Messed up and maybe mucked up

[Hold fast]

Please can someone give me some wise words of support.

 

I have been in a relationship with a MM for almost five months,we have known eachother for a few years and I too have a long term partner. The MM and I are so happy togther and are working to leave our current relationships. He has told his wife he wants to leave and is going to conselling alone to work out how to best leave, he doesn't want her to find out about us because he says it will take the focus off why he really wants to go, as he has wanted to go for years (this makes me think I am not an exit affair). He is trying to help her to be more self sufficent before he goes. She has suspicions though and yesterday turned up at work as MM and I work together, and so I had to agree to go and talk to them, he kept to his line of saying we had just flirted and they discussed all their personal business in front of me, nothing came up which I din't already know so I know he has been truthful with me. It was so saddening to see him with her, he looked so defeated and resigned, not the man I know at all but broken. After an hour I left, all I've heard from him since then is one text saying he's okay and I mustn't text. I have to respect that, though it would be nice if he could check up on me after I faced his wife but I don't think it lack of care for me just him being super cautious. There is another twist though, when I got home I told my boyfriend about the MM, I'm not sure why it just came out, maybe because the way he his wife had spoken to him made me feel that I had to avoid treating my boyfriend like that I don't know. He has taken it really well, he doesn't want me to move out yet but into the other bedroom and says we are good friends and should just take that route for a while. It seems sensible but obviously won't be the long term soluton. I just feel all adrift and alone, I don't know which way my MM is going to jump. I haven't even been able to tell him about what I've done. What now?

[TigerCub]

Hey HF,

 

I don't understand why the wife came to work and called you out to discuss their marital problems?

 

So you came clean to your bf and he's ok with it? You guys are going to be room mates for a while.

 

How long has MM been married? Does he have any kids?

 

I don't think there really is much for you to do, but keep busy during the weekend and see MM on Monday and talk about what you need to talk about.

 

I think it was the right thing for you to tell your bf. Its not very nice to string him along when you're in love with someone else. good for you for having the strength that a lot of people don't

[Hold fast]

Thank you but I don't feel strong. I feel crumpled, alone and bad as my bf is being so nice to me. My MM still hasn't contacted me, I am telling myself he's being extra cautious, as he has said he wants to leave his wife without bringing me into it because what we have is too valuable and it not the reason he wants to leave, I do believe him but it hard to not lose a bit of faith today, of course he doesn't know what I am going through or what I have done.

 

To answer your questions, he has been with his wife for 24 years, has tried to leave in the past but not seen it through and they have a 15 year old son. His wife came to work becasue she had opened his phone bill and seen a lot of calls to me and she wanted to know what was going on. He stuck to his just flirting line and I backed him up but I think she just wants to believe him as to an outsider it looks pretty obvious/unbelievable. I don't know when he thinks the time to actually move out will come, I rather fear he'll just 'break down' and run away which is why I am supporting him with this more gradual transition to help him with feelings of guilt.

 

I am such a mess, I can't stop crying, the future is all so uncertain. I think I am about to lose everything and I am 39 and it feels like I am about to be reduced to nothing.

[whichwayisup]

If the MM wasn't in your life, would you still be planning on ending your relationship with your live-in boyfriend? I say this because it shouldn't matter WHAT the MM does or doesn't do. If he leaves, great - you and him are together.. But, if he doesn't leave, you need to be okay with being alone and losing what you have with your boyfriend. It isn't fair to your boyfriend to be the 'back up guy' if the MM balks.. And, there's a big chance he's going to change his mind, even more so since he didn't come clean about his affair with you to his wife. I mean he had the chance to do so, tell her the truth, be honest, instead he lied and asked you not to text him.

[Hold fast]

Yes, I would still be looking to end the relationship but not now,I don't know when but I know it's an incomplete relationship.

 

I understand what you are saying about MM but I have to keep faith in his reasons. I love him so much, all round but I don't know what he'll do, I suppose he doesn't know but he has told his wife, his mum and bosses that he wants to leave so I do believe him.

[jj33]

Hold fast this has danger written all over it. I appreciate that the A is not the reason he is leaving but the fact that he has lied to his wife and asked you to lie to her face is VERY troubling.

 

There is as I am sure you know, a great possibility that he has never told her he wants to leave.

