When WS leaves his/her marriage for AP

[kuma]

Do you think WS should tell their older/adult children the truth? Do you think WS don't have to tell them about the truth, because their marriage/affair isn't any of the children's business? Any thoughts?

[eamherst14051]

You mentioned the magic word a couple of times: "TRUTH"

 

That's how you should live your life, 100%

 

Why even question it?

[anne1707]

If they don't tell the children then they will have to watch everything they say in front of them if talking about their past and how they met etc. That sounds like a lot of hardwork to me to continue the lie.

[Brokenlady]

That's one of those things I think doesn't need to be advertised, but if the children asked, I think it's important to tell them the truth. If not, then I don't think it's neccessary to bring it up as it's a personal matter.

[feelingfine]

My kids are 14,11 and 9. I did not and have not told them about the other woman. Too confusing for them I believe.

[HappyAtLast]

My marriage was no one's business but my own. When I left my former wife, my children were young adults. The difference here maybe that I did not leave my marriage "for" my affair partner. I left my marriage "for" myself. The decision to leave was made many years prior.

 

I suppose my children suspected that I had gotten involved with my affair partner prior to leaving my first marriage, but they would no more have brought it up to me than I would tell them today that they should or should not leave one of their spouses.

 

I do not believe that parents "owe" their children any truths about their marriage.

[woinlove]

I think it depends on how open the relationship is between parents and children. In many families, it would be natural for children to ask how their parents met or, in the case of divorce, why they are divorcing and how they met their new spouses or significant others. In other families, as HAL suggests, there may be an implied assumption that such matters are not discussed.

 

Even if the children don't ask directly, if the relationship is more relaxed and open in general, the parent would typically know if they are being unusually secretive because of the circumstances or not. If you would typically be open with your children about how you met, then I think that openness should not be put aside just because the meeting overlapped the marriage. Unless you worked hard to keep it a secret from everyone, the children may learn about it eventually from some other source. In that case, it is best to hear it directly from the parents. Unless one has a more closed relationship, in which case, the children are not likely to let on they already know from another source.

[anne1707]

Posting as someone whose father married the OW....

 

I knew about the affair. I knew how they met. I saw my parents' marriage fall apart. So no hiding the truth there.

 

However even though I was eventually happy for my father, it hurt like hell when my stepmother would innocently say something which was obviously relating to how she and my father would spend time together whilst he and my mother were still together. It just brought to mind the lies, deceit, pain, selfishness.... especially as she referred to events where other people I knew would have been present and therefore aware of the affair (they worked together).

 

She let these comments out without realising the implications - it was along the lines of "oh I remember when...." as we all do. But as a kid stuck in the middle it was bad. I am quite sure she had no idea that she had let the cat out of the bag. So how realistic is it to keep it completely hidden if the WS and AP end up together? Not at all.

[pureinheart]

My marriage was no one's business but my own. When I left my former wife, my children were young adults. The difference here maybe that I did not leave my marriage "for" my affair partner. I left my marriage "for" myself. The decision to leave was made many years prior.

 

I suppose my children suspected that I had gotten involved with my affair partner prior to leaving my first marriage, but they would no more have brought it up to me than I would tell them today that they should or should not leave one of their spouses.

 

I do not believe that parents "owe" their children any truths about their marriage.

 

I have always felt this way, and this was completely, totally, beyond any shadow of a doubt reinforced by the situation I was last in.

 

ExDM's exW told their kids everything, sex life, details all of it...it was just too weird having correspondence from their "adult" children talking of their fathers privite area (I don't want to go into detail about this as even writing this is sickening to me)...it discusted me. ExDM is a privite person, he does have a mouth on him, although he is very modest so I know this information was from his exW.

 

I think the bedroom should not be discussed along with details of the M or the lack of.

 

I was taught to have respect for my parents, as God as my witness I NEVER talked back to either of them once in my life, they taught me that their business was their own and for me to be a kid and be concerned with that. I was not a nosey child anyway.

 

I think people tell their kids too much personal info which could promote nosey people, I don't know...that would be an interesting psychological study though.

[woinlove]

I think people tell their kids too much personal info which could promote nosey people, I don't know...that would be an interesting psychological study though.

