new here... where to begin?

[shuttershy]

I'm in a peculiar situation. I've been married about 3 years. I have no steady income but have been taking care of our home and our two children as a SAHM since 3 months after we were married. My husband has refused to pay regularly on my debts and as such, my credit score has plummeted over 100 points since we've been married and I had our second child. I've been searching for work and taking small jobs here and there with no luck.

 

In mid-2008 a friend "discovered" my inclination toward portraiture and after doing work for some very satisfied moms and brides, I moved from hobby photography into doing it as a professional. I've paid rent a few times when he couldn't, kept us from having to move into his mother's when he lost his job, bought groceries, paid on my student loans when I could, paid medical bills. Most of my tax refund bought his new car and the big screen TV we have. But he insists that my photography is not lucrative and demands that I quit in order to find a "day job".

 

Due to the last year being a year of hell, during which he repeatedly minimized my self worth and devalued me on a daily basis, insulted my photography and parenting/housekeeping skills, on top of recently discovering he has not kicked his pornography habit like he insisted the last two times I caught him, I have come to the conclusion that our marriage is irreconcilable and I want to leave. But... how do I do it?

 

I want to be wise about this. I don't want him to be able to use my status as SAHM against me to take my kids. He is essentially an absentee father. He complains about being only a paycheck to me, yet refuses to behave in any other manner. He has run me into the ground, so to speak -- I have no money in my account bc I let him convince me to pay bills when we were in counseling and I wanted to prove I could contribute. Now my business is in trouble, and he says he'll pay for client products I can't afford, but in return he wants me to stop all photography. This time of year I get loads of inquiries about portraits and weddings - more of a chance for me to be self-sufficient, but he wants me to turn all the jobs down. He treats me as though he wants me not to depend on him, but then sabotages every effort I make to be independent. He accuses me of lying and cheating nonstop, even if I take five minutes longer to go to the grocery store than he would like me to spend there, then insults his own penis size and libido as if I have a reason to cheat. He refuses to put my name on his checking account, but wants complete control of mine. If I take 10 minutes longer to pick up my kid from preschool, he's blowing up my phone. He has grown increasingly manipulative, controlling, and possessive, while at the same time telling me "if you did sleep with someone else I wouldn't be mad, I'd want to hear about it and use it in our bedroom later". Which, honestly, just draws an even worse connection between his porn addiction and how it's increasingly affecting our relationship. He practices this habit in his office... which is right next to our daughters' bedroom.

 

We have two small girls. In our first year of marriage I told him if the pornography didn't stop or he didn't get help, it would lead to separation. He has been using it again for at least a year -- because that's when he started treating me like an object even worse than before. He has tried to restrict my time with my family who all live out of state (to no avail), and forced (or tried to force) me to drop any outside activities I'm involved in that would make him have to watch the kids (church volunteering, playgroups, photo shoots, photo seminars, etc). He is addicted to video games and plays nonstop. He works from home MWF and yesterday, every single time I walked into his office he was playing a game instead of working. He has no friends he hangs out with in person -- he talks to all of them over his games.

 

I feel like we've already been here concerning his porn and game addictions. I don't want to give him anymore chances. I think he needs to feel the pain of consequences. As far as I'm concerned, he's already made his choice between his family and his addictions. Last night he closed the office door and I opened it and asked him to leave it open, and he adamantly refused because he "wouldn't be tempted". Just two days before he had told me I have no right to be angry at him for this because "the scale was tipped more to (my) side" concerning who has done more hurtful things. I have been paying for my past for the last five years.

 

I need to know how to do this wisely. He told me during a fight this week that if I left him and didn't get a job to provide for the kids, he would get our younger daughter and the state would get our older daughter (because she is not his biological child - she was conceived by rape and the criminal was never found - and my husband has never adopted her). I know this is not true, in Michigan it's very difficult to take children from their mother, but it made me realize how messed up our relationship is and how I need to get out NOW. But where do I start?

