"I just don't see us growing old together"

[spriggig]

It sounds as if you are using them as a tool.

 

I did the same thing with images of my XW and her OM. I used them to turn my love into hate, that way I wouldn't pine after her and look for straws to clutch for a reconciliation. What I didn't realize was that there was a side effect, as I also used it to through a blanket of mistrust over all women. Little did I realize that I was sabatoging my own life. ...

 

Yes, this exactly. We can use anger to push through depression and get past unreasonable hope, but we eventually need to honestly balance the responsibility to avoid self-defeating or bitter behavior.

 

I fast forward to where I am at now. I can't date. I Feel fine being single- but I relate every outcome to that horrible moment where the man I loved told me he didn't see himself growing old with me.

 

There's no guarantee that any of us will live to see tomorrow, the further out in time a promise aims at, the less likely it is to come true. Take promises of the heart for what they are--loving intention of the moment.

[threebyfate]

Oh yeah! I call her D-liscious for a reason.

To list a few of her positives, she's:

• Smart
  
• Funny
  
• Gorgeous
  
• Capable
  
• Has a sense of style
  
• Compassionate but not a bleeding heart
  

[Confused9]

D-Lish,

 

I remember you posting to me when I was going through my breakup about 3 years ago. You were always kind and nice and helpful and while I don't have some amazingly put post to knock off your socks, I figured I would try...

 

OK, so you were together for 6 years, that's a long time, but you've been without him for 8 years...that's 14 years, that a very long time, and for 8 of those years you have literally lived prisoner to his words. I think you need to use them as fuel to move on, once and for all, and stop allowing him to live in your head rent free. Seriously, the best revenge is a life well lived and you are not allowing yourself the chance for someone else to come in to your life. That is SO not fair. You need to let go of this cheater once and for all. Seriously, he's robbed you of enough time!

 

I was HEART BROKEN, devastated, when my ex left and I still get angry and feel sorry for myself from time to time, but I started dating someone almost a year ago, 2 years post break up and affair and I feel blessed that the ex did what he did becasue this relationship, this person, is sooooooooo worth what I went through. You owe that to yourself.

 

You are an amazing person and lots of people think so, even strangers that you have gotten to know on a personal level due to this website. You deserve to be happy and once and for all let this man go.

 

 

We all fall off the horse, but we gotta get back up...

[sumdude]

D! You're one of my favorite posters on LS.

 

Hate to hear that you kinda feelin' the past today and thinking about what you're ex said to you.

 

To quote a country boy I used to work with "Them's just words!"

 

It was the actions that hurt.. it was the tearing apart of the life you had and the life you thought you would have. The loss of self confidence and the shattering of self image when the affair happened.

 

I'm three years out of my divorce. I have trust issues that I have to keep working on. I often lose faith but have to wake up everyday and keep going and have hope.

 

Suddenly I find myself in a strange situation. Where someone I dated last year and who is now my best freind makes me wonder if it's possible. ... and part of me is afraid.. of failure and rejection.. and even more of success because to belive in that again is to fly high. The higher you fly the more it can hurt if you fall.

 

So right now I'm just on the edge wondering if I should take the leap. Cause I may gain a lover or lose a friend.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is.. I know how it feels. I haven't been the same person I was since the rug got pulled out from under me. Sometimes I get stuck thinking about what she did and said when it all hit the fan. I have to shake myself out of it cause it's a familiar place to get lost in.

[jerbear]

To list a few of her positives, she's:

• Smart
  
• Funny
  
• Gorgeous
  
• Capable
  
• Has a sense of style
  
• Compassionate but not a bleeding heart
  

 

I will add:

 

• resilient
  
• sexy
  
• D-licious!!!!!
  

[D-Lish]

Hi everyone, sorry I am getting back to my post so late! I am just reading through all the responses.

 

Because you let someone into the deepest, darkest parts of yourself and they rejected it. Some people NEVER open up that completely to anyone in their entire life.

 

I think you summed it up quite succinctly. When I think about why I just refuse to connect with anyone now- it def goes back to knowing I let him in so deeply and he ultimately rejected me. I don't know if I could ever allow myself to be that vulnerable ever again.

 

I remember how safe I felt being with someone that knew everything about me, and still loved me like crazy.

