids want to see me happy. That's cause I made sacrifices early on and they's seen who was there the whole time.
September Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 Well I can assure you this...sounds like this guy wasn't much of parent to his kids. Being a WS now a DM my kids know about my A partner and even though she never came to me. All three of them are pretty much with me. Thats cause I was a great DAD to them. I was completely honest with them and they know how their mom treated me. The bottom line is ....my kids want to see me happy. That's cause I made sacrifices early on and they's seen who was there the whole time. Couldn't agree more! My pre-teen children and I have a fantastic relationship and they have the full knowledge of my A (courtesy of my at the time very upset xH forcing me to tell them all). They hold no bitterness or resentment towards me whatsoever. Sometimes we have discussions about parents breaking up and why A's can and do occur in the first place. They also have a wonderful relationship with their father as do I even though we have been separated for a year. Thankfully, my children are incredibly happy, do well in school, are affectionate and loving and haven't had or needed any councelling and you know what? We can both can take credit for that because I am proud of the way both my xH and I have behaved and raised them.
Author kuma Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 LOL, they didn't even give themselves time to date around and enjoy being single again. they'll be cheating on each other sooner or later. morons They're not together anymore... no cheating. They both realized that they weren't soul mates.
Author kuma Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 My neighbors were once swingers. The H decided he wanted to stop and thought that meant his W would too. She didn't. She continued to cheat on him and he apparently let her. The whole neighborhood, I'm told, knew about her cheating ways. Well, she left him a few years ago and told their teenaged son that she wasn't seeing anyone. But she married that someone the day after her divorce became final. The son was livid, and has lost so much respect for her. He has two older siblings that felt the same about their mom (H was not biodad, but raised them to adulthood). The WS in this story never told the child, but the child put two and two together and rightly came up with four. I said as much before in a thread that discussed the children and the blending of families, and it seemed to upset a poster to see that fact put in print. Truth is, the kids see this stuff and they aren't stupid. Anyone that gets married so soon after a divorce was pretty obviously cheating. It doesn't take the BS to tell the kids that. Kids have friends that have divorced parents, and they all talk to each other. My kids have friends who have gone through their parents divorces as young as four-years-old. They talk. I've had to field questions from my kids about divorce and what it could mean to them and I'm not getting divorced. I don't see the point in the WS not telling the kids other than to not have to disclose the unsavory truth. But whether they do or don't, the kids figure it out eventually (regardless of age when the divorce happened). My neighbor's kid is no longer as angry with his mom (after therapy), but he would have liked to have been told. His life was turned upside down by her omission and direct lies about seeing someone else. Some seem adamant that only the WS has the right to tell the kids about the new love in their lives. I think the WS is RESPONSIBLE to do so, but the other parent also has the right to do so, IMO. Especially when the kids ask them directly. I would never advise someone to lie to their kids to cover for the person they are asking about. I might tell them to stall, but never to lie about it. It's very similar to my story. Thanks for sharing. I still wonder if my STBXH lost his brains along with his trousers. He was so certain he was untouchable that when D day arrived ,he truly thought that after a flurry of reproaches that our 4 adult children and younger child,(then 7) would pat him on the back and life would carry on, much as before, with OW in prime position in some extended family fantasy. Reality is very different. ALL the kids were disgusted by STBXH's belligerence and attitude.(long story posted in previous threads.) 18 months on: youngest daughter(nearly 9) has had no direct contact with him for nearly a year.(Her choice, I have encouraged her to write to him in case she changes her mind (and its like pulling teeth) but she feels deeply betrayed as he lives with her former best friend as his stepdaughter alongside the OW) Older daughter- limited email contact.(Her choice.) Son 1- currently in prison for drink/drive offence (his father gave him his car despite knowing son had alcohol problem and mental health issues.) He has limited contact with father as he will need somewhere to live when released.) Son 2- No contact. Says his father is dead. Son 3- Ditto. ALL adult kids have been in counselling- youngest refuses it. Life is not a fairytale and there are no happy endings.-just endings. worlybear, I really hope your youngest daughter will go to counseling. She needs it. Please take care of yourself. Your kids need you.
