Hurtgal100 Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 I hope someone can help me, I have no idea what to do or if we will get back together but maybe someone can shed some light on the situation for me.. Some background.. I met a wonderful guy 6 weeks ago and he absolutely whirlwinded me through the last month between extravagant dates including an overnite in a Castle for my Birthday weekend, couldnt believe I had found someone that was literally the male version of me, although he hadnt had a relationship in 6 yrs we clicked instantly & he seemed wrapped from the word go.. We spoke every single day in between the 1000+ text msgs he sent me & he wanted to see me as much as possible between the shifts he was working.. I played it very cool at the start but by our 3rd date he had me.. Even though we were still only "dating" I wasnt classing him as my bf, but he dropped the word now & again & I finally told him he'd be more than welcome to the title! I was completely swept up in everything & thought this cud definitely be the guy for me.. Dont get me wrong I hadnt fallen in love that quick but I was mad about him & from what he was saying to me we were in this for the long run... Anyway just over a week back he brought me to his house for the first time.. Typical bachelor pad but he had it lovely & we had the most wonderful evening just chatting & laughing so much my jaws ached.. The following afternoon I got out of his bed & he dropped me home - all was perfect, we were totally elated & on a high! That Saturday (2 days later) I was off on a weeks hol, planned before we had met, he told me to have a blast & enjoy my time.. Off I went on hols, txt & called while away, but he seemed very distant, his msgs had lost all their smilie faces & sweeties/babes etc.. I asked if anything was wrong, he said he was unwell, bad week in work etc.. My gut still told me that not everything was ok, altho I had no reason to think otherwise! I got home the following Sat & he was still unwell & we spoke thru MSN, he sidestepped anything I mentioned about how much I had missed him while gone & then headed to bed! He txt on the Sunday asking if I fancied meeting for dinner on the Monday.. my txts & contact were still as normal, as far as I was concerned I still had a BF! We met on the Monday, he welcomed me home with hugs & headed to dinner, all normal conversation like we had been prior but about 2 hrs in he said he wanted to talk about us! I hadnt a clue what was coming..he explained that while i was away he had time to think & that although his lifestyle prior to meeting me got lonely sometimes he quite liked it& that he wasnt sure he cud do this relationship! He said up until then he only had responsibilites to himself & didnt know what direction he wanted his life to go in... He also said that if I was to walk away he could be potentially loosing the best thing that ever happened to him, but he didnt know what was right or wrong.. I was gobsmacked, this guy had romanced me beyond belief over the last month & everything he said, we were making plans for the bank hol weekend in Oct & outings in Nov & then this!! I didnt know what to say I had so many questions but couldnt get a word out, he said he had gone in all guns blazing & the newness of the relationship was so exciting... I emailed when i got home to ask what I shud have while with him but couldnt think at the time. He explained he still had feelings but didnt know what he really wanted & needed to think..He had plans to go on holiday this week & said maybe time wud clear his head & he wud come back knowing what he wanted! Anyway,now hes gone - that was 3 days ago & I've had no contact with him, I dont want to push it & am trying to ignore everything in me saying call him because if hes thinking I dont want to ambush anything, but I seriously dont know how hes going to be when he comes back or if he will even contact me! Im just stunned at how it all happened & gutted that he may walk out of my life, I dont know if hes just afraid or has commitment issues or what! Please help...
