suny27 Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 We just got married in March...in July I found out he had been cheating on me since the previous September. He claims he cheated because he thought I was planning on leaving him..anyway we got engaged in December. He claims the sexual part of their relationship was over by then but they remained in constant contact until I confronted her in July. I love my husband and I really wanted to work it out. I am having a hard time trusting him and he says I bring up his infedelity on a daily basis...he says it hurts him. I tried to explain to him that he needs to rebuild trust...stop doing suspicious things and I won't feel this way. Just two weeks ago it was his birthday and he dissapeared would not answer his phone...claims he was drunk and I would have been mad so he didn't answer.I however think he was with someone else....is that a reasonable assumption or am I just being crazy. Recently he has stoped having sex with me claiming he needs to take a break from sex because sex gets him in trouble...but I'm his wife...it doesn't seem fair. To make matters worse I am newly pregnant.... one of the times I guess he took pity on me and actually touched me. I am so fed up I don't know what to do am I ruining my relationship by not trusting him....or is he just an *******? Please help
tornandmarried Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 im going through a similar situation....divorce him asap, unless u want to put up with lying and cheating the rest of your life...but hed probably divorce u for whatever tramp he picks up at the bar anyway...as far as the baby goes, when its born, dont let him take the baby anywhere without going through the courts first!!!...this is gonna be one long hard battle for you, thanks to his selfishness
YellowShark Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 We just got married in March...in July I found out he had been cheating on me since the previous September. Lemme get this straight. He was cheating on you before/during/and-after your wedding. OMFG I am so sorry to hear this suny27. He claims he cheated because he thought I was planning on leaving him..anyway we got engaged in December. What? You're kidding right? That's the lamest excuse in the book. I love my husband and I really wanted to work it out. I am having a hard time trusting him and he says I bring up his infedelity on a daily basis...he says it hurts him. And how does his cheating while you were taking your vows with him in front of your families at the wedding make you feel? Recently he has stoped having sex with me claiming he needs to take a break from sex because sex gets him in trouble...but I'm his wife...it doesn't seem fair. To make matters worse I am newly pregnant.... one of the times I guess he took pity on me and actually touched me. I am so fed up I don't know what to do am I ruining my relationship by not trusting him....or is he just an *******? Please help You ARE NOT ruining your relationship by being suspicious of a man who A) doesn't want sex with you and B) cheated on you during your wedding! Sadly you've married a cheater and a liar. Even worse you are now pregnant and he is gaslighting you to think you're the villain in this story because you are suspicious of his infidelity. You are not wrong to be suspicious of his infidelity, you should be livid that he was cheating before/during/after your wedding! All I can say is dump him and dump him fast... and I am so sorry that you married this guy only to find out who he really is, rather than who you THOUGHT he was. Best of luck.
You Go Girl Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 Agrees completely with yellow shark. The man has some kind of severe maturity problem. It won't be fixed over a cup of coffee and an open conversation, nor will it be fixed with "make up" sex. I suppose it's easier for him to never feel pain from you cheating, or the fear of abandonment, if he's always leaving you emotionally and cheating on you first. It's an unhealthy mode of self-protection, but it's what he uses, not knowing any better perhaps, or just selfish to an extreme, probably a combination of the two. You married what is a probable serial cheater. There are incidents of infidelity that you more than likely don't know about. He could try a grueling year of therapy, but does he even care enough to bother? I don't see any remorse. Meanwhile, you'd pay the price of his issues over, and over, again. Time to put YOU and that baby first. Take care of you and that baby, and forget about taking care of him. He has problems you can't solve.
The-Zen-Warrior Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 suny27 : Wow, this Husband of yours sounds like a real piece of work! A real Don Juan if you ask me. I feel bad for your current situation, but only to a point! Let's see, you married this man back in March of this year, and only found out about the infidelity this past July, lets see July, August, September and now the beginning stages of October, looks like a solid 3 months time, collectively that you've had to think about this......."what are you waiting for"? Are you holding out hope that this husband of yours is going to do a 180 degree change for the better? Are you waiting for him to supposedly come clean, about everything and promise to change his ill gotten ways? Are you holding on and waiting for your Husband to come to his senses and start either (one on one) therapy with a counselor, or are you waiting on him to take the initiative and suggest both of you do marriage counseling, what? I hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but if this guy was "cheating" before the marriage, while you were engaged. If this man was "cheating" on you during the wedding and the reception and the honey moon phase. And if this guy is still currently showing suspicious signs of "cheating", that if it walks like a duck, squawks like a duck, swims like a duck.......it's aways going to be a duck! Sounds like this duck has all the potential of being a serial cheater to me! I did though find a little humor in one of your statements, not humor directed at you, but rather a good chuckle of pathetic humor aimed towards you Husband..... "he says I bring up his infidelity on a daily basis...he says it hurts him"! Oh, I'm so sorry about this, I am so, so, so ,so sorry, it pains me to hear that that a potential serial cheater has a hard time getting back what he dished out! Should I get this guy some tissue, should I put my arm around him and tell him "it's going be alright, just let it out, you'll feel better"....................... I DON'T THINK SO! In my own personal opinion, you've had like 3 solid months to think about this, I feel that the time for "thinking" should be over, I would like to think that the time for "action" is at hand. What action do I speak of.....well.... how about some marriage counseling for starters, if you truly don't want to let this marriage go, and give this guy his 3rd or 4th or even 5th chance since finding out about his ill gotten ways, than by all mean try marriage counseling. Maybe throw yourself a "bone" and be a little selfish and just start to work on yourself with some individual (one on one) therapy. Maybe start to employ the services of an attorney, have an initial consolation, get a "legal" take on your options and plan accordingly. Lets look at the facts here, shall we...... Cheated on you before the wedding Cheated on you during the wedding phase Cheated on you after the wedding Currently showing signs of suspicious behavior Vanished on his B-Day, with lame excuse for his actions Sometime won't answer his cell phone Recent halting of having sex with you, again with a lame excuse From what little you said in your post, I could make this list go on and on! Trust me suny27 I know a little something about an "unfaithful" spouse, I went through it too with divorce being the end result. I think it's time you start thinking for yourself, I think it's time to start taking appropriate action for yourself. I think it's time to start contemplating what kind of life your unborn child will have, if forced to live in an involvement of infidelity and adultery. My personal opinion, things aren't going to change, they just may only get worse!