 

I have office space that I'm not even using. I have a friend who will help me paint it so I can put signs up and started getting more steady photo work. I have a handful of portrait sessions lined up and a wedding consult tomorrow. I love photography because it allows me to still be there for my kids and be a bigger presence in their lives than if I were to work a 9-5, yet I make more money. The only reason I haven't aggressively marketed myself is because of the strain it's put on my marriage and how he has done everything in his power to keep me from pursuing my photography business. He is a web developer and said he would build my website... two years later he still hadn't done it so I bought a $200 site from a template company and built it myself. He was SO mad about it and so verbally abusive toward me during that conversation that I thought he would leave me - just for using someone else for my website. My counselor calls that passive-aggressive emotional abuse.

 

I just want out. The porn issue is fresh - just learned of his backsliding less than a week ago. I've taken a few days to think it over. I don't have the language for doing this. "Move to your mothers, or I'm moving out." "This is not acceptable in our house with our little girls, move out." "we're not sharing beds until these conditions are met..."

 

help

[hopesndreams]

Who is your "friend"?

 

I have been paying for my past for the last five years.

 

What happened 5 years ago?

[quankanne]

good heavens, girl, it sounds as if you've been a victim of verbal and psychological abuse for most of your marriage, and you're right to want to leave the marriage. NO ONE deserves to put up with that kind of bullying treatment.

 

the best thing you can do is to contact an abuse hotline and seek their help. Because this is something they've dealt with on a regular basis, they can help you get a gameplan together. One option might be to take your children to a battered women's shelter – even if it hasn't gotten to the physical stage, the verbal and psychological abuse is bad enough, and they'll help you see that.

 

as for you starting up your own business, see what direction the folks at the shelter can point you, or even the small business bureau. There's free money in the forms of grants that are just waiting to be accessed, so know that you have options as far as that goes. And yeah, there's always going to be people clamoring to have someone take their photos because they don't feel confident enough of their own photography skills, don't have the time to be subject and camera-man, or who flat-out understand that they don't got the eye ... Check with the local community colleges to see if any continuing ed classes are offered that deal with setting up your own business. My guess is that because everything's now digital, you won't need a whole lot of space for a studio. I think your venture has lots of potential, and that your husband's being a jackass because he needs to subjugate you to feel better about yourself. And you and your babies deserve better than that.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

shuttershy :

 

I really feel for you, after reading your story, you reminded me of some of my misgivings during my marriage. Trust me when I say that your Husbands pornographic issues, were never my own, I'm rather talking about the video game play!

 

Back in 2002 I secured my B.S. Degree in computer sciences, building them, supporting them, building networks, upgrading them, the works. At that moment that I thought I "had a clue" I started to become addicted to computer video games. At first a couple hours a week, no problems. But as the months progressed it became a couple hours daily. Until the point were I was alienating my family and being a recluse in my office and would be gaming all night.

 

My ex-wife, as I'm sure you have tried, started to give ultimatums, smart alicky statements, taking my inventory, you know the drill, probably going on under your roof too. I started to turn things around by late 2007, playing less and less, spending more time with family, getting out of my hermit shell, stuff like that.

 

But I put the brakes on this stuff to late in the game, my ex-wife had pent up frustrations, pent up despise and really didn't ever feel that I would be 100% totally game free, as she wanted. I don't game now, haven't in almost 2 and a half years, not once! If your Husband doesn't put the brakes on, and I mean fast, he might turn out like me, an ex-Husband.

 

I might know why he part takes in video games, he might feel so low about himself that wants his "escape", to log onto the "dream world" that is gaming. But other than "escape", there is a down side, sometimes people will let what they do and what they see and what they hear inside those games trickle out into the "real world", if he's into violent games, good ole "shoot em up's" and stuff like that, it could lead to violent tendencies in the real world.

 

The escape that can be found within the video game isn't necessarily to escape work, escape his friends ect. ect. ect......maybe he is trying to escape you!

