I like a man 18 years older than me.

[leftfordead2]

The question is: Should I let him know how I feel? I'm afraid I'll spoil the friendship that we have right now. I like talking to him and I don't want to make things awkward between us.

 

A little bit about him: He's single, never married nor have kids as far as I know. He isn't gay btw. I asked him before if he plans to ever settle down or have kids. He is open to the idea and the reason he hasn't found someone yet is because all the women whom he have met thus far turns psycho 3-5 months into the relationship.

 

He is nice to all his friends, male or female. Needless to say, he's been very nice to me too, thus, I can't tell if he only views me as a platonic friend. There has been a little harmless flirting in the past but due to our work schedules lately, we haven't been able to talk as much.

 

Is there any way to check if he likes me besides asking him directly?

[tincanman99]

Sorry to say there is no way except to ask him directly or invite him to something and see how he responds.

 

I am probably around your friend's age and I would be friendly but thats it. Though secretly I may want to date you I would never verbalize it.

 

(BTW, if you saw me you would never realize how old I am. Most women think I look like I am in my mid 30s because I am fit and dont dress or behave like an old man).

 

Here is why - I have repeatedly heard and read from younger women the following:

 

*they find older guys creepy

*he is old

*younger women only appreciate they money

*she is looking for a sugar daddy

*it wont last

*blah, blah..

 

Why would I subject myself to that?

 

I am not saying any of this is true (except the old part ) but thats what I hear in my head. So I do nothing.

 

You cant win. If you like him you are going to have initiate a little because of the things I mentioned above...

[leftfordead2]

To tell the truth, I do find much older men creepy but I don't feel this way towards him. As for the issue of it lasting, who knows? I've seen couples whom everyone felt was very compatible break up. I've seen couples whom people thought wouldn't last still going strong now. I'm not sure what he thinks of me but for me, as long as the guy is employed, I don't really care how much he makes as I am pretty self sufficient.

 

I did invite him sometime ago but I was wondering if he considered it as a "date" or just hanging out with a friend. I'm not so keen on letting him know directly because I'm afraid he would view me as creepy. Lol

[Feelin Frisky]

So I'm not the only older geezer who has been a psycho magnet all his life. Assuming you won't go psycho in three months I'd say show papi some love.

[carhill]

Relevant ages, please?

 

I know a lady who is 35 and her husband 53 and, while things aren't perfect, I've never heard her describe him as a creepy old man.

 

I tend to think of much younger women as daughters but don't see them as creepy. They're just people. Same with older women, like in their 60's and 70's. People.

 

You could tell him about meeting an older man in the past and finding the experience enjoyable; perhaps a white lie, since you generally find older men creepy, but such does open a door *if* he's interested in you. You can also be direct and ask him out but that approach might not be compatible with his perspective on romance. It's a risk, but I guess anything in this area is a risk. Up to you which risks you want to take and how much you value the rewards. Good luck

[spiderowl]

Sorry, can't help with the whether he likes you or not, but I have to say that his criticism of women in the past, saying they turn psycho on him a few months into the relationship, is a big warning sign. Not every women is psycho and the fact that he views these women like that is worrying. Also, what he is saying to you (if I'm reading it right) is that they get all weird and then he dumps them. If this is a pattern for him, then I would be inclined to think either (i) he's fibbing and the women have been fine, he just never got attached to them because he's one of those emotionally detached men who is incapable of love, or (ii) he's doing something that drives women mad after he's been with them a while.

 

Please note his disparaging view of the women he's been involved with (and presumably had sex with) in the past. Do you really want to become one of them? For someone to reach his age and never have found at least one nice woman to spend time with is pretty unusual.

[carhill]

Please note his disparaging view of women he's been involved with, and presumably had sex with, in the past. Do you really want to become one of them? For someone to reach his age and never have found at least one nice woman to spend time with is pretty unusual.

That's a good point. I've experienced my fair share of 'different' but would never comment on that to a prospective date or a female in general. It's just not appropriate IMO. In fact, I know a guy (a friend) like the OP is talking about who is in his mid-40's and he demonstrates himself to be perennially picky, always finding something 'wrong' with a woman and apparently picking incompatible women to pursue.