 

Everyone has a threshold. When pain, anger, shock, sadness and disappointment build up past that threshold, you don't come back the same. The memory is always there. The fun and hope of a new relationship would normally make you forget. But when that line has been crossed, the new relationship becomes more of a threat than an opportunity.

 

It seems like it would be nice to go back to the days of youthful innocence when you had no idea what searing heartbreak and disappointment felt like. Back then you could jump in with both feet and believe you'd conquer all.

 

But knowing what you know now, do you really want to go back to the days when you could believe no one would never hurt you like that? Or instead maybe you could keep the knowledge in hand but magically find someone who you know won't do it? How will you ever know?

 

You won't let anyone in until you alter the equation. You have to convince yourself the expected costs are low: either the probability of disappointment has to be lower or the disappointment itself can be minimized. Can you protect your heart but still let someone in? Can you find someone you know for sure you can count on? Neither of those is easy.

 

When you consider the time and effort required to cut the expected costs, not trying usually seems like the better option.

 

Yes, I agree with what you've said. I highlighted what stood out to me.

 

It took me so many years to actually say those words out loud- to publically acknowledge he ever said them. I've been thinking about it a lot since I put it to paper.

 

And you're right, "not trying", and all the excuses that go along with that have become my mantra.

 

Because you never truly acknowledged to yourself how much those words hurt you.

When you face the hurt it allows you to place it and move on.

 

Well, that much is true. I knew those words were there, I just couldn't face them. I have only realized lately how deeply I've internalized them- to my detriment of course.

 

I actually went out on a date last night from POF- I realized how much I've been isolating myself.

 

I am still reading through your responses, and I have more people to respond to...

[D-Lish]

If you check the link out, you'll see that there is much, much more to it. I thought I would quote this specific part for a reason. Perhaps, the main issue is, acceptance? Accepting the fact that what had happened, really had nothing to do with you, that it's a part of life. Being able to accept that it had happened, and your life would change dramatically because of it, all the while being able to forgive him for what he has done, and yourself for what you have put yourself through?

 

I could be waaayyyy off here, i'm just trying to throw out some ideas I truly believe that if you continue to search for the answer, you may find something out about yourself that you had no idea even existed.

 

Hi Erica, long time no talk!

You're not way off, not at all.

 

I think what I have a hard time with is that that rejection DID have something to do with me.... I know I am not an easy person to get to know, and to live with, lol. I did put him through the ringer sometimes, I was extremely difficult to be around sometimes. He was too of course.

 

I have forgiven him 100% for having the affair, we were in a bit of a bad place when it happened, disconnected.

 

Baring my soul to someone and having them love me unconditionally was truly the pinnacle of my love life. I think back to how much it took to get to that place. Now, responding to an e-mail on a dating site, having coffee with someone, setting up a second date seems like wayyyy too much effort... I just give up before anything starts.

[Star Gazer]

D, did you carry those words with you over the years, or is this something you've been thinking about more recently?

[D-Lish]

D, did you carry those words with you over the years, or is this something you've been thinking about more recently?

 

I think those words have always been my worst nightmare. I think I was always afraid that if someone ever truly got to know me, they wouldn't like me. Then I met someone that loved me unconditionally, and I grew to feel safe- then he qualified my worst fears. I took all my walls down and I was just "me" with him, I made myself as vulnerable as humanly possible and he rejected me. Hard pill to swallow.

 

I've never exposed myself to anyone else in my life besides my exH.

 

My exH was truly one of the good guys, but he still cheated. I can't help but think that if a good guy can do that, everyone will.

[USMCHokie]

My exH was truly one of the good guys, but he still cheated. I can't help but think that if a good guy can do that, everyone will.

 

But don't you think that him cheating would instantly revoke his "good guy" qualification...?

 

EDIT: Or maybe not revoke...but reveal his true nature...?

[Star Gazer]

I think those words have always been my worst nightmare. I think I was always afraid that if someone ever truly got to know me, they wouldn't like me. Then I met someone that loved me unconditionally, and I grew to feel safe- then he qualified my worst fears. I took all my walls down and I was just "me" with him, I made myself as vulnerable as humanly possible and he rejected me. Hard pill to swallow.

 

I've never exposed myself to anyone else in my life besides my exH.

 

I ask because Skiman and I had a similar conversation, and sometimes I wonder if the hurt from that conversation hasn't really hit me yet. I'd never allowed myself to be as vulnerable with anyone as I was with him, and he obviously rejected me too.

