He questions MY "commitment" ?!?

[Star_Bright]

Yesterday evening MM said he wanted to talk to me. I thought he was going to tell me he can't move out on Sunday as he had previously told me he was going to (this was his idea- after I went NC he called me and left me a VM saying he had told his IC and his wife that he was moving out in 8 days). Instead he really threw me for a loop. I don't know what's going on. I am so sick and tired of this.

 

Right away he said he is definitely moving out on Sunday with or without me BUT... and then he proceeded to tell me he worries that he can't trust me, that I don't want the baggage that he comes with, that I will get tired of him and move on, that I will want to be single and date single fun guys my own age etc.

 

We have been through all of this before. But this time he was quite cruel about it and really turned the issue around not to just to his fears that I will get tired of having to go through all of this with him but to acting like I do things that purposefully attract other guys and like I want to be with other guys, to the point where I was like, forget you, you are just looking for a way out, well you have it. I said if you don't want to leave then just tell me that, don't turn around and pin it on me because I have been nothing but good to you. I have really done nothing bad to him, although sometimes he has taken NC as something bad against him, but then again he turns around and says he understands why I need to do that. I said I have been here for him and then he turns around and treats me cruelly. He was just so cold, like he was disgusted with me.

 

Then he told me he wasn't trying to break up with me and he is moving out but he wanted to talk to me about ways I can make him feel more reassured of my commitment to him.

 

WTF. He's not sure he can trust ME? My level of commitment to HIM??

 

We had a huge fight, I was so upset with him. I think he is a coward and instead of just telling me he has second thoughts about leaving, he is trying to make it seem as if I've done things wrong. Or he is finding faults that aren't even there. He says a lot of guys want me and hit on me and I like that that happens. WTF? He hates when I wear a dress and go out with my friend when he isn't there (ummm hello because he's married). He hates when other guys talk to me or ask me out. What am I supposed to do, wear a garbage bag out? Not talk to anyone? I do not like that guys hit on me (and I think he blows the frequency/extent of guys hitting on me way out of proportion), and whenever any guy asks me out I always say no, I even tell them I have a boyfriend if I have to, which makes me feel stupid because in fact my boyfriend is married... ahhhh... I only want to be with him, but it seems there is nothing I can do to convince him of that.

 

I told him he is too jealous and insecure for me and he treats me badly when he gets in a funk like that. I said I can't do it and if he was looking for a way out, congratulations, he got one. He is pointing the finger at me like he has pointed the finger at his wife when really he just doesn't have the guts to decide what he wants to do and do it and be honest with everyone involved.

 

After I got upset he started apologizing and he went to my house while I was in class and left me an apology note and then he sent me all of these texts and we had a text conversation where he told me he knows he has a problem with jealousy and he is just so afraid that I'm going to hurt him and he knows he needs to fix it. Then this morning he came over to my house before I woke up and he kept apologizing and said he felt so bad and he is going to work on his issue and he needs my help and he wants to be with me. He says a lot of it is his upbringing, his machismo, and a lot of it is how we got together and a lot of it is his fears that he will have torn his family apart only to get hurt by me going to be with someone else.

 

WTF. I hate this, I have had enough. I can't do anything right. If he is doing this to make me not want to be with him so that he can have a free pass to stay with his wife, well, mission accomplished. I have no idea why he always questions MY commitment... when he is the one who is married even though he always tells me he's getting separated and then divorced. Argh. I am so frustrated, I just want this poisonous relationship out of my life!!!! But then I have these feelings and this attachment to him that make no sense after how he just treated me. What is wrong with me?! I really need to go to therapy, I think I am going to just pay out of pocket until my insurance kicks in in a month. Because this is so disruptive to my daily life and I can't take it anymore. I feel I am at the end of my rope in this relationship... and maybe that's exactly what he wants. Fine. He has lost me and I know it isn't my fault.

[ladydesigner]

Yesterday evening MM said he wanted to talk to me. I thought he was going to tell me he can't move out on Sunday as he had previously told me he was going to (this was his idea- after I went NC he called me and left me a VM saying he had told his IC and his wife that he was moving out in 8 days). Instead he really threw me for a loop. I don't know what's going on. I am so sick and tired of this.

 

Right away he said he is definitely moving out on Sunday with or without me BUT... and then he proceeded to tell me he worries that he can't trust me, that I don't want the baggage that he comes with, that I will get tired of him and move on, that I will want to be single and date single fun guys my own age etc.

 

We have been through all of this before. But this time he was quite cruel about it and really turned the issue around not to just to his fears that I will get tired of having to go through all of this with him but to acting like I do things that purposefully attract other guys and like I want to be with other guys, to the point where I was like, forget you, you are just looking for a way out, well you have it. I said if you don't want to leave then just tell me that, don't turn around and pin it on me because I have been nothing but good to you. I have really done nothing bad to him, although sometimes he has taken NC as something bad against him, but then again he turns around and says he understands why I need to do that. I said I have been here for him and then he turns around and treats me cruelly. He was just so cold, like he was disgusted with me.

