Why do we Cling to Hope for so Long?

[Ajax]

So after some deep thinking and soul searching, I decided not to delude myself on how I'm doing anymore. Despite what I want to tell myself and no evidence to support it, I still cling to the hope that my ex will realize she lost a good thing and come back to me.

 

For those not familiar with my situation, six weeks ago my ex left because she was depressed and needed to figure herself out. She also told me to move on, and we haven't talked in a month.

 

But heck guys, I love the girl! And we were good together, at least I thought so.

 

In my mind I see that there is no evidence to think she'll ever come back. In fact logically, I figure that she must have become confident enough that she could find someone else who can make her happier, that she could risk losing me. Now that was a painful realization.

 

But I'm not the only person posting on LS that can't seem to let go of hope despite the facts. So guys, why can't we let go of it? For those of you who have, how long did it take to happen? Any advice besides the conventional wisdom for those of us still pining?

[Billie The Puppet]

Seems like I always mirror your posts:

 

Hope is something we manufacture, it's easy to keep on hoping it's even harder letting go. Are you happy when thinking about hope ? Does it put a smile on your face ? Just now while typing this reply I am thinking about my ex coming back and it is putting a smile on my face yet my brain knows she is not coming back. It's the brief happy moment that get's us through sometimes. I can see my ex finding another I really can. Perhaps it's because I can't see myself finding another that I resort to the hope. Honestly I have been on dates and they just do not seem to work out what so ever. I am not even comparing them to my ex and taking them slow but something is just not there.

 

I also manufacture hope by checking her social network statuses and pictures (I know this is technically breaking NC) I still see Single and Photos that represent us as a couple. I know one day I'll see those change and I may be devastated but I also know we both have every right to move on I am not bitter like that I may be slightly jealous when it happens but if it does so be it. Thing is that scenario we could still manufacture hope like maybe it won't work out and she will realize what she missed.

 

I think it will be a lengthy time for myself to be honest.

[pandagirl]

I think I've given up on hope. Sometimes hope is good, but not for wanting your ex back.

 

To me, I think I understand that if my ex and I get back together again in the future, it will happen or it will not. People do get back together, but my mindset has no baring on the result. So the best thing for me to do, is just to let go and move on.

 

This is a silly thing to mention, but I just watched the Jennifer Lopez "Behind the Music" show. haha! Anyway, she met and dated her now husband Marc Anthony many, many years ago. In between that time and now, she was married and divorced, dated Puff Daddy, and was engaged to Ben Affleck. YEARS later, she reconnected with Marc Anthony and married him.

 

So, I guess what I'm saying is, don't torture yourself with "hope." Life will run it's course the way it's meant to be. Getting your ex back has nothing to do with hope.

[skydiveaddict]

But I'm not the only person posting on LS that can't seem to let go of hope despite the facts. So guys, why can't we let go of it?

 

 

If you ever find out will you let me know?

[Fouts]

Getting dumped is an epiphany for some. You'll find alot of the time the person who got dumped was actually more unhappy in the relationship than the dumper, but didn't have the strength to be the one to end it.

 

It's strange, but when that plug gets pulled they lose it, even if deep down they knew it needed to get pulled. It's mostly an ego thing, being pushed away/rejected.

 

It's just one of the odd things of the human psyche. Try not to analyze it too much, just do your best to move on. Most of the time you find someone you're much, much happier with shortly thereafter. Honestly I can think of a couple of times I get broken up with and crushed, and both times I was with someone much better just down the road.

 

Think of the positives. Meeting new people who WANT to be with you is fun.

[EricaH329]

Why do we cling to hope for so long? What it all really ends up coming down to is...

 

Pain.

 

It sucks. No one wants it. I'm sure that a lot of us on here can say that emotional pain is worse than physical pain any day.

 

So what happens when the emotional side of us starts drowning in pain?? We look for the quickest way out. Just a quick gasp of air.

