When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide...

[PK66]

Wow... been lurking on here for a few days. Good (well, bad really) to know I'm not alone in this. Getting close to a probable "answer" from my DW. This gives me mixed emotions. Let me back up and give some background. I'd like to know if anyone has any similar scenarios playing out and what they are finding "works" for them...

 

There has been an underlying problem between me and my DW for many years. We both have pulled into ourselves on an emotional level and not communicated our feelings or needs (or lack of having them met) for a very long time. The process has been gradual, we've been married for 12 years and together for 14. We truly are the best of friends. we rarely ever "fight" and never use name calling or demeaning comments at each other. We do both get very defensive and "compare" each others behavior back at each other rather than taking the critisism at face value. This has caused a definate breakdown in our ability to communicate about deeper feelings and needs that has grown over the years... We also tend to cycle thru happy, not happy, blow up.. repeat. We will have a major blowup, talk about it and how we now know what jerks we've been to each other, make up, and then go back to "normal life" and then a month or 2 later it just repeats. I built a pretty big shell over my emotions and then when they come out, THEY COME OUT!!! no physical violence, but lots of drama and stomping around, leaving the house and sleeping in the car etc...

 

6 months ago once again we hit the blowup stage with each other and DW finally just shut down. I had to go out of town for a few days for work and we had some texting and phone contact with each other where she basically said "I can't do this anymore." When I got home she said she was going over to one of her friends houses to spend the night and "clear her head" about what she wanted to do. While there she called and said she thought maybe we shouldn't be together, that the relationship was "Toxic" and she needed time to think. I knew that I couldn't just go back to it either and the next day I told her I was going to go stay at my parents for awhile and get my head together so we could work on our marriage in time. She just let me go without saying much. Once gone it was as if she kicked me out and we we're now "separated." She said she didn't know if she wanted to get back together or to work on the marriage anymore but wouldn't say why. I began working out and reading a lot. Mostly books about Mindfulness and being aware of my thoughts and emotions and being in complete concious control of myself and how I respond to my own thoughts and emotions. I've grown enormously and feel better about myself and life than I have for years... My wife spent that time replaying everything in her head over and over, and has basically become stuck in a loop. She still has no idea what she wants to do or if she wants to stay together or not. After being at my parents for 2 months my DW and our 2 daughters, 8 and 10, along with her mother (her father stayed home) and her aunt went on a long planned and already paid for 10 day trip to Disneyworld/Orlando. When we came back I told her I was moving back in. She reluctantly allowed it to happen since it is my home and my daughters too. Since then we have had some deep conversations and lots of owning up about our behaviors and our own self weaknesses... We have had some fantastic sex (better than we had in years) and we have had some amazing time spent together as a family. We have also had a heavy, heavy shadow cast over it all because she still can't commit to either a split or a commit.

 

Here (sorry that was so long winded) is where we are today. 3 days ago she came home from work and was very aggitated. I asked if it was me she was upset with and she said no. Was it work? She said "It's everything!!!" and so I left her alone to beat out work emails on her laptop while I went to the store. When I came back she said "I need to talk to you" and told me she couldn't keep going on like this and was going to go stay at her parents for several days. This was on a wed. and the upcoming Monday 6 days later we had what was to be our 3rd couples therapy. The last couples therapy the therapist finally heard from her the "I love him, but I'm not in love with him" "I can't trust that I can ever open up to him" "I can't feel safe with him" "He's an amazing man, attractive and the best father I know" "I don't know If I want to stay married or not"... The therapist then asked if it would be OK with us if this monday session she just met with my DW to try to help get her "unstuck" about what she's feeling and what she wants. I haven't seen her in 2 days, emailed a little bit about our daughters volleyball practice and other than that NC. I will see her tomorrow because she coaches my older daughters soccer team and they have a tournament. She says she wants to come home in the afternoon to spend time with my daughters, and I suspect to get more things for her parents (clothes, etc..) The 5+ months of limbo not knowing whether she will commit to working on the relationship or if she wants to end it has taken it's toll on us both. She may get an answer for herself on Monday, or maybe not. I think she knows this can't continue. Is anyone else going thru a similar situation??? I feel like we could work thru the lack of communication and rebuild trust, but only if she feels that way too. I love her like no-one else in the world, but I will accept divorce if she can't commit. Obviously this is emotionally ripping my heart out. I don't think she wants a divorce, but I don't think she has any vision of any alternative path because she is still so confused and muddled in her head. Anyone in a similar situation? and how are you coping?