 

Then he told me he wasn't trying to break up with me and he is moving out but he wanted to talk to me about ways I can make him feel more reassured of my commitment to him.

 

WTF. He's not sure he can trust ME? My level of commitment to HIM??

 

We had a huge fight, I was so upset with him. I think he is a coward and instead of just telling me he has second thoughts about leaving, he is trying to make it seem as if I've done things wrong. Or he is finding faults that aren't even there. He says a lot of guys want me and hit on me and I like that that happens. WTF? He hates when I wear a dress and go out with my friend when he isn't there (ummm hello because he's married). He hates when other guys talk to me or ask me out. What am I supposed to do, wear a garbage bag out? Not talk to anyone? I do not like that guys hit on me (and I think he blows the frequency/extent of guys hitting on me way out of proportion), and whenever any guy asks me out I always say no, I even tell them I have a boyfriend if I have to, which makes me feel stupid because in fact my boyfriend is married... ahhhh... I only want to be with him, but it seems there is nothing I can do to convince him of that.

 

I told him he is too jealous and insecure for me and he treats me badly when he gets in a funk like that. I said I can't do it and if he was looking for a way out, congratulations, he got one. He is pointing the finger at me like he has pointed the finger at his wife when really he just doesn't have the guts to decide what he wants to do and do it and be honest with everyone involved.

 

After I got upset he started apologizing and he went to my house while I was in class and left me an apology note and then he sent me all of these texts and we had a text conversation where he told me he knows he has a problem with jealousy and he is just so afraid that I'm going to hurt him and he knows he needs to fix it. Then this morning he came over to my house before I woke up and he kept apologizing and said he felt so bad and he is going to work on his issue and he needs my help and he wants to be with me. He says a lot of it is his upbringing, his machismo, and a lot of it is how we got together and a lot of it is his fears that he will have torn his family apart only to get hurt by me going to be with someone else.

 

WTF. I hate this, I have had enough. I can't do anything right. If he is doing this to make me not want to be with him so that he can have a free pass to stay with his wife, well, mission accomplished. I have no idea why he always questions MY commitment... when he is the one who is married even though he always tells me he's getting separated and then divorced. Argh. I am so frustrated, I just want this poisonous relationship out of my life!!!! But then I have these feelings and this attachment to him that make no sense after how he just treated me. What is wrong with me?! I really need to go to therapy, I think I am going to just pay out of pocket until my insurance kicks in in a month. Because this is so disruptive to my daily life and I can't take it anymore. I feel I am at the end of my rope in this relationship... and maybe that's exactly what he wants. Fine. He has lost me and I know it isn't my fault.

 

Sweetie just want to say that I think you are dodging a bullet here. Who wants to deal with jealousy like that. He is worried about your comittment to HIM:lmao::lmao: You are single, he is married. He needs some serious IC. He sounds like a very broken individual, do you really want that from a man? You sound like you have your head on straight. I would keep a distance, but I know that is easier said than done. Jealousy is a huge turn-off. If he is feeling this way now imagine how much the jealousy will affect you when he does have you. I would really think twice about continuing a relationship with him. It sounds like you are filling a void in him. He sounds unhealthy. Take care of your own best interests right now and decide later.

[lilbunny]

How big is the age gap if you don't mind me asking?

 

MM in my case was a good deal older than me. It never mattered to me at all, in fact I never really gave it much thought as it is just a number to me.

 

He would question whether I would stay with him for any length of time, say that I would get someone younger or he wouldn't be able to keep me happy. It seemed silly to me at the time, I wonder if it was an excuse or just his own insecurities. He never behaved in a jealous way when I was seeing him, but the first hint I had moved on and just been for a drink with someone he became jealous and difficult to deal with. I think he felt like he had guarantees at home and there was a degree of risk in leaving that he couldn't face because he has no idea how to be alone.

 

It sounds like you know what you want and that is out. I am going to have some IC to help deal with what has happened. Perhaps he questions you and your commitment because his own is shaken and he is realising what he has done to someone else and is imagining being on the receiving end.

 

Good luck Star, hope you are ok. Perhaps you both need some thinking time and space.

[scatterd]

He is showing you his true colors he sounds possesive if you get in a realationship with him it will be a mistake. Think about what his wife has gone through. I would bet he does the same with her he does not want to be responsible for anything.If he desides to leave and things do not go the way he thought they would he would blame you it sounds like a no win situation.

If I was you I would run this is him you are seeing he sounds like hes not secure and he exspects the woman to do that job if he does not love his self

and has insecuritys how is he going to love anyone else. I was married to a man like that and it was not fun You keep giving and they keep taking.

