That_girl Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 I've been dating this guy for about 2 months now and I'm really unsure about him. I've been confused because I don't know if this is my gut talking to me, or my recent break-up this past year reaping it's dreaded effects. In other words, I'm worried that I might be so jaded from the past that I am looking for things to be upset or suspicious about. So the new guy has moved really quickly with me (wanted to be my boyfriend after about 2 weeks). He has also been displaying what I perceive as "red flags" for controlling behaviour. Stuff like getting jealous/ asking questions about platonic male friends of mine, asking me to have sex without a condom when we've already had a pregnancy scare, and suggesting that we move in together. I really like the guy, but I know that this stuff is pretty serious and usually gets a lot worse. Am I over-reacting? A lot of it sounds worse to me as I type it out than when it actually happens. But I'm not trying to make excuses for him. I just don't understand why I feel like this.
Author That_girl Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 I should also add that he gets a little upset when I say that I don't want to have sex without a condom. He'll say things like "Well you can't get pregnant now anyway can you?" or "Ugh...it just doesn't feel good with one on". Like I have to justify my reasons for wanting to use one.........wow, I can totally tell that is kind of f*cked up by reading my own post.
SecretSquirrel Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 I don't know if ******* is the right word, but clingy certain is. He sounds crazy.
redmelon Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Yikes! It sounds like he is trying to LOCK YOU DOWN! Big red shiny waving flag!
Author That_girl Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 So then I'm not going crazy!! He isn't constantly calling me or anything, he just scared me with all of that talk. I also thought the no condom thing was kinda rude. I figure maybe he is just acting this way for now because he was dumped a few months ago.
sanskrit Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Not sure about a-hole, but definitely moving way too fast and some insconsiderate statements. No guy likes sex with condoms, but that doesn't mean you make an issue over it with your GF. If you are on the pill and there is a history of clean STD tests on both sides, maybe, but some women would still not be comfortable and in those cases it's up to the guy whether he can accept that or not rather than try to bully you or nag you about it. The "moving too fast" thing is most troublesome, but it's a mistake many make today.
Sphere Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Run Forrest Run. And if you are not in healthy head space or emotional place then DO NOT enter the dating scene. You'll just worsen your situation, wait until you are emotionally healthy.
Pfiend101 Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 It amazes me that my ex called me clingy. After reading posts like this. As well as others. It's something I most certainly am not. Best of luck. Seems like your new beau has some problems. What does he have going for him career wise?
Gattica Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 I don't feel his behavior is acceptable. He doesn't seem mentally stable, IMO. As far as sex w/o a condom....you can always tell him it is sex with a condom or he can use his hand.
carhill Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 whackadoodle, IMO. There's jaded and then there's aware. Here, I'm seeing the latter. Good luck
sugarmomma Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 Please break up with him. Do you know his HIV status? If not, do not let him pressure you into sex without protection. Also google "signs of a dangerous man". You will probably find him in the description. I am very leery of men who want to rush into a relationship. They are the worst.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy won't women walk away from this kind of flaky behavior immediately !!! Eventually you cause your own problems for not reacting quickly and instead letting yourselves get cozy with him and then you're drawn-in. Leave him!!
Author That_girl Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 I have heard all the stories regrading emotionally abusive people/relationships and have even been through a few myself. I still catch myself thinking that I'm making things out to sound worse than they are....but then I go back to thinking about how wrong some of this stuff is. The thing is he is an awesome person...really intelligent, sweet, caring.....but then he gets these moments where he acts like a total ****. This weekend he got jealous of the fact that I was going to stay with a friend rather than at his place. He said something that made me feel really stupid- that I'm immature, and how he shouldn't have to compete with my girlfriends. I know that this is manipulative. He was the one acting immature, expecting me to do whatever accommodated him. I hate to admit this, but I do feel like keeping him around a bit out of fear of loneliness. I am totally attracted to him, don't get me wrong....but I don't think I would normally tolerate that kind of behaviour if I were okay emotionally. I live alone, and although I have many friends...it's scary being on my own and it's just been nice to have someone around that appears to care about me on a deeper level. I guess I could probably use some help...... Thanks for all of the responses.
hydorclops Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 If you're going to stick it out for a while, practice being very firm with your boundaries. If you get really good at sticking up for what you need, maybe things will get better. If things don't work out, you'll have learned a good skill for next time. example: "We are going to use condoms. This discussion is over."
