Boyfriend talks to his ex-girlfriend who lives far away, but...

[lemonlegs]

Alright so my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 4 months now and we're crazy about each other. Let me start off by saying that I trust him, that I don't think he's going to go fly somewhere to simply have sex with her, or that this girl that I don't know is a bad girl.

 

When we started dating, he would mention her frequently but it didn't bother me since we had just started talking. As we got more serious, whenever he brought it up he could tell it irked me so he stopped mentioning her except maybe the odd time when it may have been relevant.

 

Anyways, flash forward a few months, we were in a movie theatre and I saw that he had a missed call from her (I knew they talked occassionally on the phone) and so it bothered me and I asked him how often they talked. His reply was that it had been a few months and her uncle died so he said she could call him if he wanted, probably to be nice. Inititally I thought it was okay, but then I was thinking, "Why the hell is this girl confiding in her ex boyfriend, when she APPARENTLY has a new one? I'm sure she has friends and her 'boyfriend' she can talk to." But anyways I didn't say that to him.

 

Then last night, we were on the topic of teaching, and he brought up the fact that she was moving somewhere to teach. I was slightly taken aback cause then I knew that they were talking again.

 

So the issue arises. The ONLY reason they broke up was that he had to move back home (so they are in different provinces) so that sort of bothers me, it's not like they're incompatible. And one night when we were both drunk he told me he would probably have still been with her had he not moved. But on the other hand, the fact that they did not have a messy breakup makes me feel like they're entitled to talk. I just don't like how she confides in him and feels the need to update him on every detail of her life.... probably on a monthly basis.

 

I told him I wanted to talk about this, but I want to know if anyone thinks I'm over reacting or if I'm being rational.

 

Note that I do not have any contact with any of my exes (they both cheated on me so that is why, but technically I COULD still talk to them if I really wanted to now that I'm over it)

 

I've tried to let it slip, but that last mention of her really made me think of how weird this is...

[abouttoloseit]

I can relate. My ex and her ex from years ago were "best friends". She didn't tell me this until 2 months into the relationship. Anyway, 6 months later, still bothering the hell out of me, I ended it. The best friend thing was weird.

 

Are you hoping to have him stop contact? Or she stop contact? Are you asking if you think what you are feeling is irrational?

 

Will give you my $.02...

 

Im 27, and to this day I have still yet to find a relationship where both parties keep close contact (to the extent of your situation) with their exes and still remain a happy couple. To the point where both parties have no problem with either one of them hanging out, talking or any other form of contact. Someone please show me a couple who are completely happy with their significant other hanging out or talking with their exes so frequently. There are enough problems in relationships without bringing another relationship into the equation imho!

 

So, Im open to the idea that someone, some couple, will have this. But as I have not yet met them, Im going to side with the "possibilty" that of those exes who linger around in a new relationship...nothing too positive can come from it. By all means I am willing to say "ok, I was wrong...maybe it can be a good thing" if a couple have this. But I really cant say I have met one.

 

Why? Who knows...personal boundaries, competition, jealousy, respect, comfort...list is endless.

 

Speaking from experience only, I can say that I have never been comfortable with the current g/f and their exes. And two of my relationships have ended because of it. Not through cheating, lying or abuse, grown apart etc...I just don't like the idea that some guy who, lets face it, used to fudge my girfriend, and still be hanging around her. Only in an extreme circumstance, maybe they work together, or have the same friends as I do...would I be open to it. If they meet in the street, by all means say hello.

 

The best reason I can come up with for this, is that I feel undermined. Like Im not enough. Am I wrong for feeling like this? I don't know. AM I simply programmed by testosterone? Could be. Hundreds of reasons, but fact is - I don't like it.

 

Whats funny is, like you, your brain is telling you "yes but I know they are not cheating etc....so why is this a problem?"

 

If Im with someone I like, like alot...I can't think of anything else I would want to do besides hang out with them and be around them. But thats me.

 

Now, complicated bit:

 

Are you hoping to have him stop contact? Difficult thing with this is that you can't control anyone. And if he "wants" to contact her, he will. Some people will tell you that you have no right to tell him what to do. You have no right to "get involved" with his past relationships etc. He might tell you that they are just friends. He's allowed to have friends right?