I wish you the best listen to what he is telling you good luck and big hugs.

[Star_Bright]

Sweetie just want to say that I think you are dodging a bullet here. Who wants to deal with jealousy like that. He is worried about your comittment to HIM:lmao::lmao: You are single, he is married. He needs some serious IC. He sounds like a very broken individual, do you really want that from a man? You sound like you have your head on straight. I would keep a distance, but I know that is easier said than done. Jealousy is a huge turn-off. If he is feeling this way now imagine how much the jealousy will affect you when he does have you. I would really think twice about continuing a relationship with him. It sounds like you are filling a void in him. He sounds unhealthy. Take care of your own best interests right now and decide later.

 

Yeah, I told him I cannot deal with that and I didn't want to be in a relationship like that. We have had this issue before but it has gotten progressively worse the closer he has come to his own deadline to move out. I do understand him thinking, what if I give up all of this (family unit, nice house, public perception, long marriage, etc.) just to lose her, what if she's not serious? I DO understand his thoughts in that regard and it was frustrating in the past because all I could tell him is that I do love him and want to be with him but of course there are no guarantees on either end and he needs to be sure his marriage is over for its own sake and NOT just because he's staking everyone on me/us. I told him that and went NC and he says now he understands that and he knows it is over for its own sake... yet his jealousy issue has gotten worse.

 

I told him today, maybe I am just starting to see the real non-fairy-tale side of him and I don't like it! And maybe he is starting to see the real me and he doesn't like it even though I think he projects things on me because I really have done nothing against him. He said he thinks the pressure will be off when he moves out and things will get better and that right now he is just being driven mad with worries of being hurt and with jealousy. I like that he is a passionate person and I realize this is one side of it but it is just TOO MUCH for me, I can't handle it.

 

Thanks for the reply LadyDesigner, I'm glad that someone understands where I'm coming from.

[TigerCub]

Oh SB, sweetie, I feel so bad for you in the situation you're in, because to you it might feel like you're just soooooooooo close to having what you want finally, and so if you drop him now, you're likely to have all these feelings of regret and questions of "what if I stuck with it?"

 

But honestly, I'm not here to tell you what to do..

But the way I see it is that he's questioning your commitment because of his jealousy but because he is scared to make that final leap and move out.

 

He could also be turning this whole thing around to pin the blame on you so that if he backs out he feels like he's in the clear - that it wasn't his fault.

 

Either way, I don't think its good for you.

Say he does leave and its W is no longer in the pic, you're the #1 woman in his life - do you really want to be with someone that is so jealous and controlling?

To me, that would be hell, I wouldn't do it.

 

Since he's going to IC right now, tell him to address his jealousy issues, he might as well, if he's promising to "work on them" - that shouldn't be an empty promise. He definitely has to stop doing what he's doing. ANd he needs to work out all his issues (his jealousy, his being on his own for a while, issues with his W so that they are not repeated in his next R)

- that guy seems like a real fixer-upper. Are you ready to deal with all that?

 

I really sympathize with the position you're in right now.

 

I hope you figure out what's best for you and do it.

 

**HUGS**

Edited September 30, 2010 by TigerCub

[2sure]

SB - Wow. This man sounds like his need for assurance and validation is a bottomless pit.

 

He also sounds as though he really really really wants to not be bad the guy so much that....he needs to make others responsible for his own issues.

[LucreziaBorgia]

This is the kind of guy who will spend the rest of your life making you sorry that you ended up with him. No matter what you do or say, when things go wrong he will make it your fault.

 

I would give some serious thought about this and if this is really the sort of person you want to have on your hands full time.

[Star_Bright]

Hi lilbunny. BTW I think your name and avatar is so cute. It makes me smile even when I'm feeling like crap.

 

How big is the age gap if you don't mind me asking?

 

MM in my case was a good deal older than me. It never mattered to me at all, in fact I never really gave it much thought as it is just a number to me.

 

He is 24 years older than me, so, yeah, a LOt older. Like you that never matters to me. I mean yeah honestly when I think of introducing him to my parents I feel like they'd be like woah but other than that, I honestly forget the age gap... maybe he is immature, maybe I am mature, maybe it doesn't even matter, I really think age is just a number and have always liked older guys (but this is definitely the biggest age gap). No one thinks he is that much older than me, he doesn't act or look his age at all, whereas I've dated some guys closer to my own age whose idea of a fun night is playing video games on the couch or watching some stupid sitcom. So I really have no issue with the age difference... he really did at first, and now he says he doesn't, but then he gets this jealousy/insecurity thing going, and then brings up the age gap as a reason he thinks I won't stay with him.

 

He would question whether I would stay with him for any length of time, say that I would get someone younger or he wouldn't be able to keep me happy. It seemed silly to me at the time, I wonder if it was an excuse or just his own insecurities. He never behaved in a jealous way when I was seeing him, but the first hint I had moved on and just been for a drink with someone he became jealous and difficult to deal with. I think he felt like he had guarantees at home and there was a degree of risk in leaving that he couldn't face because he has no idea how to be alone.