[Iconoclast]

I think you should investigate throughly that there is no other party involved. There will be NO chance of reconciling with her while that is happening.

"I love him, but I'm not in love with him" are like magic words. Almost always equals affair.

 

"I can't feel safe with him"...and this. I don't see you've done anything to warrant that comment. Waywards tend to rewrite the relationship history.

 

You need to rule out the above first, (or confirm it).

[PK66]

Thanks Iconoclast. I am convinced there isn't any other person. She comes home directly after work, hasn't been going out at all and doesn't spend much time on the computer.

 

I did log onto her FB page and went thru her emails early on in the "separation" because she wouldn't tell me why she wanted to be apart. naturally I thought "another dude..." I also got ahold of her cell phone and looked at all her texts to see if there was anything there but nothing.

 

One night after a very long night out and her drinking a fair amount she got in a very dark in her mood and told me that she hasn't felt any love for anyone in a long time. That she felt cold and disconnected from everyone but our daughters. It was rather sad to witness...

 

Needless to say, I don't think there is anything going on between her and anyone else. In fact she said that once word got out that we were separated she started to get hit on by guy "friends" thru our circle of friends and that it was really pissing her off because the last thing she wanted right now was to have anything to do with anyone. I may be an idiot in the end, but for now I really do trust her she's not involved with anyone.

[PK66]

I should also say that the "I can't feel safe" comment was about trusting that I wasn't going to just cycle again and that in six months I would start acting like I always did before... blowing up unexpectedly (usually after drinking) and having an emotional meltdown. She doesn't feel like she can make herself vulnerable to that again. That is the "unsafe" she feels.

 

I agree with her about who I was. There is a wonderful book on anger and using mindfulness and Cognitive Behavior Therapy to come to terms with it that helped me get in touch with all of my emotions. That is something I had struggled with for years and years and didn't realize until therapy. I have truly become very different in regard to all my emotions over the last 5 months and am much happier now (didn't like myself much and felt like I was cursed in life alot before.) My wife has even stated to me and our therapist she has seen some changes in me, but she still has that fear that the other shoe is going to drop at some point and she know if she can get beyond that and trust me again...

[carhill]

Any behavioral changes?

 

Any odd or unusual sexual behaviors or comments?

 

Any proactive transparency?

 

Any aversion to or marked changes within MC?

 

Just a few spidey sense questions from my period with MC and divorce. It's interesting how hindsight helps construct past reality.

 

Since you have children, I'd suggest getting a legal opinion on your potentials. Better safe than sorry. Start a plan B early.

 

My sympathies...

[PK66]

I'm sorry Carhill, but what is proactive transparency?

 

No changes sexually (we've only had it about 6 times in the last 5 months) except that she seemed like she was more "passionate" about it and really wanted me. In the past she would have sex even though she didn't really want to.

 

Behavior... not really. She has been taking better care of her appearance, but I think that is because she's feeling depressed and is trying to make herself "feel" better. I have lost about 50lbs and have become pretty muscular over the last 5 months and I think she likes it, but is somewhat jealous and pissed off about the way I look now.

 

I have been looking into state laws and my options regarding custody etc... just in case that where we go...

[carhill]

I'm sorry Carhill, but what is proactive transparency?

Being too forward with normally private communications with others. Offering information which isn't requested. That kind of stuff.

 

Oh, in retrospect, a real good sign was, in my case, the last time we had marital sex was the day I funded the house that would later become hers. I couldn't have written a better script. Superb acting and wonderful dramatic timing. Award winning, really

Edited October 2, 2010 by carhill

[PK66]

No. Nothing like that. In fact she is very private about the whole thing and has gotten mad at me that I posted stuff early on about it on Facebook and how she didn't feel like our friends had the right to know our private stuff...

 

She has in the last 2 months however, been much more open in conversations to mention to people that we are having a "rough time" right now.

[carhill]

I meant the reverse, that she was unusually open with you about her private communications with others. More details than normal. More seeming intimacy than usual and customary in this regard.

 

Also, unusual or out of character bursts of anger, not necessarily at you, but just out of the ordinary for her behavioral patterns.