 

All vaild points. But you could counter every single one of them too:

 

If he is in a relationship (but god knows what that constitutes anymore, I will go on what I think it does) he "should" be commited somewhat to you. Obviously they are an ex so why is he still interested in keeping their relationship together? Cos they are friends? Im sure he has other friends that he hasn't fudged that he could hang with. You have no right to tell him what to do...correct, but it goes full circle. There are laws in countries which "dictate" what is allowed and what is not. Isn't that telling someone what to do? I know rules are broken, but in general...most are followed and it creates structure, society and security. Suppose just what you want from a "relationship". No right to tell him what to do? True but...

 

You have no right to get involved with his past. Well, ideally thats where it should be but right now it's present. There should be no need full stop. If you understand what Im saying...

 

Are they just friends? Of the friends I have, I haven't fudged one of them or been intimate with. And I have many friends. Of the people I have been intimate with...I don't speak to them anymore. Maybe one however (when I was single - very important).

 

You could argue this in your head all night and still not get a right or wrong answer.

 

But, I don't think you are being irrational in this situation. It's good that you have NOT told him to never speak to his ex. Don't do this. But I suggest you have a speak with him. You are uncomfortable with this, and in your opinion both he and his ex should respect this relationship and keep contact to a minimum. If he refuses, I guess it's up to you what you decide to do.

 

"And one night when we were both drunk he told me he would probably have still been with her had he not moved."

 

Try not to worry about what if and what could. Just try to deal with whats going on. Yes it is a concern in my view, but just try your best to deal with whats happeneing, not what could be.

 

Hope you sort it.

[lemonlegs]

Thank you for your detailed reply. That is exactly how I feel. One minute I will think I'm a complete idiot for not saying anything to him about it, then the next I will think, well there's no harm in it.

 

To be honest, it HASN'T interfered THAT much, but it does make me uncomfortable. Especially because both of my relationships previous ended due to the fact that my boyfriend was cheating with his ex girlfriend. My last relationship, I had a huge problem with how often my bf talked to his ex and he assured me that he was allowed to be friends wtih her. Sure enough, he was screwing her the whole time.

 

The only thing is, I know my boyfriend is going to argue that they live far away, so it's not like they see each other face to face. But in my opinion, phone contact or texting is pretty similar. They're stil having extensive, personal conversations about their lives. He's told me that he talks to her about me (in a good way I'm assuming), but WHY!? Seriously.... why? That is my question.

 

And No, I'm going to tell him that I can't stop him from talking to her , but maybe to limit it or be more communicative about it with me. He's fairly vague on what they talk about , possibly because he thinks I don't want to hear it? He also would never talk to her in front of me, again, because he might think that would anger me. I would actually prefer he did so then I know the extent of their conversations. I'm also not clear on how they broke up. I initially thought they broke up before he moved back for that reason, but then I was informed (by him just casually mentioning it to a mutual friend) that they tried long distance and it didn't work. But I don't know who initiated the break up....and the fact that I just don't know this girl or what she's capable of is also troublesome. I know she's 4 years older than me, so maybe she thinks she can play the "well this is what mature people do when a relationship ends" card...

 

I don't know.

Edited October 2, 2010 by lemonlegs

[MichiganMan222]

Would you tolerate an emotional affair with someone local that wasn't an ex? Probably not. So how is a long-distance affair with an ex any better?

 

I think you have good reason to be concerned that they only broke up because he moved. He may still have feelings for her...oh, wait...when you guys were drunk, he confirmed that. ok. Yeah. She's gotta go or I would if I were you.

 

When my g/f and I got serious, we had a mutual standing rule. Absolutely no contact with any human being that either one of us had sex with. Exception is ex-spouses due to kids. If an ex contacted either one of us, it was immediately reported. So far, that rule is working out great.

 

I agree with abouttoloseit. There's never any good to ex's staying close. NEVER. Don't tolerate it. Put an end to their affair or bail.