Author Spark1111 Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 My H DID have various OW. And yes, I told them about each other via a group email announcing that he had been diagnosed with an STD. Let them fight it out. That is very important health info anyone/or everyone deserves. A scary thought: How many WS, BS, OW/OM, either out of anger or trauma, DO NOT disclose STD info after the relationship ends?
2sure Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Well, after the divorce was final and her ex living with OW my friend found out he gave her an std while he was having an affair. His OW was also still married at the time, and he had at least 2 OW that only his ex wife knows about. So...thats a lot of potential victims there. And you know what? When she told him she tested positive he refused to believe her. So, if it were up to him OW would not know that she probably does have an STD , her ex H would not know, and whoever he is dating will not know. Its amazing the people who cheat never believe their partners have done it before, they think they are unique.
Hazyhead Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 And, the purpose of this thread is to show that the affair dynamic, us against them, is perfect design of mistrust perpetuated to keep the AP and BS far, far, apart. And WHO does that protect? THe cheater. It's a mistrust that's inherent in most A situations, understandably. It's a shame when the attitude fostered by this mistrust can prevent communication and healing. Some can only see AP vs BS. I wish it wasn't the case but I can understand how it is.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Does the BS owe this information to the OW? OW don't feel they owe a thing to the BS, so no. The BS doesn't owe the OW anything.
Author Spark1111 Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 Well, after the divorce was final and her ex living with OW my friend found out he gave her an std while he was having an affair. His OW was also still married at the time, and he had at least 2 OW that only his ex wife knows about. So...thats a lot of potential victims there. And you know what? When she told him she tested positive he refused to believe her. So, if it were up to him OW would not know that she probably does have an STD , her ex H would not know, and whoever he is dating will not know. Its amazing the people who cheat never believe their partners have done it before, they think they are unique. A frightening scenario to say the least. One borne of denial? Possibly, but still....health concerns should trump all motive, IMHO.
Author Spark1111 Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 That has nothing to do with the fact that she is an OW. Many BS also refuse to believe the truth when it is offered on a silver platter. Who said it had anything to do with being an OW? And yes, BSs are also guilty of denial, but I think they rarely get info on a silver platter. if anything, people who suspect go out of their way to avoid giving a BS any info on a silver platter. I personally wish someone, anyone, would have provided silver platter info. Well, the BS also soooooo needs to believe that the feelings between her and her H were real. That's human, isn't it? If we give our all in a situation, we hope our partner is as well, don't we? In any case, it is not because you afterwards learn that your partner was not as much into you as you were into him, that your feelings are less real. No, we cannot deny our feelings. But I do believe our feelings and our trust of our SO also can blind us to some really harsh truths.
Author Spark1111 Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 I was a BS and I didn't blame the OW. Who my exH slept with was inconsequential. The issue I had was with him and that was it. I had no right to speak to her disrespectfully or to slap her. Him on the other hand I could have beaten to a bloody pulp! My view is the BS has an issue with the person who betrayed her-period. I know I look at things differently but that's how I felt and how I feel. I don't owe her anything. I was happy enough to answer her questions but I didn't owe it to her. She's welcome to express all the anger she wants-to her WS but not to me. I'll cut her some slack but if it becomes an attack I'd end it. Like I said that's just me and my feelings as an OW were born from being a BS. Sorry for the t/j here! You answered questions? You returned her call? That took courage, and like lilbunny, I do not believe it is the norm. Avoidance is.
Author Spark1111 Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 I owe her nothing, and she owes me nothing. chances are that when she does tell me i wouldnt believe her anyway.... I understand the mistrust I do..... But that is the affair dynamic that keeps everyone in the dark except for the MM/MW.
porter218 Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Well, after the divorce was final and her ex living with OW my friend found out he gave her an std while he was having an affair. His OW was also still married at the time, and he had at least 2 OW that only his ex wife knows about. So...thats a lot of potential victims there. And you know what? When she told him she tested positive he refused to believe her. So, if it were up to him OW would not know that she probably does have an STD , her ex H would not know, and whoever he is dating will not know. Its amazing the people who cheat never believe their partners have done it before, they think they are unique. Kinda sounds like my xH. The way I finally caught him redhanded(the first time) was after my 6 week post birth checkup I had chlamydia. After lots and lots of looking into it I come to find out for sure there were 2OW and a good number of random ONS's. Yea, I called the OW that I had a phone number for and told her all of this and about the many OOW. Silly girl didn't want to believe me. She thought it was a ploy to get her to stop sleeping with him. I wonder exactly how many people ended up with chlamydia stemming from my xH....
