Truth

[AmIWrong]

Another thread on this board made me start thinking about the TRUTH. I started thinking how I would respond to the OP who thinks/knows her BF cheated, but he won't admit it. I saw myselft in her, and wondered if I could say anything helpful to her, but I haven't been able to resolve my own conflict. H & I have been in the same deadlock for over a year now. The OP & I both want the truth. But what is the truth? There's my truth, his truth, and the real truth.

 

My truth is that H probably crossed some boundaries. That's not a deal breaker for me. In the beginning I felt very sure that he was having an affair, but later came to realize that I probably imagined the worst like I tend to do. He would have had to put forth a lot of effort to hide it. Not to mention the level of manipulation involved. I had to decide if I believed that he was capable of that kind of deception and manipulation because it takes a real monster to pull it off, one without conscience, and that I'm sure he is NOT. He is loving, giving, and respectful. He's a little arrogant and somewhat sometimes aloof, but nobody's perfect. I am not naive. I've read this board, and I know to what lengths some will go to keep an affair secret. The person I see, our friends and family see, and even our counselor and my therapist agree, that he is not one of those people. I had to admit a lot of hard truths about myself in the process, change my belief system, and learn to accept what I can't change, so I'm a work in progress. But I do trust that my radar picked up on something. It's that "something" that keeps me/us from moving forward.

 

His truth is that he has nothing to hide. He has been faithful, honest, and committed since day one. He wholeheartedly believes that he hasn't done anything wrong. I think this is where a discussion on boundaries should come in, so that's my next step.

 

The real truth, I hope will reveal itself in time. I just hope I recognize it when it does, so how will I know it when I get it?

[PegNosePete]

I am not naive. I've read this board, and I know to what lengths some will go to keep an affair secret. The person I see, our friends and family see, and even our counselor and my therapist agree, that he is not one of those people.

I bet you every single BS on this board would have said the same thing. I know I would, right up until the day before D-day.

 

If you know that he has done something, even if not a full affair, then he is lying to you. Lying is bad, maybe even worse than the actual act. Can you be with a liar?

[painfullyobvious]

Another thread on this board made me start thinking about the TRUTH. I started thinking how I would respond to the OP who thinks/knows her BF cheated, but he won't admit it. I saw myselft in her, and wondered if I could say anything helpful to her, but I haven't been able to resolve my own conflict. H & I have been in the same deadlock for over a year now. The OP & I both want the truth. But what is the truth? There's my truth, his truth, and the real truth.

 

My truth is that H probably crossed some boundaries. That's not a deal breaker for me. In the beginning I felt very sure that he was having an affair, but later came to realize that I probably imagined the worst like I tend to do. He would have had to put forth a lot of effort to hide it. Not to mention the level of manipulation involved. I had to decide if I believed that he was capable of that kind of deception and manipulation because it takes a real monster to pull it off, one without conscience, and that I'm sure he is NOT. He is loving, giving, and respectful. He's a little arrogant and somewhat sometimes aloof, but nobody's perfect. I am not naive. I've read this board, and I know to what lengths some will go to keep an affair secret. The person I see, our friends and family see, and even our counselor and my therapist agree, that he is not one of those people. I had to admit a lot of hard truths about myself in the process, change my belief system, and learn to accept what I can't change, so I'm a work in progress. But I do trust that my radar picked up on something. It's that "something" that keeps me/us from moving forward.

 

His truth is that he has nothing to hide. He has been faithful, honest, and committed since day one. He wholeheartedly believes that he hasn't done anything wrong. I think this is where a discussion on boundaries should come in, so that's my next step.

 

The real truth, I hope will reveal itself in time. I just hope I recognize it when it does, so how will I know it when I get it?

 

 

 

I think you have already recognized it. Once a person is intuned or aware that "something" is not right they begin to scrutinize and look much deeper with a more objective perception. If there is something to find you will find now that you are aware of the possibility. Trust through verification

[pureinheart]

Another thread on this board made me start thinking about the TRUTH. I started thinking how I would respond to the OP who thinks/knows her BF cheated, but he won't admit it. I saw myselft in her, and wondered if I could say anything helpful to her, but I haven't been able to resolve my own conflict. H & I have been in the same deadlock for over a year now. The OP & I both want the truth. But what is the truth? There's my truth, his truth, and the real truth.

