victoria.v Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 Long story short: we've been in a LDR for 1 year, and we've met (in real life) a while ago. In the beginning of our relationship, he was really cute, sweet and careful, we used to talk a lot and have fun together, he used to send me cute messages each morning, e-mails with surprises for me etc. Gradually, up to now, these things almost stopped. When we've met everything was perfect, he was as careful & nice as I imagined. No complaints about this I don't want to get into too many details, but please note that I know he would not have came to meet me, if he didn't like me. What's currently bothering me: I miss him being cute with me. We talk daily, but he's not as affectionate as he used to be. I don't want more attention than he used to give me, but I miss waking up (at least once in a while) with a message or mail from him, and I miss him sharing his feelings I try to understand that maybe he's busy at work, and has other problems to solve too (actually, he assured me that everything's fine, even if he's busy), but when he used to do all those nice things for me, he was working in the same place... Do you have any opinion on this? Like why this is happening, how I could make him understand what I miss, without to seem clingy etc. Thanks!
megapatel Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 I'm going through a similar thing. It seems like he has gotten comfortable or overwhelmed with the LDR thing. Maybe you should say that you're going to be busy for the next few days doing stuff or that you're going to be out of town or do something for yourself. Emotional distance makes the heart grow fonder too.
Romance Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 This has happened a few times throughout my ldr. You just need to have a little talk with him and explain that you've been feeling a little disconnected lately and you miss occasional sweet messages from him and you don't want to fall into a rut Or maybe even try sending HIM the cute messages, being lovey dovey etc and maybe it'll just get him back into acting that way again.
Author victoria.v Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 Thank you I'm going through a similar thing. It seems like he has gotten comfortable or overwhelmed with the LDR thing. Maybe you should say that you're going to be busy for the next few days doing stuff or that you're going to be out of town or do something for yourself. Emotional distance makes the heart grow fonder too. Luckily enough, I'm moving out this week, and I'll be busier than usual for a couple of days. I was thinking about the same thing, that he has gotten either comfortable (when the sparkle and excitement are gone), either overwhelmed (though, I really hope it's not this thing). This has happened a few times throughout my ldr. You just need to have a little talk with him and explain that you've been feeling a little disconnected lately and you miss occasional sweet messages from him and you don't want to fall into a rut Or maybe even try sending HIM the cute messages, being lovey dovey etc and maybe it'll just get him back into acting that way again. Well, for me too, this has happened before - when he was really busy at work - but it didn't use to last more than a couple of days, and even then he used to "spoil" me and be more careful. I talked to him about what I miss, but without getting too much feedback. He told me that he understands but I'm overanalyzing the situation, and that I should stop being worried because nothing has changed. I'm not insane to imagine that things were different; probably his feelings are the same, but how should I know that? Oh, and I'm sending him cute messages and tell him nice things, but he doesn't reply anymore with something "special" (he just says some general things). I'm extremely afraid not to seem clingy and desperate and I don't want to bother him. I wish I could understand him better...
electricity Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Guys act differently when they're trying to get you to date them vs when you're dating them. To be fair, so do girls. How differently and in which ways they change differ from person to person. He's probably just gotten comfortable with you and so is acting differently; I doubt a lack of cute messages means he no longer feels for you. Did you express how extremely happy it made you every time he did the cute things? Positive reinforcement works! Tell him it makes you happy if he does the cute things once in awhile. He should put in an effort to do what makes you happy every now and then, but you probably also need to understand that he won't revert back to the way he was at the start of the relationship.
Author victoria.v Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 Thanks electricity. It makes sense... I hope things will get better, and that he won't completely lose interest into me
LittleTiger Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Hi Victoria, welcome to LS and sorry to hear things aren't going as well as you'd like. I don't quite understand the timeframe of your relationship. When, exactly, did your boyfriend start acting differently? Is it very recent or was it soon after/immediately after you met IRL? I know you say you don't want to give details but it would help to know how things went when you were together too. What did you do, where did you meet, did you have sex etc? I don't want to put a damper on things but it's difficult to give you an opinion with so little information to go on.
Author victoria.v Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 Hey LittleTiger. I didn't want to give too many details thinking that they would have made the story too long and boring; but I don't mind answering to questions if someone needs additional details. We met (online) over one year ago, and we've been together ( whatever this could mean in a LDR ) for one year. We met IRL 2 months ago. He started acting differently a while ago before we met, so it wasn't soon after our meeting. During our meeting everything was absolutely great (he was really sweet & careful, he payed attention to my needs, and sexually, everything went just as great). After we came back, I think we got back into our routine. Some extra details that might be helpful: he's 10 yr older; because of the time zones, when we talk, I'm already done with my daily "business", while he's still at work. I guess I'll stick to LS for good advices
LittleTiger Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 (edited) Thanks for answering my questions Victoria. A few more for you if that's ok. When you say he's 10 years older, how old are you both? If you're 18 and he's 28 that's rather different from you 30 and him 40. Who travelled to see who when you met and where did you meet? Your house, his house, hotel etc? How long were you together - a few days, a week, a month? Have you made plans to meet again? Sorry for all the questions but the more information you give the easier it is to give an honest answer. Edited October 1, 2010 by LittleTiger
Author victoria.v Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 Thanks for answering my questions Victoria. A few more for you if that's ok. When you say he's 10 years older, how old are you both? If you're 18 and he's 28 that's rather different from you 30 and him 40. Who travelled to see who when you met and where did you meet? Your house, his house, hotel etc? How long were you together - a few days, a week, a month? Have you made plans to meet again? Sorry for all the questions but the more information you give the easier it is to give an honest answer. Yes, that's ok I'm 21 (so he's 31). I get your point; I always thought that the same age difference has a different impact at different ages (phew, lots of "differences" in here). We went into a trip together, for about 10 days, on neutral ground (hotel). We planned everything together and we agreed on everything. And yes, we have plans to meet again (we often talk about "the next time") - but we haven't planned anything seriously yet. We both decided that it'd be too soon now to concern ourselves with another trip.
