No contact hinders moving on (!)

[RDawg]

Sometimes when a relationship ends on "good terms" ie. where there hasn't been cheating or abuse the dumper will give the dumpee the usual nonsense reasons such as "I love you but I don't want to be in a relationship at this stage in my life", or "We both need space to work on ourselves", the usual "it's not you, it's me" stuff, because no one wants to say to their current lover, hey, Know what? I've fallen out of love with you, time for you to go.

 

The dumpee, if they have been exposed to the right advice, and if they have sufficient self control, then goes into NC. Because they've been lurking on Love Shack they know that NC is not about getting your ex back, it's for you to heal.. BUT, at the back of their minds they still think their ex may have feelings for them and they harbour the slimmest of hope for a reconciliation. This can go on for months and months.. Is my ex missing me they wonder, will today be the day my ex contacts me?

 

Well folks, theres one way to end the doubt and the false hope. Contact your ex. Repeadtedly! Get up in their grill, stalk them if necessary and eventually they will get so sick of you they will tell you straight, I don't want you, I never loved you, it was infatuation, and guess what? It wore off! Now get off my property before I call security!

 

And voila! Closure. Ok, now you can go NC..

[Shadowburn]

Sometimes when a relationship ends on "good terms" ie. where there hasn't been cheating or abuse the dumper will give the dumpee the usual nonsense reasons such as "I love you but I don't want to be in a relationship at this stage in my life", or "We both need space to work on ourselves", the usual "it's not you, it's me" stuff, because no one wants to say to their current lover, hey, Know what? I've fallen out of love with you, time for you to go.

 

The dumpee, if they have been exposed to the right advice, and if they have sufficient self control, then goes into NC. Because they've been lurking on Love Shack they know that NC is not about getting your ex back, it's for you to heal.. BUT, at the back of their minds they still think their ex may have feelings for them and they harbour the slimmest of hope for a reconciliation. This can go on for months and months.. Is my ex missing me they wonder, will today be the day my ex contacts me?

 

Well folks, theres one way to end the doubt and the false hope. Contact your ex. Repeadtedly! Get up in their grill, stalk them if necessary and eventually they will get so sick of you they will tell you straight, I don't want you, I never loved you, it was infatuation, and guess what? It wore off! Now get off my property before I call security!

 

And voila! Closure. Ok, now you can go NC..

 

ROFL....Yeah, or you can keep whatever's left of your self-esteem and dignity and go NC right away.

[jeff2321]

I don't have any self esteem at this point because it went up in smoke the day my ex moved out of our house after living together for 2.5 years.

 

Right now I'm barely coping at all... My entire life purpose is gone and I do not know what to do.

[McGrupp]

you know what OP i clicked on your thread ready to tear into you but i think there is a huge amount of truth to what you said.

 

really most chick dumpers are vague and we think if we act aloof they will come back.

 

but you know what? no.

 

and sometimes you need them to say to your face something similair for you to be like ok enough is enough.

[Fouts]

Alot of truth there.

 

People's ego just can't accept the fact they got dumped, quite simply because the dumper doesn't want them in their life anymore.

 

They actually believe the considerate excuse (I need space, it's not you it's me, the timing just wasn't right) and keep pining and contacting the person to get them back and not be a dumpee anymore.

 

It continues on until finally the person tells them to stop, which is then even more crushing for their self-esteem. It's a vicious cycle that some people will never conquer. Just read alot of the threads on here.

[buckeye]

You know there is some truth in this. After 26 years of marriage (the last 10 not so good), I was the dumpee. She said after the dissolution if we find ourselves being friends again maybe there can be a future.

 

I thought WTF! why would I want to be with someone who didn't want me? I went NC, but often find myself wondering if there would be the slimmest chance.

 

It;s been 2 months since the final papers were signed. Out of the blue I got an e-mail 2 weeks ago from her. It was a copy of an e-mail I had sent in June saying I know the lion's share of this is my fault. (I withdrew didn't communicate ext.). The only thing she said was "I just read this, don't know how I missed it in June."

 

I replied does it make any difference at this point. There was no reply. I sometimes wonder if she was trying to open a door or just rub my face in it.

