It took me 5 years to realize - my ex is self centered person

[thatsonlyme]

Yup. 5 years of realtionship gone in 60 seconds. A month and a half of suffering and pain, idealizing this person and trying to find excuses for her behavior. She loved me, we had problems, she fell out of love and fell in love with someone else, that's why she left me. She was so cold because that was her only way to cope with it, she probably misses me, after all she wants to be friends, right? I've been thinking about this over and over again, so much that actually I convinced myself how great of a person she is and she just couldn't deal with hard life issues. Well, I guess I was wrong all along!

 

Reality check. I spoke to some close friends about this and they all agreed. Some of them even added that she was also mean and the way she treated me was just wrong. Partially true, at least. They didn't wanna tell me earlier because she was my gf and they thought I will realize that myself. I had to lose everything, start my life from a scratch and cry every night to realize this.

 

I'll put it simply this way: my ex is a self centered person. Maybe not selfish, but definitely self centered.

She hardly ever showed me attention when we were with friends, sometimes she was even rude to me. Everything had to be done her way, most of the time I agreed because I wanted it the same way, but she never really discussed it, she just wanted it that way. She never really gave me emotional support except maybe when my father died.

When we just met, she needed me because we lived in suburbs and she needed a driver to pick her up from the train station and such. That's how we started getting close to each other. She eventually fell in love with me.

When we got in this big immigration problem, she cried on her best friends shoulder, blamed me for everything that happened and never cared about how I feel about all that. I cared about her feelings more than my own so I tried to give her support and never noticed that she never even acknowledged how bad that affected me. That's what eventually led to our break up because she was so convinced because of me SHE is in trouble. Guess what, she overstayed her visa because of me, then I foolishly jumped onto the bandwagon and did the same. So if somebody was at fault here, that was most certainly her!

And then there are little things. We used to work together, doing almost the same job but I had more responsibilities (read she was immature). Well we both got a raise but I got a DOLLAR more per hour! She was b***g about it all the time how she deserves the same and how it's not fair...

Then she changed a job and I did the same a little later. Now she started making a lot more than I did and I was happy for her. mind you, we were putting all the money together anyways, so more for one of us meant more for both! Well, she was happy for a while, then she started complaining how I don't make enough money! wtf? just for the record, we had enough money for all our needs, no budget or anything and we never really felt the recession. She did only in her head.

When we started our business It was moving slow. I had a lot to learn and she expected results right away! When I took few days off of my job to focus on business (a week before break up) she was complaining how this week I will not make any money! Excuse me! she always wanted to study and I promised her if this business takes off as expected she won't have to work at all! Nope, she wanted it all right away.

Sometimes she'd get pissed if she said something and I didn't get it or hear it right away she'd throw a fit! "you know how much I hate when people ask me to repeat something"! Jeez, I just didn't her you, what's a big deal!

She wanted to do certain things that I didn't like, for example clubbing. She was free to go and I never asked any questions, but that wasn't enough. We were not going out together enough! Then on our days off if I wanted to go to the bar or restaurant she didn't feel like spending money! We could eat at home! Jeez! There was this pizza joint which I wanted to try for a very long time, guess what, she was never hungry, It was always too early, she'd eat only dinner because she wanted to stay skinny and I was too fat and shouldn't eat pizza (I had just a little extra).

She was obsessed with her weight and looks and I just wasn't good enough for her. I was good enough in the beginning though. She left me for a guy who has nice body, loves clubbing and loves to workout! We'll see in 10-15 years I bet I'll be better looking than her. My genes are good and her mom and sister are definitely not in their best shape.

There's probably a lot more, I'll add later, but now let's fast forward t othe end of our relationship.

She knew we were going down for 6 months at least, yet she made me believe everything was fine until the very last day. She found somebody, dumped me and the very same night she didn't come home until late morning. She expected me to move out ASAP, 10 days was too much for me to stay but I stayed anyway. When she dumped me she said she's lost her feelings, needed space and she wanted to stay friends "I don't wanna lose my best friend" she said. I admit I was clingy sometimes so I trusted her and hoped we can work it out.

When I went NC she was surprised why I don't wanna talk to her and kept bugging me. Once we finally met after over a month of NC she was so surprised why I was hurt and how couldn't I just get over it. Just like that, snap your fingers and get over it. She knows me a lot better than that. I mean it's only the end of a relationship, it's not like it meant anything right?

