golfinggirlmw Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 HI All Before I start please let me say that I am well aware that what I am doing is completely immoral and against everything I have ever believed in and is obviously why I am reaching out to people here for advice. I am in desperate need of guidance from someone who knows where I'm coming from. My hope is that my story will allow you to see my side and to help me to get to where I need to be. Please try not to judge me, I have done nothing but that for the last year myself. I am in my 40's, married for 20 years with 3 children. I got married when I was 25 after 5 years of dating while we were both in University. Marriage seemed like the next step and although there were several red flags, I was happy and felt that I was doing the right thing in marrying my spouse. after all, why start over again? So life went on with jobs and kids and trials and tribulations and through it all I was in a state of belief that this is what life was about and dealing with deaths and illnesses and inlaws and all that goes with marriage was normal. In the last 5 years my relationship with my Husband has become very much a brother sister type of relationship and I knew I was beginning to fall out of love with him as far as a spouse goes. Again, I accepted this and we just continued on battling over my low sex drive and lack of affection. I can't tell you how many therapists, doctors and homeopaths I have seen to try to rectify this. Everyone saying the same thing that it was not a physical problem but an emotional one. It seemed that all of the accepting of unacceptable situations had finally caught up with me. This was just the way it would be. Until 2 years ago. I inadvertantly came into contact with a high school boyfriend (also married) who I greatly adored back then but was just not ready to begin dating seriously at the time. I was very shy and immature and had a fairly low self esteem. When things began to progress in our relationship, I got scared and bailed. Needless to say, the highschool crush ended and we both moved on. I never however forgot him because as my life moved on and I began dating, I always remembered how incredibly kind and gentle a person he was and compared everyone to him. When I finally met my husband in University, he was the closest I had come and so it began. Now since reconnecting with my high school sweetheart we have chatted many times and even decided to meet and have coffee. All very harmless. Things over the past 2 years have drastically changed. We have both shared all of our marriage woes and in doing so have actually realized that we both want exactly the same thing. We just want a simple life full of love and peace while both our spouses crave the material things and define success accordingly. As you can imagine, over the last two years our relationship has progressed and after much deliberation we over stepped our boundaries and took our relationship to the next level. The guilt has been overwhelming for both of us but the truth remains that we have had numerous opportunities in our marriage to be unfaithful and yet we had chosen not to until we found each other. I am absolutely head over heels in love as is he. We both have discussed that we never knew that this type of love existed and how we could have gone on our whole lives never experiencing it. We are now in the process of trying to figure out how to make the next move. Our spouses and my children are of the greatest concern to us and I desperately need someone to guide me along the way. I would prefer to make the break without anyone knowing about the affair so that the devastation can be minimized. I believe that my husband is not happy either but just doesn't realize this. I know there is someone out there that will be able to accept his domineering personality and wants the same things in life that he does. I know I am making the right decision. I have been sure of this for the last 2 years but now it is time to actually consider doing it and I honestly have no idea where to even start. I have no Mom and Dad alive and my Brother would support me in any way he could but he of course is unaware of my situation too. I have nowhere to turn and am pleading with someone who has been in my shoes to please tell me what to do. Thank you so much for your support.
whichwayisup Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 I'm not judging you, but why on earth would you throw away your marriage, all that history without even talking to your husband? GO to marriage counselling, ALLOW HIM the chance to reconnect with you, you with him. It takes two. I believe that my husband is not happy either but just doesn't realize this. Have you asked him? Don't leave your husband for this so-called past flame, married man. Chances are very high that he isn't really going to leave his wife, and I doubt very much that you truly want to bust up your family in hopes for a new life with someone else. The grass may look greener, but is it? Life is good when you're having an affair..Fairytale and all is good, no fighting, no real life and crap hitting you.. Just selfish pleasure on the expense of your husband and your MM's wife. Again, I'm not judging you, but I am harsh. Sorry. It's your choice, but I think throwing away your marriage for someone from past, someone that you haven't seen or spoken to in years, and really don't know well, only know what he's told you and shown you now, is a HUGE MISTAKE, one that you may regret one day. For all you know things are FINE at home and he's just being purely selfish by having an affair with you.