tornandmarried Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 well said zen warrior.....i know its hard to leave someone u love....but imagine yourself few years down the road with a great man that doesnt treat u in this pathetic sort of way...its not even about greener grass..this guys grass is dead
Author suny27 Posted October 3, 2010 Author Posted October 3, 2010 Recently I have been telling him that since he used facebook alot to contact this other women ....he either had to get off of it or give me his password and link me to his page his response was always he is getting off of facebook so it was unnecesary. Well he is still on facebook and after months of asking I finally have the password.....still not linked to his page though....so I went on and did it myself....needless to say I invaded his privacy blah blah blah.....but that was the rule if he was to stay on there.....it just seems like everything is such a big deal...he says we can do marriage counseling.....but does that really work? The baby really complicates things I am caught up on giving this child the family I didn't have....I love him so much and breaks my heart that I am even contemplating how we will work out visitation, custody and child support. But I get what everyone is saying he probably won't change....and what kinda life is that?
tornandmarried Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 and what kinda life is that? a miserable life indeed....heartache, jealousy, loneliness and std's....i guess its possible to work through it, try marriage counciling if u want.....would be nice if he would change and focus on his new forming family....but i dont think he even gets that.....hes the one that needs to work on it, not you do the work for him.....maybe file for divorce just to let him know your serious and u wont put up with it, but at the same time, look for genuine remorse for his actions, dont let him bs you, while he continues to do what he does....either hes gonna really try or just try harder to cover his tracks....wtf is wrong with people, is it really that hard to be with one person?...if hes non compliant, let him be a weekend dad and pay child support while he screws around with all the women he wants
The-Zen-Warrior Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 suny27 : Well sounds like to me, currently, you are parenting two individuals......the unborn child within and who else.....none other than your own Husband! Wow, checking on ones Facebook account is something I rather do with my 16 year old Son, not a full grown adult. It just amazes me, the more I hang out on L.S., the more I see stories like yours. About how once upon a time both parties were equal partners in a marriage, then one day things turn, with one of the spouses taking more of a parental role in their spouses life, that a married role. I'm not going to waste time here and give you another fact filled post, like I did prior. You know what I said, you can read, you know the score! And in regards to all this fear you claim to behaving, or giving the appearance there of, forget it, it's an illusion, fear is a "man made" emotion, and you my dear.......by carrying on about things like "child custody" and "child support" and "divorce" ect. ect. ect. Without legal advise from an actual attorney, you really won't know where you stand, and or what to be in real fear of! As my Father would say............"the ball is in your court"! What are you going to do? Remember this, on your own you will know nothing about how this can truly play out. But with an Attorney, the contrary, knowledge is power!
porter218 Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 I went through this almost verbatim!! He is my xH incarnate. You can look through my old posts from years ago and I went through a good part of my exhausting M here on LS. It finally fell apart when I woke up many yrs too late. He has done absolutely everything you mentioned all the way down the the bday disappearance blamed on being drunk when I was a couple months pregnant. He turned his phone off after leaving the house that night when he had led me to believe he was coming back home in a couple hrs. Well did't hear from him the next day. Said he was drunk and had to sleep it off. Later....years later the truth finally started to come out. That night he went out with his best buddy and they both had sex with 2 girls they met that night. Oh, and lets not forget the ex gf he was sleeping with all along and most likely still today. Too many stories to go in here but to keep it short, he tried to change or maybe just tried to lie better...IDK. He never did. Cheated throughout the painful 7yrs we spent together. We have two kids and finally divorced that SOB. I am now almost 2yrs single and happier then ever. I had to go through sooooo much to catch him in his lies. Crazy stuff I had to do and I wish you had private message ability so I could give you more detailed advice. Life is so wonderful when you shed rubbish like that and remember what its like to go to sleep at night with out the worries about what he may have been doing or is doing. Now I just lay in bed feeling in love with my kids and whole again...if you understand what I mean. You are faced with a hard decision and it should be made before the birth of your baby. Leaving him is my honest heart felt suggestion. Seriously. You can and will be OK.
PK66 Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 The baby really complicates things I am caught up on giving this child the family I didn't have.... If you want your baby to have a beautiful family to grow up in, is this the guy to provide it??? I know that even if you leave (which i would if I was you) he will always be the father, but you can focus your time on building a wonderful life for you and your child. There may come a time when you may even want to marry someone else. One of my good friends was dumped by her baby-daddy boyfriend and thought she'd never find happiness or a partner. She is now married to a great guy and they have 2 wonderful girls, one biologically his but both his family he loves dearly.
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