Nothing really changed for her, she moved on, stayed in the same apartment, our old car, has somebody to love. For me, all I have is our old mattress and my whole life packed in garbage bags. I have nobody to love or at least have sex with. There is nothing to feel bad about right?

Of course, she's still expecting me to help her fix the car and things like that and when I told her it's not my car anymore and I'm not going to take care of it the way I used to she said something like "of course you will".

For her all of this we left behind is just "nice memories" and I'm "to emotional" because it's hurting me to do things the way we used to do now when we're not together. But she loves doing things with me the way we used to do before.

She even ignored some of our mutual friends who helped us a lot in the past because she's found a new life. Now she started reconnecting with them because she "misses them".

Not to mention how jealous she was when some of our friends got their green cards and she was wondering why they are better than us. Well, that's because we'd chosen a different path, we messed it up, and it's not like she wasn't aware of possible consequences!

She's also very spontaneous or maybe I should say shallow. She wanted to move to LA because it's warm over there! I tried to talk to her about it, I was cool with moving but we had to figure out jobs and everything. She was like I AM MOVING there no matter what, I'm sick of Chicago winters! Right, people in LA spend all day on beaches and do nothing. She's still determined to move to LA. Also she wanted so badly to finish get her college degree because she didn't wanna be uneducated. It didn't matter what college or if she will be able to make the same amount of money as she makes right now. Nope, she just needed a diploma to show her how much she's worth.

 

Now I have to admit she has good sides too. When everything was perfect she loved me and enjoyed being with me. We had a great time together overall. She's a very interesting person to have around when she's in good mood. She loved listening to me talking about different things, everything but serious things that were important for our life and relationship. Our cultural differences were something that connected us and we enjoyed sharing them. But she was simply not cut for a serious relationship.

 

Realizing all this made me feel a lot better. Do I want her back? HELL NO!

I do want back that imaginary person that existed only in my head, I want back my life and all the good things we had together. I'm very lonely and I want a partner to share life with. Good memories are still hurting me. Unfortunately, she's not the one. Now I can finally be sure that she's not coming back, because SHE DOESN'T EXIST!

I wish her well but also I wish she gets a payback she deserves. I know she will because not all guys are saps like me. Somebody will have to get her down to earth and I hope I'll be around to see it. I'll definitely maintain some sort of contact. She can't hurt me anymore. And I'll try to learn from my mistakes and never let this happen again. I'll definitely give another person a chance, I won't be like her, but if I see any red flags in future relationships I'll be running! I'll rather break hearts than be heartbroken!

She's not irreplaceable. I'm having a fresh start and I'll do it my way. Whatever I accomplish I'll now I did it all by myself.

I feel relieved. I know I'll still have my ups and downs for a while but now I know I'm over it. She just doesn't deserve a guy like me. I may not be the best but I know I can give a lot without asking anything in return.

 

I know this is a long read but I had to vent, share my feelings and hopefully help somebody. She was my life, my everything and I had to lose everything to realize that she was not worth it. I can confidently say now that any person who leaves somebody like this is not worth it! That person may seem perfect but if you look hard enough you will find her flaws. Love is blind. I was blind. I though she was perfect. Now I see that she never had anything to give and she took everything I had to offer.

 

I feel relieved. I got this load off my chest and tonight was the first night in a long time that I didn't cry. Why should I cry? She opened a whole new world of possibilities for me. I can do anything I want without asking for approval. I can finally go to that pizza joint and indulge myself without any guilt. Maybe I have nobody to go with, so what? I was born alone and I will die alone.

 

I wish you all the best and I hope you all find your way through life. All of you, including her, the person I loved more than life, the person who was not there when I needed her the most. And will never be.

[broken19]