 

 

He has told his wife he wants to leave and is going to conselling alone to work out how to best leave, he doesn't want her to find out about us because he says it will take the focus off why he really wants to go, as he has wanted to go for years (this makes me think I am not an exit affair). He is trying to help her to be more self sufficent before he goes.

 

HOW DO YOU KNOW HE TOLD HER? AND HOW LONG IS IT GOING TO TAKE HER TO BECOME MORE SELF SUFFICIENT? COULD BE YEARS

 

She has suspicions though and yesterday turned up at work as MM and I work together, and so I had to agree to go and talk to them, he kept to his line of saying we had just flirted and they discussed all their personal business in front of me, nothing came up which I din't already know so I know he has been truthful with me.

 

VERY TROUBLING AND HOW DO YOU KNOW? DID THEY SAY THEY WERE SEPARATING?

 

It was so saddening to see him with her, he looked so defeated and resigned, not the man I know at all but broken. After an hour I left, all I've heard from him since then is one text saying he's okay and I mustn't text.

 

IF HE SAID YOU MUSNT TEXT AGAIN THIS IS A BAD SIGN

 

I hope I am wrong but this smells bad its perfectly possible that he is thinking of leaving at some point in the future, but has not told her yet.

 

Do you really want to be part of this gaslighting? I dont think you do. i would tell him to be in touch when he sorts himself out and is actually leaving.

[lilbunny]

Yes, I would still be looking to end the relationship but not now,I don't know when but I know it's an incomplete relationship.

 

I understand what you are saying about MM but I have to keep faith in his reasons. I love him so much, all round but I don't know what he'll do, I suppose he doesn't know but he has told his wife, his mum and bosses that he wants to leave so I do believe him.

 

Hi there hold fast.

 

I know you want to believe the best, but I have to agree with whichwayisup here. He had an opportunity to come clean, was confronted by his wife and lied to her face. You helped him to do that. If his wife knows he wants to leave then why the need to continue the pretence? Now he doesn't want you to text because he got caught out with the evidence and doesn't want to rock the boat. It doesn't sound to me like a man who is ready to leave the M.

 

At the same time it sounds like you have gone home and been truthful. If you are ready to leave then you should do because there is nothing there to salvage and the R is over for you regardless of what mm does.

 

There is never a right time to leave. There is always something, a family occasion, Christmas, a birthday, an anniversary. I think you need to start setting some time limits, or you may find yourself hanging on indefinitely. I really urge you to take control of the situation. It is hard and I had similar feelings about giving him time etc to be certain. A fixed period of NC might give him time to collect his thoughts and organise his life, if he can't make the decsion after that, it really is time to consider voting with your feet.

 

I know it sounds harsh, I understand the urge to defend his actions and for it not to be that way. But please give it some thought, you reached a place where you needed to tell your partner the truth, he lied and covered his tracks.

[TigerCub]

Thank you but I don't feel strong. I feel crumpled, alone and bad as my bf is being so nice to me. My MM still hasn't contacted me, I am telling myself he's being extra cautious, as he has said he wants to leave his wife without bringing me into it because what we have is too valuable and it not the reason he wants to leave, I do believe him but it hard to not lose a bit of faith today, of course he doesn't know what I am going through or what I have done.

 

To answer your questions, he has been with his wife for 24 years, has tried to leave in the past but not seen it through and they have a 15 year old son. His wife came to work becasue she had opened his phone bill and seen a lot of calls to me and she wanted to know what was going on. He stuck to his just flirting line and I backed him up but I think she just wants to believe him as to an outsider it looks pretty obvious/unbelievable. I don't know when he thinks the time to actually move out will come, I rather fear he'll just 'break down' and run away which is why I am supporting him with this more gradual transition to help him with feelings of guilt.

 

I don't understand why he even told her about "the flirting" couldn't he have just said that you're friends.

I dunno, there is a part of me that thinks that since he had a chance to tell her the whole story and he didn't, that maybe he's not ready to leave her, but then the fact that he said you guys flirt, instead of just making up some story about you guys being friends, and that you're going thru a rought time and that's why there's so many calls (that's what you'd expect a cheater to say)...I dunno, I find that confusing.

 

Honestly, there really isn't much you can do right now.

24 years of marriage is a long time, and although I really dont want to hurt your feelings when I say this - prepare for the scenario that he wont leave. 24 years is a looooong history with someone and if he's chickened out of leaving before, he might chicken out again (I hope that's not the case), I would just want you to prepare for that scenario.