 

You mentioned she's paying more attention to personal grooming. Think about this part carefully. How much of that grooming is focused in your direction? Is it incidental? Here's a great example. My ex knew I always loved her in heels, so much I liked helping her shop for them. There came a point where she wore heels to work but never when we were together, and she didn't have to wear heels to work. Make sense?

[PK66]

Have I at times thought there is an affair? I'd be lying if I said no. I do know that I can read a lot into ANY of the events over the last 5 months and find reasons for all of it, including an affair, why she is going to come back to me, why she's going to leave me, why she's insane.... If there is one going on (which I still don't think there is) it started up after all of this separation blowup started and is a result of it for her to gain some intimacy with someone rather than as the cause of the whole thing to begin with. Truth be told, I started the ball in motion when I moved in with my parents and started the "separation". If she is having one, there isn't much I can do about it and it won't change our relationship's dynamics or probable future which were in question to her from the begining and still are. If she wants an affair she'll have one whether I want it or not.

 

If we divorce I would be pursuing primary custody and support from her anyway. I feel that if she want's do dissolve the partnership "legally" then she needs to be the one who feels the disadvantage. I will be contacting an attorney next week to get their advice and make preparations just to cover my butt. I hope it doesn't go that way, but I haven't seen any changes in her words or actions either way which leads me to believe that ultimately she will want the split...

[PK66]

Well... in a half hour I will see her for the first time in 3 days. We have spoken for no longer than a total of 1 minute over that time. She's then supposed to come home between soccer games to "spend time with our daughters."

 

I am nervous as hell. I want to try and keep it together, friendly but detached. This will be a test of my resolve big time!!! I will also probably find out what her plans are for staying away over the next few weeks or so will be. I do know that I'm not going anywhere. Well... here we go.

[You Go Girl]

I suspect there is alcohol abuse in this relationship.

You mention having your cyclical "blow up" while quite intoxicated. You mention her telling you she hasn't loved anyone but your daughters while highly intoxicated.

I think you need to take a hard look at the amount of alcohol either of you consumes.

 

It appears that the two of you are trying to break the cycle of your 3 month pattern of being close, distancing, and the eventual "blow up" where you release the tension, make up, and go back to stage 1.

That's a good thing. The pattern is definitely unhealthy. The two of you need to learn how to stop the distancing, and discuss things as soon as you feel the tension start to build, and as soon as you start to feel the distancing begin again.

It doesn't sound like either of you has turned a corner of no-return to a marriage. But neither wants to continue the same game, it's tiring, exhausting.

Discuss with her and your therapist the drinking. I suspect there is more to this problem than revealed.

Cycles of drinking and drama will destroy love eventually. I hope you can salvage this.

[PK66]

Thanks for the observations Yougogirl. I think there is no question that alcohol has a major component to the breakdown of the communication. It isn't a daily component, but about every 10 days to two weeks we wind up staying up or out way too late and drink way too much.

 

The "twisted" part is that as the time goes by day by day we don't communicate our feelings and needs and then when we drink we talk about the heavy issues. After awhile there is enough undealt with discontent that it comes out while intoxicated. I can see this pattern very clearly now and I have stopped all but very light drinking (3 or 4 beers Max) and the frequency down to once or twice a month.

 

The real problem right now is she will not come off the fence. That makes it impossible to work on regaining trust and developing healthy communication. If she decides to just leave then I can't do anything but work on me, not us. Just not sure what to do next. Tried pushing too hard. Pushed her away. Tried doing nothing, but that just let's the uncomfortable feeling just linger undealt with... not sure what is the right thing to do.

[You Go Girl]

Well, I can tell you this, as a person whose marriage definitely crumbled in part due to alcohol, that the rule should always be that serious issues are never discussed while intoxicated.

Common sense, wouldn't you think?

Intoxication takes away common sense. It also skews and twists logic and reality. It is highly dangerous in any relationship to discuss serious issues, or discord of any kind while under the influence. Just something to remember for all of eternity, and all relationships with friends, family, whomever.

There is also the danger of the saboteur--the person who only wants to discuss serious issues while intoxicated, because this is when they can let out their attitude. Creating trouble, if you will. Or lack of confidence to discuss issues when sober--another red flag.