 

Woah, totally the same here. MM says he's afraid I won't want to take care of him when he's older... I say I love him and that is part of it. That even if we had just a few years together they would be the best of my life because I have never had such a great time with and great feelings for anyone (which is really how I felt before all of this jealousy stuff.) He is afraid I'll be like, oops, never mind, I wanna go have fun with guys my own age. I don't know where he gets that from, just a fear, he just invents it, because I spend all my time with him.

 

But the part that you bolded... yes, that's so true. Before I went NC I was just waiting around on him to take action. I never pressured him, never asked him to leave, but HE would tell ME he wanted to be with me for real and loved me and wanted me, not his wife, so it got to the point where I had to tell him, look, you say this stuff and you do nothing, and that makes me doubt you and wonder what is really going on... and then his wife asked him if he still had feelings for me (she had found out about us awhile back and knew he was still seeing me because he was never ever home) and he denied it and that was it, I was out because I felt like that was a messed up thing for him to do to both me and her. We were both wanting the truth and a decision from him and he wasn't giving it to either of us. So I went NC and yes when guys showed interest in me it felt good... I didn't want to date any of them (the selection in my city is really not good!!!)... but it felt good to know there were other options besides waiting around on MM. So then MM would try to get back in and he would ask me and I have this horrible habit of telling him EVERYTHING, I just can't hold back around him, I am so open and honest and then he holds it against me later, but geez, I just was trying to tell him, if you don't want me, I am moving on.

 

So then he says he's moving out and wants to be with me and he's mad that I'm "keeping my options open." I said until you are divorced I don't think it's right of you to expect me to just sit around waiting on you. He said he is giving me his whole commitment, moving out and risking it all for me so he wants me to give him my whole commitment. I said okay, I understand that, and honestly I didn't feel ready to date other guys in the first place, I still had all of these feelings for him, so I told him, ok, I am not keeping my options open as long as you are really taking action and making commitments to be with me.

 

Okay so I thought all was fine but now he is still so jealous that while we were in NC and I was trying to move on I was open to possibly dating other guys somewhere down the line. And he is super sensitive about any guy talking to me or asking me out and he says I send the wrong signals. I say I am just being me, I am a nice person, friendly, when a guy comes and asks me my name I'm not a B to them, I also don't encourage them to hit on me and if they do ask me out I say no... I mean, I think he wants me to slap any guy who even looks at me. Seriously. I don't know what he wants. But anyway he has only been this way so bad since he has realized I will move on... like you said I think he thinks, well here is wifey at home who is still with me even after she knows I am having an affair and even when I am never there and probably treat her like crap, and why would I risk that security for Star_Bright who tells me she doesn't want to wait around on me and she can move on? I do get how he can think that but that's just the way things are; he has to pick, he can't have us both, and there's nothing else I can do to give him my guarantees that he has me, I only want him, BUT I only want him if he is going to give me his all, if not, I am moving on. I mean really what else can I do?!?

 

And yes like your guy mine does NOT want to be alone, he has said his marriage is horrible and dead but he is only going to leave it if he can be with me. OK like that makes a lot of sense. I don't get that at all but it must be an MM thing because I hear that a lot around here. What is so bad abvout being alone??!??! Honestly, and I've told MM this, if he and I don't work out I *WANT* to be alone. I don't want to date anyone for six months to a year. And not because I'm still pining over him or wanting to be with him (I'm sure that will be the case and I'll need to heal and don't want a rebound guy) but because I need to come to terms with things on my own and feel strong, and just clinging to someone else doesn't make me feel strong, being alone, even though it can be hard, makes me feel strong. I guess it is different for MMS.

 

It sounds like you know what you want and that is out. I am going to have some IC to help deal with what has happened. Perhaps he questions you and your commitment because his own is shaken and he is realising what he has done to someone else and is imagining being on the receiving end.

 

Good luck Star, hope you are ok. Perhaps you both need some thinking time and space.

 

Thanks lilbunny. What I want is for him to stop being so jealous. But I really don't know if that will happen. And I don't think I can go through one more of those fits like he just had last night. It was horrible. I'm glad you're going to IC-- I think that will help tremendously-- and thanks for your help.

[scatterd]

He said he thinks the pressure will be off when he moves out and things will get better and that right now he is just being driven mad with worries of being hurt and with jealousy.

 

I cant tell you how many times I have heard this and nothing ever changed

I heard this same thing about many other stuff only for things to get worse.

