Partner's friend - what is he playing at? Should I confront him?

[lkjh]

Just women? Never guys? Is it always the guys who get destroyed?

 

My SO and I have in fact been married many years so it's not just a case of dumping him...

 

I spoke to him though - couldn't bring myself to go through with telling all and I know that is cowardly but that's where I am just now. I told him about all the issues in our relationship that had come to a head just prior to all this. He said it was a 'bolt out of the blue' - I was amazed to hear that he didn't have any idea how unhappy I had been. I felt I had tried to talk to him many times before - obviously not seriously enough. At least we've started to talk now.

 

 

Both get destroyed this is true. But when men have cheated they do a lot of horrible things like lying, or shifty behavior but women are the ones that seem to rewrite history, lay out a bunch of problems they want their H to fix but conveniently leave out that they are cheating. Women look for justification for their actions. They seem to think that the only reason they cheated was because something is missing in their relationship. They have trouble admitting that the cheating is a character flaw. They follow the same pattern as a college kid that failed a test that he or she didn't study for. They blame the professor or course but never themselves.

 

 

For the rest of your post you really didn't do anything that proves you care about your H. You layed out a bunch of things YOU don't like and want him to work on. All the while hiding the fact that you went after his "friend".

 

I didn't know that you two were married, sorry I must have missed that. But that doesn't change the fact that you should either be honest or set him free. Lying to him about this is the most horrible thing you can do besides the actual action. You are showing him zero respect yet you are requiring him to change. Can't you see how you are just using him and not even considering him in your actions?

 

 

You do realize that you are just putting a band aid on a much bigger injury. You will be in the presence of the OM again and things will get bad. You are being too selfish and you are going to end up destroying your H. You took some vows now live up to them. Sit down and just tell you H what you have done. You haven't physically cheated, you were just excited about another man paying attention to you. At the very least your H will know not to be friend with that pos.

[cyberfriendxx]

Both get destroyed this is true. But when men have cheated they do a lot of horrible things like lying, or shifty behavior but women are the ones that seem to rewrite history, lay out a bunch of problems they want their H to fix but conveniently leave out that they are cheating. Women look for justification for their actions. They seem to think that the only reason they cheated was because something is missing in their relationship. They have trouble admitting that the cheating is a character flaw. They follow the same pattern as a college kid that failed a test that he or she didn't study for. They blame the professor or course but never themselves.

 

 

For the rest of your post you really didn't do anything that proves you care about your H. You layed out a bunch of things YOU don't like and want him to work on. All the while hiding the fact that you went after his "friend".

 

I didn't know that you two were married, sorry I must have missed that. But that doesn't change the fact that you should either be honest or set him free. Lying to him about this is the most horrible thing you can do besides the actual action. You are showing him zero respect yet you are requiring him to change. Can't you see how you are just using him and not even considering him in your actions?

 

 

You do realize that you are just putting a band aid on a much bigger injury. You will be in the presence of the OM again and things will get bad. You are being too selfish and you are going to end up destroying your H. You took some vows now live up to them. Sit down and just tell you H what you have done. You haven't physically cheated, you were just excited about another man paying attention to you. At the very least your H will know not to be friend with that pos.

 

I take on board all you said about how I should tell the truth - it's simple on paper - very difficult in real life. But I shall give it alot of thought. I love my partner v much and have always been there for him in the past.

 

I can't believe that all guys 'just' lie and act shifty and that all women rewrite history and blame it on the H. Surely that's a huge and inaccurate generalisation? I am not blaming my H for what I did. I am just trying to make a start on sorting out the problems that were obviously there before.

I'm not sure many people 'cheat' or think about cheating in their life unless they have something missing in their relationship. A few perhaps.

Usually there are complex reasons why we fail at things. Most of us are earnestly trying to get it right and sometimes get it wrong.

[lkjh]

Look go back and read the threads on here,if not all then most. Even you are doing it now

 

 

I can also say the there are a lot of guys on here that were destroyed because they were working on their relationship and then found out that their SO was cheating. Don't be that person. He will never recover if you do that to him

 

You can't say its too hard in real life because you chose to go after his friend in real life. This is not a joke. What you are doing can do some very bad and permanent damage to your H. And you are making it worse

[Bryanp]

Hello again,

 

I am going to generalize something so here goes. Many men are simply dense and they are not mind readers. I found it interesting that your husband felt that your comments about unhappiness was a bolt out of the blue. You have to be direct and specific. It is excellent that you have started communicating. Discuss the issues and how you perceive to fix them and then ask him what he thinks and how to fix them. I think this is an excellent start. I still believe that you are being deceitful by not telling him the truth. I am sure this will come back to bite you on many levels.