BB07 Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Does the BS owe this information to the OW? The BS doesn't owe her anything, but it would be a great thing to do, but I can't see that happening often in real life. First because the BS is angry at the OW and would often times think, she'll get what she deserves. Secondly even if the BS did call the OW, chances are that the OW isn't going to believe it, because she has been snowed by MM about the BS and she will think that there is some ulterior motive or that it's just a lie. Regardless of the motivation of telling this information, would you want to be informed if your MP had other men or women they were seeing or speaking to on such a regular basis as to be......suspect? Would you want to know? I would want to know, although if things had went down that way, I can't say that I would have believed it considering the source but it would have put some doubt in my mind and I would like to think that later I would have made the call to the BS and we would have had a enlightening conversation after I done some fact digging of my own.
2sure Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 What I "owed" or how I treated OW depended upon the circumstances. If they did not know my H was married - I knew they were vulnerable people that he took advantage of and told them of his betrayal as gently as I could. If they knew he was married but didnt care or were married themselves - I gave them facts and told them to back off. The fact that I now knew who they were but they didnt know who I was...sort of seemed to make them realize that their own privacy could now be threatened, and I hope it was a wake up call. I was nice to them and they to me for the most part. I had no animosity for them personally. For the 2 OW who knew ME, personally. I felt that invited by H or not into my private life via my marriage , my spouse...that they had rolled out the red carpet for me to involve myself into the intricacies of their private lives, unknown to them, to do whatever I felt like. And I did. They never apologized to me personally, but I know they are sincerely sorry so I was able to forgive them. I felt it was human decency to at least let all of them know about the STD and about each other..even if just to point out to each of them that things are not always as you think. Not for me and not for them.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 What I "owed" or how I treated OW depended upon the circumstances. irregardless of the circumstances, why would you "owe" the OW anything?
NoIDidn't Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 I can honestly see no reason for telling the OW this information. If I wanted to stay with my H, it would be used against me to hurt me for his actions. "You stayed with a cheater". If I wanted to divorce him, she would have to find out on her own. It wouldn't be my job to tell her. His As would be his to sort out. I feel the W has a right to know what her H is up to. I do not feel that the W is obligated, in any way, to tell the OW anything. Not even if he was HIV positive. That's his job. And if he doesn't tell her, and she's too proud to snoop, she just won't know - unless someone else tells her.
2sure Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 irregardless of the circumstances, why would you "owe" the OW anything? Good question. Probably because in my past I had been OW. And because I really wanted an apology.
Summer Breeze Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 You answered questions? You returned her call? That took courage, and like lilbunny, I do not believe it is the norm. Avoidance is. I agree it's not the norm. I'm just not the type of person who avoids things. Worst part is he knew it from the start and when I talked to her the first dday he was panic stricken, the second time he was a little calmer, and the third dday he almost expected it. He avoided things like the plague, not me.
turnstone Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 Not even if he was HIV positive. That's his job. And if he doesn't tell her' date=' and she's too proud to snoop, she just won't know - unless someone else tells her.[/quote'] This, obviously, goes too far for me. I believe that any STD needs to be disclosed to all potentially affected parties and disclosed as quickly as possible after discovering the STD's existence. Not necessarily for the sake of the OW, but for the sake of their future sexual partners and/or children.
Silly_Girl Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 This, obviously, goes too far for me. I believe that any STD needs to be disclosed to all potentially affected parties and disclosed as quickly as possible after discovering the STD's existence. Not necessarily for the sake of the OW, but for the sake of their future sexual partners and/or children. Agree. At that point it would become a wider moral issue, for me. I'd have to disclose....
seren Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 I would tell if I knew there were OOW, I would like to be able to say it would be out of concern for her feelings, but I would be a liar. I would hope she felt hurt and would hope that she had a modicum of understanding what I had been through - that is initially. Thing is, if she had broken down I would have comforted her and hated myself for feeling vindictive. I would hope that I could have waited a week or so and then told her out of humanity rather than spite. I had a lot to do with OW after D Day, helping her to sort out her mess (long story) I was a social worker at the time and sort of think it went with the territory. As it was she had been sleeping with other men while seeing H, I had Chlamydia and Herpes .... really kicked the arse out of my already compromised immune system and I still have flares of herpes, tis a godawful reminder of the A. So, the STD thing, can happen with just one person and two people being careless. As an aside, I asked H why no condoms, he said he thought he was the first person she had an A with (wrong so wrong). As for HIV, phew, I would tell the world and his dog to stop the spread of that one. I owed her nothing, tis the old mantra a lot of OM/OW use, but I would tell, I would owe myself more.