 

I know I will see her at a friends wedding in two weeks. I am debating asking her why she sent it.

 

Maybe you're right about getting closing by talking again.

[bonpaw2008]

I don't agree. You should have heard all those things when they broke up with you. Stalking them and making them hate you enough to tell you those terrible things will only harm you. Create your own closure, find reasons why this break-up is for the best, and move on. They are not part of it anymore, stop making them a star player when they took themselves out of the game.

[rattled]

I don't agree. You should have heard all those things when they broke up with you. Stalking them and making them hate you enough to tell you those terrible things will only harm you. Create your own closure, find reasons why this break-up is for the best, and move on. They are not part of it anymore, stop making them a star player when they took themselves out of the game.

 

+1

 

Although I agree that this method will probably work exactly how the OP intends it to unfold, I highly recommend against it!

 

From experience. I made it my business to break contact and go full force into it "fighting" for her back (minus the stalking). Spent 8 hours straight on the phone with her and kept hitting walls. She even asked me "what are you trying to achieve?" and I told her "fighting, until you either a. cave or b. just finally reject me 110% and get totally sick of me (she literally got sick of me and felt nauseous from talking about it for so long)". At the end of the phone call I felt okay. There's nothing more I could do but move on. Good right? NO.

 

A month later I resent the fact that I did that because now I gave her reason to tell mutual friends that I was obsessive, probably a bit of a basket case for making her stay on the phone with me for 8 straight hours; probably gave her a huge ego boost; and gave her every reason to move on quicker because her ex is a psycho; It changed the way people perceived who I was because they thought I couldn't handle it.

Had I not been so forward with breaking contact like that I would of retained some dignity. In all ways I felt I lost more than I needed to.

Edited October 1, 2010 by rattled

[Shadowburn]

+1

 

Although I agree that this method will probably work exactly how the OP intends it to unfold, I highly recommend against it!

 

From experience. I made it my business to break contact and go full force into it "fighting" for her back (minus the stalking). Spent 8 hours straight on the phone with her and kept hitting walls. She even asked me "what are you trying to achieve?" and I told her "fighting, until you either a. cave or b. just finally reject me 110% and get totally sick of me (she literally got sick of me and felt nauseous from talking about it for so long)". At the end of the phone call I felt okay. There's nothing more I could do but move on. Good right? NO.

 

A month later I resent the fact that I did that because now I gave her reason to tell mutual friends that I was obsessive, probably a bit of a basket case for making her stay on the phone with me for 8 straight hours; probably gave her a huge ego boost; and gave her every reason to move on quicker because her ex is a psycho; It changed the way people perceived who I was because they thought I couldn't handle it.

Had I not been so forward with breaking contact like that I would of retained some dignity. In all ways I felt I lost more than I needed to.

 

That was exactly my point too. You don't want the dumper remember you like a psycho, and don't want to be embarrassed remembering how you acted yourself.

 

Also, I think it is disrespectful. The other person told you they want out of the relationship. Reasons do not matter, and you have to be bigger person and respect their wishes and leave them alone for good. The end.

[Cee]

Here's my horror story about how my ex "contacted" me post breakup.

 

When I was 21, I dated a guy for 2 months and I was never that into him. I went away to a week long conference and kissed a guy. While I was away, my then BF dropped by my place and was asking my house mates about me. They thought it was strange.

 

When I returned from trip, I broke up with him and gave the usual non-compatibility reasons. Which was completely true, but I left out the part about the guy b/c it wasn't relevant.

 

About 2 weeks post breakup, my ex came unannounced to my house and was screaming that I had cheated on him. My ex went into my office computer (he was a volunteer there and had access) and read a note I wrote mentioning the guy. He didn't understand it was creepy that he would snoop through my personal computer files. He was the wounded party.

 

Then for months he started bad mouthing me to our mutual friends and told everybody (including a guy I had a crush on) that I gave him crabs. I was mortified.

 

The aftermath of this two month relationship left a bad taste in my mouth for years.

 

My take on NC... In 99.9% of cases it's the best way.

[1Angel]

If there is any dumping going on that person will not be getting another chance with me. See ya.

[bonpaw2008]

+1

 

Although I agree that this method will probably work exactly how the OP intends it to unfold, I highly recommend against it!