 

Her fence sitting is definitely paralyzing your ability to move forward in any direction. Not much you can do about it, but, it will probably be only temporary, no matter which direction she goes in.

I suggest you discuss breaking the cycle of bad communication in your marriage with her. Discuss how you have learned that under the influence is never the time to discuss issues. Discuss ways and thoughts on how to have better communication between the two of you while avoiding the cycle. Discuss bringing up issues as soon as the tension and distance start to mount. If nothing else, she will see that you are more enlightened.

[PK66]

Thanks for your feedback yougogirl. I think you nailed what needs to happen with the communication right on the head.

 

Well, a fairly easy last 2 days with the DW and soccer games. On sat. after the games we all went out to eat with her parents and had a nice time. The conversation between my DW and I remained light and upbeat the whole day. After the dinner she stayed at our house (she's moved into her parents for the time being) while I took our daughters to my parents for a neighborhood party. Later that evening she was going to work at the homecoming dance at the highschool she works at (she is a school socialworker.) I wound up staying at my parents overnight with my daughters.

 

On sunday my DW came out to the house and we went to the final soccer game of the tournament. Most of the day was equally pleasant, however I could sense that she was beginning to feel uncomfortable with the time together with me and us as a family. After the game she worked out while I ran errands and said she wanted to help decorate our yard for Halloween (Halloween has always been a very big deal in our family.) She became much more sullen and quiet while we decorated. When it was done she packed up a suitcase for a weeks worth of stuff at her parents.

 

As we spent a little time alone I asked her how long she was planning on staying with her parents and she just mumbled she didn't know. I purposly didn't want to talk about anything heavy with her as I knew she is feeling very pressured by me and by herself right now. I just mentioned that I wanted to make sure she knew that I was here to talk at anytime if she wanted, and that if she didn't that was ok too. She said that right now there was nothing to talk about and that she didn't want to talk anymore right now. She then said goodbye to the girls and left.

 

Tomorrow is her one on one appt. with the MC therapist. I will be there for 5 or 10 minutes at the start, but will be leaving (insurance reasons require that I have to make an appearance.) I have come to realize that she is very, very depressed and has been for many years. She has just pretended to be "happy" most of the time in order to make sure that everyone in the family is happy. I even think it has developed into a true clinical depression. She really seems to think that our marriage is the cause of her depression even though I really feel that it is just the place where it shows the most because it is such a large part of her world (our marriage that is.) Up until this point I have been trying to get her to stay commited to the marriage and to work with me on healing the past hurts and building a better marriage for the future. She has said she doesn't know if she can do this. I know believe that she CAN'T work on us right now because she needs to work on herself first. She isn't capable of bringing anything to the marriage because right now there isn't anything for her to bring.

 

My issue right now is that I want her to know that I understand this now, even though she may not completely understand it herself. I want to let her know that I am ok putting our marriage work on hold for the time being and that she just needs to focus on herself. Take the time at her parents and detach from me and the family pressure for as long as she needs. I will be fine and that it is ok to not feel anything right now. Don't give up on the marriage and our family, just ease into it as she feels capable while she heals herself. My fear is that if I let her know this it may backfire and drive her further away, yet I think it's important to let her know that it is ok to go for awhile and that it is because I think she will ultimately be grateful she has this family once she is capable of feeling love again. I thought about writing to her, but emails and such can be difficult to express yourself in sometimes and can be re-read over and over which can then lead to stuff being read into them. I think I will just let her know how I feel tomorrow at the beginning of the therapy appt. in the presence of the therapist and in person. Anybody have any thoughts or opinions about this approach, or what I am thinking of saying to her?

[You Go Girl]

If someone is lost, and you don't give them a map home, they may just wander off for all of eternity.

I think the map you need to give her is what I said above about communication/conflict resolution, and mostly, what I say below about having a beautiful family.

I wouldn't hesitate to say in counseling tomorrow for your ten minutes, that you believe you have a beautiful family and that you believe it will be unhappier apart than together, and that you believe the issues can be resolved. Reminding her that she has a beautiful family is something that may get to her heart, because tearing one apart and walking away is no easy thing to do.

You may also say that you don't want to pressure her as she sorts this out.

Other than that, I'd avoid leaving the door open any further for her to just keep walking.

[PK66]

If someone is lost, and you don't give them a map home, they may just wander off for all of eternity.

