HawksRule Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 So I just found out this morning my girlfriend of 4 years (fiancee for 1) cheated on me about 3 weeks ago. her reason is because she wanted to get back at me, we were having a lot of relationship issues, and I kissed some other girl, and things went a little farther then she intended. She seems sorry, and says so, that it would never happen again. Funny thing is I believe her. So here's the weird part. Any normal person in this situation would have flipped out. Got angry at her, want to beat up the guy, never want to see her again, see ya later, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out. But instead...I was extremely hurt by the whole thing. But I know how much I love her, and how I STILL want my future with her. How I know it's going to be EXTREMELY tough but I want to work through this with her (i have my problems too, I feel guilty in a way because I in one way or another was a factor for her cheating...due to my own cheating kiss and relationship issues). But yeah so far it's only been maybe less than 12 hours, i'm still hurt, but I'm not flipping out. In fact I just want to be with her and move past this. BTW I'm not normally a guy who gets walked on. So yeah what's wrong with me? Why am I not angry, throwing stuff, yelling, etc.
BellaBellaBella Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 Other people have gotten through these things. Why not get the book how to surive an affair?
TheLoveAdvisor Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 Maybe your in shock?? Maybe you feel you deserved it??? I would still be cautious of a mate that has or feels the need to get even when something happens...
Author HawksRule Posted October 2, 2010 Author Posted October 2, 2010 I would still be cautious of a mate that has or feels the need to get even when something happens... - I think this is the only part that has me worried about the future. As I know in a past (High school) relationship of hers, she did cheat on her boyfriend, because he cheated on her. I never thought she would have cheated on me, but then again, I never thought I would have cheated on her either (although mine was not the same extent, it was still cheating). I know I will not stray again. I guess the question to ask myself is, is knowing that I will not stray again enough to know that she will not either? or at least feeling that way? Anyway we are going to counselling on Monday. I'm still hurt, I am starting to get a feel angry feelings here and there (i guess that's natural). But at the same time, I know it won't fix anything if I yell at her, and go kick his ass. All I know is I want to make it work, and I want to learn how to forgive her. Am I crazy or something? or just too logical?
Bryanp Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 Let me see if I have this right. Your girlfriend who you are engaged to got upset because you kissed a girl so she then proceeds to have sex with some other man and expose herself to STD's? What is wrong with this picture? She has a history of cheating on her partner if she thinks he may have cheated on her. What is wrong with this picture? I think you are in shock. I think you would be out of your mind to marry someone like this. There is no question you should have not kissed another girl but her overreaction of having sex with another guy for revenge is totally unacceptable. You both are engaged to be married. Sorry my friend but your girlfriend does not sound very special to me. If someone else had written your post what would you have replied to them? Her having sex with someone else clearly shows she has no respect for you or your relationship. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.
PegNosePete Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 Bryan is right. Don't marry this girl. Consider it a dodged bullet that you found out she is a cheater before you got married. If you're off kissing other girls then you're not ready for marriage either. Time to move on.
YellowShark Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 So I just found out this morning my girlfriend of 4 years (fiancee for 1) cheated on me about 3 weeks ago. her reason is because she wanted to get back at me, we were having a lot of relationship issues, and I kissed some other girl, and things went a little farther then she intended. She seems sorry, and says so, that it would never happen again. Funny thing is I believe her. Here's some tough love. So what happens next time "YOUR FIANCE" wants to cough cough... "get back at you?" She bangs two guys at the same time? Does anal with an ex-con? Just asking.
crazedteacher Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 I think some of the replies in this post are a bit harsh but I will tell you that my husband cheated on me and I didn't flip out either and I was extremely hurt but I stayed for my daughter and the fact that I still loved him but now he knows he got away with it and doesn't treat me the way I should be treated. I say you might need to cut her loose because if she is that vindictive, once you guys get married it is going to get worse. Good luck in whatever you decide.