I honestly feel so much pain for you. Why? Because we both have empathy and we are not self centered. Some things you vented out remind me of my relationship and yes love is indeed blind. There is a reason people write these things about love...they have experienced them. I do feel sad for you but happy also that you have come to that realization. I know it is not that easy. Some days sadness can come back because YOU loved her and gave your all to her. It is a pity that nice people get the self centered people in this world. My ex (been ex for two weeks now) has turned into a person I never knew (or I knew but was blinded by love). He has mental issues and I wrote a long forum on it. Many people, family and friends including those who know him are telling me things and I guess some could be true. I believe him and what he says is true because my heart only sees the good in people..one of the qualities I possess and have been hurt many times before but I still do it. Call me gullible or childish..I don't know. But as much as I believe him and understand him it still hurts because he just does what he wants and does not accept responsibilities for his actions. he even said he does not want to be friends now and when HE feels like it he will call me. He said when his mental problems are fixed and HE feels like it he will do what he wants and if that mean calling me then that's what he will do. It is all about him but he can't accept that is self centeredness...he thinks it is mental issues (not been diagnosed yet but doctor says it could be just his personality and childhood issues) and blames everything on that and the fact he is not as strong as me. And he is 19...a mature teenager but in some sense still a child as he left school, does not go to uni and has no motivation in life. Whereas I am older, had a brilliant career in the hospital, had to leave due to illness but was getting my life around and was ok until I met him. I must say though that I do not regret as he gave me love and I fell in love for the first time and it was beautiful. I miss him so much. But I get strength from people like you who are going through and been through similar and worse situations. There is still hope. I wish you all the joy and happiness and hope you find that one person who gives you back the love you give to her. You deserve it..we all do. It's just to know when, how, with whom...viola! I am still sad and suffering...but taking people's advice and gone NC and it is sooooo hard but human beings survive no matter what..that is our natural instinct. Good luck to you! Nice people eventually get what they deserve..that is happiness and bad people get what they deserve too! Take care

[thatsonlyme]

Pain is good. It helps us become better people in the end. I hope you make it through sooner rather than later, but you certainly will.

I remember my first real heartbreak. It's just a faint memory now, but back then it was devastating. I was only 19, she was few years younger. Now we're facebook friends and I feel absolutely nothing for her. Even when I saw her last time, 5-6 years ago when I walked into a store where she was working (I didn't know that) and I felt nothing at all. I don't even care about being friends.

I don't think friendship can work in situations like this. Maybe in situations when both sides fall out of love and break up is a mutual agreement, but not if one is heartbroken. Btw my ex did try to put it that way, like we "talked about it and agreed". Yeah right. I did accept it but I never agreed.

 

Most people have some issues and I'm probably the same, but I think self centeredness is the worst thing for a relationship. I feel sorry for those people because I believe they are not capable of experiencing true happiness. I wanted to talk about this to my ex but then I realized it will make no difference. She may listen to me and even agree with me, but she will not care about what I have to say and will certainly not change. That's too bad because she has some great qualities and can be a very loving person when she feels like it.

 

It's funny, NC was not that hard on me because I was so convinced it will help me get her back. I believed she was gonna miss me, and she certainly did to some degree but that was just not enough to make her fall in love with me again.

 

Now that I realized who she really was it's a lot easier to let her go. Finding somebody else would definitely be helpful to get her off my mind completely.

When I analyze my pain now I can see that it's not her I'm missing, except maybe sexually. I miss the good times, feeling of being in love and being loved, I miss places where we used to go together, things we used to do together and I feel sad we will never go places and do things we planned to do. I feel alone and lonely and I know it will take some time before I can have somebody I love sleeping next to me. And I need that so much. I need that person I can snuggle at night, a person who will not leave in the morning, a person to share everything. I had that for such long time I can hardly remember what was the life like before that.

The biggest irony is that my ex probably misses the very same things right now. She's in a long distance relationship and she must feel lonely too.

That's funny and sad when you think about it, how many people feel the same in this very moment and all you and I have to do is to find those people! Sounds like a very simple task right.

I wish you all the best, you'll feel better, it will take some time and all you need to do is to stop harboring false hopes. It's easier said than done and I would be the biggest liar ever if I said I still don't hope somewhere deep on a subconscious level but I know now it's probably the same kind of hope terminally ill person may have that some miracle will happen and life will continue as usual. It happens only in fairy tales.

I've experienced my fairytale that winter night in Central Park, her and I alone, it just started snowing and there were no footprints in the snow except ours. It felt unreal, like the time has stopped, like all the people suddenly disappeared. She was so beautiful, she drew a heart with our names in the fresh snow. We wanted that moment to never end but it did. Just like everything else. This is my best memory of her and I'm crying as I'm writing this. If she could just feel the way she did back then she'd be back in a heartbeat. But she doesn't and she never will.

 

Now it's time to find somebody else and make new memories. After every heartbreak it only gets better and better. Every new person is better and better than previous one. My ex was nearly perfect but her emotional issues are too deep for me to understand.