 

Definately agree with this!!! I think she knows she has a beautiful family. It has been the one thing she keeps thinking of when she has thought about leaving, and it is what has kept her here still. She has said often and recently what a wonderful father she thinks I am and that I am her best friend. She just can't get herself to feel any deep passion for anyone. I think she contemplates leaving because she thinks it may be the only solution. That somehow the marriage is the source of her depression. I hope that therapy helps to lead her to the realization that the marriage is a major source of pressure and sadness to her BECAUSE she is depressed, not the cause of the depression.

 

Leaving and being on her own, raising the kids in two households, no longer having that daily support, that would not magically make the depression "disconnect" she feels go away. The happiness she is seeking lies within learning to love herself again and in balancing her emotional state. It may even require medication for awhile to balance out her brain chemistry. For her our marriage is like a starving person craving a steak yet having no ability to taste it when she trys to eat one. The process of eating it just further reminds her she can't taste it and she sinks deeper into depression. She needs to figure out what her problem is inside and learn to taste again.

 

I don't think the communication issue can be brought up right now. She's just not there right now to talk anymore about us with me. I think in a few weeks perhaps that may change, but it really depends on how she does getting ahold of her own feelings and issues, and how much she looks at herself as the source of her unhappiness rather than me as the source of her unhappiness... Right now I just remind her she's unhappy...

 

Once (or if ever) she is ready to begin working on the marriage again then I agree that the communication as you described is the first place to start. I am just not sure if I should even say anything to her tomorrow or if I should just let it play out. I am very afraid of pushing her away at this point because she seems like she is right at the breaking point of going one way or the other right now and I don't want to "oversell" the idea she can be happy with me. It may be the thing that applies too much pressure and makes her walk because she just can't do it anymore. It could also be the thing that makes her feel like she has the understanding from me she needs to stay and work thru it all at her pace. The "safe" feeling i mentioned in my OP. I know early on I pushed way too hard and almost drove her away many times. The fact she stayed tells me that ulimately she wants it to all work out.

[PK66]

Well... Getting ready to go to my 10 minutes of therapy. I am somewhat dreading seeing the DW. I hate the lingering clousd of doom that follows around us these days. I also hate that she will go in and talk with the therapist we both see and I will probably never know what she says. She will leave there, go to her parents or a friends and I won't hear from her until tomorrow (she has soccer practice with our oldest daughter)

 

The limbo... the waiting... the not knowing what she's thinking or where she's at... that is really draining on me. I'll work out later and that will help for awhile. Gonna spend some time with my younger daughter decorating some more for Halloween and that will be enjoyable, but the thoughts just keep cycling and it just wears you out...

 

I do know that my happiness is my job, and I won't quit. The lonleliness factor is tough though...

[PK66]

The therapy went as well as it could. The therapist reiterated (sp?) that I was in support of the marriage and that My DW is stuck and needs to work HARD on figuring out if she is wanting to work on the marriage. My wife revealed through teary eyes that it is very hard to live away from her kids and family (meaning me i guess... or the security I provide at least.) The therapist asked if she felt the move to her parents was a good move and she responded that it did remove the pressure of trying to live with me on a daily basis, but felt like she'd traded that pressure for another in living with her parents (a small wakeup call about that ole' green grass being better?)

 

Had a great night with my girls!!! We baked a melty chocolate cake and just hung out telling and listening to stories about are days. They are what is keeping this whole thing held together right now. That love that both me and DW have for them and the family ideal. They are a gift that I will always thank my wife for, no matter what happens...

 

Feeling a little more secure in myself today. I just try to live each day since my wife moved to her parents as though I am already divorced. It keeps the focus on me and my girls, makes it easier to not think or worry about what my wife is doing or thinking, and is helping to prepare me for life on my own if indeed that is the path it follows.

 

Anybody else have any "methods" or ways of making it thru each day with it's ups and downs?? Any words of wisdom or suggestions of how to stay focused on the task at hand, yourself??

[PK66]

Been really trying to practice the NC type behavior. Contact with the DW has been strictly thru email (until she moved out she would text... not sure what that's about...) for the last 6 days except for the time over the weekend and at therapy. It has also been very businesslike... Today I got a phonecall from her. She starts off with "What's up? What are you doing?" not in a checking up way, but more of a casual conversation kinda way. She tells me how her day at work is going, wants to talk about the Dexter dvd I gave her to watch (we'd been catching up on the TV series from season one thru netflix. I'd finished season 3 and gave it to her to watch)...