 

I know several people whose parents shared the fact that they fell in love with someone else while married, and who were open in general about such matters affecting the home environment. Those people grew into adults who are not nosy, but they are open. I don't think it is surprising that an open atmosphere might lead to children growing into adults who are relatively open. My own family was the opposite and I tend to be private and not very open myself.

 

As to cases of really TMI which you are referring to, such as sharing intimate sexual details rather than broad emotional, commitment and lifestyle information, I don't know what the outcome is likely to be.

[bentnotbroken]

My children knew before I did, so no issue in telling them. I am from a family and culture that believes family shares the good and bad with family. If you can do it, own it. It maybe a lesson for children on how not to act just like smoking and being a drunk was for me.

[kuma]

You mentioned the magic word a couple of times: "TRUTH"

 

That's how you should live your life, 100%

 

Why even question it?

 

I try to live my life by being truthful. I questioned because my mother (WS) didn't tell me the truth when she left.

 

If they don't tell the children then they will have to watch everything they say in front of them if talking about their past and how they met etc. That sounds like a lot of hardwork to me to continue the lie.

 

That's true. I guess when they get married, they'll probably forget they had an affair.

 

That's one of those things I think doesn't need to be advertised, but if the children asked, I think it's important to tell them the truth. If not, then I don't think it's neccessary to bring it up as it's a personal matter.

 

If it's a personal matter, why does it have to affect children's lives?

[Citizen Erased]

I would never be able to respect my parents if they had lied to us about the reason for their breakup. We weren't stupid, if we didn't find out then we would have put two and two together. Not to mention, people talk. My entire high school knew about it before I'd even told a soul. Parents are rarely careful about what they discuss in front of their children.

[kuma]

My kids are 14,11 and 9. I did not and have not told them about the other woman. Too confusing for them I believe.

 

I agree with you. They don't have to know about her.

 

My marriage was no one's business but my own. When I left my former wife, my children were young adults. The difference here maybe that I did not leave my marriage "for" my affair partner. I left my marriage "for" myself. The decision to leave was made many years prior.

 

I suppose my children suspected that I had gotten involved with my affair partner prior to leaving my first marriage, but they would no more have brought it up to me than I would tell them today that they should or should not leave one of their spouses.

 

I do not believe that parents "owe" their children any truths about their marriage.

 

Your case is different than mine. I don't blame for leaving your ex. I think that's her karma.

[HappyAtLast]

I agree with you. They don't have to know about her.

 

 

 

Your case is different than mine. I don't blame for leaving your ex. I think that's her karma.

 

Thank you. I do agree with your statement though, that if it is a personal matter why does it have to affect your children. I did my darndest to make sure that my children were affected as minimally as possible.

[Spark1111]

I am very close to my young adult children.

 

I never INTENDED to tell them of their father's affair, but my oldest intuited it immediately, asked me directly, and I refused to lie about it.

 

The younger two had inklings about it, wayyyyyy before the dday when I discovered it.

 

We have all talked openly about it all as we needed to heal from it. They had already spoken for hours about it together to heal from it.

 

I am a great believer in open and honest communication about infidelity to help children heal.

 

And it has worked well, I hope.

 

Two things I did immediately:

 

I refused to let our marital crisis become a wedge between them and their father, telling them that he loved them deeply and I wanted them to treat him with kindness and respect,

 

AND

 

If he chose this woman as his life partner, I expected them to also treat her with respect.

 

So I just want to say this: Children are very sensitive and intuitive to their parents feelings.

 

If you can tell the truth with out casting blame and with kindness and compassion towards their other parent, as much as that may kill you, you will gain respect in their eyes.

 

And they will be happier and healthier for it, IMHO.

 

Because they know or suspect whether you tell them or not, and the uncertainty of not having those feelings validated only breeds insecurity and distances them from you, the parent.

[Citizen Erased]

Thank you. I do agree with your statement though, that if it is a personal matter why does it have to affect your children. I did my darndest to make sure that my children were affected as minimally as possible.

 

When they are older, and if they ask you, will you tell them the truth?

 

You sound like a wonderful parent BTW. 10 years on and my parents still can't get along. Props to you.

[wheelwright]

I am very close to my young adult children.

