Another "Is there hope?" thread...

[isthmus]

So I'm hoping to get some advice on my situation because every time I think about it, I get even more confused. I'll try to keep it relatively short.

 

So my story- we were friends for 4 years, before we starting going out as bf/gf. We went out for a year- it was the intense kind of love where we saw each other almost every day and would call or msg each other all day long. We had amazing chemistry. But on top of those highs, we also argued a lot over the little things. Most of the fights, which I only realised after we broke up, were caused by my immaturity and general inability to argue fairly and not act like a child. I was demanding and didn't treat him as well as I could have... and this pushed him away. He was always patient with me in the beginning, but slowly, I wore his patience down

 

The final two months of our relationship were plagued with massive fights.. to the point where we were on the verge of breaking up every week or so. But every time, one of us would pull it back the day or two after, and we would be fine again. Finally, we had another little fight, and he called it quits for good.

 

As it goes... you only realise how much you love someone once they are gone. I did the whole crying and begging thing for about two weeks... there was nothing I wanted more but to have him back, having realised my mistakes in how I treated him. He was responsive and really caring, but was firm on his decision. I was devastated, but decided I needed to move on.

 

The very next day, he tells me he's confused. He doesn't know what he wants. He misses me and our happy days, cares a lot about me, but doesn't want to go back to such a draining relationship. He enjoys his freedom and being able to have time to himself. He doesn't want any commitment. I can understand his fears in not wanting to go back to a suffocating relationship, and I know I was demanding of his time.

 

So now we've fallen into some kind of arrangement.. where we still kind of act like we're together (contact each other every day, kiss when we're together, even sleep together sometimes). But we're not together because he doesn't want to commit. This arrangement was going great- I was happy, i didn't need an answer or decision right away, we went on dates and it felt like our first few dates all over again- we felt very in love. I guess in my head I was hoping he'd see how much he enjoys being with me, and decide he wants to get back together.

 

Now in the past week or so, he's gone a bit cold again. Not completely cold (he still comforted me when I was crying because of some family issues)... but he hasnt shown as much affection. He says its probably because he's realised we have less and less chance of getting back together, because he's likely to be moving to another country next year for work (if we were still together, he would've stayed). This has made him realise maybe it's not worth fighting for.

 

I feel anxious every day, analysing his every move and every contact, trying to see what he's feeling and looking for signs that I'm just being used as an emotional footstool to help him get over our relationship.

 

I don't know what to think or what I should do.

 

On the one hand, I think maybe he's using me and trying to have his cake and eat it too.. by stringing me along while he tries to sort out his feelings. He's all fine because he doesn't have to miss me, and he gets all the time and space he needs, while I'm always really nice and show affection when he wants it. I do know that he's not actively seeking another girl to replace me though, and he does respect my feelings in that way.

 

On the other hand... maybe I should just be patient and give him the time and space to sort his feelings out. Maybe I should just hack it and be anxious and see how this all plays out because the alternative would just be to let him go. I just can't bare the thought of him not being in my life. I'm too scared to stop our arrangement, for fear of driving him away. It's like if i'm not around him, he'll forget how great we can be together. And I know he does enjoy spending time with me and flirting with me.

 

Any advice on what I should do? Let it go for good because there's no hope of him coming back? Or stick it out and see how it goes?

 

xx

[Don Ho]

Go NC with the idea of moving on with your life. Yes, you're giving him what he wants without having to commit to you. I think you'll find yourself dumped when he finds someone else if you don't.

[paleblue]

I think it sounds like you should consider giving yourself a little breathing space and think about things. Like remove yourself from the situation and gain some clarity. Sorry for sounding blunt, but its not sounding good according to what you have to say.

 

“he's likely to be moving to another country next year for work (if we were still together, he would've stayed). This has made him realise maybe it's not worth fighting for.”

 

“he tells me he's confused. He doesn't know what he wants. He misses me and our happy days, cares a lot about me, but doesn't want to go back to such a draining relationship. He enjoys his freedom and being able to have time to himself.”

 

“He doesn't want any commitment.”

 

 

Is there anything positive going on that would suggest he is going to commit to you and stick around? Or are you now just being used as a sex toy until he moves to another country? To me it sounds like he is just using your body until he moves. Sorry. Move on. Find someone who wants what you want. A commitment. And someone who is worthy of your time and of your affection.

[Confused9]

I agree with the OP's I think you need to go NC with the idea that you are moving on. NC is for you...for your sanity...not for hopes that he will come back after he realizes how much he misses you. I know this probably isn't waht you want, but honestly, it seems like he has made up his mind and in the long run it will be better for you to just move on.

 

Who knows what's causing this, who knows why he's acting the way he is, but for you and for your well being you really need to move on. I think anyone who's relationship is ended and not by there choice has those moments when we don't think we can make it through and are so confused, holding on to every word, and even though they are saying things we analyze them and make them in to somethign else, it's a coping mechanism.

 

I've been there and I know this sucks but he's already closed this chapter of his life and he is having his cake and eating it to right now and you need to stop that.

 

I'm very sorry, I know how much this hurts!

[isthmus]

Thanks for all your replies... it gives me something to think about. I guess it's not what I wanted to hear, but maybe what I need to hear.

 

Deep down, I do not think he's using me for sex. It's only happened twice and he's always extremely careful in making sure it's what I really want and respects my decision when I say no.

 

I also feel like we were on the road to recovery, before he found out he missed out on a job in the same city as me. He was sad and felt like fate had told us it wasn't meant to be. This makes me think he would've committed and given it another shot... if only he did get the job.

[isthmus]

So I have taken all of your advice and gone NC. I emailed him today and told him I need to move on and not to contact me. It hurts so much Every moment I just want to pick up the phone and call him and tell him I take it all back.