Author golfinggirlmw Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 First off. I love you screen name. I feel like that every day lately. I guess after re reading my post as long winded as I was I really never got across that there has always been issues in my marriage. I have gone to counseling for years. His attitude is that once both go, then the marriage might as well be over. He comes from an old school family which has also been an issue for us. I don't have enough time or room to tell you all the events I have endured over the years but to sum it up, my life has basically been to cater to him and his narcissistic personality. It's always about him and even when I have issues, he always somehow turns it to be about him. Again, this has been 5 or so years in the making and I have only been in touch with my ex for the past 2. We were having trouble long before I re connected and as I said had several opportunities to cheat but the thought never crossed my mind. There was never a question for me on whether or not he would leave his wife. It's a given with or without me but he too is trying to minimize the damage. We have often spoken of what we would do if we didn't end up together and we are both sure that our marriages would end. I can understand that you think that I am caught up in a fantasy but to be very honest. In the end I will give up the big house, the fancy cars and all the other material things that I have grown accustomed to if I leave. The simplicity in my new life is probably one of the biggest decisions for me. I know that it will affect my children's lives but in the long run I believe they will be better off for it. They have only known taking and never giving because of my Husband and his family and I look forward to teaching them the joy in both worlds. Again, I appreciate you taking the time to reply to my thread and I will never be able to completely convince you of my life but I can assure you that my life has drastically changed for the better since re connecting.
whichwayisup Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Different approach then. Be honest with him now before you go ahead with this affair and take it to the next level. Tell him that the marriage IS falling apart and that you're unhappy. That you assume he's unhappy too since he isn't willing to work with you to fix the marriage, make it more exciting. Tell him that you've reconnected with a past flame and you're confused about everything. TRUST ME, he WILL react. Maybe this is what your marriage needs, unless you truly are ready to throw in towel. Yeah but everything is under the false setting. An affair setting..It's different than an open and public relationship. What if you divorce and your MM doesn't? Are you OK with that? Okay with being alone? Also, don't expect your kids to warm up to another man if you do divorce your H. Make sure there is a long time frame before you even introduce a new person into your kids lives. You're welcome. Hope some others put their 2 cents in too!
lkjh Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Shocker another midlife crisis that involved completely selfish behavior. Look your OM does not love you. When this gets discovered(and it will) he is going to throw you under the bus and tell everyone that you are a crazy stalker. You have betrayed your husband and family. If you have a son just imagine one day if his wife does the same to him. What would you think of her? either confess or divorce. If you divorce do it with a little dignity and don't rob your husband blind
lkjh Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Your story has been told here hundreds of time and it always ends in misery for everyone. Your husband will be destroyed(mostly because he will probably find out in a horrible way), your kids are going to lose respect for you, you will lose respect for yourself, and the OM will run back to his wife Use your brain not your emotions
lkjh Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 There is no happy ending to this story. You will not be able to divorce your H without him finding out. And if you think there is a way for you to move on with your life with your lover and family you are crazy. Do you really think that is possible And that line about "your H not being happy but he just doesn't realize is it" is complete selfish bulls***. You are trying to justify you leaving him for another man. You should have divorced before you started banging your ex married bf
lee777 Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 WOW ... more self-centered behavior. WTF makes people cheat on their families? I guess these people are bad decesion makers ... they married the wrong spouses, and it's always the same excuse "I can't help myself". Outrageous!
Iconoclast Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 This has about a 90-95% chance of ending in a big flaming pile of hurt for all, the children too. How do you do it? Why not try the truth. remember what that was? Tell you husband, "I am having an affair, and I want a divorce, i'm moving out tomorrow". lkjh is exactly right, i've read your story hundreds of times and the outcome is always bad.
