Author kuma Posted October 3, 2010 Author Posted October 3, 2010 I refused to let our marital crisis become a wedge between them and their father, telling them that he loved them deeply and I wanted them to treat him with kindness and respect, Spark, I agree with you but I'm not sure about respect part. After you discovered his affair, he lived with his OW for a short period of time. Did he honestly explain his situation (living with his OW) to your children? Did he discuss it with them? I know it's not their business. But I wonder if any WS has the courage to tell the truth.
September Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 My xH made me tell my young children what I had done after D-Day. If I didn't he was going to tell them himself. He was drunk at the time and I knew that it was better coming from me than him in his irrational state. To be honest, they didn't really understand it. They were more upset that we were separating not about the cause of the separation. They don't bring it up at all because they are happier now and can see that I am much happier now. My xMM's in law's got together after having an A (they have now been married for over 20 years). When he was caught, boy was he thought of as the ***hole. In my xH's family, there was affairs all over the place, one resulting in a marriage. His family haven't spoken to me in over a year because of what I did.
pureinheart Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 My xH made me tell my young children what I had done after D-Day. If I didn't he was going to tell them himself. He was drunk at the time and I knew that it was better coming from me than him in his irrational state. To be honest, they didn't really understand it. They were more upset that we were separating not about the cause of the separation. They don't bring it up at all because they are happier now and can see that I am much happier now. My xMM's in law's got together after having an A (they have now been married for over 20 years). When he was caught, boy was he thought of as the ***hole. In my xH's family, there was affairs all over the place, one resulting in a marriage. His family haven't spoken to me in over a year because of what I did. I am so sorry September....just can't imagine why you would have an A:rolleyes:...sounds like your ex is a real gem:rolleyes:...I don't mean to offend you by the extreme sarcasm...your exH is an arrogant dik head IMO...
bentnotbroken Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 I am so sorry September....just can't imagine why you would have an A:rolleyes:...sounds like your ex is a real gem:rolleyes:...I don't mean to offend you by the extreme sarcasm...your exH is an arrogant dik head IMO... Much the same as the arrogant d*ck head she had the affair with. Thinking it was fine for him to come into a family and add his whatever to it. Oh, the shame.
September Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 I am so sorry September....just can't imagine why you would have an A:rolleyes:...sounds like your ex is a real gem:rolleyes:...I don't mean to offend you by the extreme sarcasm...your exH is an arrogant dik head IMO... Yes at the time it was terrible being put in that position. I wanted to tell the children in my time and when I felt they were ready for it. He wanted to punish me for what I did to him and unfortunatley it backfired on him. He felt awful for a very long time after. He also now feels bad for the many years of crap he dished out to me. I think he finally gets how you should treat someone you love now. Too late for us though now, my love for him stopped many years ago.
PhoenixRise Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 I think if the children ask, they should not be lied to. But children should not be told as a way of getting back at a WS or AP and they don't need all the details. Just the general truth of the situation.
September Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 Much the same as the arrogant d*ck head she had the affair with. Thinking it was fine for him to come into a family and add his whatever to it. Oh, the shame. Yes well, I have been bitten on the ass for what I did and one day it will come and bite him...
bentnotbroken Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 Yes well, I have been bitten on the ass for what I did and one day it will come and bite him... Indeed he will. We all will(or have been already:o)Thank God it is given with mercy instead of what we deserve. I would be a pile of dust.
September Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 I think if the children ask, they should not be lied to. But children should not be told as a way of getting back at a WS or AP and they don't need all the details. Just the general truth of the situation. When xMM was caught his W went ballistic (understandably) and told their children far too much (not ok). She went to extreme lengths to make him look like a complete ******* to their children. She had the eldest daughter write him horrible, vicious letters and text messages that could have only been concocted by his wife. He knows his daughter very well and knew that it wasn't her talking. I believe that the eldest daughter still won't have anything to do with him now even though he returned home and ended the A 9 months ago. Unfortunately his W told them far too much and now expects the children to just get over it.
PhoenixRise Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 When xMM was caught his W went ballistic (understandably) and told their children far too much (not ok). She went to extreme lengths to make him look like a complete ******* to their children. She had the eldest daughter write him horrible, vicious letters and text messages that could have only been concocted by his wife. He knows his daughter very well and knew that it wasn't her talking. I believe that the eldest daughter still won't have anything to do with him now even though he returned home and ended the A 9 months ago. Unfortunately his W told them far too much and now expects the children to just get over it. Not good. Yes the pain of betrayal is horrific and yes lashing out happens and is to be expected. But involving the children is wrong. Deliberately trying to destroy THEIR relationship with the CS is wrong. I hope these children heal and find some peace.