pureinheart Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 She wasn't traumatized. Her affair was the result of many different factors...some in her control, others not so much. The choice to have the EA was all hers of course...but the things that affected her decision making processes were all from several factors. She'd broken her ankle the year before, and because she refused to take the action she needed to, she lost her job as a result. She decided to be a SAHM at that point, and I had no issue since we could afford it. Unfortunately, that led to her online gaming which REALLY started to affect our marriage. Throw into that mix four teenagers, two of them getting ready to graduate the following year. LOTS of stress at home dealing with all of them... Factor in some poor understanding of emotional boundaries along with gaming in a mostly male environment... And a marriage now being strained by her long hours spent gaming. So the bottom line was that she had poor stress-coping skills, untreated depression, anxiety and stress being created by the family/kids, and an online gaming addiction. Put her in that gaming environment with all kinds of 'men' looking to hook up with anyone actually female, and throw in her normally overly emotional method of communication/poor boundaries and you've set the stage for an EA to happen. No 'trauma'...just a number of things all working together at one time. She saw him as her "way out". It would have been an exit affair had things gone differently. But she wouldn't have been happy with him. Her "issues" would have all gone with her in some fashion or another. She'd have gotten there (assuming he was who he said he was...and honestly I do believe that he was honest with her for the most part), and she would have been miserable within six months. He smoke...she's allergic to cigarette smoke big time. He drank a lot...she can't stand that. He swore he'd change for her...but we all know how that works out. The kids would have taken a LONG, LONG time to accept her relationship with him. And I would have completely and totally removed myself from her life. Thank God that it didn't work out that way. Wow Owl, I read your reply/answer to my question, then forgot to respond:o...got sidetracked...lol...having renewed my motivations in "home improvements", well maybe it's the paint fumes? My son does that gaming stuff and it's completely addictive, and yes it is mostly males. My son is trashing himself behind this mess. His unemployment expires here soon and I don't think he's beating the steets to find a job, a job might get in the way of the gaming...excuse the sarcasm, I'm just disgusted right now. They use this gaming crap as an escape...hey job wise, I've been blessed to a degree, yet 14 lay offs in 25 yrs, I'd say I have experience with knowing when it's time to cut the crap and hit the streets heavy to look for work...hey when I was employed in my normal field I was a wanted commodity, as there are a handful of people with these certs...BUT when the project was finished my "credentials" didn't mean chit in the REAL world..."ah ya, that's nice, but your over/under qualified" (ok done with rant). My son can't keep a R because of that gaming. Owl, I remember when he was 9 or 10 when that Nintendo came out...we got him one, well, every morning his eyeballs were hanging out of his head, and I'm thinking WTH...took him to the doctor...lol, caught him at 3am playing that damn thing...through it out the front door, oh I was pissed! I can really see what went down Owl...she was stressed, bored and turned all of the depression etc. towards the gaming as an escape. Personally I think it's evil and am going to have talk with my son this weekend (actually a 5 or 6 hour lecture)...my kids HATE my lectures. I don't care. Most on here would say I'm nuts and that is wrong. Again I don't care. They work. I have always been pro-active in my kids lives, I see something out of line and I start asking questions, getting into their heads, getting the truth. Our families need us Owl, we make sense to them and they have stability with our encouragement. The gaming was a drug, and my son is about to go cold turkey! If God be for us, then who can be against us! Now I just want God to send the right helpmate, when He sees fit:) ((((((hugs to you and your W and family)))))
worlybear Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 I am pleased to read that other people have still got good relationships with their kids after D day. Sadly my STBXH made it very clear verbally to all our kids that the OW (and by extension her daughter) would now come first. When I tried to talk to him about this, he told me that, "they are grown up and I'VE done my bit":sick: and, in the case of our youngest daughter-"she'll get over it.":sick: Now he wonders why they will have nothing to do with him! Re counselling for 9 yr old, she had a chat with my counsellor but got very upset when gently asked if she would like some more "chats." I decided it was best to leave it for now, but she does have her godmother(great lady!) to chat to about everything. Yes, I totally agree- he's an absolutely CRAP father and what makes it even worse he is a primary school teacher!!! My youngest son actually wrote to the school where he is working and let them know about his previous poor behaviour in his previous school, and it was obvious from the school's response that they knew nothing of his history and had already appointed him. As a parent, quite frankly, I would be v. concerned that a teacher was appointed with so little checks on his previous appointment (its unusual for a HT to be asked to leave!) Glad my daughter doesn't go to a school where such minimal checks are made! What a caring man!