[D-Lish]

But don't you think that him cheating would instantly revoke his "good guy" qualification...?

 

EDIT: Or maybe not revoke...but reveal his true nature...?

 

No, I don't think so. I think he had a lapse in judgement, but I think that lapse in judgement was driven by our circumstance.

 

We had fallen into a place in our marriage where we had become so close to one another that our relationship had become more best friends than romantic. It had been a long time since we had engaged in sex (6 months). That was all me- I loved him on a higher plane- but I lost sexual attraction for him.... He was my best friend, but I'd lost the ability to see him as a lover. I think he was justified in seeking sexual contact because of that- I actually blame myself.

[D-Lish]

I ask because Skiman and I had a similar conversation, and sometimes I wonder if the hurt from that conversation hasn't really hit me yet. I'd never allowed myself to be as vulnerable with anyone as I was with him, and he obviously rejected me too.

 

Well Star, it's been 7ish years since that conversation with my exH. I remember what both of us were wearing, where we were sitting, the look on his face...and I can quote the conversation word for word.

 

I've always kinda known that conversation was a defining moment in my life- I have just avoided acknowledging it. I'm hoping acknowledging it and facing it will bring about some change for me.

 

What makes you think it hasn't hit you yet?

[D-Lish]

I ask because Skiman and I had a similar conversation, and sometimes I wonder if the hurt from that conversation hasn't really hit me yet. I'd never allowed myself to be as vulnerable with anyone as I was with him, and he obviously rejected me too.

 

Well Star, it's been 7ish years since that conversation with my exH. I remember what both of us were wearing, where we were sitting, the look on his face...and I can quote the conversation word for word.

 

I've always kinda known that conversation was a defining moment in my life- I have just avoided acknowledging it. I'm hoping acknowledging it and facing it will bring about some change for me.

 

What makes you think it hasn't hit you yet?

[GG2W]

Six months without sex in a marriage, and you still wonder why he said, that he can't see growing old with you, and went off and had an affair?

[tojaz]

D-Lish, I have read this thread over and over. Trying to write a reply that would do it justice after reading so many of your great responses to others.

 

"I try, and I try, but I just don't see us growing old together"

 

When I read those words, I see a lousy outlook on life and love. Someone who had doubts and rather then working through them like a reasonable person decided to cut bait and run. Someone who wanted a guarantee. The words themselves are defeatest. How many old couples look back and say "yep this is just how I pictured it"? I know there is so much more going on there, but the words are cold and callous.

 

For some, life is about the journey, a constant state of flux, shifting and growing based on every new experience, or sensation. I think most would agree that you fall into that category. Then there are those that life is only about the destination, a state of mind where if the end result is not guaranteed, then why bother with taking the path. Thats abandonment, pure and simple, and abandonment scars run quite deep and some of them will never heal. Trust, and that willingness to share yourself comes harder. It becomes about the destination, and where we surely don't want to end up again.

 

I fast forward to where I am at now. I can't date. I Feel fine being single- but I relate every outcome to that horrible moment where the man I loved told me he didn't see himself growing old with me.

 

Its fear, fear that you will have to relive the pain all over again with someone else. Fear of being abandoned. Why take the risk? Take it for those 6 years that were good, for the journey!

 

Most of the people on LS have sentences like that haunting them, and I'm no different. Lucky me, my wife was a writer so I get several! I get sad, I get upset, and i hate what has happened, but I wouldn't ever want to forget the good times we had, because there was a lot, but it took seeing after the D and coming to see some of the other amazing women out there that I would never have met had this not happened. All just friends for now, but still an impact on my life. Its not a perfect science, but it is what it is, and this is where we find ourselves. We never really know where were going to end up, but the only way to find out is to just get out and start living again.

 

TOJAZ

[D-Lish]

When I read those words, I see a lousy outlook on life and love. Someone who had doubts and rather then working through them like a reasonable person decided to cut bait and run. Someone who wanted a guarantee. The words themselves are defeatest. How many old couples look back and say "yep this is just how I pictured it"? I know there is so much more going on there, but the words are cold and callous.

 

For some, life is about the journey, a constant state of flux, shifting and growing based on every new experience, or sensation. I think most would agree that you fall into that category. Then there are those that life is only about the destination, a state of mind where if the end result is not guaranteed, then why bother with taking the path. Thats abandonment, pure and simple, and abandonment scars run quite deep and some of them will never heal. Trust, and that willingness to share yourself comes harder. It becomes about the destination, and where we surely don't want to end up again.