 

For some, it's drinking alcohol or doing drugs. It takes them away from the pain, even if it's momentarily. For others, it's hoping, wishing, praying. Some people throw themselves into crazy excersize routines, and others sleep around.

 

No matter what your choice of escape is, it's all momentary. And it's a vicious cycle that'll only lead us back to the same inevitable thing we were running away from to begin with.

 

Pain.

 

So why do we cling onto it for so long?? Because we know that the moment we let go, the pain will come flooding back. And that's what we were trying to avoid in the first place, right?

[Ajax]

Getting dumped is an epiphany for some. You'll find alot of the time the person who got dumped was actually more unhappy in the relationship than the dumper, but didn't have the strength to be the one to end it.

 

It's strange, but when that plug gets pulled they lose it, even if deep down they knew it needed to get pulled. It's mostly an ego thing, being pushed away/rejected.

 

 

Maybe for some dumpees they knew it needed to end, but I had never been happier in my life than I was right up to the breakup.

 

I'll admit though that it could be an ego thing for me. I put a lot into the relationship and tried to keep it from getting routine. I really romanced the girl, and I enjoyed it. The relationship didn't feel like work to me, and it seemed that she was just as invested as I was. So seeing as apparently even putting my best into it wasn't enough to make her happy, maybe my ego is bruised. Maybe bruised isn't the right word... eviscerated?

[flow15]

I cling onto hope because my ex had ended it twice before and always came back, so I can see him coming back again. Also I don't think it is ever impossible to get back together with someone, but obviously the other person has to want to get back with you. So as we know its not completely impossible, so we cling on to hope... and also because it makes us feel better than if we saw no chance in the future.

[pandagirl]

Getting dumped is an epiphany for some. You'll find alot of the time the person who got dumped was actually more unhappy in the relationship than the dumper, but didn't have the strength to be the one to end it.

 

It's strange, but when that plug gets pulled they lose it, even if deep down they knew it needed to get pulled. It's mostly an ego thing, being pushed away/rejected.

 

It's just one of the odd things of the human psyche. Try not to analyze it too much, just do your best to move on. Most of the time you find someone you're much, much happier with shortly thereafter. Honestly I can think of a couple of times I get broken up with and crushed, and both times I was with someone much better just down the road.

 

Think of the positives. Meeting new people who WANT to be with you is fun.

 

I think this describes my situation. I was even thinking of breaking it off, but wanted to wait until our next visit to see if we could work things out (we were long distance).

 

We both were really hurting and sad over the breakup. We weren't getting along due to some major life stressers in both of our lives and it got to the point of no return. I know we didn't work out, but I also know that he really cared about and loved me. However, I don't think it's an ego thing on my part. Just sad that it didn't work out, and that I really miss him.

 

But, I digress, hope IS hard to give up. I think the overriding sadness I'm feeling about my breakup, is because I have give up hope.

 

However like I said, second chances are given regardless of hope. It just happens if it happens.

[Chadd]

I keep hoping for my ex to come back. I know she still has feelings for me but I just dont understand why she just wont come back. Im trying to move on, but part of me always thinks about her. I guess if we are ment together it will happen when it happens. =/ But I think if you truly love someone and have lost them, one will always have some kind of hope of getting he or her back. Just my opinion.

[Trovador]

I am not totally over my ex but I am doing fine, better than what I expected myself...

 

Sometimes I think that if we hadn't broken up I probably would be bored with the relationship and would be looking for a way out, because that's how I feel now... after a couple of months since the split...

 

Many things helped me (and still help) like making it happen, I mean actually doing (or stop doing) something that would put me out of risk, risk of stalking her, calling her, running "casually" into her, talking or laughing louder so she could hear me and so on...

 

She started to lose her power over me, apparently... Before, I stayed late at my work place because I didn't want to miss a possible call of hers... Now, if I stay late is because I want to... he he it's funny how fast I did my business in the bathroom just because she might call me...

 

When I changed those and other nocive attitudes I decided hope was a luxury I didn't want...

