2themoon&back Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 opinion as the OW, i feel like the world or society has more rights to an opinion about me or what i did or choose to do, than i do. i have been judged, labeled, hung, hated, shunned, disregarded (surprisingly not burned at the stake) and treated badly, because everyone has an opinion of my actions ... well so do i !! (LS and a few of my loved ones are the only place i have found understanding) and my opinion of my actions are this... i am not proud of my actions, they surprise even me and at the same time i am not ashamed of them either, not to be confused with no remorse, just not shame. i have been on both sides of the fence here, as a BS and as a OW, and i found out that i am ashamed that i every blamed the OW, because she was never the one who promised me anything --so it was not her responsibility to keep my xH faithful to me, maybe now because i have been the OW i can see this, so i also have learned not to judge to harshly until i have been there! i also do not feel i deserve any special treatment because i was involved with a MM, just equal treatment that is given to the MM, it seems to me MM get forgiveness faster and easier than the OW, because of some narrow ways of thinking, this to me is sad. no one person is to blame when there are at least 2, 3, sometimes 4 people involved in an A. When the BS knows about the A, it is then their duty to take care of themselves in the situation, not the responsibility of the OW, or even the MM (he has already shown BS, he does not have their best interest first) and nothing happens to us that we do not allow to happen to us once we are made aware it. i also do not think i deserve any understanding from anyone, just the respect that i made a decision for myself (good or bad) and i will be the one to live with that decision and some decisions are hard enough to live with, no one has the right to try to make that harder, yet some will try. i believe we as people all have made bad decisions at some point in our lives, but these decisions do not and should not define us as a whole person... they don't!!! i am still a good person and my core is decent!! i am not trying to justify my choice (I do not have to ) ... just giving my opinion of my choice, after all it was my choice and i did know the consequences of that choice. i am just surprised that A's have been going on as long as there have been people on the earth and will continue to exist long after my A if forgotten, but it is such a passionate topic, even more than M, and i have to wonder why this is .... we read books about it, watch movies, some of the greatest love stories were A's and we get all caught up in the romance of it (even if it ends badly) and with all of this --- people will still look down our nose at someone that has had an A. i do not regret my decision to have an A, i cannot, i have to own it and deal with all that comes with it... because in truth i would still choose the same and i would do it the same way again, even knowing how it turned out because of what i got from it was worth the cost to me... and in my opinion that is all that matters!!!!!
ladydesigner Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 opinion as the OW, i feel like the world or society has more rights to an opinion about me or what i did or choose to do, than i do. i have been judged, labeled, hung, hated, shunned, disregarded (surprisingly not burned at the stake) and treated badly, because everyone has an opinion of my actions ... well so do i !! (LS and a few of my loved ones are the only place i have found understanding) and my opinion of my actions are this... i am not proud of my actions, they surprise even me and at the same time i am not ashamed of them either, not to be confused with no remorse, just not shame. i have been on both sides of the fence here, as a BS and as a OW, and i found out that i am ashamed that i every blamed the OW, because she was never the one who promised me anything --so it was not her responsibility to keep my xH faithful to me, maybe now because i have been the OW i can see this, so i also have learned not to judge to harshly until i have been there! i also do not feel i deserve any special treatment because i was involved with a MM, just equal treatment that is given to the MM, it seems to me MM get forgiveness faster and easier than the OW, because of some narrow ways of thinking, this to me is sad. no one person is to blame when there are at least 2, 3, sometimes 4 people involved in an A. When the BS knows about the A, it is then their duty to take care of themselves in the situation, not the responsibility of the OW, or even the MM (he has already shown BS, he does not have their best interest first) and nothing happens to us that we do not allow to happen to us once we are made aware it. i also do not think i deserve any understanding from anyone, just the respect that i made a decision for myself (good or bad) and i will be the one to live with that decision and some decisions are hard enough to live with, no one has the right to try to make that harder, yet some will try. i believe we as people all have made bad decisions at some point in our lives, but these decisions do not and should not define us as a whole person... they don't!!! i am still a good person and my core is decent!! i am not trying to justify my choice (I do not have to ) ... just giving my opinion of my choice, after all it was my choice and i did know the consequences of that choice. i am just surprised that A's have been going on as long as there have been people on the earth and will continue to exist long after my A if forgotten, but it is such a passionate topic, even more than M, and i have to wonder why this is .... we read books about it, watch movies, some of the greatest love stories were A's and we get all caught up in the romance of it (even if it ends badly) and with all of this --- people will still look down our nose at someone that has had an A. i do not regret my decision to have an A, i cannot, i have to own it and deal with all that comes with it... because in truth i would still choose the same and i would do it the same way again, even knowing how it turned out because of what i got from it was worth the cost to me... and in my opinion that is all that matters!!!!! Amen to that:laugh: I probably feel the same exact way being both a BS and an XMOW. The part I liked the best that you pointed out is the bolded part, which I believe to be very much true otherwise the A would have never happened no? But I believe the MM has no ones best interest but his own. But I have to agree the judgements a lot of the times are very harsh and well, to each his own I guess. I always feel that unless you have been in those persons shoes you don't really have the right to make a judgement. Really the only one that can and will judge is g-d or whatever it is, higher power, etc. I am not religious by any means but I am a good person and try not to judge others harshly. I believe the ones who judge the harshest still have some of their own hurdles to get over.