chocolate_boy Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 I hope someone can help me, I have no idea what to do or if we will get back together but maybe someone can shed some light on the situation for me.. Some background.. I met a wonderful guy 6 weeks ago and he absolutely whirlwinded me through the last month between extravagant dates including an overnite in a Castle for my Birthday weekend, couldnt believe I had found someone that was literally the male version of me, although he hadnt had a relationship in 6 yrs we clicked instantly & he seemed wrapped from the word go.. We spoke every single day in between the 1000+ text msgs he sent me & he wanted to see me as much as possible between the shifts he was working.. I played it very cool at the start but by our 3rd date he had me.. Even though we were still only "dating" I wasnt classing him as my bf, but he dropped the word now & again & I finally told him he'd be more than welcome to the title! I was completely swept up in everything & thought this cud definitely be the guy for me.. Dont get me wrong I hadnt fallen in love that quick but I was mad about him & from what he was saying to me we were in this for the long run... Anyway just over a week back he brought me to his house for the first time.. Typical bachelor pad but he had it lovely & we had the most wonderful evening just chatting & laughing so much my jaws ached.. The following afternoon I got out of his bed & he dropped me home - all was perfect, we were totally elated & on a high! That Saturday (2 days later) I was off on a weeks hol, planned before we had met, he told me to have a blast & enjoy my time.. Off I went on hols, txt & called while away, but he seemed very distant, his msgs had lost all their smilie faces & sweeties/babes etc.. I asked if anything was wrong, he said he was unwell, bad week in work etc.. My gut still told me that not everything was ok, altho I had no reason to think otherwise! I got home the following Sat & he was still unwell & we spoke thru MSN, he sidestepped anything I mentioned about how much I had missed him while gone & then headed to bed! He txt on the Sunday asking if I fancied meeting for dinner on the Monday.. my txts & contact were still as normal, as far as I was concerned I still had a BF! We met on the Monday, he welcomed me home with hugs & headed to dinner, all normal conversation like we had been prior but about 2 hrs in he said he wanted to talk about us! I hadnt a clue what was coming..he explained that while i was away he had time to think & that although his lifestyle prior to meeting me got lonely sometimes he quite liked it& that he wasnt sure he cud do this relationship! He said up until then he only had responsibilites to himself & didnt know what direction he wanted his life to go in... He also said that if I was to walk away he could be potentially loosing the best thing that ever happened to him, but he didnt know what was right or wrong.. I was gobsmacked, this guy had romanced me beyond belief over the last month & everything he said, we were making plans for the bank hol weekend in Oct & outings in Nov & then this!! I didnt know what to say I had so many questions but couldnt get a word out, he said he had gone in all guns blazing & the newness of the relationship was so exciting... I emailed when i got home to ask what I shud have while with him but couldnt think at the time. He explained he still had feelings but didnt know what he really wanted & needed to think..He had plans to go on holiday this week & said maybe time wud clear his head & he wud come back knowing what he wanted! Anyway,now hes gone - that was 3 days ago & I've had no contact with him, I dont want to push it & am trying to ignore everything in me saying call him because if hes thinking I dont want to ambush anything, but I seriously dont know how hes going to be when he comes back or if he will even contact me! Im just stunned at how it all happened & gutted that he may walk out of my life, I dont know if hes just afraid or has commitment issues or what! Please help... There is a phrase, the candle that burns brightest burns out first, sounds to me like you both just moved too fast. I had a similar thing over summer infact with a girl, about the same 6/7 weeks, then she said "something didn't click" and we've not really spoken much in the last 6 weeks. Lesson I learned, don't give your heart away too quickly in future. The girl has been contacting me a bit again recently, initiating contact 2/3 times a week, but I never contact her, I just play it cool. My advice is to just back right off and let him contact you.
Author Hurtgal100 Posted September 30, 2010 Author Posted September 30, 2010 Thanks for the reply CB : Im just totally confused as to what changed his feelings in the week I was away.. Its mental that someone can play things so hot & then go totally cold on you.. I played it cool for so long & he grew on me so much that I couldnt believe we'd found each other.. Im finding it extremely hard to not contact him but everything I've read here says give him space & thats why im standing back! I presume if he wants me he will be in contact, if not its just a hard case of moving on! Its still such a shock but I can only hope that now Im gone he realises what hes lost!
chocolate_boy Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 Thanks for the reply CB : Im just totally confused as to what changed his feelings in the week I was away.. Its mental that someone can play things so hot & then go totally cold on you.. I played it cool for so long & he grew on me so much that I couldnt believe we'd found each other.. Im finding it extremely hard to not contact him but everything I've read here says give him space & thats why im standing back! I presume if he wants me he will be in contact, if not its just a hard case of moving on! Its still such a shock but I can only hope that now Im gone he realises what hes lost! I know, it was same with me, went from texting me "I miss you cuddles so much" "I wish you were here to give me a goodnight kiss" to nothing within a few days, but I'd take that as a red flag, if someone's feelings can go from red hot to stone cold in a matter of days, it's not a good quality in my book. I also noticed the sudden change in mood, no response to flirting suddenly etc. Assume it's over, start moving on.