 

This is just a thought but why not write a letter to him discussing what happened and why you think it happened. Sit with him and ask him to read it completely before you begin discussing it with him. This is a chance to really open up communications and realize how critical your unhappiness has become. I wish you luck.

[cyberfriendxx]

Hello again,

 

I am going to generalize something so here goes. Many men are simply dense and they are not mind readers. I found it interesting that your husband felt that your comments about unhappiness was a bolt out of the blue. You have to be direct and specific. It is excellent that you have started communicating. Discuss the issues and how you perceive to fix them and then ask him what he thinks and how to fix them. I think this is an excellent start. I still believe that you are being deceitful by not telling him the truth. I am sure this will come back to bite you on many levels.

 

This is just a thought but why not write a letter to him discussing what happened and why you think it happened. Sit with him and ask him to read it completely before you begin discussing it with him. This is a chance to really open up communications and realize how critical your unhappiness has become. I wish you luck.

 

Thanks. Perhaps it will come back and bite me. I take on board your thought about writing a letter. I think he has already realised there was a serious lack of communication before. I wasn't asking him to read my mind in the past although any comments I did make simply didn't make it on to his radar.

 

I will mull it over..

[cyberfriendxx]

LOL, sorry OP, but don't kid yourself that no one knows about this already. In fact most likely EVERYONE in your circle of friends already knows (except for your husband of course) because the man you've been cheating with no doubt has been bragging about it to everyone and telling them how "easy" you are; and what a complete chump your husband is.

 

You can't play "footsie" or whatever you were doing at the villa, have long meaningful stares etc., and seriously expect no one else noticed! I assure you: SOMEONE NOTICED!!!!

 

This will def. end very badly for you one way or another. The only way to try to save your marriage, if that's what you want to do, is to come clean with your husband and let the chips fall.

 

That nonsense about being unhappy in your marriage is pretty much par for the course what bored, cheating wives tend to say.

 

We weren't playing footsie, although he did keep on giving me long hard stares and being attentive and taking opportunities to be physically close. I didn't encourage him at all at the time so am just not sure about who might have noticed. They haven't said anything and if perhaps they had said something it is not the sort of social circle where it would be addressed. It would have been glossed over and not mentioned - I can't explain this without going into detail but believe me this is true.

 

I am still in total confusion about what to do and how to handle it. There are complications which are very far-reaching - again to do with the set up of the social circle/family relationships etc etc which I can't explain without a huge story.

 

Being unhappy in my marriage is absolutely not nonsense - there were issues which had been there for years - I was not a 'bored' 'cheating' wife. I have never been 'easy' and my H is not a 'chump'. That is all very stereotypical and completely 2 dimensional.

[lkjh]

We weren't playing footsie, although he did keep on giving me long hard stares and being attentive and taking opportunities to be physically close. I didn't encourage him at all at the time so am just not sure about who might have noticed. They haven't said anything and if perhaps they had said something it is not the sort of social circle where it would be addressed. It would have been glossed over and not mentioned - I can't explain this without going into detail but believe me this is true.

 

I am still in total confusion about what to do and how to handle it. There are complications which are very far-reaching - again to do with the set up of the social circle/family relationships etc etc which I can't explain without a huge story.

 

Being unhappy in my marriage is absolutely not nonsense - there were issues which had been there for years - I was not a 'bored' 'cheating' wife. I have never been 'easy' and my H is not a 'chump'. That is all very stereotypical and completely 2 dimensional.

 

 

Cyber didn't you say he sat next to you and put his leg against yours and left it there? Didn't you say you text him a few times while on the vacation? Didn't you say he had his friend call you from a restricted number and you recognized the voice? Can't you see how all of this points towards people knowing?

 

Think with your head and look at this from the outside in. You are imaging the best possible outcome and that most likely not the case

 

Also for all you know his partner had someone call you and ask your name because she wanted to know who was sending her bf text

[lkjh]

You are just assuming and wishing it was him that set up the prank call when it could have been someone else

[cyberfriendxx]

Cyber didn't you say he sat next to you and put his leg against yours and left it there? Didn't you say you text him a few times while on the vacation? Didn't you say he had his friend call you from a restricted number and you recognized the voice? Can't you see how all of this points towards people knowing?