bentnotbroken Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 I think Mr. Messy had no idea what his affair would do to his children. He used the youngest as a cover more than once:sick:and the oldest saw him and ow together. It is something that I believe he now regrets because the rebuiding process doesn't erase the words or actions that you said about them or to them. Had he and ow ended up together I can't say I would encourage a relationship with either of them. Not right, but it is the truth.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 They're not together anymore... no cheating. They both realized that they weren't soul mates. because the both realized they'd rather boink other people. yup, they were soul mates because it was new. both of them will think any new person that comes into their life that is exciting will be soul mates......until the relationship gets a little age on it. people like that should be prohibited from getting married.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 I am pleased to read that other people have still got good relationships with their kids after D day. my relationship with my kids is fantastic! even if it is just every other weekend. they have a happier father and I can enjoy my time with them.
Author kuma Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 (edited) When I tried to talk to him about this, he told me that, "they are grown up and I'VE done my bit":sick: and, in the case of our youngest daughter-"she'll get over it.":sick: Now he wonders why they will have nothing to do with him! Re counselling for 9 yr old, she had a chat with my counsellor but got very upset when gently asked if she would like some more "chats." I decided it was best to leave it for now, but she does have her godmother(great lady!) to chat to about everything. Wow:sick: worlybear, keep focusing on yourself and kids. Glad to hear she has someone to talk to. I'm sorry that she has had to go through this. She's only 9 years old! I think Mr. Messy had no idea what his affair would do to his children. He used the youngest as a cover more than once:sick:and the oldest saw him and ow together. It is something that I believe he now regrets because the rebuiding process doesn't erase the words or actions that you said about them or to them. Had he and ow ended up together I can't say I would encourage a relationship with either of them. Not right, but it is the truth. Your ex used your child as a cover? That's unbelievable! What was he thinking? people like that should be prohibited from getting married. My mom got married again. But she remarried my dad. I really thought it was a joke when she told me they were getting married again. Unbelievable... Edited October 6, 2010 by kuma
Gfkr2 Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I think Mr. Messy had no idea what his affair would do to his children. He used the youngest as a cover more than once:sick:and the oldest saw him and ow together. It is something that I believe he now regrets because the rebuiding process doesn't erase the words or actions that you said about them or to them. Had he and ow ended up together I can't say I would encourage a relationship with either of them. Not right, but it is the truth. My StbxW was stuipd enough to bring her MM home for a night of fun when I was away on business, and unfortunately, they were both caught in the act by my then 16 year old daughter. I have to laugh at these folks agonizing whether to tell their grown children about an A. Just Laughable. Geez, did you ever think your older children DESERVE the truth?? Young minds are infinately resilient when compared to us old timers... My kid and I never had a choice, and she is very much on the road to recovery from her Mom's moment of pure stupidity:mad:
NoIDidn't Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 Well I can assure you this...sounds like this guy wasn't much of parent to his kids. Being a WS now a DM my kids know about my A partner and even though she never came to me. All three of them are pretty much with me. Thats cause I was a great DAD to them. I was completely honest with them and they know how their mom treated me. The bottom line is ....my kids want to see me happy. That's cause I made sacrifices early on and they's seen who was there the whole time. Couldn't agree more! My pre-teen children and I have a fantastic relationship and they have the full knowledge of my A (courtesy of my at the time very upset xH forcing me to tell them all). They hold no bitterness or resentment towards me whatsoever. Sometimes we have discussions about parents breaking up and why A's can and do occur in the first place. They also have a wonderful relationship with their father as do I even though we have been separated for a year. Thankfully, my children are incredibly happy, do well in