LittleTiger Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 Yes, that's ok I'm 21 (so he's 31). I get your point; I always thought that the same age difference has a different impact at different ages (phew, lots of "differences" in here). We went into a trip together, for about 10 days, on neutral ground (hotel). We planned everything together and we agreed on everything. And yes, we have plans to meet again (we often talk about "the next time") - but we haven't planned anything seriously yet. We both decided that it'd be too soon now to concern ourselves with another trip. Ok, here's what I think. It's a bit different from what other's have said and maybe not what you want to hear. You're 21 years old, with your whole life ahead of you. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing you haven't yet had a serious relationship and this is possibly the first time you have 'fallen in love'. This man is 31 years old and has a life, wherever it is that he lives, and he's getting on with it. He met an attractive young girl (on the internet?), made her feel special enough that she wanted to meet him. Managed to 'bag' himself 10 days in a hotel without even trying and without any commitment to meeting up in the future. He no longer makes you feel special because he doesn't have to. He got what he wanted and you're still hanging around waiting for him to give the signal for another 'conjugal visit', whenever he decides he's ready. The power differential in this 'relationship' is too great. He holds all the cards. He has the aces and he's dealing you the 'rubbish'. If that sounds a bit brutal or harsh then I'm sorry, but this is honestly how I see it. He may even have a girlfriend back home (as you haven't been there you won't know). I'm just curious here, but what do you mean when you use the word 'careful'. You have described him as 'careful' twice. Do you mean caring or something else? My advice here is to end this relationship. If you've already explained that you're concerned about him apparently backing off and he's done nothing to reassure you (other than tell you things are fine), he's obviously not prepared to put any more effort in than he already is. All relationships involve give and take and this man is not giving you anything. What are you really getting out of this relationship that's worth having?
aerogurl87 Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 Ok, here's what I think. It's a bit different from what other's have said and maybe not what you want to hear. You're 21 years old, with your whole life ahead of you. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing you haven't yet had a serious relationship and this is possibly the first time you have 'fallen in love'. This man is 31 years old and has a life, wherever it is that he lives, and he's getting on with it. He met an attractive young girl (on the internet?), made her feel special enough that she wanted to meet him. Managed to 'bag' himself 10 days in a hotel without even trying and without any commitment to meeting up in the future. He no longer makes you feel special because he doesn't have to. He got what he wanted and you're still hanging around waiting for him to give the signal for another 'conjugal visit', whenever he decides he's ready. The power differential in this 'relationship' is too great. He holds all the cards. He has the aces and he's dealing you the 'rubbish'. If that sounds a bit brutal or harsh then I'm sorry, but this is honestly how I see it. He may even have a girlfriend back home (as you haven't been there you won't know). I'm just curious here, but what do you mean when you use the word 'careful'. You have described him as 'careful' twice. Do you mean caring or something else? My advice here is to end this relationship. If you've already explained that you're concerned about him apparently backing off and he's done nothing to reassure you (other than tell you things are fine), he's obviously not prepared to put any more effort in than he already is. All relationships involve give and take and this man is not giving you anything. What are you really getting out of this relationship that's worth having? I agree with LittleTiger, he got what he wanted and now is ready to move on. When someone really likes someone (or loves them) they will want to make plans to be together ASAP. He's just saying "oh we'll be together again" to string you along more than likely, until he's ready for another booty call that is. Not meaning to sound blunt but it's probably true. I'm 20 and my ex is now 31. After going what I went through I wouldn't recommend the average person in their early 20s to date anyone 5 years older than them, why? Way different expectations out of the relationship and usually both people are at two different places in life. I'd end the relationship and just move on at this point.
Author victoria.v Posted October 2, 2010 Author Posted October 2, 2010 I came here asking for opinions, so why getting upset for receiving them (no matter how blunt they may sound)? Everything everybody said could be true: that he has gotten comfortable with the relationship, that he's overwhelmed or that I'm nothing more than a "booty call". If I made him seem like a douche that's taking advantage of me... I'm sorry. He's a nice guy, helped me when I needed it, he's smart and well behaved... he has all kind of qualities that made me like him. I had a previous relationship of 4 years. I'm currently in college, I have many exams and I'm busy with so many other stuff. He'll have to move out as well, and solve some of his problems... so it's a bit too soon now (for both of us) to think about another trip, or about him visiting me (it's something impossible right in this moment). I know him, his family and some of his friends and he doesn't have anyone else (a gf back home). There are husbands cheating their wives, and they are living in the same place (for example)... so I'd rather not suspect him of anything like this. And yes, by careful I meant caring I didn't say it in a negative way. My plan is to wait for another month or two, and then talk to him about seeing each other again. If he'll be determined to go on with what we have now, I'll let things flow naturally... but if he'll be vague or if I notice that he doesn't want to put any effort, as sorry as I might be at first, I'll put an end to this relationship. I know I have my whole life ahead, and I don't want to basically lose my time, fighting in vain like Don Quixote. I'll keep you updated (once in a while) with what happens. Thanks again for taking time to answer me!
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