Author Hurtgal100 Posted September 30, 2010 Author Posted September 30, 2010 Funny thing with me was while I was away he was still replying to my txts & calls but not with the same affection he previously had been! After 6yrs of not been in a relationship I cud totally understand someone been OTT impressive with the first girl they met but wouldnt you want to be in a great relationship rather than been alone! Its understandable after been such a long time by yourself that you get set in ur ways but why not want to share that with someone you think ur so compatible with! Ive asked myself a thousand times how just been away for a few days that someone cud set back into an old routine but obviously it can happen!
chocolate_boy Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 Funny thing with me was while I was away he was still replying to my txts & calls but not with the same affection he previously had been! After 6yrs of not been in a relationship I cud totally understand someone been OTT impressive with the first girl they met but wouldnt you want to be in a great relationship rather than been alone! Its understandable after been such a long time by yourself that you get set in ur ways but why not want to share that with someone you think ur so compatible with! Ive asked myself a thousand times how just been away for a few days that someone cud set back into an old routine but obviously it can happen! The only person you can control if yourself, who knows what he's feeling/thinking, chances are it has nothing to do with anything you did.
Author Hurtgal100 Posted September 30, 2010 Author Posted September 30, 2010 Im 100% sure it has nothing to do with me.. I just cant understand what changed with him..Its like he got cold feet or something.. I never asked him to be responsible for me & although we saw alot of each other we werent living in each others pockets, he still had alot of time to spend by himself!
Ajax Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 I know, it was same with me, went from texting me "I miss you cuddles so much" "I wish you were here to give me a goodnight kiss" to nothing within a few days, but I'd take that as a red flag, if someone's feelings can go from red hot to stone cold in a matter of days, it's not a good quality in my book. I also noticed the sudden change in mood, no response to flirting suddenly etc. That sounds eerily familiar to what happened to me. One week she told me she loved me, thanked God every day to have me, and was making plans for the future. Then BAM. The next week she drops me like a stone saying she needed to "figure herself out". That was six weeks ago. Been NC for the past month. Doesn't feel right. Im 100% sure it has nothing to do with me.. I just cant understand what changed with him..Its like he got cold feet or something.. I never asked him to be responsible for me & although we saw alot of each other we werent living in each others pockets, he still had alot of time to spend by himself! Sometimes I feel like that. Other times I feel like there's something different I could have done and she'd still be here. But it's true that someone going from hot to cold like that is a red flag. I've been spending way too much mental and emotional energy the past few weeks trying to figure out what happened to her. I don't think you're going to find many answers if any. It hurts, feel the pain. Try to move forward.
Author Hurtgal100 Posted September 30, 2010 Author Posted September 30, 2010 God I feel ur pain Ajax & thanks for the reply! Its so hard when you continually go back thru ur mind & everything that happened within the time wondering if its something you did! Im constantly saying to myself "If i hadnt have gone on hols wud it be different" for the fact he wudnt have been on his own & had time to think things thru! Just hope Im not waiting 6 wks & he makes contact! Its hard knowing hes on hols & im still in the daily routine just waiting for something & even if he does call/txt I have no idea how to handle it!