 

I am such a mess, I can't stop crying, the future is all so uncertain. I think I am about to lose everything and I am 39 and it feels like I am about to be reduced to nothing.

I understand your pain, and I'm really sorry that you're feeling this way. But the bolded part is something you should NEVER think to yourself. You value is not determined by the man you're with - EVER.

 

I know that things seem grim right now, but I think you're a very strong person, you chose to tell your bf about what was going on, and I think that takes a lot of guts, most people choose to lie and deceive because its the easier thing to do - its truly the cowardly thing to do - and you are strong for doing what you did.

 

I hope that things work out for you with MM, but I really think that there should be some sort of time line for you & him - you need to be honest with yourself about how long you're willing to wait.

 

best of luck to you

[newlife2010]

My MM still hasn't contacted me, I am telling myself he's being extra cautious, as he has said he wants to leave his wife without bringing me into it because what we have is too valuable and it not the reason he wants to leave, I do believe him but it hard to not lose a bit of faith today, of course he doesn't know what I am going through or what I have done.

 

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know your pain; I have been there.

 

As for the fact that he hasn't contacted you (as well as his behavior when you were talking with his wife): This is called "being thrown under the bus". I have been thrown under the bus enough times to recognize it, and I wish I thought he was actually going to leave his marriage but I do not think he ever will. The signs are all there. He lied to his wife (and asked you to do so) in front of you. What could possibly make you think that anything he has said about what he has told her -- wanting to get a divorce -- is true?

 

The sooner you are able to come to terms with it, the less pain you will have to go through.

[Confused4Now]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know your pain; I have been there.

 

As for the fact that he hasn't contacted you (as well as his behavior when you were talking with his wife): This is called "being thrown under the bus". I have been thrown under the bus enough times to recognize it, and I wish I thought he was actually going to leave his marriage but I do not think he ever will. The signs are all there. He lied to his wife (and asked you to do so) in front of you. What could possibly make you think that anything he has said about what he has told her -- wanting to get a divorce -- is true?

 

The sooner you are able to come to terms with it, the less pain you will have to go through.

This is exactly what I thought....I've been there myself to know how it feels. If a man is ready to leave he's not concerned about how the W is going to feel. He's going to man up or not. He's still concerned about everyone's feeling but his own.

 

When I left I had to be a certain with with my xW or else I'd be sending her mixed messages. I learned this early on and my marriage was 22 years but I did it. I can say my A was a exit affair....but I was ready to leave and planned it before I met my xMW.

[bentnotbroken]

So you sat with him and you and he lied to her face:sick:.So what about this man who is so willing to lie to his wife's face and encourage you(and you comply) to do the same, is so special? What makes him worth doing to another human being what you two did to her? I genuinely want to know what you see. Please help me see what gas lighting this woman is worth.

[Iconoclast]

Oh my. What I have to say will sound harsh.

You sat there with the OM, in front of his wife, backing up his lies.

That will crush your soul in the future.

Jump into her shoes for a moment, how does that feel?

What did she do to deserve that from you?

 

You will never forgive yourself for that.

You should tell her the truth.

For you.

 

Then again. Maybe not. Just carry on then.

 

Edit: Ha. Bentnobroken. Beat me to it by a couple minutes.

[whichwayisup]

24 years of marriage, 24+ years of history with his wife vs a 5 month affair and you knowing him before that for a couple of years. Sorry to be harsh but you do the math there.

 

This man lied to his wife, with your help. This man who said vows to her, infront of their friends and family. He now has lied to her, betrayed her, gaslighted her.. This is how he treats his wife of 24 years, imagine how he'll treat you, less than 6 month affair.

 

Have you asked yourself why he didn't come clean right then and there? If he wants to divorce her and start a new life with you, why not just be honest about it? Lying just makes it alot worse. She's not stupid, she knows something is "off" and it's only a matter of time before this all blows up. Be prepared for the typical MM "speech" coming your way when he decides to work it out and stay at home with his wife, ending the A with you.

 

This is like following a script, yet different actors/actresses playing the part in the play.

[bentnotbroken]

24 years of marriage, 24+ years of history with his wife vs a 5 month affair and you knowing him before that for a couple of years. Sorry to be harsh but you do the math there.