 

Also I would like to take the time here and offer up my opinion of some of what you said.....

 

"Due to the last year being a year of hell, during which he repeatedly minimized my self worth and devalued me on a daily basis, insulted my photography and parenting/housekeeping skills, on top of recently discovering he has not kicked his pornography habit like he insisted the last two times I caught him, I have come to the conclusion that our marriage is irreconcilable and I want to leave. But... how do I do it?"

 

How do you do that? My answer is you just do it! You need to do everything you can to protect yourself and your kids from what appears to be daily mental and emotion abuse. The question is how many times are you going to "bend over" and keep taking one for the team? Sounds like to me, this isn't your "first rodeo" with him on this stuff, sounds like you have history on your side, I would use the history as your answers.

 

"He is essentially an absentee father"

 

Well good for him, then if and when you ever do file for divorce and seek custody of your kids, than he shouldn't have any issue with that at all. He should just sign the papers and have the kids be yours, seeing that he's so absent as a father.

 

"He treats me as though he wants me not to depend on him, but then sabotages every effort I make to be independent"

 

There's part of your "key", this statement might unlock the door to some of his apparent actions. He treats you in ways to make you have to depend on him! And within the same action, he sabotages your efforts of having your own life, your own job, your own peace, your own harmony, your own anything! I suspect he is doing nothing more than trying, a.k.a. forcing you into a position to be "dominant" over you, he wants you to need him, he wants you to think you couldn't live on without him, he wants you to feel bad about yourself, for if you truly ever felt good about yourself and think you could do it on your own, you would, you would leave, and where would this leave your Husband? As a man who is a control freak to no one other than himself!

 

"He accuses me of lying and cheating nonstop"

 

You know something, let you in on a little secret here! Why do you think your Husband is so adamant that you are "lying" and "cheating"? Did it ever a cure to you that maybe he is saying these things, as in some twisted way to throw out hints or bread crumbs that maybe he might be the one who is "lying" and "cheating"! Misery loves company, the guilty never like to be on the boat alone, why not have a guest on-board, even if that person is guilty on "nothing"! As my Mother told me a long time ago, I think I was around 12-13 years old, remember Son, when you point your finger in judgment of others, remember there are 4 more fingers pointing back at you!

 

""if you did sleep with someone else I wouldn't be mad"

 

Of course he wouldn't be mad, he probably would encourage you to sleep around, I think that's what he is waiting for. This would then give him a prefect excuse to do it himself, if he hasn't done so already. Why not, I wouldn't be mad, seeing that there might be a particular someone on the side that he might be gawking at and who he wants a relationship with and or one night stand!

 

THE KICK IN THE NUT'S

 

"because she is not his biological child - she was conceived by rape and the criminal was never found - and my husband has never adopted her"

 

What a f**king a** h***, he went there, he said this? Talk about a hot steamy pile of cow dung! Jesus H Chr*st, this man knows no lows! If this information was, or was not true, he has no right to bring this up to you in anyway! I'm normally able to stay in a fairly good mental state of Zen, but the fact that regardless of whom the true Father is to your child, it's still your child, born from you, into a family and now as a family member herself. Talk about dark twisted notions running around in your Husbands head, about what a true family is! If this happened to me, and there might be a child born from crime, who cares, I would adopt the child anyways! Oh man, he is so lucky I'm not around, I would so love to go "old school Japanese Honor Code" with him! If I said these words, from a place of ignorance, I would feel that I had brought "dis-honor" upon me and or the family and perform "seppuku"!

 

Please keep us here on L.S. up to date in regards to your situation! Keep your chin up, you did nothing wrong here, your trying for a better life, your seeking help, your seeking advise, nothing wrong with all of this. It just proves that your Husband hasn't won, you are still able to know that you love yourself and are seeking help as to hopefully live a better life, after this!