[GoingInsane]

Getting dumped is an epiphany for some. You'll find alot of the time the person who got dumped was actually more unhappy in the relationship than the dumper, but didn't have the strength to be the one to end it.

 

It's strange, but when that plug gets pulled they lose it, even if deep down they knew it needed to get pulled. It's mostly an ego thing, being pushed away/rejected.

 

It's just one of the odd things of the human psyche. Try not to analyze it too much, just do your best to move on. Most of the time you find someone you're much, much happier with shortly thereafter. Honestly I can think of a couple of times I get broken up with and crushed, and both times I was with someone much better just down the road.

 

Think of the positives. Meeting new people who WANT to be with you is fun.

This is a great post, thank you. Its exactly what I've been feeling. I was the person dumped, I was equally unhappy in the relationship, she was even more into the relationship all the way through than me. But I feel totally crushed. I'm trying to move on and have been doing well. I've looked at my life and identified changes I need to make. I've been feeling positive.

 

Then yesterday we met up for the first time in 3 weeks and I'm in turmoil again. When I really look at what it is, I think its the fact that she doesn't love me the way she did any more and it hurts. I hate that I can't make her love me that way anymore rather than desperately missing her I think. And that's very tricky to get your head round.

[br0ken_w0lf]

Interesting question and one which is relevant to me at the moment. It's been a little over 3 years since my ex-wife left (yes, for someone else) and while we hadn't been in contact much during that time (mostly to finalize the divorce), I recently got in contact with her again. While I'm still working on myself and she's going through a painful process of her own right now, it made me realize that I still have feelings for her. I can't blame the glimmer of hope on my pain because there no longer is pain. I've dated people but I think I ultimately come back to thinking about her because a) I believe what we had was special, we just lost it momentarily and b) I don't believe that I will find someone with the same qualities that will make me as happy as I was.

 

I do often wonder why some people move on quicker than others and are able to get into good relationships so quickly (and for real, not just going through the motions) and why others can take far longer, if ever. I also wonder how often it comes down to the "fork in the road" thing, where if one decision were made differently, two people might get back together. Obviously, sometimes it just isn't meant to be, shouldn't be, and that's that and other times, maybe it is, but something else happens that prevents it? Don't know...

[Ajax]

Then yesterday we met up for the first time in 3 weeks and I'm in turmoil again. When I really look at what it is, I think its the fact that she doesn't love me the way she did any more and it hurts. I hate that I can't make her love me that way anymore rather than desperately missing her I think. And that's very tricky to get your head round.

 

 

Which poses another question: All things being equal, why do some people seem to just spontaneously fall out of love?

 

There are so many disfunctional and at times abusive relationships that people stay in because they "love" each other.

 

Then there are those in which both partners treat each other with love and respect, put in the time and work, and then one or the other falls out of love seemingly out of the blue.

 

What is behind this phenomena? Isn't it possible that in many of these cases the passion could be reignited if given some time, or are we too preoccupied with instant gratification to stick it out?

[Billie The Puppet]

Which poses another question: All things being equal, why do some people seem to just spontaneously fall out of love?

 

There are so many disfunctional and at times abusive relationships that people stay in because they "love" each other.

 

Then there are those in which both partners treat each other with love and respect, put in the time and work, and then one or the other falls out of love seemingly out of the blue.

 

What is behind this phenomena? Isn't it possible that in many of these cases the passion could be reignited if given some time, or are we too preoccupied with instant gratification to stick it out?

 

If I go by the ebook I read it makes me believe 100% why my ex fell out of love with me and it seems to make perfect sense because it is exactly what happened in my relationship.

 

I became more and more needy/insecure IE I become her role in the relationship. Me thinking back on it it is 100 % true could there be other factors possibly but to me it seems right. This sucks big time because it is fixable if I am given the chance however because of where we left off she no longer sees me how I was in the beginning of the relationship when she was practically begging me to marry her. What sucks is I know what she is like in a relationship and if she does indeed move on the next one may bite on her begging to marry him. At this point that would devastate me because I haven't reached indifference completely though I have my days where I feel completely indifferent. It's weird I flip flop like during the week I am mostly fine until thur, fri sat sun.