thatsonlyme Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Consider yourself lucky it didn't take him 5 years to realize that. That's what my ex gf did, just like nothing happened and now I'm left with 5 years of painful memories. You should be able to get over it a lot easier, less memories plus you probably had no time to abandon all of your old friends because of him. I know it hurts, but try to be positive and try to realize that he probably wasn't the one. If he did this after 6 weeks of relationship, imagine yourself getting back together, building your life together for many years and then imagine him dumping you again. unfortunately people don't change. Try to let go and find another guy, it should be a lot easier for you because you're a girl
Author Hurtgal100 Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 Consider yourself lucky it didn't take him 5 years to realize that. That's what my ex gf did, just like nothing happened and now I'm left with 5 years of painful memories. You should be able to get over it a lot easier, less memories plus you probably had no time to abandon all of your old friends because of him. I know it hurts, but try to be positive and try to realize that he probably wasn't the one. If he did this after 6 weeks of relationship, imagine yourself getting back together, building your life together for many years and then imagine him dumping you again. unfortunately people don't change. Try to let go and find another guy, it should be a lot easier for you because you're a girl Thanks for ur reply - Believe me its no easier when your a girl, I can guarantee that! Ur very right with the 5 yr thing & god help you because thats HARD!! Even with my feelings from just 6 wks I cant imagine what ur going thru! I wud love to try again with him if his head comes back cleared but whats to say like you said that in a few months/years time he doesnt feel the same again!
broken19 Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 Wow...so that's what it is. The faster they go into getting your love, the faster they let go of it! Your situation sound slike my 9 months situation with my ex. You poor thing! I was reading your forum and was feeling everything I have been feeling for the past 2 weeks. You wonder what you could have done and what if you had not gone on that holiday. It happened to me as well as soon as I came back from my break. Except he was still nice via texts and made efforts to call me. Different paople are different I guess but emotions are similar. And yes, if he had not done that after your holiday he eventually might have done that. Who knows. And it would have been harder for you if he had said that months from now. More good memories would have been created and harder to get over. We remember the good times and not bad but the one who does not want this realtionship always remembers the bad times. Once they remember the good times they regret their decision and almost always it is too late for them. I don't know why people do this. Very fascinating to understand human behaviour. Sometimes it is stemmed from childhood I guess..whatever we learn is hard to let go of as we become adults. Maybe he has issues and you don't want to get caught up with a person like that unless he changes but chances are it will take him very long. No one knows what the right thing to do is. All i can offer is create more good memories without him. Might be easier. You sound like a wonderful person who fell in love in a similar way I did. I know it is so hard. Especially waiting. You feel like your heart's going to pop out of your chest! But just do stuff you used to love doing when you were single. I know he will pop up even then but try. All the best:)
Author Hurtgal100 Posted October 3, 2010 Author Posted October 3, 2010 Wow...so that's what it is. The faster they go into getting your love, the faster they let go of it! Your situation sound slike my 9 months situation with my ex. You poor thing! I was reading your forum and was feeling everything I have been feeling for the past 2 weeks. You wonder what you could have done and what if you had not gone on that holiday. It happened to me as well as soon as I came back from my break. Except he was still nice via texts and made efforts to call me. Different paople are different I guess but emotions are similar. And yes, if he had not done that after your holiday he eventually might have done that. Who knows. And it would have been harder for you if he had said that months from now. More good memories would have been created and harder to get over. We remember the good times and not bad but the one who does not want this realtionship always remembers the bad times. Once they remember the good times they regret their decision and almost always it is too late for them. I don't know why people do this. Very fascinating to understand human behaviour. Sometimes it is stemmed from childhood I guess..whatever we learn is hard to let go of as we become adults. Maybe he has issues and you don't want to get caught up with a person like that unless he changes but chances are it will take him very long. No one knows what the right thing to do is. All i can offer is create more good memories without him. Might be easier. You sound like a wonderful person who fell in love in a similar way I did. I know it is so hard. Especially waiting. You feel like your heart's going to pop out of your chest! But just do stuff you used to love doing when you were single. I know he will pop up even then but try. All the best:) Thank you so much for ur reply, helps to know Im not the only one out there in this particular situation Hard thing for me is we didnt have ONE single bad time because it was only 6 wks, it was like we were made for each other, as I said at the start he was like the male version of me & I think thats why we clicked so quickly! I dont have any bad memories with him whatsoever, which is even harder again because I have no bad points to think of! He was everything you wud want in a guy & more & as you said its so hard just waiting & even at this short stage feeling like ur heart is gonna fall outta your chest! I cant say I was in love, but I definitely could have gotten to that stage, he was definitely a catch! I hope your situation also gets better.. Im working on the NC stage at the mo & he shud be back from hols in the next 2 days, Im praying he calls, if he doesnt I dont know how to start again...
