scienceguy Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 Hi, Two of my close friends are getting divorced after being married for five years (dated for three). They were pretty young when they got married. Anyways, their split is very much a joint and amicable one, but they are definitely hurting. Anyways, I was wondering if the folks on this board could give me some advice on how to be a supportive friend to both of them. I have been through some tough long term relationships that ended badly. I've also helped some of my friends through rough spots in their relationships, but I haven't been in this situation before. What makes a divorce so much tougher? What can I do to help them? Are there things I should or should not say? Please let me know. They've always been great and supportive, and I'd like to be there for them. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Cee Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 I think maintaining good boundaries is a great start. Be there for each person, but don't divulge confidences about the other person. I am constantly amazed how some people will brazenly say, "I saw your ex today. Guess what he did?" I am friends with a couple who split. I never mention the ex to the other person even if I saw them or heard "juicy" gossip. I pretend the ex doesn't exist when I'm with the person. If they want to talk about the relationship, I listen but don't gossip.
D-Lish Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 Sorry to tell you, at one point, you'll have to pick a side, it's inevitable.
carhill Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 My friends helped by inviting me over for dinner and involving me in projects. Some who are also business colleagues employed more flexibility in business dealings to accommodate the realities of divorce and my mom's final weeks. Become a good listener. Employ a sensitive sense of humor. Sometimes a good laugh is effective medicine. I value the friends who strive for balance, respecting both myself and my ex, for their relationships with her were not mine, and I don't expect them to automatically 'side' with me, rather see the positive in both of us. If it is your style, do tell your friends you love them. Give advice if asked and you feel you have experience to share. Refrain from any actions and/or words which might result in triangulation or acting as a go-between. Remain neutral. Set your own boundaries. Change the subject if they sound like a broken record. Your friendship is valuable and they should be reminded of that. Yes, they have need now but it isn't completely one-sided. Moderate their drinking
The-Zen-Warrior Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 Sorry to tell you, at one point, you'll have to pick a side, it's inevitable. Sorry to just butt in here, but scienceguy, in my own opinion you should disregard the above quote! Carhill and Cee pretty much summed all this up for you. Personally I am friends with two divorced couples, I was able to maintain my friendships with all participants by just being there for them, during their most darkest hours, and being there for them during times of happiness and success. I personally feel that "anonymity" is the key to helping your friends out. You can be there for both the "soon to be ex-wife" and the "soon to be ex-husband"! You can be there as long as you keep the affairs of the other person anonymous! When your around the "soon to be ex-wife", just be there for her. Keep all conversations about her, while with her. And the same thing would be true while your hanging out with the "soon to be ex-husband", just talk to him, only about him! You sound like a pretty nice guy, it sounds like you want to be there for these people, which is very noble. But just be clear going into this, that you must maintain stick boundaries between the two worlds. Also note, do not get yourself into something here, that no one has yet mentioned, do not fall into the trap of being these peoples "go betweens"! These two people will more than likely know that you are still friends with their "soon to be ex's", in-line with I pretty spelled out, don't converse about the other while with the other! Don't subscribe to any requests that one may want to know about how the other it doing. Don't get yourself caught up in being some sort of messaging service between the two parties. If one asks you to give the other a note, card, gift, whatever.....do not do it! Respectfully tell that person they need to find and make other arrangements to get the item to the other. You asked a pretty good question here...... "What makes a divorce so much tougher?" Well, it may be the fact that once upon a time, two people "officially" gave their lives to the other. Unlike a simple boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, where there are rarely and legal strings to deal with in the after math. During a divorce, there could be hundreds of strings to deal with. Unlike a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, a divorce is a legal contract, the vow's if you will, that each makes with the other. A divorce has a marriage license, another part of the legal contract. Division of property, division of individual and collective assets. The headache of dividing the money, closing out bank account, booting the other party off of credit cards, checking account, alimony, child support issues, attorney's and the attorney's fees, court dates, court room appearances, court paperwork, court paperwork processing fees, court fees (if any) ect. ect. ect. Lots of things go into a divorce, a lot of legal matters, child custody issues, division of the households pet's (animals)......stuff like that. In a simple boyfriend/girlfriend relationship most of the time a simple "I'm breaking up with you" is all it takes for both parties to go their own ways, and start new lives for themselves. Hope this helps you......Good luck!
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