2sure Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 because in truth i would still choose the same and i would do it the same way again, even knowing how it turned out because of what i got from it was worth the cost to me... and in my opinion that is all that matters!!!!! Yeah, its the last part there people are probably giving you a hard time with. The rest is pretty much what we all agree on.
Circular Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 Amen to that:laugh: I probably feel the same exact way being both a BS and an XMOW. The part I liked the best that you pointed out is the bolded part, which I believe to be very much true otherwise the A would have never happened no? But I believe the MM has no ones best interest but his own. But I have to agree the judgements a lot of the times are very harsh and well, to each his own I guess. I always feel that unless you have been in those persons shoes you don't really have the right to make a judgement. Really the only one that can and will judge is g-d or whatever it is, higher power, etc. I am not religious by any means but I am a good person and try not to judge others harshly. I believe the ones who judge the harshest still have some of their own hurdles to get over. Firstly, I'll say that once it happened to me I suddenly had my eyes opened and felt shame for being so harsh and judgmental to those that had gone down this path. It's not as simple as some people like to paint it out to be. Second, I don't think you can say the MM only has his interests at heart, my xAP did as well, as does anyone that typically goes down this path knowingly. In the end, I put my interests last.
ladydesigner Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 Firstly, I'll say that once it happened to me I suddenly had my eyes opened and felt shame for being so harsh and judgmental to those that had gone down this path. It's not as simple as some people like to paint it out to be. Second, I don't think you can say the MM only has his interests at heart, my xAP did as well, as does anyone that typically goes down this path knowingly. In the end, I put my interests last. Circular what i meant by that and this is coming from a married person, was that the MM does not have his wife's best interest (he chose to have an A) or MOST of the time his AP's best interest (because come D-Day they are usually thrown under the bus). I know during my A I did not have my H's best interest or my XAP's best interest I was in fact selfish and it was all in my own self-interest. Looking back now it makes me that I was that person.
Author 2themoon&back Posted September 30, 2010 Author Posted September 30, 2010 Yeah, its the last part there people are probably giving you a hard time with. The rest is pretty much what we all agree on. 2sure... thanks i do value your input and you may be right about that last part, but the thing about that is, i have to be honest, why lie to be popular. and you know no one ever has asked me what i really got from it anyway... so until that happens... no one should have opinion of it right?
Author 2themoon&back Posted September 30, 2010 Author Posted September 30, 2010 ladydesigner thank you thank you thank you .... you get it! thank you for getting just where i am coming from, it is more validation than i could ask for !