 

I never INTENDED to tell them of their father's affair, but my oldest intuited it immediately, asked me directly, and I refused to lie about it.

 

The younger two had inklings about it, wayyyyyy before the dday when I discovered it.

 

We have all talked openly about it all as we needed to heal from it. They had already spoken for hours about it together to heal from it.

 

I am a great believer in open and honest communication about infidelity to help children heal.

 

And it has worked well, I hope.

 

Two things I did immediately:

 

I refused to let our marital crisis become a wedge between them and their father, telling them that he loved them deeply and I wanted them to treat him with kindness and respect,

 

AND

 

If he chose this woman as his life partner, I expected them to also treat her with respect.

 

So I just want to say this: Children are very sensitive and intuitive to their parents feelings.

 

If you can tell the truth with out casting blame and with kindness and compassion towards their other parent, as much as that may kill you, you will gain respect in their eyes.

 

And they will be happier and healthier for it, IMHO.

 

Because they know or suspect whether you tell them or not, and the uncertainty of not having those feelings validated only breeds insecurity and distances them from you, the parent.

 

Great post.

 

I feel kids should be treated pretty much like adults, though the way you express it has to be morphed into a way a child can understand.

 

I will tell my kids all, but I will wait for their questions. And I will give them the option of not knowing if they prefer that - some do (people not just kids) you know.

 

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy was real. I thought for a bit. Then I said 'What do you think?'. She said maybe it was her parents or maybe it was real. She did not go on to pin me down.

 

So we let it be.

[Spark1111]

Posting as someone whose father married the OW....

 

I knew about the affair. I knew how they met. I saw my parents' marriage fall apart. So no hiding the truth there.

 

However even though I was eventually happy for my father, it hurt like hell when my stepmother would innocently say something which was obviously relating to how she and my father would spend time together whilst he and my mother were still together. It just brought to mind the lies, deceit, pain, selfishness.... especially as she referred to events where other people I knew would have been present and therefore aware of the affair (they worked together).

 

She let these comments out without realising the implications - it was along the lines of "oh I remember when...." as we all do. But as a kid stuck in the middle it was bad. I am quite sure she had no idea that she had let the cat out of the bag. So how realistic is it to keep it completely hidden if the WS and AP end up together? Not at all.

 

I agree with you Annie! Children know! And honesty with compassion is always the best policy, IMHO.

 

If your stepmother had eliminated those stories from her conversation, out of respect to your mother and the pain you witnessed during and after the affair, would you have triggered?

 

Because that would have shown respect you YOUR mother.

 

And I assert it is all about compassion and respect, to the BS, which transfers to the children, because that will ALWAYS BE A PARENT THEY LOVE......no matter what the marital situation.

[Spark1111]

My marriage was no one's business but my own. When I left my former wife, my children were young adults. The difference here maybe that I did not leave my marriage "for" my affair partner. I left my marriage "for" myself. The decision to leave was made many years prior.

 

I suppose my children suspected that I had gotten involved with my affair partner prior to leaving my first marriage, but they would no more have brought it up to me than I would tell them today that they should or should not leave one of their spouses.

 

I do not believe that parents "owe" their children any truths about their marriage.

 

I disagree HAL.

 

Tell your children the truth.

 

Trust me on this. They have been speculating for years.

 

Why allow your AP LESS respect in the secret musings of your children for all this time?

 

Because that IS what they are doing; assuming she was the reason you left their mother.

 

And that my friend, is unfair to the woman you love.

 

Tell them the truth, but do not disparage their mother in their eyes. Take the high road, but tell the truth.

 

I know you tried to minimally hurt them and I applaud that. But NOT TELLING them has probably led to a lot of speculation on their part, speculation which may or may not have led to thinking a bit less of your current wife.

 

Was that your intention? I think not.

[kuma]

I think it depends on how open the relationship is between parents and children. In many families, it would be natural for children to ask how their parents met or, in the case of divorce, why they are divorcing and how they met their new spouses or significant others. In other families, as HAL suggests, there may be an implied assumption that such matters are not discussed.