[carhill]

OP, the good news is that time and life experience will make these recounts more brief and less painful.

 

My sympathies. You know what you know when you know it. Glad you're moving on. Lots of life to live

[Sambo]

We are ALL self centered !!!

 

We have to be to survive in this world it's just a fact of life.

 

The problem is not being self centered the problem is when it becomes extreme or when it starts to hurt other people.

 

Don't be mad because someone is taking care of their own best interests because that's a "Victim mentality" and it will not empower you.

 

The realization you should have is the woman was a bitch and just NOT the right woman for you.

 

Be Happy !

 

She's gone and she's someone elses problem now.

 

Happiness is an empowering emotion and happiness leads to more happiness.

[thatsonlyme]

We are all self centered to some degree. It's not about her taking care of her own interests I've realized that she actually never cared about my interests or feelings, even when we were in the relationship. That helped me understand why she handled break up the way she did. While we were still together I cared about her feelings and tried to give her support whenever she needed it.

 

Victim mentality or not, I'd broken up with my gf's before and always tried to make it less painful for them. Also there was always a cooling off period when it would become obvious that things are going south before break up.

She showed complete disregard for me as a person, let alone my feelings. She never gave me a slightest hint that this could be coming. Unless starting business together and planning to buy a condo was supposed to be a hint.

Add to that that the very same night she slept with another guy while I was drowning in my tears and a month later she was wondering why I took it so personally and how come I can't just get over it like nothing happened.

 

I do agree with the last part though. She was definitely a b***h!

[Sambo]

We are all self centered to some degree. It's not about her taking care of her own interests I've realized that she actually never cared about my interests or feelings, even when we were in the relationship. That helped me understand why she handled break up the way she did. While we were still together I cared about her feelings and tried to give her support whenever she needed it.

 

Victim mentality or not, I'd broken up with my gf's before and always tried to make it less painful for them. Also there was always a cooling off period when it would become obvious that things are going south before break up.

She showed complete disregard for me as a person, let alone my feelings. She never gave me a slightest hint that this could be coming. Unless starting business together and planning to buy a condo was supposed to be a hint.

Add to that that the very same night she slept with another guy while I was drowning in my tears and a month later she was wondering why I took it so personally and how come I can't just get over it like nothing happened.

 

I do agree with the last part though. She was definitely a b***h!

 

 

And your not happy ???

 

Buddy !

 

You just dodged a speeding bullet.

 

You could have wasted 10 or 20 years.

 

What do you think she's going to do to the next guy or the guy she's married too ?

 

If I were you, I would be on my knee's in prayer and thankfulness.

[thatsonlyme]

I should be happy. But I'm not.

 

I'm trying to think about her negative side, but positive somehow still prevails.

I think its not about her anymore though. It's just the fact that I messed up my social life while we were together and now I have to start from nothing. I have very few hang out friends on my own and to be honest I'm not really excited about the dating game. I'm not kind of guy who naturally loves to flirt and on top of that I tried to reduce contact with opposite sex to a bare minimum over these 5 years. I was a fool I know but now I got to the point where I don't feel comfortable around unknown women.

 

This new found freedom doesn't feel like freedom at all! Yes, I can do whatever I want, but some things require a lot more work now. I'm not talking just about the sex. I love to travel and I never traveled alone. Getting friends to go with me is not that easy, matching schedules, money issues and such. With her it was so easy and I loved it. Now I feel stuck. All this while she's enjoying every single day of her life.

 

Yeah I really do feel sorry for her next guy. She can be so sweet and loving, she can definitely make a person feel loved but once she's done with you she can make you regret being ever born. I'm secretly hoping that this new guy is better than me and he'll get her off her high horse. Somebody eventually will. It's not gonna make any difference for me though.

 

The only good thing about her still being somewhat around is that it gives me will to live and fight. Without it I'd probably just sink deeper into depression. I fight because I don't want her to see me all broken and miserable. I'll succeed because I want her to see that I can do much better without her. I know those stupid reasons, but they are better than no reasons for the time being. I know she doesn't even care about it, I don't even think she wishes anything bad upon me, but it would definitely feed her ego seeing me all messed up.

Well I'll make my business grow, rebuild my social life, have more money, better car and better and hotter girl. She can eat her heart out! The only thing is, by the time this all happens I won't even care about what she thinks. Ah well, at least I'll be happy. And nothing would make me happier than seeing her crawling back once I'm completely over it.