luxx Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 My partner and I broke up in April... and we officially reconciled in August. I posted a brief history of what happen. I found out he had been talking to a "new friend" the last month and when I called him on it... instead of admitting to things, he decided to tell me that he loved me but it wasn't the same love that equated a forever type of thing (marriage, etc). I suppose that has something to do with him getting his emotional needs fufilled by this other woman. It perplexes me that he's never met her but has chosen to jump into something with her right away. Our relationship didn't begin long distance but had been that way for the last eight months. He's doing everything he did with her that he did with me, so it screams rebound still... he broke up with me once everything was out in the open. Wished me luck in my future and that was that. After the drama of THAT was over, lasted about a month, I sent him a email letting him know I supported his decision and if he didn't feel I was the one for him... he should just follow his heart. We both are 29/33 btw. Anyways their thing lasted two months and all the while he kept contacting me. I wasn't very responsive, in fact I was downright in a rage but he seemed to listen and hear me and didn't contact me until he had ended things with her. He missed me. I said we could see if friendship was an option but really wasn't sure but eventually we did manage a friendship and eventually he asked if he could have a second chance and wants to go to relationship therapy to help us figure things out and communicate better. I'm okay with that, think it's a great idea, however... I've been having some doubt lately and he really hasn't helped spur that. In fact, I am wondering if I should run (though perhaps I should see the therapist first to see what they have to offer). Here's the deal - and please let me know your opinions as I do value them. He wants to take things slow again. At a snail pace actually it seems. I don't mind taking it slow but there's got to be a limit as we took it slow for the first two years we dated. I feel like I'm in limbo and that the relationship is on his terms. There doesn't feel like any progress. I know that reconciliation takes awhile, things aren't just magically going to happen but... it seems he did all the work to get me back and as soon as he had me, he got lazy again. He wants to be sure of things, etc. and he's the one who ruined our relationship in the first place by talking with the other woman and his lack of motivation to move the relationship forward. He is comfortable where it is. He talks about the future but hasn't yet made any steps towards it. Now we broke up in April after 2 years and got back together in August. It's only been two months. I feel as if we can't start the relationship off at square one again because all we shared but it feels as if that's what he wants more or less. He has a problem taking responsibility for his actions. In fact, he doesn't believe that he's cheated on me. He says we were on a break. Then he changes it when I point out that we had spoken about that in February but continued to date one another and he was the one who said that we should not see nor talk to anyone else and when I asked where we were, he said together (doesn't remember this conversation). He changes it to well they were just friends and nothing happened until after we broke up. I broke up with him because I felt threatened and told him about it and he refused to end his friendship with her. Two weeks after we broke up, they met/hung out with one another and began to date. I feel he had begun a emotional affair (which I pointed out to him while it was going on) and he doesn't agree. I'm not trying to punish him for it, I am talking to him and have more of less accepted that it happened however, it bothers me that he won't cop up and admit that that had a part to do in why we broke up. I'd have never broken up with him if he wasn't talking to her. We were having issues because he was having commitment issues. And that's the last thing... commitment issues. I feel by his wanting to take it slow again, at his pace, not our pace, I feel that the issues that popped up then are popping up now. That was the number one reason our foundation because to rattle, he was unsure. Now I understand that. I don't excuse his lies and behavior however I get it that some people aren't as ready to jump into a committed thing as much as others. So when we were getting back together I laid my wants and needs down on the table for him and asked if he wanted to get on board with what I needed (before it had been I feel mostly about him). He said yes. But... I think he's forgotten or something because we're right back where we started. A therapist will help us learn how to talk with one another and can help us see if this is really something worth pursuing. But man as I see him now in a different light, I'm wondering if it will always be like this with him. I don't know if I see him progressing to the next step. It'll be three years soon, minute the four months we were not a couple. And I'm beginning to think that maybe it's time to cut my losses. If he's unwilling to work with me and compromise then why am I wasting my time? Views, opinions, advice? (btw therapist set for a month from now)
Billie The Puppet Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Personally I think if a couple splits and gets back together that there shouldn't be any commitment issues because why else get back together? I mean you tried a relationship once and now returning to it seems like you would want to settle. Ie whats the point in returning to a relationship if you don't think or want it to work out. See I am also bitter though because I also had a "break" in which I discussed engagement with my now ex and she said she would still say yes, while we were still on break. (Major mixed signal to me) We ended up back together and looking at rings and then BAM broken up a month later. So now I am pining for a 3rd chance why I keep doing this to myself I will never fully know all I know is the amount of love I have for my ex is more than she has ever had for me and that's why we have ended. We also jumped right back in after the break as everything was fine and nothing ever happened without discussing what caused the break. Now do you cut your loses? If yours and his values are not the same I certainly say so. Do you want marriage and kids? Does he want the same? etc Talk things out have communication especially when things don't feel right.
Ajax Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Personally I think if a couple splits and gets back together that there shouldn't be any commitment issues because why else get back together? I mean you tried a relationship once and now returning to it seems like you would want to settle. Ie whats the point in returning to a relationship if you don't think or want it to work out. I completely agree with this. If my ex agreed to try again but wanted to take it slow, or not tell anyone we were back together, I'd be out of there. I wouldn't be able to trust that she was serious about making it work. luxx: Therapy might be beneficial, but a lot can happen in a month. And from what you've said, it sounds like he will be doing this as long as you're together. My guess is that he's taking you for a ride and will eventually leave you again, or abuse the relationship until you can't take any more. With him refusing to take responsibility for cheating on you, it sounds like he's gaslighting. Just my thoughts.