You really need to listen he is telling you the way he is.I swear it sounds like the man I was married to and he only gave empty promises and was very selfish.He is giving yon an excuse and that is not it at all.I wish you well but

I lived years with person that said the same things.He is in secure and when

you end up together you will be responsible for everything that happen such

as you never communicate with him and you will have to be the one to make him feel better.You will give and give and nothing you do will be good enough . I could be wrong but the words were the same I would not be rersponsible for not doing what he exspect should he leave. He will blame you for him leaving his marriage and all of a sudden it will be his wondeful life befre he left.This just sounds so familiar.Good luck and listen to what he says.

[Star_Bright]

He is showing you his true colors he sounds possesive if you get in a realationship with him it will be a mistake. Think about what his wife has gone through. I would bet he does the same with her he does not want to be responsible for anything.If he desides to leave and things do not go the way he thought they would he would blame you it sounds like a no win situation.

If I was you I would run this is him you are seeing he sounds like hes not secure and he exspects the woman to do that job if he does not love his self

and has insecuritys how is he going to love anyone else. I was married to a man like that and it was not fun You keep giving and they keep taking.

I wish you the best listen to what he is telling you good luck and big hugs.

 

Yes yes and yes. This is what I keep telling myself. He expects me to give him what he doesn't give himself, which is real love and respect. How can I do that for him. He probably does expect this of his wife. She does everything for him--bases her life around him--yet that hasn't been enough. I thought they weren't compatible but really he might just take a lot more than he gives. Now that being said he does give me a lot-- time, listening, talking, affection, attention-- which is why I thought we were so good together but he doesn't give me trust and security and those things are huge to me. I am sorry you were married to a possessive man Scatterd, thank you for sharing that experience with me because it makes me stop to think even more.

[Confused4Now]

I'll say this.....sounds like this guy is afraid to walk away without a guarantee of the prize. Sad he doesn't have enough of himself to stand on his two feet. He really needs to learn how to be alone first before jumping going into another relationship. Are you certain you want to babysit this guy while he deals with the death of his marriage. Sounds like you have a better head on your shoulders than him. Good luck....

[Star_Bright]

Oh SB, sweetie, I feel so bad for you in the situation you're in, because to you it might feel like you're just soooooooooo close to having what you want finally, and so if you drop him now, you're likely to have all these feelings of regret and questions of "what if I stuck with it?"

 

But honestly, I'm not here to tell you what to do..

But the way I see it is that he's questioning your commitment because of his jealousy but because he is scared to make that final leap and move out.

 

He could also be turning this whole thing around to pin the blame on you so that if he backs out he feels like he's in the clear - that it wasn't his fault.

 

Either way, I don't think its good for you.

Say he does leave and its W is no longer in the pic, you're the #1 woman in his life - do you really want to be with someone that is so jealous and controlling?

To me, that would be hell, I wouldn't do it.

 

Since he's going to IC right now, tell him to address his jealousy issues, he might as well, if he's promising to "work on them" - that shouldn't be an empty promise. He definitely has to stop doing what he's doing. ANd he needs to work out all his issues (his jealousy, his being on his own for a while, issues with his W so that they are not repeated in his next R)

- that guy seems like a real fixer-upper. Are you ready to deal with all that?

 

I really sympathize with the position you're in right now.

 

I hope you figure out what's best for you and do it.

 

**HUGS**

 

TigerCub,

 

The bolded part is what I totally thought. Because when I met up with him his demeanor and tone were so totally different, and it sounded like a break up speech. Which honestly I was ready for, and in many ways it would just be a relief... I have tried to back off so many times yet he keeps coming back and begging me to be with him... so for him to tell me we are over, he can't do it, would be like, peace, one way or the other, which has started to be all I want. I was totally ready for it.

 

And then he started right off by saying "Now listen, I'm still moving out on Sunday..."

 

So right away I was confused. I started to think that whatever he was going to tell me, it was ACTUALLY about his second thoughts about moving out, or else why else would he start out that way???

 

He told me he had called his friend who is out of the country and asked to stay at his house and he said yes. He said he and his wife had agreed to sit down and talk to the kids on Sunday, after her out of town friend's visit was over, which is when she had asked him to stay through, and then he was going to move out.

 

Ok. And then he said BUT again and then he proceeded to, what I feel was, attack me. My character, the way I am, how I am nice to people, and how he thinks this means he can't trust me and I am not committed to him.

