acac2323 Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 OWL, I read onetime that after your spouse had the EA you looked at yourself and marriage different. Thats my delimma. I feel I will never EVER blind trust anyone again. My wife had an EA that totally blindsided me. We are healing the marriage, however I feel like a different person. I feel like if I won the lottery I would give her half and go away...I feel bad for thinking like that as we have kids. Are you back to a complete trust of your wife yet? My wife was found out by me in Nov 2009 so things are still kind of fresh for me... I suppose I should be healed by now...
Owl Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 Acac- I'm still here my friend. I took a bit to go back and read your 'details' thread from December so I could catch up on your situation. It does sound similar to what I went through. I wanted to ask you though...what specifically are the two of you doing (or have done) to work through this and recover your marriage? Marriage counseling? Individual counseling? What specific changes have the two of you made in your marriage to recover after her affair? What steps has she taken to rebuild trust? My wife has rebuilt my trust in her. I haven't 'snooped' on her email/phone/etc... in years. I trust her as much as I'm likely to ever trust anyone. With that said, it took a lot of hard work on both sides to get to this point...and it took at least two years before our marriage was where I'd consider it 'recovered'...that was WITH that hard work. If both parties don't put forth that effort...it can take years longer to get that point...if they do. So yeah, I'm in a better place now my friend. But I'd like to know more about what steps you guys are taking to recover your marriage?
Snowflower Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 OP,you are exactly one year behind me in terms of "recovery time" and I even sometimes think that it is "early days" in some respects for me in terms of recovery time. So, I think you are certainly right in feeling that it is still very fresh for you--because it is! I think what you wrote is perfectly normal. You are questioning everything about your life, yourself, your wife and your marriage together. When you look back on this in a few more years' time, you will likely realize that this painful period in your life was also a time of incredible personal growth for YOU. No matter what you decide or ultimately happens to your marriage, you will come out a better, stronger person for this. I know, I know, it sounds cliche and maybe not even what you really want to hear, but it's true. And this knowledge will be an invaluable gift that you give yourself. It's incredibly painful, yes, but you will learn so much about yourself. I echo what Owl said. Have the two of you gone to counseling? What is your wife doing to help repair the damage she caused? And I think if you don't know what you ultimately want to do with your marriage, that's fine too. Take as much time as you need to decide what is best for you...there is not set timetable for this because everyone is different. As an aside, hey Owl, thank you for all the help you provide to people here, myself included! I'm glad you stick around on these boards. I know you went through an incredible amount of pain just like all BS here have. However, it seems like you used your painful experience to help others. Do you feel like your pain, as horrible as it was, had at least some good outcomes in how you help others? You don't have to answer this, but thank you!
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