 

Even if the children don't ask directly, if the relationship is more relaxed and open in general, the parent would typically know if they are being unusually secretive because of the circumstances or not. If you would typically be open with your children about how you met, then I think that openness should not be put aside just because the meeting overlapped the marriage. Unless you worked hard to keep it a secret from everyone, the children may learn about it eventually from some other source. In that case, it is best to hear it directly from the parents. Unless one has a more closed relationship, in which case, the children are not likely to let on they already know from another source.

 

We didn't have a closed relationship. We talked about anything. Oh, I already knew about him. I answered her phone one day and he thought I was her. I think she didn't want to tell me the truth because she was protecting her image.

[HappyAtLast]

My "children" are now grandparents, with happy, healthy long-term marriages of their own. While we have never directly discussed exactly "when" my wife and I began seeing each other, we have often discussed their appreciation for me staying with their mother and keeping their home intact. They very much appreciate the childhood that they had and the sacrifices that they know I made to ensure that they had it.

 

I am sure there was speculation on their part, but they were sincerely happy that I had found someone with whom to spend my life. As for respect, my wife would be a very difficult sort of woman for anyone to not respect, even if they were aware that our relationship began as an EMR. My younger son became a surgeon because of her and they are very close.

 

I know everyone has their own opinions, but I am not looking forward at my life and determining what decisions should be made. Age does have its benefits. I am looking back on my life and am seeing the decisions that I made were the right ones for both my children and myself.

[HappyAtLast]

 

Tell them the truth, but do not disparage their mother in their eyes. Take the high road, but tell the truth.

 

.

 

Would you also think then, after all these years, that I should tell them of their mother's affairs that led to the demise of my first marriage? As part of my intense desire for my children to be children and enjoy a happy upbringing and a good relationship with their mother, I certainly never disclosed this information to them.

 

Is that somehow different?

 

edited to add: while I can appreciate your sentiments, I took the high road for fifteen years and denied myself love or companionship while I raised my children. Also, sadly, there is potential that my youngest son may not be mine after all. My former wife dropped that little tidbit on me during that time also. While I decided to also take the high road on that one, and decide that he was my son and I love him... should I also disclose that? Where does it end?

Edited October 3, 2010 by HappyAtLast

[Spark1111]

Would you also think then, after all these years, that I should tell them of their mother's affairs that led to the demise of my first marriage? As part of my intense desire for my children to be children and enjoy a happy upbringing and a good relationship with their mother, I certainly never disclosed this information to them.

 

Is that somehow different?

 

edited to add: while I can appreciate your sentiments, I took the high road for fifteen years and denied myself love or companionship while I raised my children. Also, sadly, there is potential that my youngest son may not be mine after all. My former wife dropped that little tidbit on me during that time also. While I decided to also take the high road on that one, and decide that he was my son and I love him... should I also disclose that? Where does it end?

 

HAL, I applaud you!

 

That must have taken tremendous courage and fortitude to protect your xW for the sake of your children, and to sacrifice 15 years of your life to ensure they remained secure and happy.

 

Not many would or could do that, and certainly not today where self-entitlement and immediate gratification rampantly outweigh sacrificing for your children's happiness and security.

 

I think you have the happy ending you surely deserve because of your character.

 

Hats off to you my friend.

 

Continue reading here and you will soon realize what a rare commodity you are, I'm afraid.

 

Your children are lucky to have you!

 

It sounds like it all worked out very well

[kuma]

So how realistic is it to keep it completely hidden if the WS and AP end up together? Not at all.

 

I agree. Most children figure it out eventually.

 

I was taught to have respect for my parents, as God as my witness I NEVER talked back to either of them once in my life, they taught me that their business was their own and for me to be a kid and be concerned with that. I was not a nosey child anyway.

 

I think people tell their kids too much personal info which could promote nosey people, I don't know...that would be an interesting psychological study though.

 

I don't think I was a nosy child. I never asked her about her affair. I didn't need to, I figured it out by myself. I was old enough to understand the meaning of "infidelity". I agree with you parents' sex isn't any of the children's business.

 

I would never be able to respect my parents if they had lied to us about the reason for their breakup. We weren't stupid, if we didn't find out then we would have put two and two together. Not to mention, people talk. My entire high school knew about it before I'd even told a soul. Parents are rarely careful about what they discuss in front of their children.

 

Wow, I'm sorry. I can't believe everybody knew about your parent's affair!