Author kuma Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 Yes well, I have been bitten on the ass for what I did and one day it will come and bite him... It already bit him. His daughter doesn't respect him anymore. Anyway, how old is she? I hope she went to counseling.
September Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 It already bit him. His daughter doesn't respect him anymore. Anyway, how old is she? I hope she went to counseling. She is 18 and I believe that she went to counselling for a short period. Unfortunatley, she is still feeling the bad vibes between her parents. Children aren't stupid, they know when things aren't great...
pureinheart Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Much the same as the arrogant d*ck head she had the affair with. Thinking it was fine for him to come into a family and add his whatever to it. Oh, the shame. Do you know him? Shame is an interesting thing, and gets thrown around a lot. I wish you the best bent.
pureinheart Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 (edited) I don't see how one can get around it. It's part of the accountability piece. Plus, they can't really hide it, right? However, I don't think an adult child needs all the dirty details. That it happened, that it shouldn't have and that this is the reality now. As a parent one should strive to be a good role model for their children. That doesn't involve putting on a perfect front or lying about what they did. Why would parents hold their children to a standard they themselves cannot rise to. Better to put it as I handled this badly and I'm sorry. The lying has to end. Who wants to live the rest of their lives lying about who they are? I don't think kids even want details about their parents sex lives. Yuck! EEG I agree, they shouldn't, although some do and I wonder how they got there. I could have cared less, I was too busy with my own life, even as a kid...more interested in graduating early from HS, bf's, friends...roller skating, tennis team, swimming team, etc.... Edited October 4, 2010 by pureinheart
Owl Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 On d-day, I too insisted that my wife explain things to our older teen kids (they were 15-17 at the time). He had bought her plane tickets to go live with him, and she was set to leave within a few days after they were caught. There was no way the kids wouldn't have figured it out on their own very quickly, so it was best that they be told the truth up front. I insisted that she explain it to them, so that there could be no 'blaming Owl" for what they were told...she would be the one giving them the information directly. They were understandably furious with her, but I refused to allow them to treat her with any disrespect...she was still their mom. Our daughter was the most angry with her...and it was a couple of weeks after my wife ended up staying before the two of them could be civil to each other. Over time though, the family worked through all of this.
Author kuma Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 I agree, they shouldn't, although some do and I wonder how they got there. I could have cared less, I was too busy with my own life, even as a kid...more interested in graduating early from HS, bf's, friends...roller skating, tennis team, swimming team, etc.... Maybe they had no choice. You can't blame kids. WS took the risk. Not his/her kids.
bentnotbroken Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Do you know him? Shame is an interesting thing, and gets thrown around a lot. I wish you the best bent. I know him as well as you do her ExH.
Spark1111 Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Spark, I agree with you but I'm not sure about respect part. After you discovered his affair, he lived with his OW for a short period of time. Did he honestly explain his situation (living with his OW) to your children? Did he discuss it with them? I know it's not their business. But I wonder if any WS has the courage to tell the truth. After DDAy, he wanted to immediately reconcile but I refused, believing it to be for all the wrong reasons. (Status quo! Yuck!) I moved out for three days to allow him to pack his things and to spare my children from some very destructive rage and devastation on my part. They did, however, have a family meeting with their father and gave him quite an earful, especially our two daughters. Where he went after that, who knew? Not us. (I eventually found out that he spent two weeks at his OW's, grew miserable, and moved into hotel rooms after that.) I would not take his calls, but his children did, and he remained involved in their lives, as much as they would initially let him. When we(me) finally began to talk of the possibility of reconciliation, he wrote them a very heartfelt letter. In it, he explained his depression and feelings of worthlessness and why. He also told them it had absolutely nothing to do with me. He took ownership of his actions. It touched their heart, and whether they responded to him or not, I never asked. I hope they did. They did not need to know all the details and do not. Sex? Who would tell them anything of that? All they know is that he had an affair, it broke our hearts, and they have seen how hard we, he especially, has worked every day to make ammends to me and to them. Nothing wrong with that. In fact, it is all good.
Author kuma Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 On d-day, I too insisted that my wife explain things to our older teen kids (they were 15-17 at the time). He had bought her plane tickets to go live with him, and she was set to leave within a few days after they were caught. There was no way the kids wouldn't have figured it out on their own very quickly, so it was best that they be told the truth up front. I insisted that she explain it to them, so that there could be no 'blaming Owl" for what they were told...she would be the one giving them the information directly. They were understandably furious with her, but I refused to allow them to treat her with any disrespect...she was still their mom. Our daughter was the most angry with her...and it was a couple of weeks after my wife ended up staying before the two of them could be civil to each other. Over time though, the family worked through all of this. Owl, were you there when she explained it to them? You took a very different approach. Were you confident that she would change her mind and stay? It's interesting because I (daughter) was more upset than my brother was. Maybe girls are more emotional.