Author Hurtgal100 Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 Just an update: I've now been 11 Days NC & although sometimes I feel like Im getting stronger, I still feel crap!! He came back from hols on Wed nite and went back to work last nite.. I didnt expect to hear from him straight off, dont even know if I will hear from him but its still not easy wondering if I will actually get any sort of contact from him!! ARGHHHH its soooo frustrating!! Part of me so wants to txt/call him but I want him to be the first to contact because it was him who needed time, I just wish it wud be happen soooooooon!!
Author Hurtgal100 Posted October 14, 2010 Author Posted October 14, 2010 Update: Its been 17 Days NC now!! Its absolutely killing me but im slowly learning to deal with it! Im so angry, just wish this cud all be over & he wud just contact me somehow! Part of me is still saying that even if he did contact me now, wud I want to talk to him! I dont know why he hasnt called, maybe hes wondering the same about me! Everything was left on such good terms, that he needed to clear his head & we were still friends etc.. Arrrrrghhh! Any advice on whether I shud txt/email him or not??
WTRanger Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 Nope, do not contact him. What you are going though is normal, you are simply in the "bargaining" stage of the 5-stages. This is by far the hardest stage, as this is the stage that will test your NC will. Contacting him will lead you no where. What if he doesn't respond or responds in a manner that you didn't foresee him responding? Then what? You go right back to day 1. Don't contact him. If he really wanted to contact you, he would have. Telling ourselves that the other person is over there wishing the same thing we are is a way of wishful thinking. It's a way of thinking that the other person as still human and not some soulless robot. But, the harsh fact is, you have to treat this like a death.
Author Hurtgal100 Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 Thank you sooooooooo much WTR!! I really needed that! You know sometimes when you seriously start to doubt yourself & if everything your doing is the right thing?? Im so going thru that stage right now & trying to figure out if deadlock NC was the way to go or maybe he cud be wondering why im not doing the contacting but as you said if I do just go sending a txt or calling for the hell of it & hes not ready yet I will let myself down & just end up back at Day 1 - which was HELL!!! I appreciate your reply & thanks for ur support it really helped
alwayshoping Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Update: Its been 17 Days NC now!! Its absolutely killing me but im slowly learning to deal with it! Im so angry, just wish this cud all be over & he wud just contact me somehow! Part of me is still saying that even if he did contact me now, wud I want to talk to him! I dont know why he hasnt called, maybe hes wondering the same about me! Everything was left on such good terms, that he needed to clear his head & we were still friends etc.. Arrrrrghhh! Any advice on whether I shud txt/email him or not?? dont call! if he really likes you like you like him, then I think he should be making the first move!
Idalis Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Don't have much in the form of advice to offer but just wanted to encourage you to stay strong and do not contact him. Also, my theory is that he's addicted to the rush of newness. I have a guy friend like that he dates a new girl every 2-3 months and he goes ALL IN.. as in, he brings her around his friends, plans lavish outings, gives flowers, notes, even says "I love you" and then BOOM he just backs away!! He's left some really sweet girls that would've made great long term partners yet I dont know what he's looking for. The weird part is he doesn't want to be alone.. so he always rushes to meet the next girl and sometimes they even overlap. Its sad! I've known him since HS and he had a gf that he really loved who dumped him so I think this is his form of payback?? I don't know maybe thats what is going on?? But even if its not, there's no good explanation for what he did to you, so you're better off with him not in the picture. Good thing to know is that you did nothing wrong, some people just have their own issues to sort out and they drag down innocent bystanders. My friend is so convincing that even we, his friends,always fall for it and believe that the newest girl is THE ONE!! Good luck!!!