 

Think with your head and look at this from the outside in. You are imaging the best possible outcome and that most likely not the case

 

Also for all you know his partner had someone call you and ask your name because she wanted to know who was sending her bf text

 

Yes he did sit next to me but often the body contact was out of sight of others. I did text him but he didn't tell any others at the time - he wouldn't want anyone in the close circle to know - believe me. I can't go into all details cos it's complicated but I am certain that if he told others (and this person who phoned me on a withheld is someone I know of but I don't actually know and is someone well outside our social circle) the people he would tell would not be in our circle. He hasn't told the social circle because if he had, believe I WOULD know about it.

 

It was not his W setting someone up. It was someone I know he would 'confide' in.

 

It's hard to explain my certainty about this without going into long and complicated details.

[cyberfriendxx]

Women look for justification for their actions. They seem to think that the only reason they cheated was because something is missing in their relationship. They have trouble admitting that the cheating is a character flaw.

 

I have thought alot about why I acted as I did and can’t make much sense of it. Is this a ‘flaw’ in me? The difficulties in my relationship have been around for some considerable time. I hadn’t taken heed really of how I felt. My H is a good man and has always been loyal to me and I to him. I love my H. This is the background...

 

He has become quite snappy and disgruntled at times with me and other members of the family. I feel like the rock who holds it all together, organising the house, bills, family arrangements etc etc.

 

My H has over the past few years become obese and I do not like it. I did try to help and encourage him to lose weight, watching what we ate, limiting alcohol consumption etc. I encouraged him to do exercise but he always said he had no time and to be fair he is working long hours. However he was generally disparaging when I aired my concerns and feelings about it. He said sometimes I was ‘shallow’ for thinking that looks were important and he repeatedly said he would do something about his weight but he never has.

 

He has also smoked heavily for many years and this has affected his health too. He has always been a fairly heavy social drinker and a regular evening home drinker. Throughout our relationship I have often told him that I do not like him drinking so much. Socially this means on occasions I am uncomfortable watching him playing the fool and getting out of control. At best when having drunk alot he is unconcerned and oblivious. At worst totally incapable of doing anything, unpredictable, and very dismissive and hostile to me when I ask him to not drink anymore.

 

Rightly or wrongly all this has upset me and I had become frustrated about it over a long time. I had spoken to him regularly about it but he did not take my concerns seriously.

 

I had taken to regularly sleeping elsewhere other than our bed because of his snoring. He had always been a bit apologetic if I brought the subject up but never really made attempts to deal with the issues.

 

I had been dreading this holiday because I knew there were no spare beds. I would have to sleep next to him and I had asked him prior to us going many times if he would limit his alcohol intake in an effort to stop him snoring so badly. He didn’t really take much heed at all.

 

None of these are excuses I realise and they may sound like pathetic excuses given to look for justification. II have hurt my H but I didn’t set out to hurt him. I acted the way I did because I was thinking about me and not him. It was a consequence of a bad decision.

Anyway it's call got more complicated now - will write a new post.

[cyberfriendxx]

My H has found out that I texted and rang. He first found his friend’s number in my phone, I dismissed it. Then whilst I was away a couple of days he found evidence of the texts and phone calls. He confronted me and I told him that I was really sorry I lied, yes there was contact. I had texted and phoned – I said it was because his friend’s behaviour had concerned me (ie flirting) at the time and I wanted to know why he had done it.

 

I told my H his friend said he had done nothing at all on the holiday and it was all a mistake. I said we put the matter to rest.

 

My H has said he had been devastated when I told him all the issues in our relationship that were wrong and he was immediately suspicious of what lay behind it. He has been very down and disturbed and confused. My H seems happy now he knows but I haven’t told him the whole story I know. He seemed so relieved that I have admitted to the texts and phone call and I still feel so confused about what I feel...

 

Then my H tells me the OM (his friend) has phoned him and initiated contact with him – he has seen him a couple of times. The OM apparently has been asking my H how he is, how I am, why he is low, what is going on for him at home..... My H has not told the OM he knows ANYTHING. He doesn’t want to.