 

And it still sounded like a break-up speech, he would say things like "I don't know about being with someone who..." and then he would use stupid stupid excuses, like one night my friend's boyfriend's brother, when we went out, was kind of playfully hitting on me, like holding my hand as we walked down the street, skipping... I thought this guy was gay, he clearly looks, dresses and acts gay, so I was confused because you know how some gay guys are just fun and touchy-feely, but then he just wouldn't quit it, like wrapping his arms around my waist at the club, and I finally had to tell him to please stop being all over me. Then I asked my friend's brother and he said his brother was bi. So I guess he was kind of seriously hitting on me but it wasn't anything threatening, it was actually just annoying and obnoxious. (And he knows about MM and has hung out with him before... so I sitll dont' think he was seriously trying to get with me but he was just being drunk and dumb.) So I had stupidly told MM about this because MM had said that the guy was making googly eyes at me... and this was awhile ago but yesterday he was using this guy as an example of why he couldn't trust me and I'm not committed to him. What?! I understand if he wants me to be more assertive and yeah if we were legitimately dating it would be a lot easier for me to say "take your hands off me or my boyfriend is going to kiss your A..." or something like that. I see if he thinks I am too nice to people and don't stand up to myself, fine, but to use this guy as an example, like I would want to do something with this clown ANYWAY even if I weren't with MM?! It just seemed so fabricated and made me question myself when really all I did was stupidly be honest to MM about this annoying guy. That was just one example he used but all of them were lame, he had not one example of anything I had actually done against him, just guys who have shown interest in and I was too nice to give them the slap-down (but didn't do ANYTHING and didn't encourage them to do anything... I guess his issue is that I just didn't discourage them enough, or something.)

 

Anyway. I'm not sure if I'm making sense but it was just this feeling of being attacked when I had done nothing wrong. And his tone and look was just so disgusted. So I said okay, this is your way of breaking it off with me. Which made me so mad because I honestly understand if he wants to stay married... I DO... but I think it is so wrong of him to turn it around back on me and act like I'M the reason he's staying married... and then when I confront him about it he says, no, he does not want to break it off with me, he just wanted to give me ways to head guys off so they don't hit on me. Well then why was he being so cruel and saying he didn't know if he wanted to be with someone who has my personality? He says I give off vibes that make guys hit on me. What?! When I go out with my sister she gets hit on ten times more than I do, and she likes it and I don't, I am shy, so I really don't know what he is talking about, I honestly don't. That's why I think he was just inventing stuff to get out of leaving.

 

But now he insists he wasn't doing that and when I say I can't be with him because of his jealousy he swears he will change and says please stay with him. So was I just imagining that he was just doing it to not have to leave and not be the bad guy? Does he want to stay or leave? And at this point if he wants to leave then I really don't know if I can stay with him.

 

Yes I think he needs to talk about it with his therapist. It is something he needs to work on if we are to ever have a chance, and I just don't know if I want a chance with him anymore. If this is who he is, I don't want him, and if he is just doing this to get out of being with me, I certainly don't want him. And if he is doing this because he's scared of getting hurt and taking the risk, I understand that but that is still not a good reason, he needs to find a better way to deal with it!

[lilbunny]

Glad my avatar adds some cheer!

 

There was an 18 year gap between us and he too is quite young at heart, and yes in many ways I see now much more clearly is very childish. I had more in common with him than anyone else I have been involved with, my age or otherwise, so it was never an issue to me. MM had issues with anxiety and paranoia anyway, I doubt that helped either.

 

It seemed like it was pretty much over. Everyone at work knew I was going out for the evening with a man I knew, nothing in it really, both just come out of a break up. I was worried someone else would tell him, so I did. He gave me the third degree about who he was, the 'I'm very happy for your both' just with a bitter tone and then how he was so jealous.

 

He hasn't been a single man since he was a teenager, he has no idea how to function as a single adult and no idea how to deal with a mature break up.

 

We put ourselves through so much for these men. It is only when things have become difficult I have really learned how deep his issues are.

[Star_Bright]

SB - Wow. This man sounds like his need for assurance and validation is a bottomless pit.

 

He also sounds as though he really really really wants to not be bad the guy so much that....he needs to make others responsible for his own issues.

 

2sure,

 

Your posts are always so short and wise, whereas mine are long and confused.

 

He really hates being the bad guy. He has told me that he has tried to make his wife hate him so that it will be easier on him and she will be the one to file. Ewww. So now I think he is trying to make it easier on him to stay married by having me kick him to the curb for his jealousy. Fine, I can do that!!

[Star_Bright]

This is the kind of guy who will spend the rest of your life making you sorry that you ended up with him. No matter what you do or say, when things go wrong he will make it your fault.

 

I would give some serious thought about this and if this is really the sort of person you want to have on your hands full time.

 

I am giving it serious thought for sure.

 

It's like he wanted me to push him to leave his wife. I didn't want to do that so I left. Then he blamed me for not being committed enough to see things through with him and support him. I told him if I did that he may later resent me for making him leave his wife, and that had to be his own decision. Now he swears he knows he is responsible for his own decisions and actions and he will never hold it against me. But how can I be sure? I guess I can't be.

[Star_Bright]

He said he thinks the pressure will be off when he moves out and things will get better and that right now he is just being driven mad with worries of being hurt and with jealousy.

 

I cant tell you how many times I have heard this and nothing ever changed

I heard this same thing about many other stuff only for things to get worse.