harmfulsweetz Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 If it feels like it could be borderline abusive/controlling/jealous behavior you're dealing with-it's because it is. He sounds like a control freak, like someone that will one day attempt to control your every move down to where you go, who with, what time etc. It'll be more like living with a parent than a partner. These men often have brilliant qualities, qualities we don't want to give up but have to because the unhealthy qualities, I'm afraid, override the value of the great ones. A guy like him is sweet, kind, caring when it suits him. When you are bending to his will, doing things in his comfort zone, he'll be nice as pie, but do anything that he disagrees with, and well, it'll be another story. Maybe that's taking it to an extreme, but I really believe guys like that do not change. They hide their controlling patterns well, compensating for them with "their fabulous qualities" before you know it, you have a jekyll and hyde character. I've seen it myself, and been in it myself. My ex was all nice, sweet, kind, generous, but then he'd make an issue out of a non-issue, he'd tell me where I was sleeping, he'd guilttrip me into sex when I was ill, he'd refuse to let me out without him. He never once laid a finger on me properly, and I felt stupid for breaking up with him over just that behavior-it's not that bad, compared to some. Looking back, I was beginning to feel like a 5 year old again, I couldn't apply for a job without his say so, etc. My point is, there comes a time if you stay with a guy like this, that you'll stop and realize that you never made a decision on your own, and wonder what happened to your balance. My ex did care for me, and I believe love me, but-he had a total disregard for my opinion, and my feelings. The condom thing is an issue-he has a total disregard for your health and his own if I'm honest. I would only not use a condom if we were both tested for STD's, and HIV, and both physically sound. Even then, I'd be wary. Guys always use that 'it feels better without one', well, it's bs. You can buy the really lightweight ones, for the sake of sensation, your health is more important. You've been together 2 months, and he wants to move in. Major red flag. It's the honeymoon period, not the serious commitment stage. I used to laugh at my friends who'd move in with their boyfriends at this stage because you could just tell it was a disaster waiting to happen. It was, it ended up with the majority of these girls being made homeless a couple of months down the line. Sorry, I'm rambling, jeez, but I've been there. Little things can often seem like nothing, but they are something. People do say it's the little things that count, and he's showing you what kind of person and what kind of views he holds.
collegeguy_24 Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Guys always use that 'it feels better without one', well, it's bs. You can buy the really lightweight ones, for the sake of sensation, your health is more important. For one thing, its not BS, the light weight ones don't really make that big a difference in terms of sensation, condoms always take sensation away whether is thin or not. Thats the honest truth, so thats not a lie. But what others have said is also true, your health first. If you even consider the possibility of no condoms, make sure your on good BC, and both tested for STDs. Not to mention, in all honesty, it sounds like he is pushing this kinda hard. Me and my ex considered it, but she was the one who brought it up, not me. At anytime did you give him the impression you might be for it? Or did he bring it up first? Also, his behavior does sound kinda controlling. You need to take a step back and look at things, cause the signs he is showing are not good at all. I suggest you have a talk with him about the issues you have in your relationship, but be sure to do in a safe environment cause you never know when he might reveal his true side. Get in contact with friends and ask them about this, having there opinion may also help especially if they interact with him at all.
irc333 Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Yeah, people have their own def. if "Clingy" some it's just holding hands, and that's considered 'clingy"lol It amazes me that my ex called me clingy. After reading posts like this. As well as others. It's something I most certainly am not. Best of luck. Seems like your new beau has some problems. What does he have going for him career wise?
BruceLeroy Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Lonely aint near as bad as buying a new set of tires cuz yours got slashed or getting punched.. The longer you wait to break up with him, the harsher his reaction to being dumped will be. With him getting pissed over you givin time to even your fem friends, and thinking his sensation should over ride your health preservation concerns? Think it over. Its two months and this sounds like the same as being single cuz he got his eye on getting his still and you got your eye on fear. It maybe something different from being single, but is this being in a relationship to you?
Author That_girl Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 Thank you for all of the insight. I've already made my decision to end it. It was pretty easy considering I just found out that he cheated on me while he was away on vacation. He even told me that he loved me AFTER he told me that he fooled around with someone else while he was on heroin. And he cried and begged me to give him another chance. That just solidified the fact that he is actually insane. It's too bad because I was starting to fall for him, but he is definitely the last thing I need right now.
Alma Mobley Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Really sorry to hear that but you are well rid of him! Next time you will be quicker to see the warning signs and get out sooner.
Author That_girl Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 Having a bad day.....can't spell. Yeah I'm actually looking at the cheating thing as a blessing in disguise. It's better that he show's his true colours now rather than later.
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