 

Now my H says that the OM and his W are going possibly go to a show in a couple of days that we have tickets for... we booked ages ago. Apparently the OM just dropped it into the conversation with my H when they discussed it that 'last minute he decided he might go too if he had nothing better to do'!

 

Is he going to go? We’ll be there just the 4 of us – why would he want to? – I can’t understand why he wouldn’t want to avoid me and my H if it was possible? After all I had expected and had told him that I didn’t expect to see him for ages. My H and I are both really confused about this now.

[Bryanp]

Hello again,

 

You were so sure that your husband would never find out and now he knows part of the truth. Again you refuse to tell him the entire truth. Good grief what do you think will happen when he finds out again you have not told him the whole truth? What you are doing makes no sense at all.

[cyberfriendxx]

We went to the show - I suppose I should have made an excuse not to go but my H seemed quite keen for us to go although he was apprehensive. My H's friend and his W turned up - he was acting very casual - gave me a big hug and asked how I was. I knew I had gone partly because I wanted to see him again and felt bad for that.

 

As I said my H knows his friend and I had a phone call about how he had behaved when we were away but I just explained to my H that we had dealt with it and it was sorted.

 

I just couldn't get an idea of why he bothered to come along. The weird part of it was - he (the friend/OM) had no idea my H knew about our 'conversation'. No-one owned up to what they knew - mad scenario.

 

Anyway on the way home my H told me again about how devastated he had been to discover the texts/phone call from me to the OM. He said he had been convinced we were starting an affair and that the evidence he found was just the start of it. I told him truthfully that I hadn't had any other contact with the OM apart from what my H already knew about.

 

My H then went on to say he had felt so low and distressed he had even gone off on his own one day I was away and contemplated suicide.

 

I was shocked to the core. He says that since I confessed to the initial phone contact he felt better though. He's in two minds about talking to the OM about what he knows. I've said that I don't want him to ask the OM about it but I am not insisting on it.

 

I am now even more scared of what will happen if he finds out the content and context of my texts/phone calls. If he knew the total truth would it make him feel worse - the thought of him harming himself because of what has happened is horrendous... he seems quite unstable at the moment -its scary.

 

If I tell him and he does get worse and do something stupid... ?

 

If I contact the OM and explain what's happened will he feel guilty and tell the whole truth? Will that make it worse?

 

I just keep on hoping it will all die down - that the OM will stop contacting my H and let things quieten. But I feel bothered and uncertain as to why he is making contact with my H and me when he doesn't need to.

 

I'm not going to contact the OM. I think I've decided on that.

 

Final complication - I saw the OM at the show and my emotions were all over the place. I realised I've got real feelings for him and never had them like this before in my life. This is something I've never experienced before and I can't stop thinking about him.

 

Still so confused by myself and confused by the OM's actions. Worried and scared about what the truth will do to my H. Still a total mess.

[lkjh]

OK Im starting to think that this post is fake but if its not I am sorry to say this but you are not a smart person. I know that sounds cruel but it is the truth. You keep digging deeper and deeper. Just come clean because right now you are slowly torturing your H and he will find out the entire truth. He is now on a mental mission and he will continue to see flaws in your cover up story and will eventually put piece by piece together.

 

Its like a bandaid, you pull it off fast not slowly

[cyberfriendxx]

OK Im starting to think that this post is fake but if its not I am sorry to say this but you are not a smart person. I know that sounds cruel but it is the truth. You keep digging deeper and deeper. Just come clean because right now you are slowly torturing your H and he will find out the entire truth. He is now on a mental mission and he will continue to see flaws in your cover up story and will eventually put piece by piece together.

 

Its like a bandaid, you pull it off fast not slowly

 

This is my life and it isn't fake. Sometimes though I find it hard to cope with how my life has suddenly gone from simple to wildly complicated almost overnight. I hear what you say but I am uncertain about how badly things could go.

 

I have confided in my closest friend but I can't talk to anyone else. I don't have a close emotional relationship with any of my family and in any case my H's friend has close ties and connections to some of my family too so it is really difficult.

 

My H is due to see his friend again this week and this looks like being regular contact now. My H and I are continuing to talk about it all. I am scared to do something and scared to do nothing. Sorry

[lkjh]

This is my life and it isn't fake. Sometimes though I find it hard to cope with how my life has suddenly gone from simple to wildly complicated almost overnight. I hear what you say but I am uncertain about how badly things could go.