You really need to listen he is telling you the way he is.I swear it sounds like the man I was married to and he only gave empty promises and was very selfish.He is giving yon an excuse and that is not it at all.I wish you well but

I lived years with person that said the same things.He is in secure and when

you end up together you will be responsible for everything that happen such

as you never communicate with him and you will have to be the one to make him feel better.You will give and give and nothing you do will be good enough . I could be wrong but the words were the same I would not be rersponsible for not doing what he exspect should he leave. He will blame you for him leaving his marriage and all of a sudden it will be his wondeful life befre he left.This just sounds so familiar.Good luck and listen to what he says.

 

So you are saying he is pointing to the pressures of having to leave as an excuse but he will always be like this and there will be more excuses?

 

He wasn't like this at first, not until quite recently!

[Confused4Now]

2sure,

 

Your posts are always so short and wise, whereas mine are long and confused.

 

He really hates being the bad guy. He has told me that he has tried to make his wife hate him so that it will be easier on him and she will be the one to file. Ewww. So now I think he is trying to make it easier on him to stay married by having me kick him to the curb for his jealousy. Fine, I can do that!!

This guy has no balls...how sad...this is so passive aggressive it's not even funny.... You want to be with a guy who can't take the bull by the horns and make a stand. Crap I walked away from my marriage and a house and said that was enough. Dead marriage I'm done. I just didn't get the prize cause my xMW couldn't do the same....

[Star_Bright]

I'll say this.....sounds like this guy is afraid to walk away without a guarantee of the prize. Sad he doesn't have enough of himself to stand on his two feet. He really needs to learn how to be alone first before jumping going into another relationship. Are you certain you want to babysit this guy while he deals with the death of his marriage. Sounds like you have a better head on your shoulders than him. Good luck....

 

You are a guy, right? Sorry if I have you confused with someone else. If so then I wanted to ask you if most men are afraid to be alone? Because MM is definitely that way. At least he admits it straight out ha ha, but I always thought it was strange when he would tell me he would rather be in his self-described hopeless marriage than be alone. His first choice he says is to be with me but as you just said, he is so afraid of not having me that he is sabotaging us!

[scatterd]

Alot of men dont show who they really are in the beginning but some might come out little by little the more commited and invested you are the more they show I just want you to pay attention he has a problem and when he is not happy or you dont stroke him it will be your fault.I think you do see what

you are being told save your self the pain time goes by fast and before you know it you will be my age and might end up unhappy with him.Find someone who compliments your life and does not have all this baggage.I dont want you to have to learn the way I did its painful and it left me with scars and to your Question the answer is yes.He is insacure and you will be responsible for making him happy when that should not be your job if he is not happy with his self he wont be happy with you.He needs to work out his insecuritys first or he will drag you down and make you feel like you made him feel that way.I lived it you have the knowledge and can see it so do your self a favor let him go find someone who trusts you he will be defensive and will make you miserable.Trust is so important with out trust you cant have a healthy realationship Good luck.

[Confused4Now]

You are a guy, right? Sorry if I have you confused with someone else. If so then I wanted to ask you if most men are afraid to be alone? Because MM is definitely that way. At least he admits it straight out ha ha, but I always thought it was strange when he would tell me he would rather be in his self-described hopeless marriage than be alone. His first choice he says is to be with me but as you just said, he is so afraid of not having me that he is sabotaging us!

Yes I'm a guy...I think it really has nothing to do with how old he was when he got married. For me I think it depends on long someone spends in a marriage...in my case 21 years.

I think the longer you spend time with a person the more comfortable you are...I was pretty much dependent to a point with have a spouse there. I had to learn how to have enough of myself to stand alone. It's been a journey to say the least. I can say I'm there now and ready to be in a relationship. He sounds like he's got a long way to go......ugh

[Star_Bright]

Yes I'm a guy...I think it really has nothing to do with how old he was when he got married. For me I think it depends on long someone spends in a marriage...in my case 21 years.

I think the longer you spend time with a person the more comfortable you are...I was pretty much dependent to a point with have a spouse there. I had to learn how to have enough of myself to stand alone. It's been a journey to say the least. I can say I'm there now and ready to be in a relationship. He sounds like he's got a long way to go......ugh

 

You sound like a rare MM... I think most just stay put out of fear of ending up alone. Good for you. MM has been married 17 years and with her for 19. So there is a lot of comfort and security there.

[Star_Bright]

Look into "projection" because this is what is sounds like to me.

 

He said he's leaving with or without you anyway, which is good. He needs to leave that M because he's done with it. Period. The rest will fall into place, but not until this man does some serious personal work. He sounds like a mess. While you're looking up "projection" you can look up "project" too because I have a feeling that's what he is. Do you really want an emotional fixer upper?

 

The sad thing is I used to admire him so much, he is extremely successful. He came from nothing and made so much out of himself. But I guess that isn't enough, he is still insecure and a mess. I get sad because I had such great feelings for him and now they are slowly eroding... or more like exploding in my face with his grenade.