Author HawksRule Posted October 5, 2010 Author Posted October 5, 2010 I think some of the replies in this post are a bit harsh but I will tell you that my husband cheated on me and I didn't flip out either and I was extremely hurt but I stayed for my daughter and the fact that I still loved him but now he knows he got away with it and doesn't treat me the way I should be treated. I say you might need to cut her loose because if she is that vindictive, once you guys get married it is going to get worse. Good luck in whatever you decide. Yeah that's one of my concerns, it's almost as if she got off too easy. I mean in a way things have gotten so much better because I guess she's been hiding this for a while and she was worried what I was going to think when I finally found out. And after finding out I still love her. Anyway I'm trying real hard to put the past behind me, it's still pretty new. But the sad thing is, yes I feel the need/want to snoop. I shouldn't exactly be all like show me your facebook/txtmessages etc all the time. even though she gladly tells me what she's doing all the time, that's not a healthy relationship either. I do want to rebuild my trust for her, I want to eventually forgive her fully (but of course never forget) and not hold this against her. Any ideas? We started some counseling too, and it seemed to be pretty good.
martini-mae Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 I don't think there's anything wrong with you. However, when one person in a relationship cheats (whether it's kissing, EA, full blown affair) - then the other person in the relationship cheats- How do you have a leg to stand on as far as complaining about it? You could say, "Honey, You cheated on me, I'm so hurt" - But the response I would think from her would be "Well, so did you, guess we're even" Sounds' childish & it isn't right, but isn't that what it really boils down to? Sounds like you just need to work thru your feelings, she needs to work thru hers. Counseling (although not for everyone) may help you sort this out. Hopefully it never happens again.
Spark1111 Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Yeah that's one of my concerns, it's almost as if she got off too easy. I mean in a way things have gotten so much better because I guess she's been hiding this for a while and she was worried what I was going to think when I finally found out. And after finding out I still love her. Anyway I'm trying real hard to put the past behind me, it's still pretty new. But the sad thing is, yes I feel the need/want to snoop. I shouldn't exactly be all like show me your facebook/txtmessages etc all the time. even though she gladly tells me what she's doing all the time, that's not a healthy relationship either. I do want to rebuild my trust for her, I want to eventually forgive her fully (but of course never forget) and not hold this against her. Any ideas? We started some counseling too, and it seemed to be pretty good. Rebuilding trust that has been destroyed in a relationship begins with total transparency on BOTH your parts. That means emails, cell phones, passwords, and accountability for your time throughout the day. And you both willingly do this until....as long as it takes and whenever asked. Try to undestand why you both had this transgression in your relationship, and talk, talk, talk to each other and to the counselor. Have you been taking each other for granted? Feel neglected by one another....not making each other feel special? Rectify it now. I think you can figure this out together. Good luck to you both!
newlife2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 I really don't get the responses to this thread. People who are completely intolerant of cheating (won't name names here) have replied to this thread and have completely ignored the fact that this OP STARTED the cheating. Cheating is cheating... kissing, or more. Who started it? The OP. I'm sorry, but I don't think it's just full-blown sex that constitutes cheating. You, the OP, violated your vows and relationship with your fiancee. I can only imagine how she felt. Was she right in what she did? No, but neither was the OP.
BettyBoop Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 (edited) I did what your fiancé did when I was 16 and together with my first boyfriend. He made me feel like **** and I kissed another guy to "get back at him". To hurt him like he had hurt me. My guess is your g/f wanted you to feel the pain of having someone you love hurt you like that. What I did at age 16 was extremely childish and I vowed to never do it again. Honestly, neither of you sound mature enough to handle being engaged nor married. I would postphone the engagement until you both have done some growing up. I'd never marry a guy who had cheated and kissed someone else, so honestly I cannot blame your fiancé for what she did - even if it was just as bad, childish and stupid. ...realised I didn't answer your original questions; perhaps you simply feel it won't do any good to yell and kick some ass? Because you love her and simply want to make things alright between you again? That sounds a bit more mature than beating someone up at least. Edited October 13, 2010 by BettyBoop
Dexter Morgan Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 (edited) you aren't angry because you can't claim the high ground. you cheated too. doesn't matter about the severity of what you did vs. what she did. Edited October 14, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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