 

Now I know better than to read a bunch in to this but... strange behavior from someone who had to move out almost a week ago because they couldn't handle the pressure of trying to live under the same roof and being estranged from me... I will let it go... encouraging, but really nothing in the grand scheme... It has only been a week... there is much more strangeness, ups and downs to come... I will just be glad it wasn't a doom and gloom encounter and leave it at that.

[PK66]

DW just left after taking oldest daughter to soccer practice... Over all a good meeting with her. She hung outside with me and talked about work, our girls, our relatives... just stuff. We joked a bit and smiled. Lot's of direct eye contact... She looked fantastic... (i kinda hate that. Makes it hard.)

 

I followed the ole' 180 to a T. Never asked any questions unless they were in response to what she said... didn't follow her around... made dinner for the kids instead etc... She wanted to know if I was doing anything this weekend. I knew she was both checking up on me and hinting she wanted the girls to come stay with her. I just told her I may do something but had no plans firmed up, I would let her know by Thursday and asked if she wanted to take the girls at all over the weekend. She sort of said yes, but didn't commit. She then mentioned that one of our neighbors was having a surprise birthday party we were invited to on Sat. I asked if she was thinking of going and she said "well, I just kind of figured that we should." Not sure if she was trying to invite me to do something with her or just be polite to a neighbor.

 

She finally changed her clothes and told me she was going to meet a couple of girl friends over at one of their houses to hang and drink some wine etc... I told her that sounded fun, enjoy. She said her goodbyes to our daughters then kinda hung around a little bit as though waiting for me to approach her with a hug goodbye. I didn't but said to take care, be safe and I'd talk to her later. I am somewhat second guessing not giving her a hug, but figured that it may be hard not to, yet it is what I need to do to maintain the 180.,

 

I do have to say that it's nights like tonight with easy interaction and smiles that make me really miss her... I take solice in that if I'm feeling that way hopefully she is too... How do you folks handle that kind of bittersweet encounters with your husbands/wives??? Anything you've found to make them easier to handle when they've left???

Edited October 6, 2010 by PK66

[You Go Girl]

Well don't feign ignorance, nor even stupidity. You know she was saying that you should go with her to this party. Now there's too many people out there who don't know how to ask directly, granted, and this is an issue in itself. However I think the best response would have been jokingly..."are you inviting me to go with you?" or if you really felt daring..."are you inviting me out on a date?"

Putting her on the spot just a tiny bit.

There's things to follow in the 180...and there's also the possibility of appearing to be an unfeeling uncaring schmuck. You don't want to do that. I KNOW that a lot of women would interpret some aspects of the 180 as uncaring. If they don't know the game you are playing, how are they to know the rules?

[PK66]

There's things to follow in the 180...and there's also the possibility of appearing to be an unfeeling uncaring schmuck. You don't want to do that. I KNOW that a lot of women would interpret some aspects of the 180 as uncaring. If they don't know the game you are playing, how are they to know the rules?

 

Thanks again for you input YGG... always nice to hear from a woman's perspective!!!

 

That is part of the problem... it's game play. It isn't coming from the heart, saying and doing what you REALLY want to... that is what is difficult because to a degree it is gameplay that got you in this mess to begin with. Not communicating, not being honest with each other is what you are trying to work away from and the 180 can't be an ends, just a means for getting to the ends which is self improvement and working together on a unified front to improve the relationship.

 

I agree that much of it seems uncaring and that it is a delicate balance to try and achieve sensitivity while maintaining independence. I think that at times the spouse that is threatening to leave takes the caring of the other for granted. That they can just shut down and threaten to walk away and their SO will do anything to get them back so they don't have to worry about being left behind and don't have to put in any effort themselves. They feel like they hold the cards and are in the drivers seat. If you can shake that up for them enough to get them on the track of thinking that they may also be in jeopardy of losing something, that they may not be the sole controller of what is happening, then perhaps they will be a little more likely to look at how important the relationship they're going to possibly lose is and realize that they have to do their part in keeping it intact...