 

It's funny that you mentioned projection because when we were talking after things had calmed down he said maybe it's that because he likes to flirt he is afraid I am that way too. Then he said he has changed a lot about himself to show he is committed to me, like no longer looking too long at other women and flirting with them, and he just wants me to do the same. Okay. So because he's had an issue I guess he thinks I have an issue but I really don't agree. Yes I can be more assertive and he wants me to be stern with guys so they don't think I'm interested in them, but I have also not given them any indication of interest. He doesn't even say that I have- he says I don't put up a stop sign so they see it as a green light to hit on me more. I am just questioning everything, like, is he right that I need to be more assertive-- I have had other boyfriends and none of them have said anything about me wanting guys to hit on me or letting them or any of the things MM says. Overall I would like to be more assertive about a LOT of things and I do try to work on it but he makes it seem like if I don't tell a guy to P--- off the second he talks to me, then I'm "inviting" them to continue. That I give them a green light and I need to give them a stop sign. So anyway I guess it does boil down to projection because he does like attention from women and likes when women are into him, and I think he thinks I'm that way with guys. Well everyone likes to be noticed but honestly I get uncomfortable and awkward when I am hit on, I certainly don't flirt back like I've seen him do (which he says he has changed and to his credit I don't see it like I did when I worked with him and we weren't together yet).

 

Okay, anyway, projection, I will keep that in mind, thanks.

[Angel1111]

This is the kind of guy who will spend the rest of your life making you sorry that you ended up with him. No matter what you do or say, when things go wrong he will make it your fault.

 

I would give some serious thought about this and if this is really the sort of person you want to have on your hands full time.

 

Amen to this. This guy shows a lot of signs of being verbally abusive. Putting blame on another person and being extremely jealous are two of their most common tactics. This will mushroom if you end up living with him or marrying him. You need to lose him and lose him quick. Forget about the emotional connection you feel toward him. He will totally wreck your life if you stay with him. Before he moves out, if I were you, I'd tell him that he might not want to move out, that he's right, you don't feel like the relationship between the two of you is going to work out after all, and that maybe he should just stay with his wife.

 

He will pull every stunt in the book to get you back - don't fall for any of it. These men are extremely screwed up and although his wife would probably thank you for getting him out of her life, I'd suggest you run for the hills and lose this guy.

[Star_Bright]

Amen to this. This guy shows a lot of signs of being verbally abusive. Putting blame on another person and being extremely jealous are two of their most common tactics. This will mushroom if you end up living with him or marrying him. You need to lose him and lose him quick. Forget about the emotional connection you feel toward him. He will totally wreck your life if you stay with him. Before he moves out, if I were you, I'd tell him that he might not want to move out, that he's right, you don't feel like the relationship between the two of you is going to work out after all, and that maybe he should just stay with his wife.

 

He will pull every stunt in the book to get you back - don't fall for any of it. These men are extremely screwed up and although his wife would probably thank you for getting him out of her life, I'd suggest you run for the hills and lose this guy.

 

You know... I think things, and then I come here, and they're validated, and it feels so good to know I'm not crazy. I was thinking "verbal abuse." This lashing out at me and being cruel has happened a few times in our relationship... and twice recently regarding his jealousy towards other men. And it really took me down, made me feel so crappy about myself, made me so emotionally upset, but even in my upsetness I was thinking, I am not a bad person, I shouldn't let him make me feel this way. It's like he was purposefully trying to hurt me (although I really don't think he is.. it's like something he can't control and just does???) and it cuts me to the core. It results in me telling him to go away and leave me alone, or leaving wherever we are. He does leave me alone but he quickly tries to find a way back in and is very nice and apologetic and I'm like, ummm what just happened to the YOU were showing me a little while ago? Now you're back to the old lovey dovey kissy cuddly you. Like Jekyll and Hyde.

 

And this morning when I woke up I thought, it's like after a guy hits a woman and she is upset and he doesn't care, he just keeps inflicting pain, but then after he's had time to think, he comes back all apologetic and begs for another chance. Even though he's not physically abusing me, it does feel like a form of abuse.

 

And sadly he was raised with (physical) abuse and I had often wondered how he could have lived through that and not exhibited those actions himself. Well maybe he does but it's emotional instead of physical. He can be a really aggressive hot tempered bully, and I had seen him be like that to other people but blamed it on work and his profession is one in which aggression is revered... so I had never seen him use it on me until recently. I guess we did have some big blow-ups when his wife first found out and I went away and he didn't want me to come back to work. I did feel like this then but the whole thing was so explosive I didn't realize what was going on, I thought we were both just in a volatile state. Now when things are supposedly good and he is supposedly leaving and he acts like this over jealousy, I see that it could very well be emotional/verbal abuse. :(