I'm a mess and I don't know why

[megapatel]

I just turned 26 a few weeks ago and have been single for 6 years. I've been pretty okay with being single for the most part but for the past year, have been pondering if I'd ever actually meet anyone.

 

One of the reasons it has been this way is due to my living situation. I live on the outskirts of a small city and rely 100% on public transportation to get anywhere. Therefore, I've been resigned to just focus on school and have a minimal social life outside due to this limitation. Unfortunately, this issue isn't easily changeable due to my current financial situation and I've grown to accept that. However, I do regularly feel like I've been missing out on having a fuller life, one with great reliable friends, things to do on the weekends, and chances to grow as a person.

 

I was a bridesmaid at a wedding this summer (in a different state) and after hanging out with one of her out-of-town cousins a bit, he began making it a point to pursue me. At first I was wary, as I thought he was just like all the other guys I'd been meeting that were only interested in hooking up (which I was joking around with him about prior). But then he said that if I moved to Calgary, Canada, where he lived, he'd date me and then he kissed me, and it felt nice to feel like there was finally somewhere out there that was attracted to the whole package rather than just out to get laid. (We didn't have sex.)

 

At the end of the wedding weekend, we parted ways without telling anyone what had happened even though people suspected it. He gave me one final kiss on the lips in secret before he left. I was sad to see him go, but was okay with the thought of never talking to him again since he lived in a completely different country. Then I came back home too and started moving on with my life until... he called me from Canada.

 

We started skyping regularly, texting on occasion, and he'd call when he got the chance. He would tell me that he has a very full social life and so he just doesn't have much free time and I was okay with that because I wasn't necessarily used to having someone to talk/see every single day anyways.

 

Well, a month passed by and I realized I had a 3 week break from school and also a free plane ticket to use. We had already talked about my visiting him in Calgary because he'd always talk about how great it is. So I went for a week, which was coincidentally the week of my birthday.

 

He was really sweet about making my birthday feel special. He unfortunately had a lot of social engagements (fundraisers, family stuff) the day of, but the night before he made sure I had fun since I had told him before that my birthdays were normally spent being alone and doing nothing particularly interesting.

 

However, as the week progressed I found myself stuck in a routine with him. I was staying with his friend in town since he still lives with his parents (cultural reasons, not financial). He'd swing by after work while I spent the day sightseeing on my own, we'd spend some time alone for an hour or two, and then we'd go grab dinner/hang out with his friends, after which he'd drop me off and go home. Even my last night there. I even told him at one point that I could see how much he enjoys the single life as he had expressed before since he has such a great life with his friends and family and no time.

 

After dropping me off the last night, he messaged me saying that he was sorry that he didn't have more time to spend with me. And I just said its okay, I understand. Then I saw him briefly the day I was leaving and he was telling me how busy of a workday it was and he was hoping he'd had the chance to come and see me before I left, but I kind of cut him off saying that it was okay and smiled.

 

Then I fly home and don't really hear from him. I let him know when I landed, and he said good and that we'd talk later. Later never came. I thought that maybe he felt bad that I didn't have a great time in Calgary and withdrew from me a bit so I sent him a sweet message asking him when we will skype again and he said "of course. maybe in a few days," but he never followed through. I even messaged him on the day of and he read my message but never replied and hasn't replied since. It has been nearly a week and nothing.

 

I don't think he's acting like this because there is probably another girl since he has been accused of being gay by his friends for not ever being interested in girls other than me. And his friend even had a "talk" with me on my birthday telling me to never break his heart blah blah.

 

I just can't believe I finally put my heart out there for once and feel so heartbroken for some reason. I wasn't even expecting for it to go anywhere with him, but then he started calling me. I'm generally an extremely guarded person and I felt like I got burned once I put my guard down after all these years. What do I do?

Edited September 30, 2010 by megapatel

[Crazy4what]

living in a small town makes it much harder, I guess the trick is keeping your mind off it.

 

Have you thought about traveling? maybe go visit other country?

 

When I was single 10 yrs ago I use to travel by myself and stays in a hotel alone hehe, lone-wolf kinda. (but you'll meet people along the way) in my case.... escorts... lol. I may start doing it again since I just got separated.... Really crazy what feelings can do to you.