 

This is she has given mixed signals at the beginning one of them was too keep my clothes at her place and not return the key I eventually picked this stuff up because I told her if this is a break up and not a break I would like my stuff and I would give her back her key. Her response was not when I am home I am not ready to see you yet. So I had to do it when her sister was home. Both times I went no one was home so I couldn't give the key back then the day I go to give my ex the key I ring the doorbell and leave the key in a bag along with some of her stuff. She texts me saying I could have stopped by inside. When a few days ago she wasn't ready to see me. I had to go anyways because I had a flight to catch. Then we talked a dew times afterwards and it seemed like she wanted to reconcile until I brought it up then it was no this is a break up. However she never wanted to get off the phone with me just repeating herself time and time again. I found LS a month ago and have been NC since.

[Ajax]

 

I became more and more needy/insecure IE I become her role in the relationship. Me thinking back on it it is 100 % true could there be other factors possibly but to me it seems right.

 

 

I can see how that could be possible in some relationships, but I know a lot of women who are with guys who aren't the traditional macho guy, who express feelings, and aren't always behaving ad a stereotypical male, and are happy in their relationships. And I don't think gender role reversal is always the cause of the spark dying.

 

I'm curious as to why in an otherwise perfect relationship, someone just detatches. It seems that it happens to both men and women equally, so what is this elusive threat to the relationship?

[Billie The Puppet]

I can see how that could be possible in some relationships, but I know a lot of women who are with guys who aren't the traditional macho guy, who express feelings, and aren't always behaving ad a stereotypical male, and are happy in their relationships. And I don't think gender role reversal is always the cause of the spark dying.

 

I'm curious as to why in an otherwise perfect relationship, someone just detatches. It seems that it happens to both men and women equally, so what is this elusive threat to the relationship?

 

Perfect relationship may suddenly end because one feels they have reach the summit IE there is no room to grow the only direction is downhill. Or they feel that their partner is too good for them. (I hate this excuse I love you and am in love with you but I feel you could do better, um I don't want to do better)

 

My ex used the latter and it sucks she felt like I was just settling for her but isn't that what marriage is? Settling with the "one". I don't mean settling cause oh I can't get anyone else I mean settling because I enjoy sharing my life with this person.

[Banega100]

really good thread mate. I think hope is a bitch. There's a line in a song 'Save your wishes, because they can't help you' i might make it my signature now that i think about it.

 

I cant shake this hope, in my mind we are both 3 months ago and all i can picture is her unwavering love for me. However, i see most days and do not get so much as a glance. I guess time is crucial.

[Ajax]

Perfect relationship may suddenly end because one feels they have reach the summit IE there is no room to grow the only direction is downhill. Or they feel that their partner is too good for them. (I hate this excuse I love you and am in love with you but I feel you could do better' date=' um I don't want to do better)[/b']

 

My ex used the latter and it sucks she felt like I was just settling for her but isn't that what marriage is? Settling with the "one". I don't mean settling cause oh I can't get anyone else I mean settling because I enjoy sharing my life with this person.

 

Yeah my ex threw that line out at me during the breakup. Funny thing is that even during the emotional stress I was under I still knew that that excuse didn't even dignify a response, and I let that one go. It really is a BS excuse, and somewhat arrogant too. Who are they to tell us "what we deserve?" It just doesn't fly.

 

I cant shake this hope, in my mind we are both 3 months ago and all i can picture is her unwavering love for me. However, i see most days and do not get so much as a glance. I guess time is crucial.

 

I know what you mean. Even looking back on it I can't see any red flags or signifigant cracks in the relationship that couldn't have been mended by her just talking to me about them. Right up to the end of our relationship she was loving and talking about our future together. I guess part of the reason I'm having such trouble giving up hope is that I can't reconcile her pre-breakup behavior with what she eventually did. I guess that's my own weakness.