Owl Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 I wasn't there when she told them...I was outside of the house trying to sort through my thoughts/feelings (this was the afternoon of d-day...I'd got my "proof" that morning). I did ask them what she said, provided some clarifications where she'd been (deliberately?) vague, but overall she'd been honest and up front about what she'd been doing, what she was going to do, and what she thought would come out of all of this as a result. At that point, I was totally and completely stunned by her choice to go live with OM as a result of d-day. For a huge number of reasons. Given that, I had no confidance at all that she was going to change her mind. She was making the most ill-thought out decision I'd ever known her to make. She'd been acting completely out of character for herself for several months at that time...so I couldn't even hedge a guess at what the outcome was going to be. All I could do was to make the best choices I could to protect everyone involved, including our kids and her if possible.
Spark1111 Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Owl, were you there when she explained it to them? You took a very different approach. Were you confident that she would change her mind and stay? It's interesting because I (daughter) was more upset than my brother was. Maybe girls are more emotional. Kuma, my son, the baby of the family, was just a puddle. My daughters? Aye, yay, yay. I'd agree with you. Not only more emotional, but very, very articulate. It wasn't about developing feelings for another, (yes, of course that hurt). It was lying to us about them, and really not treating us very well during the affair. They told him: "How did you become exactly the type of man you warned us our entire adolescence to stay away from?" Ouch.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Do you think WS should tell their older/adult children the truth? Do you think WS don't have to tell them about the truth, because their marriage/affair isn't any of the children's business? Any thoughts? the WS cheated on and betrayed a parent that the children love, no matter what age they are. I think the WS owes it to the children as to why they hurt the other parent. problem is, the WS wouldn't tell the exact truth of it. they'll downplay it and not say, "I screwed around on your mom/dad". they'll just give the old tripe, "your mom/dad and I just aren't meant to be together"
pureinheart Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Maybe they had no choice. You can't blame kids. WS took the risk. Not his/her kids. I am not sure if you are referring to this reply to EEG, or my reply to OP. My reply to EEG, I do think it is way out of line and TMI for kids to know about the parents sex life...to know that one parent was seeing another person is different (and that depends on what the motive is for it, most cases I don't see it as the kids business), although specific sexual details...way not cool IMO. My sitch, I chose not to say anthing about the kids father, what was the point, the M was done. I like their fathers, although was not happy with them at the time...still, what was the point. In Owls case he did it in a mature manor and was not vindictive...that is where many cross the line IMO...vindictive is not cool, and teaches the kids nothing but hate. In exDM's sitch, based on their behavior, they had been taught by their mother to hate their father, it was very sad and still is, I see his pain. I am so glad I don't have to deal with such things these days. No parent is perfect, and no parent knows exactly what to do during times of high emotional stress, although things can be fixed if a person removes themselves from denial. If I might throw this in, we all have a "tone", a way about each of us...I notice that when some posters post, they bring such a peace to the thread, I feel calm after reading the rational logic...others I feel the uneasiness within them, fear, hatred etc. Kuma, you have a calming effect BTW, thank you.
NoIDidn't Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 I don't see a conflict with telling the kids you left their parent for another. I don't think they need the details of it all. They'll figure that out later, depending on their age, and ask questions then. But they still don't need all the details. They don't need to be told about sexual details. They just need the facts. But "I no longer love your mother/father" isn't a fact that needs to be told to them, IMO. That would prove problematic in the future. They need to see "free will" in operation. Will it sound self-centered, selfish, and antithetical to all that we usually teach our children? Sure. But it would be the truth. And that's what's important. I think people are too quick to assume that kids won't try to understand what's right in front of them. Life is full of contradictions. Leaving a spouse you promised life to, is one of them. But it happens and obfuscating will not change that simple fact.
2sure Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 My daughter is 14 and I recently divorced my H because of his infidelity. Because she heard some conversations and because she saw my pain...she knew the basics. I told her that he had a special friendship with a woman that was inappropriate for a married man and that he would not give it up. I didnt want to tell her that he was a serial cheater who whored around. But I needed her to know that I did not leave the marriage on a whim, or because of something that could be worked through. Because she is a daughter perhaps...I also felt it was important to show her where the line should be drawn. I cannot imagine trying to explain to her if I had been the one to cheat. How would one tell them in one breath about the importance of integrity , truth, loyalty, family and trust while saying at the same time: Unless it doesnt work for you. Its all optional.
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