[tigressA]

Sorry, can't help with the whether he likes you or not, but I have to say that his criticism of women in the past, saying they turn psycho on him a few months into the relationship, is a big warning sign. Not every women is psycho and the fact that he views these women like that is worrying. Also, what he is saying to you (if I'm reading it right) is that they get all weird and then he dumps them. If this is a pattern for him, then I would be inclined to think either (i) he's fibbing and the women have been fine, he just never got attached to them because he's one of those emotionally detached men who is incapable of love, or (ii) he's doing something that drives women mad after he's been with them a while.

 

Please note his disparaging view of the women he's been involved with (and presumably had sex with) in the past. Do you really want to become one of them? For someone to reach his age and never have found at least one nice woman to spend time with is pretty unusual.

 

THIS. All of it. Read it repeatedly.

 

I really don't think you should get involved with this guy any more than you already are.

[leftfordead2]

Hmm you guys do bring up a very good point that I have never thought about.

He did talk about an ex before but all he said was that she was very demanding but due to his work, he couldn't spend as much time with her. Then it seemed it she would pick a fight with him over the smallest things. I didn't probe as it wasn't my place to ask. We were just talking about past relationships one day.

 

I'm 23 and he's 41. I guess I should just enjoy the friendship and expect nothing more eh?

[carhill]

I'm 23 and he's 41. I guess I should just enjoy the friendship and expect nothing more eh?

 

Including age into the overall dynamic, I think that's a healthy perspective.

[Feelin Frisky]

Not to fault anyone but perhaps SB read too much into this. All it takes is a couple or even one relationship where one lets his or her feelings go with someone who turns out to have a serious complex or psychotic borderline personality disorder to wreck a person's heart. Perhaps this fella, like me, has had this experience. It wouldn't be un-heard-of for a man or woman to embellish his or her fate by saying "all" the persons of the opposite sex he or she has let their heart go for have turned out to be nuts. "All" can mean just one or two. If the OP finds herself liking this man for what he seems, then perhaps she'll melt his hardened heart. Just beware that he may have been though some wicked shi+.

[carhill]

'All' the women turn 'psycho' 3-5 months into the relationship because he's commitment phobic and is assessing his exit options and perhaps has exercised some of them. Ain't speculatin' fun?

[leftfordead2]

Guess I'll just enjoy what I have now, thanks guys and girls

 

A bit about Feelin Friskin's point about melting his heart. If I was around 18 (young and stupid), I would have definitely gone for whatever I wanted because I believed that I could change him/ melt his heart etc. But for now, let's just say my experience made me believe that that is close to impossible. I do appreciate your view though.

[Cee]

I was 23 and dated a 39-year old for 2 years. There was zero drama except for the fact that I was so young. I was too young to settle down with him.

 

With all that said, I think the other posters are right. Don't do it. The guy's dating history is a red flag.

[Feelin Frisky]

...

A bit about Feelin Friskin's point... I do appreciate your view ...

 

Thanks for saying so.

[classof2014]

Maybe you've already made up your mind, but if you haven't I would be a little more open. Im assuming he looks good for his age (judging by your posts) and often times good looking guys tend to attract some really unstable women. Im not saying this is the case, but oftentimes, guys like the one the OP is describing are magnets for shallow, emotional chicks. Im not saying date him, but maybe learn a little more about him before making a decision.

[lilbunny]

I had a 3 year R with a man about 15 years older than me. I was 23 and he was 38 when we started seeing each other. He had never lived with anyone (despite having a child with someone) or even been on a real holiday with a gf. His longest R was 10 months and that was with the mother of his child. Alarm bells should have gone off, they didn't. Needless to say it didn't work out.

 

I don't think the age gap was the problem, the thing to be mindful of is why he has never had a longer term R.

 

few explantions-

 

1. He has made the most of the player lifestyle and never wanted anything more. It is possible if he is interested he wouldn't want to admit that and has made an excuse for his lack of serious Rs.

 

2. He is the unluckiest man alive or the worst judge of character ever and has indeed met only crazy women. Is anyone realistically that doomed or clueless?

 

3. There is an issue with him that makes them run for the hills.

 

4. he is trying to downplay his past Rs, is making it clear all exes are well and truly out of the picture and maybe make himself sound a bit younger (and beware the mid-life crisis man).

 

My advice- proceed with caution!

[sanskrit]

I've had many relationships blow up at 3-4 months in a similar pattern, and not at all of my doing. They want exclusivity after three or four dates, then want to start family introductions at 1-2 months, then want to start making "plans for the future" at 3-4 months. That is too damn fast, and I don't feel at fault for saying or thinking so, it doesn't make me "afraid to commit" and most certainly does not make me "incapable of intimacy."