Author 2themoon&back Posted September 30, 2010 Author Posted September 30, 2010 Firstly, I'll say that once it happened to me I suddenly had my eyes opened and felt shame for being so harsh and judgmental to those that had gone down this path. It's not as simple as some people like to paint it out to be. Second, I don't think you can say the MM only has his interests at heart, my xAP did as well, as does anyone that typically goes down this path knowingly. In the end, I put my interests last. it sounds like you get it as well ... thanks
Confused4Now Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 (edited) Amen to that:laugh: I probably feel the same exact way being both a BS and an XMOW. The part I liked the best that you pointed out is the bolded part, which I believe to be very much true otherwise the A would have never happened no? But I believe the MM has no ones best interest but his own. But I have to agree the judgements a lot of the times are very harsh and well, to each his own I guess. I always feel that unless you have been in those persons shoes you don't really have the right to make a judgement. Really the only one that can and will judge is g-d or whatever it is, higher power, etc. I am not religious by any means but I am a good person and try not to judge others harshly. I believe the ones who judge the harshest still have some of their own hurdles to get over.I totally with you on this one. Being xMM myself with a xMW....I agree I was only looking out for my own best interest. However I realized there was something broken inside of me and it was time for me to let my xW find someone who could give her what I couldn't and let me say she still wants me back. As for my xMW she's still married and staying with H. I don't judge her for what she's done cause I don't walk in her shoes. I do know why I left my marriage and the problem was there before I met my MW. Forgot to add that I'm a xOM now.... Edited September 30, 2010 by Confused4Now
Author 2themoon&back Posted September 30, 2010 Author Posted September 30, 2010 I totally with you on this one. Being xMM myself with a xMW....I agree I was only looking out for my own best interest. However I realized there was something broken inside of me and it was time for me to let my xW find someone who could give her what I couldn't and let me say she still wants me back. As for my xMW she's still married and staying with H. I don't judge her for what she's done cause I don't walk in her shoes. I do know why I left my marriage and the problem was there before I met my MW. Forgot to add that I'm a xOM now.... *********** i do not want this to go unnoticed ************* i have sooooo much respect for your honesty and how awesome it is that you are willing to take responsibility for yourself and your actions!!!!!! This should read and re-read by both men and women!!!! i felt like i would no longer be faithful in my M, because i wanted something different than what i was getting and after MC and my exH saying he was not willing to do the work to make M better .... the only choice was D. me and my exH are good friends now. ExH felt that i should be free to find my own happiness and not be denied it because of his issues in himself. Thank you for your post ... i believe a lot of MM/MW that have A's never are that honest with themselves and if they were, they would be a lot happier with their lives. And do not let me forget to thank you for not judging MW on her decisions as well!!! You have my upmost respect!!!
SoMovinOn Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 I found myself in a situation where it would likely lead to an affair. I initially thought I, we, would do everything possible to avoid it. ... but, we are too much in love, fit too well together. Being apart, we'd be miserable. So... we're having an affair, because that's the best we can do for right now. We're both OK with it. If no one else it, that's fine too.
pureinheart Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 Firstly, I'll say that once it happened to me I suddenly had my eyes opened and felt shame for being so harsh and judgmental to those that had gone down this path. It's not as simple as some people like to paint it out to be. Second, I don't think you can say the MM only has his interests at heart, my xAP did as well, as does anyone that typically goes down this path knowingly. In the end, I put my interests last. It's interesting how we are allowed to enter into a situation in order to gain compassion:). C, I totally nailed my very good friend to a cross shortly before this happened to me. She was so forgiving, I never heard "I told you so" from her...still haven't.
pureinheart Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 I totally with you on this one. Being xMM myself with a xMW....I agree I was only looking out for my own best interest. However I realized there was something broken inside of me and it was time for me to let my xW find someone who could give her what I couldn't and let me say she still wants me back. As for my xMW she's still married and staying with H. I don't judge her for what she's done cause I don't walk in her shoes. I do know why I left my marriage and the problem was there before I met my MW. Forgot to add that I'm a xOM now.... ((((((hugs)))))) Like C said, "it's not as simple as some people like to paint it out to be"..you got my thoughts and prayers for healing and a good outcome for you...BTW, I have always thought you were cool:)