 

From experience. I made it my business to break contact and go full force into it "fighting" for her back (minus the stalking). Spent 8 hours straight on the phone with her and kept hitting walls. She even asked me "what are you trying to achieve?" and I told her "fighting, until you either a. cave or b. just finally reject me 110% and get totally sick of me (she literally got sick of me and felt nauseous from talking about it for so long)". At the end of the phone call I felt okay. There's nothing more I could do but move on. Good right? NO.

 

A month later I resent the fact that I did that because now I gave her reason to tell mutual friends that I was obsessive, probably a bit of a basket case for making her stay on the phone with me for 8 straight hours; probably gave her a huge ego boost; and gave her every reason to move on quicker because her ex is a psycho; It changed the way people perceived who I was because they thought I couldn't handle it.

Had I not been so forward with breaking contact like that I would of retained some dignity. In all ways I felt I lost more than I needed to.

 

Exactly, be a bigger person. I know that rejection is hard to accept but work on it within yourself, and learn how to not need that re-assurance from someone else.

[charliecharlie]

Right, grab your dignity and don't contact the dumper! Even when it gets bad and you feel out of control, don't do it!

My ex bf dumped me after a few months, for trust issues on his part. I worked hard to get him back and it worked. I thought things were going the right way untill he dumped me again. I guess he was bored and maybe even seeing someone else. I have gone NC untill today. It's his birthday and I sent him a text to wish him a nice day, because after all we had a 1-year relationship. And he sent back "thanks, I sure will". That's it. Something in me was still hoping for some kind of compassion, or interest on his part asking me how I was doing, but he didn't. It only makes you feel worse. While NC is very hard sometimes, having the door slammed in your face again will only destroy your dignity.

And if there happens to be a chance of the other person thinking about you, wondering how you are doing, and contacting you, it will be when you least expect it and probably after they have been dumped by someone, and they are feeling lonely and full of selfpity.

Don't make yourself look like a psycho ex, be the bigger person and maybe someday they will come around, but you will be so over them.

At least then you'll still have your dignity. If you go stalking them it will be gone down the drain and so will they. You don't want to be remembered that way, do you?

[buckeye]

You all have very good points on staying with N/C! Thank you for the pep talk!

[rattled]

As I have reiterated many times in other threads on my thoughts on NC, if you want to break NC make sure you do it after given it some REAL and UNBIASED thought, with no expectations, no emotional baggage, and most of all with rationale!

 

I don't recommend being all Spartan solider-like and run in with guns blazing just so you can THINK you look like a hero (because it most certainly won't). I'm an advocate of NC but I can vouch for scenarios where it might be okay to break it given some thought.

[RDawg]

I started this thread to spark a bit of debate but also as a confession. I guess when my ex caught me drunk at 5am on her porch having a smoke she had to tell me that she doesn't love me. I didn't mean to get caught, I was there for purely sentimental reasons.. good grief.

 

It's been 5 months since the breakup and I haven't been very good about sticking to NC. I would have been better off had I stuck to NC, both for myself and any future interactions with the ex.

 

As things stand at the moment I've agreed to not contacting her till November. It will be nice if she agrees to go for a drink and maybe I can restore some lost dignity.

[Perhaps]

Don't necessarily agree, but to be fair, I harrassed my ex until she turned into a not-so-nice girl to me. I think subconsciously I wanted that. I had to run it into the ground to smash her angel-like picture. And you know what? It worked. But it's not for everyone. Most people are better off going NC and moving on. This kamikaze approach is for the few.

[Cee]

I started this thread to spark a bit of debate but also as a confession. I guess when my ex caught me drunk at 5am on her porch having a smoke she had to tell me that she doesn't love me. I didn't mean to get caught, I was there for purely sentimental reasons.. good grief.

 

It's been 5 months since the breakup and I haven't been very good about sticking to NC. I would have been better off had I stuck to NC, both for myself and any future interactions with the ex.

 

As things stand at the moment I've agreed to not contacting her till November. It will be nice if she agrees to go for a drink and maybe I can restore some lost dignity.

 

It's concerning that you still talk about contacting your ex and spending time with her "as friends." I think talking to a counselor might help. It sounds like you're in a lot of pain and could use some support.