 

[Iconoclast]

Go to a lawyer. A SAHM?.... you'll most likely get primary custody, would be difficult and mean to cut him off from visitation with his daughter, if he chooses to see her.

He'll probably have to pony up child support and maybe some alimony.

 

The only thing you owe him is the courtesy of respecting the marriage and not getting involved with someone else until divorced.

[carlierae26]

""He accuses me of lying and cheating nonstop"

 

You know something, let you in on a little secret here! Why do you think your Husband is so adamant that you are "lying" and "cheating"? Did it ever a cure to you that maybe he is saying these things, as in some twisted way to throw out hints or bread crumbs that maybe he might be the one who is "lying" and "cheating"! Misery loves company, the guilty never like to be on the boat alone, why not have a guest on-board, even if that person is guilty on "nothing"! As my Mother told me a long time ago, I think I was around 12-13 years old, remember Son, when you point your finger in judgment of others, remember there are 4 more fingers pointing back at you!"

 

This is so true! My husband did this to me, lay the blame on me.. where in fact he was the one cheating!

[shuttershy]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I thought I should give you an update.

 

Much craziness has ensued since I posted the original post. Basically I saw a lawyer and he was concerned enough that he filed my divorce without me having to give him any money. In order for the papers to be served though, I need to bring in a retainer. I am glad to have this lawyer on my side.

 

However, I was having heavy doubts. So I didn't tell my husband that I'd filed and I was trying to see if there was any hope left for us. I tried to be more affectionate and less confrontational. It just didn't work. He continued to be critical, controlling, obsessive, belittling.

 

Finally this past Sunday I had a hunch and asked him if he was still looking at pornography. He said yes and acted like it was my fault. I told him I needed to process my feeling about that. I didn't want to overreact. I didn't want to get in a fight or make him feel bad about his addiction. It was 2am and I just wanted to sleep. But he wouldn't let me go to sleep. He kept badgering me to talk about my feelings and tell him what I was going to do. He said he wasn't okay with me taking time to think it over. So I went to sleep on the couch. He followed me down the hallway, slinging insults.

 

I finally told him I was staying quiet to prevent a fight like this and I wasn't going to give him one but now he could sleep alone. He stomped off to the bedroom then came back and asked if I wanted time apart. I said yes. I asked him to move out within the week. He went to the bedroom and cried hard for about ten minutes, then came back and fed me some lines about still loving him and being his best friend. I said he could take a few days to figure out where he was going to go. He went back to the room and cried.

 

The next morning (Monday) he got up two hours after my kids and I were up. He started packing right away - a little suitcase - threw it in the car, gave the kids kisses and hugs and left. Tonight is my second night sleeping alone.

 

I have nothing to say to him. When he calls we sit in silence. He keeps telling me to call him if I need to talk. I won't. When you've been burned by fire, you don't stick your hand in it again. When every conversation with your spouse turns into insults and degradation, you don't open conversation anymore. I've gotten the sign I needed that this needs to end. I was trying to wait until after January 1st, to give him time to come around, but I see now that I was delaying the inevitable. As soon as I have the money, he will be served the papers. Meanwhile I'm dealing with the prospect of becoming a single mom and what that entails, but I know I'll be okay.

 

I've gotten a business coach - a successful photographer from the Detroit area. I'm almost ready to open my office downtown. I now have free reign over my work computer and can get things done on time (instead of fighting him over it).

 

Thank you for your encouragement.

[shuttershy]

Who is your "friend"?

 

I have been paying for my past for the last five years.

 

What happened 5 years ago?

 

My friend is my best girl friend for the last 6 years.

 

Five years ago I made a choice about my life that my husband disagrees with wholeheartedly. In my eyes, it was a mistake, and I wish I had it to do over again, but if I did, I wouldn't have the many blessings I have now. He has been berating me for this choice on a daily basis and says he can't love me because of it. I'm not comfortable enough going into details here.

[dreamingoftigers]

Good for you getting out, some people are just pathologically not relationship material. He has a lot to sort out.