Author luxx Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 He defn wants kids (though I want them sooner rather than later) and marriage - he invited me and my parents to his parents place for Christmas - so that's a positive though a lot can happen in three months. It's the time line that's the issue. We're almost going on three years (minus the breakup). I don't want to go another three without some form of a commitment, moving in together, a ring or even marriage! But alas what you said is the problem because I agree with you too t Personally I think if a couple splits and gets back together that there shouldn't be any commitment issues because why else get back together? I mean you tried a relationship once and now returning to it seems like you would want to settle. Ie whats the point in returning to a relationship if you don't think or want it to work out. I'm trying to wrap my head around it. He's not really said straight forward he's having commitment issues, but wanting to take it slow again, not displaying in on fb (as silly as that sounds, we had a argument! I didn't even want to argue - about it. It shows I'm in a relationship with him on his info page but I wanted him to show it on the front page as well and I get smacked in the face with a 'you just want more and more and more, there is no satisfying you!'. um okay? btw are we fighting?) All of his actions seem to be the exact same from a year ago which is what started our conflict (his hesitance on moving forward). One of his friends told me they think he likes me, loves me, enjoys my company but they weren't sure if he was in love with me. They couldn't figure out the hesitance about moving on either. Either you want to or you don't. And if he didn't want to... why bother? I was ok with where we were before we decided to get back together. We also jumped right back in after the break as everything was fine and nothing ever happened without discussing what caused the break. Talk things out have communication especially when things don't feel right. I tried to, I often do, but it started a argument and now we're taking a couple days. I'm okay with this, my work was suffering from it all and I couldn't concentrate and I've an important deadline. I have tried to discuss what caused the break. As far as I saw it, it was his fears of commitment and his uncertainty of wanting to go in it with me for the long run. I was asking to take it a step further and he freaked. I believe that he further sabotaged things by bringing the other woman into it. It started as a molehill and ended as a mountain. You can talk about commitment issues but when there's another person, whoa. In our last conversation I told him we didn't talk enough about the issues and he thinks we talk a lot. We do. We talk more than the average person - at the moment we're long distance - but we talk every single day, sometimes for 8 hours straight. We text. We email. We video chat. We sent packages. But we don't get into the deeper issues we really do need to talk about often. And when I bring them up, or questions, I'm met with silence, which means he doesn't want to talk about it. I'm not one to leave it so I admit I will push the subject sometimes. (the subject being, when are we going to live in the same city? let's talk about our finances? future? family? and sometimes the deepest stuff) As for your situation... That sucks. I WISH someone would take me ring shopping. Man I have a rule of 2-3 strikes you're out. I wonder if she would be willing to go to couples therapy with you so that you guys can figure out what you might want to do.
Author luxx Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 @Ajax I completely agree with this. If my ex agreed to try again but wanted to take it slow, or not tell anyone we were back together, I'd be out of there. I wouldn't be able to trust that she was serious about making it work. Yeah it's making it quite hard for me to want to stay. Love him, but don't need him. And about the not telling anyone, it's weird... it's kind of a half a** way. I'm on his page but you'd not be able to really know we were together unless you did a little bit of investigating by going to the tab. Why is it such a big deal for him to put it on the front of his page? I figure he's trying to get back with me, said it even, but not putting effort in it. I know it's only fb. But... that's where he met the other gal in the first place so of course I'm a bit insecure about that. (Don't worry, the first inkling I get that something's not right, I'm out of there. I won't waste my time asking who someone is I'll just go.) My guess is that he's taking you for a ride and will eventually leave you again, or abuse the relationship until you can't take any more. With him refusing to take responsibility for cheating on you, it sounds like he's gaslighting. Just my thoughts. Yeah.. seems/feels like he has. And I have used that term before, gaslighting. I wonder if sometimes people views on the past events can get skewed? You don't think you did but you actually did it but then you convince yourself (to save off guilt) that it wasn't wrong? So therapy... I'm not sure we'll make it til then but I am willing to give it a try. If anything we can both come out of it with some perspective. It's funny, I don't hate him or dislike him, just irritated with what happen and over what's going on now. Well as I was saying earlier we're taking a few days of silence, he may come back and tell me he's no longer wanting a relationship with me! lol. I'm sitting here trying to figure things out and he may beat me to the punch. I'd be sad if he did, but not devastated. You can't force someone to learn how to communicate more openly and commit, you can just hope they're at that level. I will keep you updated.
Fluffsticle Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Honey... Looked up your posts since you replied to mine. Think about your feelings deep inside. What are your fears. Why do you think this won't work out? Can the reason for it not working out be fixed, and changed realistically? My heart is with you... Think hard, and admit your gut feeling and see what that tells you... Sometimes... the excuses for not being able to put effort in, or for not being able to commit. These reasons often don't matter. It simply is, worth all that regardless of issues or excuses, or it is not... Come to a decision that you are happy with. I came to a decision that I am happy to let it go now. I am sad losing someone after 7 brilliant years of fun and happy times. But in the long run, my ex will not make me happy. He cannot be what I want him to be, stable, reliable, and loving forever. I know there is someone else that will be that person for me, because he just wants to be! Good luck :-)
Author luxx Posted October 18, 2010 Author Posted October 18, 2010 I came to a decision that I am happy to let it go now. I am sad losing someone after 7 brilliant years of fun and happy times. But in the long run, my ex will not make me happy. He cannot be what I want him to be, stable, reliable, and loving forever. I know there is someone else that will be that person for me, because he just wants to be! I think my decision will also be to let mine go. I feel we're in the same place we were a year ago.
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