 

I think lots of women out there today have dated "overeager" men or their friends have, and they get the idea that no time is too early to start pushing their agenda, setting ultimatums and acting like their pace, no matter how fast, is "normal" with no regard for the man's desired pace at all.

 

Then when you don't "play ball" and instead try to keep things at a healthy but not breakneck pace, they blow up like a chunk of C4, start resentful, emotional bullying behavior, start going out lots with friends to try to make you jealous, maybe even cheating (she is justified in her mind because the commitmentphobic tyrant, me, doesn't want to see her every living day of the world after dating only 3 months), basically every manipulation technique in the book.

 

That stuff is NOT on me, and I refuse to have it laid at my door. Perhaps your guy has experienced similar.

Edited October 2, 2010 by sanskrit

[sanskrit]

I think it is very very difficult for an eligible single man with a good job to get through is ENTIRE 30's and not wind up in a relationship longer than a few months, at some point in there. The man basically has to be RUNNING AWAY from serious relationships for that to happen.

 

I am older. Have had longer relationships, and not all have fit the pattern I describe, but can certainly understand how a normal person could reach 41 and have them explode in the same way many of mine have. Lots of people focus on career in the 30s these days, and don't start really looking for longterm until 30-35+. I didn't even think about marriage at all until 35.

 

Have also had some that did not fit the "female pushing too fast" pattern that I terminated (or they did) for other reasons, but it is the most common by far in my experience. One had young children and was too busy with that and career for me, several moved away before things could get really serious, I have been upgraded in favor of very wealthy men several times in life where there were no problems at all in the relationship. Have had some get back with ex husbands or longterm ex BFs. I didn't "run away" from any of these, and I don't even blame the "push too fast" ones or call them psycho, they are merely a product of our times. But still, don't want that stuff laid at my door as something I have done "wrong."

 

Now I do not want marriage, just a longterm companion who loves me and treats me as an end, not a means. I'm completely happy single though, just annoys a bit when I see single men past 40 being categorized as damaged goods, as I have never -failed- at marriage unlike everyone who has divorced has. I don't stigmatize divorcees, and don't appreciate being stigmatized.

 

but that kind of proves my point, doesn't it? If you wanted a serious relationship, there's plenty of opportunity.

 

I'm mature and experienced enough to know that a bad relationship is worse than none at all, and perhaps OP's guy feels similarly. I absolutely will not stay in a relationship where she is exhibiting bad, disrespectful behavior in an attempt to manipulate me towards her agenda. Pulling the trigger on those has become so frequent and matter of fact that it reminds me of James Gandolfini's line on doing mob hits in "True Romance," paraphrased as "the first time you kill someone it really bothers you, then once you have done it enough, you just do it to see their expression change." Just rewatched that today, great movie

 

OP, there are lots of never married folks out there who aren't bogeymen, go by how they treat you, not their history or lack thereof.

[leftfordead2]

He doesn't seem to be a player, not too sure if he was in the past though. I'm curious about why his past r/s failed to make it past 6 months, but it's rude for me to ask him considering that we're just friends. The latest one that I know of isn't a relationship, but more of a married woman with a kid being attracted to him. She confessed to him about liking him but I'm not sure if he felt the same way. The woman wanted to leave the husband for him. However, he told her to work things out with her husband instead of making a rash decision. So fast forward a few weeks, the woman completely ignores him like he doesn't exist. What happened in between, I don't know. I think sometimes he treats his female friends "too well", which makes them start to develop feelings for him or think that he is interested in them. I like him, but seeing how he treats the rest of his female friends, I would feel that I'm just one of those friends, not someone whom he would have an interest in. I probably should get to know him better first before initiating anything.

[sanskrit]

Well, take a plunge and see how he responds. If he finds you attractive also, go from there. You have no worse chance of it working out than any relationship started in any other way.

 

It is a bit worrisome that you are already sizing this guy up for a serious longterm relationship. You really need to date awhile before even wondering about that. If you like him and enjoy his company, it's not wasted time.

[Mike B.]

A little bit about him: He's single, never married nor have kids as far as I know. He isn't gay btw. I asked him before if he plans to ever settle down or have kids. He is open to the idea and the reason he hasn't found someone yet is because all the women whom he have met thus far turns psycho 3-5 months into the relationship.