 

My truth is that H probably crossed some boundaries. That's not a deal breaker for me. In the beginning I felt very sure that he was having an affair, but later came to realize that I probably imagined the worst like I tend to do. He would have had to put forth a lot of effort to hide it. Not to mention the level of manipulation involved. I had to decide if I believed that he was capable of that kind of deception and manipulation because it takes a real monster to pull it off, one without conscience, and that I'm sure he is NOT. He is loving, giving, and respectful. He's a little arrogant and somewhat sometimes aloof, but nobody's perfect. I am not naive. I've read this board, and I know to what lengths some will go to keep an affair secret. The person I see, our friends and family see, and even our counselor and my therapist agree, that he is not one of those people. I had to admit a lot of hard truths about myself in the process, change my belief system, and learn to accept what I can't change, so I'm a work in progress. But I do trust that my radar picked up on something. It's that "something" that keeps me/us from moving forward.

 

His truth is that he has nothing to hide. He has been faithful, honest, and committed since day one. He wholeheartedly believes that he hasn't done anything wrong. I think this is where a discussion on boundaries should come in, so that's my next step.

 

The real truth, I hope will reveal itself in time. I just hope I recognize it when it does, so how will I know it when I get it?

 

It sounds like you are very rational, and have "noticed" differences possibly in behavior and are weighing out the possibilities of an A. I have been where you are at many, many times.

 

I spent a lot of time trying to "figure out" what the real deal was (in fact have done this in many other types of senarios and R's).

 

I have come to the conclusion that "I" am not in control and God does have my back, so with that I find peace in all matters now. If I am being lied to, or messed with, well, God help them is all I have to say.

 

I understand with the suspicions at hand you fear moving forward...let your fears go if you can. BTW, I really feel for your sitch, it's not easy, although not impossible:)

[TigerCub]

He is loving, giving, and respectful. He's a little arrogant and somewhat sometimes aloof,

I don't want to sound mean, but the MM I was involved with was all those things as well, and I'm sure that most of the time his baby momma thought that of him too.

Cheaters wear a lot of masks and they play a lot of roles (well).

 

But I do trust that my radar picked up on something.

Oddly enough, when I was talking to xMM about relationships once, he actually said "When women get a sense that something is wrong - they should usually follow that instinct"

 

The real truth, I hope will reveal itself in time. I just hope I recognize it when it does, so how will I know it when I get it?

 

I hope that you find your truth sooner than later. It must be very difficult to live with doubt and to constantly go back & forth in your mind between your instincts and what you think the person you love is capable/incapable of doing.

[porter218]

I think during my M I wasted to much time trying to find the truth. My intuition over time turned out to have never, not once, been wrong. Towards the end, the last year or so, I decided to stop looking for it because it will and always does reveal itself. I also decided that you don't have to have an admission of guilt for the truth to be true. If 1+2 is not coming up with 3 then you have a liar on your hands. Relax and let your intuition do its job and whatever it is will come out. The only effort you should put in is to pay attention to whatever it is that is bothering you. The way my H would get caught is I would pretend to be oblivious to the wool he was pulling over my eyes and then he would get lazy and leave a trail. What exactly is making you feel like something is wrong, and what "truth" is it you are looking for?

[AmIWrong]

What exactly is making you feel like something is wrong, and what "truth" is it you are looking for?

 

I could list 100 reasons why, but the reality is there will always be more than one explation for some behaviors. It boils down to trust, and that's what's broken right now. I can't answer your second question yet, but I hope to figure that out soon enough.

 

...let your fears go if you can

 

I am trying desperately to let go of my fears and live in the moment, let whatever is going to happen, happen, but it's so, so hard because my instinct to protect myself and my loved ones comes first. The dichotomy of it all is overwhelming. I can't help but feel like it's my protective nature that has caused me to project questionable behavior on H.

 

Can you be with a liar?

 

Wish the answer was that easy, Pete. One of the hyposthesis that my therapist is working with is that it's possible H developed feelings for someone, and not only did he not act on them, he didn't even recognize it. If indeed that is what happened, wouldn't his truth, that he didn't do anything wrong, and he's been faithful, honest and committed, be genuine? What I struggle with is if it's truly possible for H not to have recognized it or if he's in denial.

 

I truly appreciate everyone for taking time to respond. Please know that I do give all of your responses careful consideration. Your questions and comments helped bring some underlying issues back to the surface for me. I plan to discuss my responses to your questions in therapy, especially my response to Pure.