pureinheart Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 But see, IF IT is the truth, despite the motive or intention it is offered in, wouldn't you still want to know? Maybe you would discount it initially, or you would be in denial about it, but someone had at least the courage to tell you the truth. To me, this is huge and supercedes motive. I always believe truth trumps all. I used to be the denial queen, at least that is what I am seeing about myself these days. Many of the jacked up R's , I knew what the guys were about , BUT still went for it...hummmm, "maybe I could change them:rolleyes:" No matter what the R, I already knew, but chose not to see it. With exDM...well, by this time I lost the ideal that I would be different (still hoping though), but this was reaching in my sitch and IMO....I knew, no one had to tell me. Spark, like some of the posters here and infidelity, I was usually the pervervial trophy W, gf, fiance', and possibly AP. These types of men are always looking for something better. Really, I already know...isn't that sad
pureinheart Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 (edited) I can honestly see no reason for telling the OW this information. If I wanted to stay with my H, it would be used against me to hurt me for his actions. "You stayed with a cheater". If I wanted to divorce him, she would have to find out on her own. It wouldn't be my job to tell her. His As would be his to sort out. I feel the W has a right to know what her H is up to. I do not feel that the W is obligated, in any way, to tell the OW anything. Not even if he was HIV positive. That's his job. And if he doesn't tell her, and she's too proud to snoop, she just won't know - unless someone else tells her. Wow...this is really bad (bold)....while I agree the W doesn't owe the OW anything and vice versa...at least I'm consistant in that as there is no malace... Also just because a person doesnot "snoop", doesn't mean there is "pride" involved. In my case it means if I have suspicions (of cheating), then the truth will eventually surface. Maybe some have a lot of time on their hands, I'm not really sure, although I never did...raising kids and a 60-80 hr work week took the majority of my time..man....I don't agree with "snooping" anyway and never have...in my world curiosity DID kill the cat...along with loose lips... Edited October 5, 2010 by pureinheart
Dexter Morgan Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 Good question. Probably because in my past I had been OW. And because I really wanted an apology. if you really wanted an apology, then ask the MM to give you one. the wife doesn't owe the OW a thing.
Fight4Me Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 (edited) Agree. At that point it would become a wider moral issue, for me. I'd have to disclose.... Yes, if we're talking OOW, then I personally couldn't live with myself. If it were just one (like in our sitch), then I would just leave her alone knowing she was the one who transmitted the STD. Edited to add: Upon further reflection, I probably would still contact her just in case she was unaware of her HIV+ status. As it was she had been sleeping with other men while seeing H, I had Chlamydia and Herpes .... really kicked the arse out of my already compromised immune system and I still have flares of herpes, tis a godawful reminder of the A. In some states, that's grounds for a lawsuit, not to mention downright criminal. Having an autoimmune disease myself, I was extremely angry that my fWH carelessly endangered my health & my life. If the OW knowingly had an STD and didn't disclose it to him, I don't think I would be quite so generous in my compassion for her pain. I owed her nothing, tis the old mantra a lot of OM/OW use, but I would tell, I would owe myself more.Amen! Edited October 5, 2010 by Fight4Me
jthorne Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 (edited) I dunno, I have a differnent take on this. If a man is not being faithful to his wife, then the OW has no reasonable expectation that he is being faithful to her. After all, there is at least one other sexual partner in the equation. If an OW chooses that lifestyle, then she should also choose to guard her sexual health. I have to agree that the moral obligation is not to the OW who knowingly put herself in that situation, but to her future sexual partners. For myself, I always got tested after having unprotected sex in one R before having it in another. So my perspective may be different. Edited October 5, 2010 by jthorne
NoIDidn't Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 Concerning the HIV statement that I made. I own my choices fully. The moral problem is with the OW and the MM. Not with me. The CDC requires that the person with a communicable disease be the one disclosing it, not those that might know of it. Doing so could be considered a violation of the other person's privacy. So, if my H has an STD (including HIV) that he gave me or could have given me but told me before he did, I'd expect him to be the one telling her. Period. Its a risk SHE took, not one that I should fix FOR her. Not going to happen on my end. And I feel no shame in being so blunt, even to the point of distaste for some, on this issue. Its already been stated that the OW is not going to believe the W anyway. And the W telling such information only looks desperate until its proven true. Classic damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't situation. At the end of the day, the MM should disclose anything the OW needs to know. The OW doesn't inform the W of what she is considering with her H (beginning of A), the W isn't obligated to tell the OW anything when its all said and done. It might not seem right to some, but like the A, it is what it is.
2sure Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 You're right. When I told OW of my H's STD...I did so almost gleefully. The fact that it was pc for me to do so, simply helped to justify my action. It was kind of : you banged a guy that all you really knew about him was that he was a liar and a cheater. Here is the result. Oh, and here is a list of all the OW he apparently thought were as special as you. And it was also because I thought these women should know what a dirt bag he was. To make it real to HIM. He didnt mind so much risking an STD as he did his reputation.
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