pureinheart Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 opinion as the OW, i feel like the world or society has more rights to an opinion about me or what i did or choose to do, than i do. i have been judged, labeled, hung, hated, shunned, disregarded (surprisingly not burned at the stake) and treated badly, because everyone has an opinion of my actions ... well so do i !! (LS and a few of my loved ones are the only place i have found understanding) and my opinion of my actions are this... i am not proud of my actions, they surprise even me and at the same time i am not ashamed of them either, not to be confused with no remorse, just not shame. i have been on both sides of the fence here, as a BS and as a OW, and i found out that i am ashamed that i every blamed the OW, because she was never the one who promised me anything --so it was not her responsibility to keep my xH faithful to me, maybe now because i have been the OW i can see this, so i also have learned not to judge to harshly until i have been there! i also do not feel i deserve any special treatment because i was involved with a MM, just equal treatment that is given to the MM, it seems to me MM get forgiveness faster and easier than the OW, because of some narrow ways of thinking, this to me is sad. no one person is to blame when there are at least 2, 3, sometimes 4 people involved in an A. When the BS knows about the A, it is then their duty to take care of themselves in the situation, not the responsibility of the OW, or even the MM (he has already shown BS, he does not have their best interest first) and nothing happens to us that we do not allow to happen to us once we are made aware it. i also do not think i deserve any understanding from anyone, just the respect that i made a decision for myself (good or bad) and i will be the one to live with that decision and some decisions are hard enough to live with, no one has the right to try to make that harder, yet some will try. i believe we as people all have made bad decisions at some point in our lives, but these decisions do not and should not define us as a whole person... they don't!!! i am still a good person and my core is decent!! i am not trying to justify my choice (I do not have to ) ... just giving my opinion of my choice, after all it was my choice and i did know the consequences of that choice. i am just surprised that A's have been going on as long as there have been people on the earth and will continue to exist long after my A if forgotten, but it is such a passionate topic, even more than M, and i have to wonder why this is .... we read books about it, watch movies, some of the greatest love stories were A's and we get all caught up in the romance of it (even if it ends badly) and with all of this --- people will still look down our nose at someone that has had an A. i do not regret my decision to have an A, i cannot, i have to own it and deal with all that comes with it... because in truth i would still choose the same and i would do it the same way again, even knowing how it turned out because of what i got from it was worth the cost to me... and in my opinion that is all that matters!!!!! I got judged because the other guys were pissed because all of the attention went to exDM (they were trying to go out with me)...one of them who didn't hit on me but judged ended up in a major A...interesting I thought. Mostly people didn't care, not that big of a deal, also I have a lot of friends and family that think a lot of me, so why should I care if a couple have issues ...when in fact they don't even know the real sitch to begin with. Personally I have never cared that much what others think. In bold, those are your true friends/loved ones. These are the people that love you for who YOU are, not some performance superficial based that says, I love you "if". Good, shame is a demon IMO and serves nothing redeeming at all. Yep, me too...this sitch and another one a few years prior ( a different circumstance of judgement). Thank you, we all fall short, I stay away from people who perceive themselves to be perfect. I prefer those who are imperfect.
Author 2themoon&back Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 I prefer those who are imperfect. i agree with you !!!
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 You just said this on another thread, so I'm replying here as I don't want to threadjack someone else's thread.. f it makes you feel better ... you are already way ahead of me and i have been in NC for 3 months ... and i am still not ready to except that it is over ... i will not even let go of the pain because it is all i have left In the long run, how is this helping you? Hanging onto the pain? You say it's all you have left.. Meaning what? Something that makes you "feel" some sort of intensity for him? The A is over. Let yourself truly grieve the loss, cry it out, feel that pain and work through it, so you can begin to heal. Atleast start the healing process.
Author 2themoon&back Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 You just said this on another thread, so I'm replying here as I don't want to threadjack someone else's thread.. In the long run, how is this helping you? Hanging onto the pain? You say it's all you have left.. Meaning what? Something that makes you "feel" some sort of intensity for him? The A is over. Let yourself truly grieve the loss, cry it out, feel that pain and work through it, so you can begin to heal. Atleast start the healing process. i am mostly an honest person and i will tell you the truth ... i am not ready to move out of this spot. i know i will not heal much because of this, but i just cannot seem to move and do not really want to ... maybe to hold on to some false hope or to hurt as much as i can so that i will never be tempted to go here again, either way it is where i am for now and i have just stopped, maybe just to take a breath, or break or to gather strength to go to the next step. i am not sure but i am ok with where i am for now and i have no doubt i will move when i am ready and feel i am able. This situation has so many levels that has changed my life in so many ways i am dealing with mutable wounds and i have had to grieve so many different losses... i think i am just tried right now and will just hurt till i choose to feel something else and I hope that i will want to heal in a more positive way, but it is not right now. I know that may sound dumb to some people but it is where I am and I hope I helped you understand what I am saying and from what i understand the grieving period is a part of the healing process and people can stay there for a long time ... move on and go back to it ... so for me i am where i am and doing my very best in the situation. so thank you for your questions and your insight ...
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