 

I have confided in my closest friend but I can't talk to anyone else. I don't have a close emotional relationship with any of my family and in any case my H's friend has close ties and connections to some of my family too so it is really difficult.

 

My H is due to see his friend again this week and this looks like being regular contact now. My H and I are continuing to talk about it all. I am scared to do something and scared to do nothing. Sorry

 

Well if this is real you need to tell your H. We told you to tell him earlier and you said he would never find out and then he did. Take our advice now and stop acting like a chicken with their head cut off

 

You opened the door and now the OM just wants sex from you. He thinks its possible because of how poorly you handled the situation. If you are worried about the OM being attached to your family just imagine how it will look when your H divorces you because of your affair with the OM. This will most likely go in that direction. Nip it in the butt while its young. Tell your H up front the truth. Stop torturing him with lies and half truths.

 

 

Just think about how disgusting your actions are. Do you really want to be that person. Your H will find out.

[cyberfriendxx]

My H asked me to tell him the truth - and I did. He had actually worked it all out for himself and asked me just to confirm it all. He was hurting badly and I didn't want to lie anymore.

 

I told him everything that had happened and that I had feelings for the OM but I wasn't doing anything about them. The OM has been acting weird and my H has become suspicious of his motivation for finding out what's going on in our relationship. My H have talked long and hard about our relationship and also about everything that's been going on.

 

We both feel like it's some kind of weird triangle at the moment and I don't know what to do for the best. Neither does my H. Am going to post again in another forum.

[reservoirdog1]

Here's the question: how badly do you want to fix your relationship with your H? And how much work are you prepared to do in order to fix it?

 

Cutting off all contact -- ALL contact, in whatever form -- between you and the OM is, hopefully, an absolute no-brainer. Send him an email telling him that you will not be in any further contact with him, and that he is not to contact you again. Let your H read it before you send it, and let him watch you send it. (If he's part of your social circle, you should enlist your H's help in not seeing the OM. Tell him that you don't want to see the OM, that seeing him makes you uncomfortable, and that you need him to help you avoid that.)

 

After that, if the OM phones, you hang up. If he sends you a text message or email, don't respond. And if he approaches you in person, walk away. And most critically -- IMMEDIATELY tell your H about this attempted contact, and if it was by email or text, let him read the message before you delete it.

 

Trust, as they say, takes years to build and seconds to destroy. And one of the requirements in building it is a consistent pattern of verifiable behaviour. By showing your H that you're not hiding anything from him anymore, he will gradually start to trust you again.

 

So how do you do that, and rebuild his damaged trust in you? For example, you can give your H absolute, unconditional, unrestricted access to your cell phone, email, facebook, and internet history records, any time he wants them. Give him your passwords so that he can check those things whenever he wants, without you knowing. As time goes by and he sees that you're not hiding anything, he will start to trust you again and he'll stop seeing the need to check up on you.

 

And most importantly, do those things WILLINGLY. Act like you WANT to do them. Don't make him nag you into them. Yes, you'll feel like you're sacrificing your privacy, but you have a choice here. You can decide you don't want to do the necessary work to rebuild his trust, and end the relationship. As the one who damaged the trust, the primary responsibility for rebuilding it is yours.

 

During the day, make a point of phoning or texting your H, just to say hi or to let him know what you're doing. Let him know when you're going to be home, and stick to it. If you're out with friends, tell him who you're out with and where you're going.

 

Counselling would also be good for the two of you.

 

Good luck... you have a lot of work to do. I wish you the best.

[wicar1]

My H asked me to tell him the truth - and I did. He had actually worked it all out for himself and asked me just to confirm it all. He was hurting badly and I didn't want to lie anymore.

 

I told him everything that had happened and that I had feelings for the OM but I wasn't doing anything about them. The OM has been acting weird and my H has become suspicious of his motivation for finding out what's going on in our relationship. My H have talked long and hard about our relationship and also about everything that's been going on.

 

We both feel like it's some kind of weird triangle at the moment and I don't know what to do for the best. Neither does my H. Am going to post again in another forum.

 

If it's not fake then...

 

Seems the OM wants sex from you and you are willing to give it to him. I feel bad for your poor husband. You better dump him before you go for this OM.

 

Being double betrayed sux pretty bad.

[lkjh]

Well you are to blame. You opened the door for this and now you have to decide what to do.

 

Remember when you said your H would never find out. You really are treating him awful