2.50 a gallon Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Whichwayisup is spot on with his advice about the children not meeting the OM for a long time. Does your fantasy world include your children bringing the grandchildren by for the holidays? The truth is you are taking a big risk at losing the respect of your children, forever. It has been my experience, that in most cases the children when they reach adult hood will blame one of the parents for breaking up their family. This blame usually falls on the cheating spouse. You are running a high percentage risk that with alienation your children will have nothing to do with you, and that especially means you seeing your grandchildren A few months back I told the story of Grandma M, who lived in my old apartment complex. Grandma M's favorite part of the day was when the kids got out of school a block away, she would sit out on her patio and greet them all as they came home from school. Grandma M told the story that her grandchildren lived out of state and that is why she adopted the local kids. It just so happens that I went to high school with her son, she had met her OM and divorced his father. Most of her grandchildren and great grandchilren lived in town, and she had never seen them. She passed away not knowing that her great great grand daughter had been born in a hospital about 2 miles away from her apartment. My advice, is if you are unhappy in your marriage, get a divorce. And if you want your grandchildren in your life, the safest thing you can do is to cut off the OM forever. I have seen this happen in about half of the marriage where the spouse cheats. If you don't believe me, ask my XBIL, until two summers ago, when his youngest daughter finally married, he hadn't seen his two grandchildren since the day they were baptized, and the oldest his grandson was then a senior in high school
karnak Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Regardless of the outcome of all this story, she should divorce her husband. Her marriage is a lie, now. Perhaps it always was, since the beginning (though she didn't want to admit that). Cheating is inconceivable. As soem people in LS would write, you're either IN or OUT. Live a life of love with your husband, or get a divorce and let your husband find someone who can love him for real.
2sure Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 The first thing both you and your MM have to do is speak to lawyers so that you know for sure that the logistics alone will allow you to divorce . Many people find out that after 20 years of marriage, even though they are in love with someone else...that love is not enough to give up a 20 year marriage and instead decide to rebuild the marriage. Especially men for some reason. Next, you will have to tell your spouses that you want a divorce and why. Telling them you have someone else or not will not make it easier for them. After a lifetime together there is just no way to distort the facts of their life to make it easier on you. If you decide not to divorce for whatever reason, you will not be able to rebuild your marriages if you are still in contact with your affair partner. As special and wonderful you believe this re-found love is...you have to consider the very real fact that this type of relationship at this time of your life and your marriage is very cliché. You both have to add some facts and realities to the basic logistics of life before you can even know that you love each other enough to actually make it real love.
UnifiedFieldTheory Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 We have much in common... except I have not been intimate with my lover from University - over 30 years ago. Short story... she contacted me we e-mailed and spoke twice on the phone. I told her we shouldn't have contact any more and we haven't. I know she's in a failing marriage, and she knows I am. I have been in marriage counseling for years. It's helped me a lot with my own issues, but has done very little for the actual marriage. What my situation has told me is that I can't live with my wife of 25 years any more. After a few short conversations with my college lover, I realized that a relationship could be better than what I have come to accept in my marriage. It may be with my former love - it may not. I don't know how that will work - if that will work. For all I know now, she's managed to fix her marriage and will stay where she is. My wife and I have discussed divorce. It will probably ruin me financially. It doesn't matter to me anymore, because I know there's a better way. I'm not going to tell you what to do. I'm not going to judge you. I think we all need to be true to ourselves and true to others. I am glad that I did not see nor was I intimate with my former love. God I wanted to - I can tell you that. My remorse is more for the devastating affect a divorce will have on my wife. She had an affair long ago, and has never been able to forgive herself for it. I've moved on. I've accepted her mistake as really bad judgement. She will probably see our impending divorce as the result of her affair, but it's not. Our relationship has run its course - and there's nothing left to nourish love anymore. It's that simple. I wish peace and luck for you and your family.
Recommended Posts