 

I've been talking to a therapist who said that it's hard to move forward when you can't picture what the future is going to look like. He said that to move forward you have to "fantasize" about possibilities. Unfortunately, I'm still fantasizing about my ex coming back.

 

So I'm still curious about why people seem to spontaneously fall out of love. People leave great people all the time because they just "don't feel it" anymore. Sometimes they jump into relationships with people who are far worse for them than their ex. Is this just human nature to forsake the safe and seek the danger?

Edited October 4, 2010 by Ajax

[Billie The Puppet]

I wish people didn't fall out of live so easily myself.

 

I still hold onto hope too, I like you Ajax was discussing the future with my ex before she split.

 

I don't get why we would discuss the future one week and the next that future is gone. Especially when she brought it up.

 

However the break up has done good for me.

I'm down to 166 lbs from 205 I lost the first 35 in 30 days but recently plateaud and manage to fluctuate between 165 and 170 in the following 30.

 

Only 16 lbs away from my ideal weight.

 

Bought a vehicle and now driving etc.

 

It's pushing me to better my self but I hold onto hope that she will recognize this.

 

Heck her wearing my key to my heart necklace I gave her still gives me hope but I can't mention I know of this because of NC and even though I'll be hanging out with her sister again I can't mention it to her either.

[Von]

Man I really wish I had enough time to post all my thoughts and advice on LS, but I don't.

 

Anyways, to help you guys out, one... if someone EVER tells you "you're too good for me" they are lieing. Even if they don't mean to. This is one of the universally know "breakup lines" a dumper gives. Do not for one second believe it! It is an easy way of letting you down and at the same time making themselves feel better about it. It's real translation: "I can do better than you".

Seriously.

 

A thing about hope: it only lasts so long before it simply fades away. And it is a completely natural emotion of the dumpee. Most if not all dumpees will feel this, I did too.

At the same time the dumper feels guilt, and relief. I know I also felt those after the 2 girls after my ex that I dumped. I felt really guilty about breaking up with them, but I knew it was the best for me longterm.

 

As an example time frame, the hope and other negative feelings I had about the breakup went away after about 4 months. (she strung me along for 2 of those months). Like someone mentioned, I had also had an epiphany and totally changed my life around. My transformation completed by about 6 months post breakup. In that time I worked on myself REAL hard. And just workin and readin on here and absorbing all this knowledge... Mixed with going out alot with my friends and such I just got over her. And then I got some other material that gave me deep insight on my manhood and that just churned me into the path I'm on now. Man I used to be a total wuss sometimes... But know I'm a leader and manly and I'm taking charge of my personal life. My ex is now a distant laughable memory. We ended 1 year ago.

 

She also dumped me because of my insecure, needy, untrusting, wussy behavior. I had turned into "the girl" in the relationship. I get I good laugh now because I can't believe I was like that. But it's a pretty common reason why guys get dumped, although most don't understand that that's why. Most dudes blame it on other things, when it's usually their own dumbass actions that caused it. I'm just sayin this from experience.

 

Trust me guys... There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Your gunna come out of this ok, probably even better. Really take this time to better yourself and create the person you really want to be. Cuz when your done, you can be picky and selective and date whoever you want, with girls hitting on you all the time and allowing yourself to be in control of your dating life. Learn boundaries. Learn confidence and self control. Learn to put yourself first.

 

I did it, and it's amazing.

[9Lives]

I HOPED for a year and tried and tried. I keep hoping cause I loved him so much and I thought he was perfect for me.

 

I LEARNED it is better to move on that to keep hoping. that hoping keeps you tied to the past and even if u was going to get back, somethings need to die down like trust. yes trust! if someone leaves you once in pain, truth is, they can do it again. I just think moving on is better. all that hoping keeps you so down. that's when healing begins and the worrying stops. its a better place for you.