kaycstamper Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 (edited) I think he went into it so fast and got swept up in the exhilaration and then rethought it all and wasn't so sure he wanted to change his life. Personally, I'd let him go, I think your being in NC is the best thing. I'm sorry, sometimes it really sucks! Just remember it's not anything you did or didn't do and had nothing to do with your holiday. My fiance just did the same thing to me and trust me, the break up after 13 1/2 months together is way harder. There is no understanding some people. Edited October 15, 2010 by kaycstamper
Author Hurtgal100 Posted October 19, 2010 Author Posted October 19, 2010 OMG!!!! Yesterday was 3 wks NC & last nite I get a TXT!!! He basically asked how I was & hoped everything was good & he was getting back into routine after hols etc.. I waited 4 hours & then replied that I was great & all was well, glad he had a good holiday & that was it.. I didnt get any other reply off him..Still happy that he made contact & the ice has been broken but im gonna continue not contacting him unless of course its to answer him.. Idalis & Kayc - thank you sooo much for ur posts, they seriously helped me last week when I was going spare & to know that there are guys out there that are just "newness phobs" if thats a word, really helped! I seriously appreciate you taking the time to reply & you wont believe how much it helped me when I wanted to contact him so much
chocolate_boy Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 OMG!!!! Yesterday was 3 wks NC & last nite I get a TXT!!! He basically asked how I was & hoped everything was good & he was getting back into routine after hols etc.. I waited 4 hours & then replied that I was great & all was well, glad he had a good holiday & that was it.. I didnt get any other reply off him..Still happy that he made contact & the ice has been broken but im gonna continue not contacting him unless of course its to answer him.. Idalis & Kayc - thank you sooo much for ur posts, they seriously helped me last week when I was going spare & to know that there are guys out there that are just "newness phobs" if thats a word, really helped! I seriously appreciate you taking the time to reply & you wont believe how much it helped me when I wanted to contact him so much Just try and keep your emotions in check, try not to get your hopes up from a lousy text. I've had this before, and when she contacted me again 6 weeks later she neglected to mention her new boyfriend who she was "in love with". A lot can happen in a month. If you want to slowly get back in touch, then cool, but don't take this to mean he wants to try again, the fact that he hasn't contacted you for so long probably means you haven't been on his mind. Maybe he missed you now, but either way, just take this for what it is, a pleasantry text.
kaycstamper Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Try to remember that things have changed and won't ever be the same again. Be guarded and cautious. My ex and I have been in phone contact recently but I have to remember that he is not who I thought he was when I was engaged to him...the fact is he hurt me beyond belief and I can't forget that. He obviously doesn't feel the same way about me that I did about him and I can't trust him anymore. Sometimes it's best NOT to "try again", sometimes it's best to keep in mind all that has taken place.
kaycstamper Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 If you always have to try figuring him out it's not worth it. There's something to be said for someone who is tried and true and that doesn't happen overnight.
Author Hurtgal100 Posted October 22, 2010 Author Posted October 22, 2010 Thank you Chocolate Boy & Kayc - ur posts definitely make alot of sense & dont worry I have no intention of running back into things even if he asks! I think Ive finally learned to deal with whats happened, its nearly a month since we split & thats practically as long as we were together, so why shud I give it any more time! I spoke to him briefly on MSN last nite, just chit chat, he was in work & heading for a break. Its still nice as I said to have the ice broken & we know we will remain friends because bar the break up & his backing off I have no reason to dislike him. Im am playing it very cool & if he wishes to chase then by all means he can try. I dont know what his situation is at the moment, I presume if he had cleared his head & wanted to try again I wud have heard it from him by now - maybe hes still working through issues but either way Im not going to hang around forever & its about time I start moving on
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