Author PK66 Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 Well ! You definitely did the right thing by not sleeping in the spare room. She got a little pissy? Let her. She has no right to throw some tantrum. You handled that perfectly. You never agreed to sleep in the spare room, yet it sounds like she expected you to! NOT gonna happen, right? Now I'm wondering if she suffers from not only depression, but being pampered by you? Or assuming you will ask how high when she says jump? HAHA!! Naw, usually she isn't very demanding, but when she's tired or hungry... LOOKOUT!! In the beginning I did the typical shocked husband thing of thinking that she was upset that I'd ignored her too much and that I had to show her how much I loved her by showering her with affection and doing things for her... Boy was I wrong!!! That drove her away from me like fingernails on a chalkboard!!! I think she still thinks I'm gonna react to her like that and when she was half asleep and tired... Well... Bummer... Back from her class... In decent spirits... Me too... chatted a bit about some gossip about people we know... she got ready for bed and told me goodnight and headed to her room...
Author PK66 Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 Well... the end is likely here. Today (against my better judgement) I logged onto my wife's FB page. There was an open chat window from a guy that my wife and a bunch of her friends know up. He was subtly hitting on her and she was "politely" blowing him off. (the convo was already done.) He said to her he would be home alone on Sat. with his kids. My wife responded that must be nice for him. He said what do you mean nice? and she had responded "to be home with your kids. I just moved back home because I missed my kids." He then said miss talking to you... She said I have to go to a meeting and might be hard to get ahold of and had logged out. This seemed a little fishy to me. I logged on later and he had texted back to her "I Want You." I lost it inside... I texted her "I know now.." then "And I know who with..." She responded that I had obviously gotten into her FB page. That she hadn't contacted him in months and that she stopped when it started getting wierd... I responded with "what a waste..." She texted back "This all has nothing to do with that bull****!!! I am not having a ****ing affair!!!" I said back "Please. Show me a little respect." She said "I'm calling you" and called. Of course I confronted her. She admitted that after about 2 months of us being separated she had been texting him about our problems. I knew this back then and asked about this guy from a bunch of her friends, including one that was breaking up with her boyfriend while being pregnant with twins and facing jail time for a 2nd DWI... I was at my parents at the time and had become a strong support for her online and her for me. We chatted at night a lot, but we never even got close to anything inappropriate. She knew this guy very well. I asked her about him and she said he was harmless, just a guy that lots of girls liked to talk to because he was so much like a girl that they could relate to him. Nothing to worry about... Always had a funny feeling about him... She said that at that 2 month point he started to get suggestive to her and that for a few nights she was innapropriate with him thru texts... She was lonely... It started to get too wierd for her once he started to really push for full out sexting and wanted to hook up with her. She stopped contacting him and that just recently he had been trying to contact her again. She said after the last time (which I found) she sent him an FB message that she was not interested and not to contact her anymore. (I checked the messages, and she had done that prior to me even finding the chat.) She may only be telling me part of it, but it doesn't really matter... This of course started a conversation about where we stood and where she is with it all... She stated that over the years we had arguments and problems, but she would always sit and talk thru them with me and we would move on and it would cycle (see OP) but thru it all she still held a vision of a future with me in the marriage. She then said that the last time we had a major blowup she realized that the vision was gone. She could no longer imagine a future being married to me. She stuck it out for several months hopeing it would come back, but it never did and that now she just thinks it should be over. I asked her what do you have as a vision for your future instead and she said she didn't know, other than taking care of herself and our girls. I said what about a companion and she said right now she doesn't want anyone... She said she may never, but for now she just wanted to focus on becoming content with her life... I told her that I had no plan to return to our marriage as it was and would rather live alone as well if that was what it would be... I could still envision a future that included a marriage with her, and that I hadn't lost the dream of a marriage like we shared when we first started but never made happen. I thought that if we learned from the years of mistakes, really tried to adress them and ourselves, the real causes not just the events, and looked at the life changing events of the past 5 months we could work with our MC and learn how to be what we wanted to be... I asked if she would keep going with me to therapy to at least see if she could find anyway to have a vision of a future with me... She said she would at least go next week but couldn't commit that she was going to be able to recapture any idea of a future with me as her husband... I sat for a few hours and thought about it... I then sent her a letter telling her I was ready to accept that this phase of our relationship was done. It was now before us to work into the next phase, and that her friendship was most important to me for the future. For our daughters and our future relationships with everyone in our lives we needed to continue therapy to work thru and learn from our past mistakes, learn how to hold on to the positives and to remain important people in each others lives... We may wind up thru it as a marriage, we may wind up on our own, but I didn't want us to just be a past filled with nothing but memories... I then asked if she would come home while we unraveled the intertwined life we have, continue in therapy to retain and grow the relationship as friends and parents with no goal of reconciliation or divorce. That we would let where we wind up in our relationship and who we are to each other in that relationship happen because that is where we both brought it through the process together. That we would wind up where we both felt it needed to go because we'd worked to get there together... I am awaiting a reply...
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