luvtoto Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 Vaguely put...every guy I've dated seriously (only 4 guys) over the last ten years (highly commitment phobic men, I must add) have gotten married within a year or sooner afer breaking up with me. This just dawned on me today. I'm feeling really down-hearted tonight. I'm not a negative person. This kind of negativity is something I hide from people. Just throwing a small pity party tonight. Wtf is wrong with me?
Author luvtoto Posted September 30, 2010 Author Posted September 30, 2010 I need to become more laid back when it comes to relationships and dating in general. No more asking where this relationship is going. No more expecting anything from any man. No more expectations. period. I guess.
Mad Max Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 it's gotta be just coincidence No it's not. It can happen to anyone once, perhaps even twice. Once it gets to 3 times and even more than that, then something is up.
Author luvtoto Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 No it's not. It can happen to anyone once, perhaps even twice. Once it gets to 3 times and even more than that, then something is up. Have you had experience with this? How do I change if I have no idea what I'm doing wrong.
Mad Max Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Have you had experience with this? How do I change if I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. It's common sense. It can happen to anyone. Some people do break up and get married within a short period of time. It happens. But, every guy you were involved with has done this. Could be a few possibilities. I'm willing to bet that with each guy, you were the OW.
Author luvtoto Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 it's gotta be just coincidence Thank you, paleblue. That was a sweet thing to say, but we both know it's not true.
Author luvtoto Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 It's common sense. It can happen to anyone. Some people do break up and get married within a short period of time. It happens. But, every guy you were involved with has done this. Could be a few possibilities. I'm willing to bet that with each guy, you were the OW. Well, hmmm...at the end of the relationship, I was definitely the other woman. Every guy had moved on before the relationship was over! Pretty sad, huh? This negativity feels so weird. But, I'm just trying to work through the feelings and not ignore them. Ya know? Thank you for your advice, Mad Max.
paleblue Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Then it's got something to do with the OP's personality you mean? Luvtoto whats up? Do you feel like you have huge expectations or are overly possessive or something? What do you mean you need to become more laid back?
Mad Max Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Well, hmmm...at the end of the relationship, I was definitely the other woman. Every guy had moved on before the relationship was over! Pretty sad, huh? This negativity feels so weird. But, I'm just trying to work through the feelings and not ignore them. Ya know? Thank you for your advice, Mad Max. There's your answer.
Author luvtoto Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 Yes, I see where you are getting at. Yes, the relationship ended because of another women. But, how the heck did I get to that point? AND why did each guys claim to be comittment phobic? Why do I bring the commitment phobic-ness out in men?!?!?
Mad Max Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Yes, I see where you are getting at. Yes, the relationship ended because of another women. Pretty sure each relationship ended that way. But, how the heck did I get to that point? AND why did each guys claim to be comittment phobic? They had a GF/wife and they weren't going to dump them. That's why they claimed that. I'm pretty surprised you didn't even suspect something was up. Why do I bring the commitment phobic-ness out in men?!?!? This would involve vibes and how you come across to other men. Since I don't know you personally, I can't say what it is. But, it's apparent you attract cheaters.
Tony T Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Why do I bring the commitment phobic-ness out in men?!?!? First of all, men don't like to be asked where a relationship is going. How the hell are they supposed to know? Be more relaxed and don't give a damned so much. You'll find things go lots better for you.
Author luvtoto Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 First of all, men don't like to be asked where a relationship is going. How the hell are they supposed to know? Be more relaxed and don't give a damned so much. You'll find things go lots better for you. Yep. So, a woman should NEVER ask a guy where the relationship is going? Don't I have a right to know this? Don't I have a right to ask this?
Author luvtoto Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 I've tried the "I don't give a damn" approach. Recently started dating again after a six years. Have had the attitude where I just don't give a ****. Just wanna go out and have a good time!!!! That just got me into a power struggle with a guy. He was like, I'm relaxed and not desperate... Then, I was like, NO. I don't give a ****... Then...he tried to prove how he didn't give a ****. I ended up dumping him. Just all too exhausting. Typical game playing crap.
spriggig Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 ...This negativity feels so weird. But, I'm just trying to work through the feelings and not ignore them. Ya know? I'm not a negative person. This kind of negativity is something I hide from people. Do you fake being happy even when you're not? Many people find that very annoying--and yes, people can tell. You must be honest, especially with your mates.
Author luvtoto Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 Do you fake being happy even when you're not? Many people find that very annoying--and yes, people can tell. You must be honest, especially with your mates. I've suffered from clinical depression my entire life. I take medication, and I have to choose to have no time for negativity in my life. Went out this weekend with some new friends. Today, I found out they thought I was a riot and want me to go out again. It's just that dating triggers my depression & anxiety. During those six years I didn't date, I was perfectly fine!! So, why does dating trigger my depression & anxiety?
Author luvtoto Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 I'm just talking in circles. Geez, I just feel like crap tonight.
bonpaw2008 Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Sorry about this Luv, I know how you feel. I seem to have a "pattern" when picking men. I have always looked for the "fixer-uppers" that have problems and issues, because it makes me feel better about myself when I am helping someone else (and not focusing on my own issues). I have tried to fix this by picking someone exactly the opposite of who I am attracted to but it never works out. So now I am just working on my self, having fun, and if I fix myself maybe I will choose a person that is actually worthy of me, not someone that has to be fixed or doesn't give a ****. Good luck sweetie
Anela Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 I wish I could remember the blog post or article that I read about this same thing happening to other women - the guy dumping them, only to get married to another within a year or so. for the most part, it had nothing to do with the women, and more about the man's state of mind at the time, concerning marriage.
carhill Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 OP, when you're in the talk-therapy portion of your treatment, share your perspective offered here with your psychologist. Mine helped with the concept of people-picking (he didn't call it that, rather talked about compatibility) and helped me see that, indeed, I was picking incompatible people, repeatedly. It was no one's 'fault', but my responsibility to see with better eyes and choose differently. My experiences were in MC but I think your points are well-taken and worthy of discussion with a professional. IMO, there's no reason you cannot have a healthy and satisfying romantic relationship and potential marriage. Good luck
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