enufdrama Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 my BF's mom doesn't agree with our relationship, because of how we came together. she doesn't want to meet me or even see him until he starts "living right". they haven't had a good relationship since he was 18 because of how she handled when he found out he was adopted. she told him, she wasn't his mother, that his aunt was now his mother, which is his birth mother. if that was confusing, sorry. but you get the idea. his grandma and I had only one encounter that was very hostile, she called me names, and threatened to kill me. his cousin and aunt(birth mother) play games with everyone and manipulate people for dramatic reasons, but try to act innocent. so basically, some members of his insane family dislike me. My BF comes from this insane group and I have seen many of the same traits in him in the past. which is scary. basically, how do I deal with his family? he basically has no contact with these people now, but it is his family. I don't know how to deal with family like this, who needs enemies?they are very judgemental (when i know they live in glass houses), very manipulative, and will lead you into the fire. I have already seen this for myself and been led to it. his cousin tried to talk me into putting sugar in his grandma's gas take to get revenge, after she got off the phone with her and said love ya grandma! what a two-faced, backstabber! no, i didn't do it! how can i deal with his family and trust him to not be like this? i really dislike them
Owl Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 You can't. Family comes as "part and parcel". If you dislike them, they dislike you...quite honestly there's probably never going to be any positive interaction. And if you're worried that he's going to "be like them"...that's a whole seperate red flag you probably should be considering as well. I don't see hope for the future in this situation.
Tsm Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Im nt sure hey, just let them be and just with him, hope they come around in time. I wish families could stop trying to live other peoples lives and accept things the way they are. I had a different experience my xmm's mother adored me. How i felt about was two ways, i respected her for supporting and putting his happiness 1st, and at the same i was like if she accepted me that easily...? Good luck.
Author enufdrama Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 You can't. Family comes as "part and parcel". If you dislike them, they dislike you...quite honestly there's probably never going to be any positive interaction. And if you're worried that he's going to "be like them"...that's a whole seperate red flag you probably should be considering as well. I don't see hope for the future in this situation. Thanks Owl for your response, according to him, he has no interaction with them, and gave relationships up with them to be with me. He says it doesn't bother him, that he can't totally write them off, and i quote him "if they passed i would go to the funeral" or if one was really sick he would be there to support the family. but is this realistic. no matter how crazy someone's family is, they are still family. in my opinion their definnition of loyalty and love is unhealthy and dangerous but that's all he's known. i've learned alot of the history through other family members. only way others survive in that family is through playing their games or totally avoiding them. otherwise they tear you apart with rumors, manipulation, backstabbing. so do i throw him back to the insane crew or support him and guide him in his interactions with them?
Author enufdrama Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 [Im nt sure hey, just let them be and just with him, hope they come around in time. I wish families could stop trying to live other peoples lives and accept things the way they are. I had a different experience my xmm's mother adored me. How i felt about was two ways, i respected her for supporting and putting his happiness 1st, and at the same i was like if she accepted me that easily...? Good luck. thanks TSM. i guess that's one way. but i always worry, is he hiding his relationships with them because he knows I am like hyperparanoid, i dont trust him to make good judgements on trusting his family. he is very naive in dealing with them. they have stabbed him in the back many times, and he kept giving them knives to do it. for ex. his grandma and aunt were the ones who outed him to his ex wife that he was having an affair?? they were afraid she would keep the kids away from them, so they were trying to get on her side. they tried to get him to revenge his brother's murder by killing the accused, ok there hadn't even been a trial? it was ruled a suicide! telling him he isn't a man if he doesn't kill him. these people seem very dangerous.
Owl Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Thanks Owl for your response, according to him, he has no interaction with them, and gave relationships up with them to be with me. He says it doesn't bother him, that he can't totally write them off, and i quote him "if they passed i would go to the funeral" or if one was really sick he would be there to support the family. but is this realistic. no matter how crazy someone's family is, they are still family. in my opinion their definnition of loyalty and love is unhealthy and dangerous but that's all he's known. i've learned alot of the history through other family members. only way others survive in that family is through playing their games or totally avoiding them. otherwise they tear you apart with rumors, manipulation, backstabbing. so do i throw him back to the insane crew or support him and guide him in his interactions with them? You're the only one who can decide that. I can tell you that I personally would NOT emotionally invest in a relationship with someone who's got his kind of family/background/history. He's not going to have any kind of role model in his own life on which to build a healthy relationship from. If all he's known is this kind of dysfunctional life...he's not going to know how to have a functional one. Sure, you can sign up to try to "fix" him...but frankly that never works. You can't save other people from things like this, no matter how hard you try. That's my take. You'll choose to do what you choose to do...and I wish you the best whichever way you go.
Author enufdrama Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 It's really difficult when there are family problems to deal with on top of an already difficult situation. You can learn a lot about a person from their family. If he is exhibiting some of these same behaviors, I wouldn't dismiss them. You're willingly walking into this fire. exactly. he already led me into the fire before, trusting his family, but he was playing the games they play. lying to just get by today, worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. I went to his cousins a year ago with him in another state, where these people live. I felt like I was going to be set up. i couldn't sleep. I did not feel safe. he even hid his truck so they wouldn't know we were there, because they had already trashed one of his cars. slashed all 4 tires, knocked out windows, his aunt and grandma. i told myself if you hear anything punch first, then open your eyes. I've seen too much. I am just not use to living in that. but apparently its a way of life.
carhill Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Sometimes you can love someone more than life and still let them go. IMO, this is one of those times. BTDT. Hope you find your way to a healthy decision, OP. Best wishes
Ellin Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 You can't. Family comes as "part and parcel". If you dislike them, they dislike you...quite honestly there's probably never going to be any positive interaction. And if you're worried that he's going to "be like them"...that's a whole seperate red flag you probably should be considering as well. I don't see hope for the future in this situation. Please, Owl, don't take hope away from people. Sometimes hope is all they have and it makes a whole load of difference between having and not having it. It can literally change the course of events. You really don't know. Often the least expected things happen and the most difficult situations work out well in the end.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 this is great news for your BF's x-wife. She broke free from a cheater and an insane family. life should be good for her from now on:bunny:
Author enufdrama Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 Sometimes you can love someone more than life and still let them go. IMO, this is one of those times. BTDT. Hope you find your way to a healthy decision, OP. Best wishes thanks for your response carhill. i appreciate your gentle yet good advice. I just don't know how to let go. i was told this once by a counselor. i believe she was right. i have trouble letting go. believe it or not. this is only 2nd relationship as an adult. i am 35. got married young. was with my ex for 16 yrs. may i ask what IMO and BTDT means? thanks again
carhill Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 IMO = in my opinion BTDT = been there, done that Read my journals for my unhealthy journey of not letting go for 25 some odd years. Life is amazingly peaceful now. FWIW, having experienced her family firsthand and by proxy, it mirrors to a large degree what you describe in your OP. Prior, I believed anyone could rise above circumstances. After loving two and marrying one, I now believe I was and am wrong about that. Not *anyone*, but *someone*. The key is identifying the difference. Good luck
bentnotbroken Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 this is great news for your BF's x-wife. She broke free from a cheater and an insane family. life should be good for her from now on:bunny: She really is blessed.
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