 

There's a saying about people curing a headache with a hammer. Your grief is the headache and contacting the ex is the hammer. Good luck.

[summerl0vesyou]

The dumpee, if they have been exposed to the right advice, and if they have sufficient self control, then goes into NC. Because they've been lurking on Love Shack they know that NC is not about getting your ex back, it's for you to heal.. BUT, at the back of their minds they still think their ex may have feelings for them and they harbour the slimmest of hope for a reconciliation. This can go on for months and months.. Is my ex missing me they wonder, will today be the day my ex contacts me?

 

Well folks, theres one way to end the doubt and the false hope. Contact your ex. Repeadtedly! Get up in their grill, stalk them if necessary and eventually they will get so sick of you they will tell you straight, I don't want you, I never loved you, it was infatuation, and guess what? It wore off! Now get off my property before I call security!

 

And voila! Closure. Ok, now you can go NC..

 

hahahaha. Omg.

So I did NC at first for the most part.then i started trying to text him and he has done pretty much what u said the ex will do when they are annoyed as hell at you.

Guess what? I still love him, I still suffer, I feel even more stupid for contacting him and making an ass of myself, and on top of it i STILL think "oh hes not over it, hell come around"...HAHA...classic denial.

 

Moral of the story? You're screwed either way.

[summerl0vesyou]

Don't necessarily agree, but to be fair, I harrassed my ex until she turned into a not-so-nice girl to me. I think subconsciously I wanted that. I had to run it into the ground to smash her angel-like picture. And you know what? It worked. But it's not for everyone. Most people are better off going NC and moving on. This kamikaze approach is for the few.

 

i wish it worked for me too. my ex has been a straight up a-hole and I still love him and think of our time together. its not who he is now, hell he probly has always been this way and I never knew it then. but I loved last year....ignorance was bliss man

[Perhaps]

i wish it worked for me too. my ex has been a straight up a-hole and I still love him and think of our time together. its not who he is now, hell he probly has always been this way and I never knew it then. but I loved last year....ignorance was bliss man

 

It's hard to overwrite that picture your mind has engraved in your.. well, mind. But it is what it is. Realization isn't something you wake up with one day. It's a process. It can take years. Realize that it is a process. You say that he's an a-hole so you know he's not right for you. It's not something you can force but you gotta think about doing what makes you happy. Most important is to challenge yourself. IF there's one thing that LS has taught me is that you have to constantly challenge yourself and dare to become a stronger person. It's easier to sit and think. It's much harder to fight yourself. But the greatest victory is when you defeat your mind.

[RDawg]

It's concerning that you still talk about contacting your ex and spending time with her "as friends." I think talking to a counselor might help. It sounds like you're in a lot of pain and could use some support.

 

There's a saying about people curing a headache with a hammer. Your grief is the headache and contacting the ex is the hammer. Good luck.

 

I am in pain. I had a great one year relationship with a gorgeous girl 10 years younger than myself who lost interest and gave me the boot. From what I read on this forum pain is the normal response and I don't know if it justifies therapy. I don't want to spend time and money wallowing in my pain. If I need therapy it should probably be for my binge drinking!

 

So far as being "friends" goes I'm on good terms with most my exes and I hope to get there with my current one too. We still enjoy each others company and I think the mature approach is to see the relationship for what it was. That is why her admission to me after this last stalking episode was good - for the first time she was able to say that she simply lost interest and grew bored with the relationship. It was nice to hear because up until now I've been taking most of the blame for its termination.

 

Neither of us is in any rush to enter new relationships and I would rather that things take their natural course in the months and years ahead as opposed to adopting this Never See Her Again approach. Since the breakup we've had a couple of great "dates" and even shared some physical intimacy. The thing is to not whine at her or try and force a particular outcome. Had I done NC properly for the first 3months or so I would have whined less but me putting pressure on her has had the benefit of really getting everything out in the open.

 

I try to be a man in the true sense of the word, to be emotionally resilient and this means that I don't have to run away from a girl once she has terminated the regular sex. Provided she still welcomes the contact - which she does when I don't do stupid things like ending a nights drinking on her porch.

Edited October 2, 2010 by RDawg