[PK66]

Well... an update (not sure if anyone else even reads this thing, but it feels good sometimes to write it out anyway)... Yesterday I decided to go buy myself some new shirts and jeans... been working out and my clothes were getting real baggy ... Suddenly I get a txt from the DW... she wants to come back home today, am I ok with that? WHAT???? It has been one week to the day.... I wasn't sure what she was saying so I just responded "OK." She then txt's back " I can sleep in the spare bedroom." ... I told her it was a mess (kids use it as a play room) and I'd have the kids clean it up before she came... She said no, she'd do it... A few minutes later she texts back "I can stay here if it will be uncomfortable" and I responded "nope. It'll be fine."...

 

She showed up, said very little except can I have some of the leftover taco stuff and then that she just wanted to go upstairs and watch tv for awhile... no problem... went up in awhile to get something out of my (our) bedroom and she's in the bed with the tv on sleeping... I had figured she'd go to the spare because it has a tv, but she didn't... no big deal so I didn't say anything... Later she came downsairs for some water and said she was exausted and thirsty. I asked if she was up late and she just mumbled and left to go upstairs... (don't start with the affair stuff... yeah, yeah, i know... 'there's always another OM'... there isn't one...) later when i wanted to go to bed I went upstairs figuring she'd gone to the spare and there she was asleep in "our" bed again. It didn't bother me so I started getting ready to go to bed and she woke up, got real pissy and stomped into the spare bedroom which was a mess because she didn't clean it...

 

In the beginning I would have said I'd move back to the spare room... or I would have cleaned it for her... or I would have let her sleep and gone in there myself... Today I looked at it as she's the one with the issue about sleeping with me... let her be the one to go out of her way to avoid it... I just wanted to go to sleep in the bed I'd been sleeping in, that's all...

 

In the morning she came in the room real quiet, took a shower and got dressed and went to work trying to not wake me up... I thought about her behavior the day before... She never told me why she came back, but I suspect she was feeling tension with her parents and she missed our daughters. I also think she was surprised and annoyed that I didn't play the lapdog role she's been expecting from me since the "separation"... I was curious to see how she was going to be later in the day when we contacted each other...

 

Mid day I got an email asking if I was going out on fri... I had talked about going to see a friends band play. I told her I hadn't decided yet. I asked if she wanted to go out for after work happyhour (she goes with a fw work friends for a couple of hours on Fridays occasionally) and she said it depended on whether I was going out... told her i wouldn't go till later anyway so go ahead...

 

An hour later she emailed me about new years (there is a place that a bunch of the neighborhood goes to for the evening, kid friendly that we've gone to for the last several years) and wanted to know if I wanted to go this year. I didn't want to be the one who decided, I wanted her input of what she wanted to do (she has an issue with asserting her wants to anyone sometimes) so I replied "well, could be fun, what do you think?" True to form she replies back "Not sure, they need to know by the 15th."... Obviously she doesn't want to commit that we will be together on New Years right? Or am I just reading in to her being wishy washy??? Still haven't responded to her about it.

 

Later I thought about it and decided that I wasn't really up for going out drinking etc. at a loud club on Friday, but I'd like to get out and do something with my daughters instead... Texted DW and told her what my plan was and that she could go out or was welcome to come along if she wanted. Her choice either way... She said she'd slept terrible and her back hurt so she'd decide tomorrow and may just come home to sleep and be alone... A doom and gloom answer, but at least an answer, sort of..

 

She came home from work, seemed in a pleasant mood and hung out joking around with me and the girls for awhile before leaving for her 2nd job (one night a week class she teaches with another girl)

 

It's funny, but I am really starting to realize how much she is stuck in the negative, I don't know, world of darkness and just can't seem to enjoy anything... What I am doing now though that's different is not feeding into it like before... Offer her choices, make my own without making her feel obligated to follow mine, and just keep an even temperment and attitude with her and life. Not sure if this is the right way to handle things, but I'm not sure what better way I could right now...

Edited October 8, 2010 by PK66

[You Go Girl]

Well !

You definitely did the right thing by not sleeping in the spare room. She got a little pissy? Let her. She has no right to throw some tantrum. You handled that perfectly. You never agreed to sleep in the spare room, yet it sounds like she expected you to! NOT gonna happen, right?

 

Now I'm wondering if she suffers from not only depression, but being pampered by you? Or assuming you will ask how high when she says jump?