school, are affectionate and loving and haven't had or needed any councelling and you know what? We can both can take credit for that because I am proud of the way both my xH and I have behaved and raised them. I am very happy to see you guys post that there IS a chance for a positive outcome when the A is revealed to the kids. Even when someone else tried to use that revelation to hurt you and your R with them. Sometimes, though, I think the BSs that "force" the WS to tell the kids, aren't doing so to embarrass them, but to continue to foster trust between the WS and the kids. You don't want your kids finding out from someone else. You want them to find out from YOU. Most posters feeling that telling the kids about the A is bad, do so because they don't want to be judged for their actions - not because they don't want the kids in their business. And the kids will and do judge, we are the ones that taught them that. But they also learn that things aren't always B&W and respect being told the truth. People respect you more when you tell them the truth. One's children really aren't any different from anyone else.
Spark1111 Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I am very happy to see you guys post that there IS a chance for a positive outcome when the A is revealed to the kids. Even when someone else tried to use that revelation to hurt you and your R with them. Sometimes, though, I think the BSs that "force" the WS to tell the kids, aren't doing so to embarrass them, but to continue to foster trust between the WS and the kids. You don't want your kids finding out from someone else. You want them to find out from YOU. Most posters feeling that telling the kids about the A is bad, do so because they don't want to be judged for their actions - not because they don't want the kids in their business. And the kids will and do judge, we are the ones that taught them that. But they also learn that things aren't always B&W and respect being told the truth. People respect you more when you tell them the truth. One's children really aren't any different from anyone else. I think this is so true! My mother never apologized for ANYTHING! It was her way or the highway, and if ever wrong, silence. I think it was born of insecurity and low self-esteem. My father would always listen to all sides and he always tried to be fair with us. If, at a later time he felt he had erred with us, he always apologized! He was the more confident parent. Guess who we respcted more as adults raising our own children? Yep, the one who owned his mistakes and apologized. We forgave him....a lot. Why would the revelation of an affair be any different? There is a choice to be made and an age-appropriate mea culpa to make to one's children, IMHO. Would we protect them from a gambling addiction, a drug addiction, or another issue in a parent that is affecting the whole family? Are we protecting the children? Because children are very intuitive. They may not know what the problem is, but they too are walking around with a knot in their stomachs if there is unvocalized tensions in the home. I think as in all situations, the keeping of secrets is a protection to one's self, not the kids.
Confused4Now Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 I am very happy to see you guys post that there IS a chance for a positive outcome when the A is revealed to the kids. Even when someone else tried to use that revelation to hurt you and your R with them. Sometimes, though, I think the BSs that "force" the WS to tell the kids, aren't doing so to embarrass them, but to continue to foster trust between the WS and the kids. You don't want your kids finding out from someone else. You want them to find out from YOU. Most posters feeling that telling the kids about the A is bad, do so because they don't want to be judged for their actions - not because they don't want the kids in their business. And the kids will and do judge, we are the ones that taught them that. But they also learn that things aren't always B&W and respect being told the truth. People respect you more when you tell them the truth. One's children really aren't any different from anyone else.What's funny about the whole thing is even though I didn't end up with xMW my xW still throws that crap in my face and my kids face. Meanwhile my kids and I continue our own way like we always have without my xW no doubt. Yeah I owned up and was honest with my kids. I still was there with them through everything and they respect that. I'm very blessed to see they will always have my back. Which is sad cause if my xMW ever got her act together it would be very hard to get by my kids after what she did to me. She would have to work very hard to earn that respect. But that will never happen....I just know my kids that's all.
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