 

 

Interpretation: I screw up with the women I date big time after 3-5 months into the relationship.

[anne1707]

I too wonder what is the issue with this man if by his forties, he has never had a relationship last longer than a few months. By that time there would normally have been one or two serious relationships at least. I also find it a worry that he blames the women for things going wrong.

 

I know someone who has had a string of serious relationships (including 2 failed marriages) and when he has talked of how they ended, it was all about what the woman did wrong as if he was the innocent party. I saw how he behaved however at the end of a relationship and he was a complete sh$t. The truth was that he could not deal with a real long term relationship and just wanted that excitement of the early years. He's now on his third marriage.

 

Is that the kind of person you want?

[EasyHeart]

I find it fascinating how quickly some of you (particularly some of you women) can leap to ridiculous conclusions.

 

My experiences are remarkably similar to Sankirt's. Many of us are career-oriented (as this guy seems to be) and have no interest in looking for marriage before we get into our mid- or late-thirties. And once you get to that point, your dating pool is largely women who are (1) significantly younger than you; (2) bring a wedding dress to the first date "just in case"; (3) gold-diggers who are ready to marry you as soon as they hear your occupation; (4) women who have been so damaged by their ex-husbands and/or ex-boyfriends that they leap to ridiculous conclusions about every man they meet and can't form healthy relationships; and (5) women who have anxiety issues and freak out about every man they meet.

 

Question for the OP: when he talked about women going psycho after 3-5 months, were you have a deep, intimate conversation in which you were both baring you innermost souls? Or was it a passing comment? I joke all the time about "psycho women" (see items 1-5 in the preceding paragraph), but I don't mean it seriously, nor do I mean it as a psychological diagnosis.

 

Age is only a barrier in relationships if the age difference makes it impossible for you to relate with each other, and that is obviously not the case here. My best relationship was with a woman who was 19 when I started dating her (I was 39). We dated for almost 3 years and only broke up because we were at different places in life: I wanted to get married and have a family and she was focused on her career and had no interest in babies. That's the main issue I see in your case: Are you looking for the same things in life right now?

 

If you like him and he likes you, what exactly do you have to lose? Just don't necessarily expect to be walking down the aisle with him (though you never know!). And don't be surprised if he politely declines to date you because you are too young (which is what I would probably do).

 

And for the love of God, don't let all the psycho women on this board scare you away from a guy you're attracted to!!!

[sanskrit]

I know someone who has had a string of serious relationships (including 2 failed marriages) and when he has talked of how they ended, it was all about what the woman did wrong as if he was the innocent party.

 

As opposed to conventional wisdom on this point, it's merely human nature in many cases. In early dating, when these things come up, people are still in "best foot forward" mode, and may tend to deemphasize their mistakes in past relationships. Character flaw? Maybe a small one. Great big deal? Not in my book.

 

The difference is that people who volunteer the information as if it is a cross they carry around tend to have more problems with this issue, and the ones who wouldn't have brought it up unless asked directly, or hesitate to talk specifics about prior relationships less so. So OP, context is important. Is the guy you are interested in frequently bringing these past relationships up? Or are you quizzing him on them?

 

Another thing that hasn't been brought up yet is that early on, I don't think prior relationships are anyone's business, and if asked about them, am going to give a bland answer calculated to put the matter to rest until it is appropriate to discuss such things. Pat answers may include "I haven't found the right person yet," or even "They all go psycho on me." Judging people on early pat answers, especially if you asked them a personal question a bit prematurely, is a mistake IMO. When asked about past relationships spur of the moment and why they haven't panned out, the tendency is to bring the most hurtful ones where one was hurt to the fore at the expense of relationships that may have had a more benign end. (EDIT: The above poster, Easyheart, makes this point well)

 

People's exes aren't the monsters they are often made out to be, no sane adult thinks otherwise, and people tend to portray themselves in the best light, simple human nature.

 

And finally, restating for emphasis, anyone who has been divorced, or has not been able to convert any of a string of 2+ year relationships into marriage successfully has just as many, if not more, relationship issues as someone who has not failed in marriage or failed in converting relationships that should have led to marriage into marriage. It annoys me to no end when divorced women, especially if they are raising kids in a single parent household, make any issue at all of my being never married. They need to address the mote in their own eye.

Edited October 2, 2010 by sanskrit