 

This man lied to his wife, with your help. This man who said vows to her, infront of their friends and family. He now has lied to her, betrayed her, gaslighted her.. This is how he treats his wife of 24 years, imagine how he'll treat you, less than 6 month affair.

 

Have you asked yourself why he didn't come clean right then and there? If he wants to divorce her and start a new life with you, why not just be honest about it? Lying just makes it alot worse. She's not stupid, she knows something is "off" and it's only a matter of time before this all blows up. Be prepared for the typical MM "speech" coming your way when he decides to work it out and stay at home with his wife, ending the A with you.

 

This is like following a script, yet different actors/actresses playing the part in the play.

 

Sad isn't it?

[fooled once]

Please can someone give me some wise words of support.

 

I have been in a relationship with a MM for almost five months,we have known eachother for a few years and I too have a long term partner. The MM and I are so happy togther and are working to leave our current relationships. He has told his wife he wants to leave and is going to conselling alone to work out how to best leave, he doesn't want her to find out about us because he says it will take the focus off why he really wants to go, as he has wanted to go for years (this makes me think I am not an exit affair). He is trying to help her to be more self sufficent before he goes. She has suspicions though and yesterday turned up at work as MM and I work together, and so I had to agree to go and talk to them, he kept to his line of saying we had just flirted and they discussed all their personal business in front of me, nothing came up which I din't already know so I know he has been truthful with me. It was so saddening to see him with her, he looked so defeated and resigned, not the man I know at all but broken. After an hour I left, all I've heard from him since then is one text saying he's okay and I mustn't text. I have to respect that, though it would be nice if he could check up on me after I faced his wife but I don't think it lack of care for me just him being super cautious. There is another twist though, when I got home I told my boyfriend about the MM, I'm not sure why it just came out, maybe because the way he his wife had spoken to him made me feel that I had to avoid treating my boyfriend like that I don't know. He has taken it really well, he doesn't want me to move out yet but into the other bedroom and says we are good friends and should just take that route for a while. It seems sensible but obviously won't be the long term soluton. I just feel all adrift and alone, I don't know which way my MM is going to jump. I haven't even been able to tell him about what I've done. What now?

 

So you, together with him, continued to LIE and gaslight his wife? If this relationship is so meant to be, why not BE HONEST?????

 

And you believe he is leaving after having an affair with you for 5 months??? Wow.

 

 

Oh my. What I have to say will sound harsh.

You sat there with the OM, in front of his wife, backing up his lies.

That will crush your soul in the future.

Jump into her shoes for a moment, how does that feel?

What did she do to deserve that from you?

 

You will never forgive yourself for that.

You should tell her the truth.

For you.

 

Then again. Maybe not. Just carry on then.

 

Edit: Ha. Bentnobroken. Beat me to it by a couple minutes.

 

Agree.

24 years of marriage, 24+ years of history with his wife vs a 5 month affair and you knowing him before that for a couple of years. Sorry to be harsh but you do the math there.

 

This man lied to his wife, with your help. This man who said vows to her, infront of their friends and family. He now has lied to her, betrayed her, gaslighted her.. This is how he treats his wife of 24 years, imagine how he'll treat you, less than 6 month affair.

 

Have you asked yourself why he didn't come clean right then and there? If he wants to divorce her and start a new life with you, why not just be honest about it? Lying just makes it alot worse. She's not stupid, she knows something is "off" and it's only a matter of time before this all blows up. Be prepared for the typical MM "speech" coming your way when he decides to work it out and stay at home with his wife, ending the A with you.

 

This is like following a script, yet different actors/actresses playing the part in the play.

 

Yep. Completely agree.

 

What also screams to me is how he is showing the original poster how important she is by telling her to NOT text him and he hasn't contacted her. He is still MORE concerned about his wife's feelings and not hers. This is the story of many OW - the waiting, the wondering, the waiting, the waiting, the waiting. Being the hidden secret.

 

And watch out - the 15 year old son is more likely than not going to have any respect for his father after finding out dad was cheating on mom with some girl he has known for 5 months!

 

Lastly - how humiliating that people at work now know the 2 employees were in an affair. And how pathetic is it that everyone knows about the MM wanting out of the marriage ---- EXCEPT HIS WIFE!!!!! Glad to know he talks about his private life to others, except his wife. Shows his immaturity and lack of respect.