 

 

 

Its fear, fear that you will have to relive the pain all over again with someone else. Fear of being abandoned. Why take the risk? Take it for those 6 years that were good, for the journey!

 

Most of the people on LS have sentences like that haunting them, and I'm no different. Lucky me, my wife was a writer so I get several! I get sad, I get upset, and i hate what has happened, but I wouldn't ever want to forget the good times we had, because there was a lot, but it took seeing after the D and coming to see some of the other amazing women out there that I would never have met had this not happened. All just friends for now, but still an impact on my life. Its not a perfect science, but it is what it is, and this is where we find ourselves. We never really know where were going to end up, but the only way to find out is to just get out and start living again.

 

TOJAZ

 

Hi T, thanks for your words.

 

I won't deny that it's the fear that stops me in my tracks now. I guess I feel that such a long time has elapsed since the divorce that I should have my **** figured out. I should have moved on, gotten over it, and been in a much better place emotionally.

 

I think I always knew those words had a huge impact- but I couldn't acknowledge the weight of it. So now the real struggle is how to deal with it now, in the present.

[tojaz]

Hi T, thanks for your words.

 

I won't deny that it's the fear that stops me in my tracks now. I guess I feel that such a long time has elapsed since the divorce that I should have my **** figured out. I should have moved on, gotten over it, and been in a much better place emotionally.

 

I think I always knew those words had a huge impact- but I couldn't acknowledge the weight of it. So now the real struggle is how to deal with it now, in the present.

 

I think it isn't so much how to deal with it, as it is just accepting it. That sounds cold and cliche around here but its the truth. Like I said, we all have those words haunting each of us in the back of our mind. "It was nice being special to you for awhile, but I don't want to have to care about you anymore" Thats mine, thats what killed 14 years. Yeah they haunt me sometimes, they hold me back sometimes too.

 

This is a quote I sent another LSer quite awhile back that she really embraced and still does now that shes moved on.

 

"God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you NEED: To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be."

 

Our experiences, both good and bad make us who we are. He was very important to you, and made an impact on your life that will never change, but in the end HE let YOU down. HE is one person among many though, with his own issues, his own problems and his own sensitivities that made it not work. That by no means means it will not work with anyone. You know this.

 

So how to deal with it? For me, I think i will use it to my advantage. My trust is going to be harder to earn now. I know that, I also know that I could get hurt again, but I also know I'm wiser now, more conscious of what I need in my life and of the people that I don't, and how to tell the difference. You would not be you if he had not been in your life, but you would not be here, learning the things you've learned and sharing the things you've shared and helping others had it not ended. Someone out there is going to love that, they would be a fool not to!

 

TOJAZ

[2.50 a gallon]

D-Lish

 

Do not give up hope. Although I went back into the dating scene almost immediately, it was only for companionship and sex. I was determined that I would never be vulnerable and fall in love again. By that I worked at it, reminding myself daily that all women were not to be trusted and I was never going to get that involved again.

 

My sabbatical from love lasted 15 years, you are a little more than half way.

 

That is when fate, or what ever you want to call it, stepped in, if you can imagine, me actively working at never loving again, and my now GF, who was a victim of an abusing controlling husband and was just as determined as myself to never trust a man again, somehow getting to together. I was never a woman hater and she was never a man hater, but the both of us were standing just outside that door.

 

The good news, is that you have woken up and you are starting to question your inner soul. That is a step forward in finding your way back to a loving relationship

 

As for dating, it doesn't have to be serious, just go out and have a good time, playing games, or bowling.

[trippi1432]

Hi D-Lish - Been following this thread since you started it as I too got the same words from my ex...in an email, "I always pictured us growing old together," then followed with all the justifications for why that would not be.

 

Those are stinging words, but they are only one man's opinion....and, in my case, an opinion that means very little in my life now. Something I have come to realize is how much stock I put into my ex's opinion of me AFTER he left rather than when he was there. I know that is more from the shock as I thought he would not leave me. I bought into that "promise" and accepted him as he was, vices and all.

 

So, yes....words can get stuck in our heads and take up much needed space...space that we need to get back to ourselves. To know it's okay to be just who you are with anyone....being you is being honest with yourself. So what If you're quirky, so what if this one person had an opinion....what makes It right? Live life knowing who you are...the rest will fall into place.

[sumdude]

Those are stinging words, but they are only one man's opinion....and, in my case, an opinion that means very little in my life now. Something I have come to realize is how much stock I put into my ex's opinion of me AFTER he left rather than when he was there. I know that is more from the shock as I thought he would not leave me. I bought into that "promise" and accepted him as he was, vices and all.

 

So, yes....words can get stuck in our heads and take up much needed space...space that we need to get back to ourselves. To know it's okay to be just who you are with anyone....being you is being honest with yourself. So what If you're quirky, so what if this one person had an opinion....what makes It right? Live life knowing who you are...the rest will fall into place.

 

 

This can be so true. To this day every once in a while my ex's voice or opinion stings from inside my own head even three years later. When it happens I have to tell myself that it's not really me thinking this and trying not to believe it. Heck it could be my mom's ideas or some kid from Jr. high or one of the crappy bosses I've had.

 

Wish there was some kind of EX-orcism pill that would wipe out all those negative ideas others put in our heads.

[D-Lish]

All I can tell you is that words are more powerful than we think. Remember that whole BS kids rhyme "sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me"...That's such a load of crap. We all know that we can recover from a physical injury much quicker than an emotional injury.

 

I just don't want to be that person that never recovers from an emotional injury.

 

It's been too long- and I think a lot of it translates to feeling sorry for myself, even though I brush it off as something else.

 

I have a date set up Monday. I am going out with a guy from pof that I've been talking to. I'm kinda excited about it. He's really cute, he's my age, he seems to be pretty alright from what I know from our correspondence. It's been such a long time since I've been open to meeting someone that might fit the bill for a relationship.

[sumdude]

All I can tell you is that words are more powerful than we think. Remember that whole BS kids rhyme "sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me"...That's such a load of crap. We all know that we can recover from a physical injury much quicker than an emotional injury.

 

I just don't want to be that person that never recovers from an emotional injury.

 

It's been too long- and I think a lot of it translates to feeling sorry for myself, even though I brush it off as something else.

 

I have a date set up Monday. I am going out with a guy from pof that I've been talking to. I'm kinda excited about it. He's really cute, he's my age, he seems to be pretty alright from what I know from our correspondence. It's been such a long time since I've been open to meeting someone that might fit the bill for a relationship.

 

Some injuries just take longer to heal than others.

 

Hope it works out D-Lish. You deserve it!

[whichwayisup]

I don't know how I missed your thread, sweets.

 

Always keep in mind that the next guy who comes along isn't the "one" who hurt you. It's hard to not let that kind of stuff surface and come back in new relationships. It's more than just abit of pain, it becomes almost like a phobia. The thing is, you can't let that phobia ruin you otherwise you may miss the boat due to fear.

 

You are a kind hearted and loving person. Any man would be lucky to have you in his life and grow old with you! Shame on that f*kctard who said that to you!

[D-Lish]

I don't know how I missed your thread, sweets.

 

Always keep in mind that the next guy who comes along isn't the "one" who hurt you. It's hard to not let that kind of stuff surface and come back in new relationships. It's more than just abit of pain, it becomes almost like a phobia. The thing is, you can't let that phobia ruin you otherwise you may miss the boat due to fear.

 

You are a kind hearted and loving person. Any man would be lucky to have you in his life and grow old with you! Shame on that f*kctard who said that to you!

 

Thanks WWiUP,

 

I didn't even know you responded a while back and I appreciate your input as usual, thanks honey!

 

I am at that point where I am so closed off to the notion of a relationship that I feel I will be single until the day I die.

 

It's been 8 years since my exH said those words to me, and since then I had a year long unhealthy relationship (the one that led me to LS), and a series of unhealthy interactions- mostly fwb's.

 

I'm not angry or overly bitter anymore (I don't think)- just deflated, unmotivated, and without hope.

 

It always goes back to those words. He was the man I loved and gave myself to. I married him at 30, and things quickly fell apart, he had an affair, got another woman pregnant, I wanted no part of reconciliation with him- and I left.

 

I haven't been the same since. I just remember that moment, and it disturbs me to this day.

 

Those words broke me in ways I can't describe. I need to get over it. I have the tools to get over it- but I keep failing.