I believe my long-term bf cheated on me, but he will deny it to his grave! Thoughts??

[viciously_sweet]

Hi all! I'd really appreciate your guys' insight on this, because it's really got me distraught and I don't know what to think..

 

I have a long-term bf of several years and we live together. This summer he went on vacation back home and while he was there he connected with a girl from his past who I know he used to have feelings for because they've made out when they were teenagers. Anyway, they went to some event together and then out to a bar with her friend for some drinks. He told me he DID NOT get drunk. Then I found out on another occasion that he went over to her house to watch a movie (alone). This really saddened me but he says he doesn't see an issue with that and that nothing happened between them.

 

When he got back he immediately insisted that we use a condom (which we haven't used for years since I am on birth control and we are in a monogamous relationship). When I asked why he told me that since we were planning on taking a break he did not want any chance of me getting pregnant. This was very hard for me to believe since we've always relied on birth control with no problems. (We are taking a break because I am moving to be with my family for a few months because we have recently lost my brother). So the move is scheduled for a couple of months from now and that's why he thinks then would be a good time for us to take a break and assess our relationship. Mind you, we have known about this move all year and only when he got back from vacation did he ever bring up "taking a break" and has started acting different.

 

Anyway, in the past several weeks he has always cited this excuse every time I asked him to make love--his reason being "since we are planning on taking a break I think it's best we don't do anything". Very hard to believe since we are still in a relationship and love each other. Also right when he got back from vacation he scheduled a checkup appointment with all the usual blood tests which I thought nothing of until I saw on his calendar "Get HIV test" scheduled for a few months down the line. When I confronted him about it he had some convenient excuse that he just wanted to know. * * * ?? Why would he need to know if we've been in a monogamous relationship together..and why would he put that specific thing "get hiv test"? After I asked him about it he changed it to "get health checkup"..go figure!

 

My friends tell me that until I have concrete evidence he will deny this all the way to his grave, and I think they're right. My bf told me he wouldn't care if I contacted the girl in question so I write her a sincere message just asking for the truth but she hasn't responded yet. I am thinking it's because he probably told her not to say anything if I asked.

 

Any thoughts on this? I'd like to know what you guys would be thinking or what you'd do if you were in my situation. Please help..I've been so faithful and devoted to this guy that it's killing me to be in this predicament..all I really want is the truth. Thanks!

[PegNosePete]

He cheated on you. For definite. There is absolutely no other reason that someone would get a STD test when they've been in a monogamous relationship for years. You've got several major red flags here.

 

It does seem strange to me though, that you should take a break while you go away. Let me guess, it was his idea to label your going away as a "break" rather than remaining committed? He wants to "assess the relationship"... I think he already has assessed it, and decided the grass is greener elsewhere. Sorry.

 

As to whether he'll deny it to the grave... maybe. But I think this is more girl behaviour than guy. If you are confident that you know what happened and dump him and he knew he had nothing more to lose, then he might admit it, whereas a girl would deny it to the grave even when it doesn't matter any more. That's a huge generalization though, everyone is different

[2themoon&back]

viciously_sweet

hi, i am sorry you are in such turmoil in your relationship. i have to ask is this unusual to have any turmoil in your R? Has your R been rock solid up to this point... if so then this is a sign of things may be changing in the R, along with this situation.

 

My bf told me he wouldn't care if I contacted the girl in question so I write her a sincere message just asking for the truth but she hasn't responded yet. I am thinking it's because he probably told her not to say anything if I!

 

my advice is to never involve the ow, one is because she may have her own agenda (it allows her to see you are vulnerable in your R)and and may not give you what you need and two it is not her responsibility to validate you ... that goes to your long term bf.

 

What if she did answer you and said "yea, we slept together", your bf will just say she is lying and you are back at square one...still not knowing the truth.

 

Any thoughts on this? I'd like to know what you guys would be thinking or what you'd do if you were in my situation. Please help..I've been so faithful and devoted to this guy that it's killing me to be in this predicament..all I really want is the truth.

 

as far as the truth goes.....i have found you may never get the whole truth and i am not sure when we are questioning it so much if we really want it. i think we question it because we are not happy with our own truth---the one in our gut....trust your gut... it does not have an agenda!!!

 

i understand you have been "faithful and devoted" to your bf, but this is not a guarantee that anyone will be the same to you... trust what your gut is telling you, take your break, and do some soul searching for YOUR self.

 

do you need to be so devoted to someone who will not help you put your fears and insecurities to rest when they come up... because if you plan on staying in the R, what does the future hold...more insecurities not being taking seriously by your bf?

 

Good luck and keep posting you it will give you a place to look at others perspectives and help you find your own answers…

 

I do wish you the very best… it sounds like you are worth the best !!!

[Maggotface]

First off let me share my condolances on the loss of your brother. It has been years since my brother has passed and it is still very hard to deal with at times.

 

Now onto the point of this thread. If I had to bet money on it, I'd say he did cheat. Now, you'll never know for sure unless he confesses which he might and who knows what this girl might tell you. The HIV test is a HUGE red flag. Was this "break" his idea?

[jnj express]

Your gut is telling you he cheated----trust your gut

 

You have a change of circumstances sexually----all the red flags are up----he cheated----he is also probably still in contact with her

 

Do not contact her again----your beef is with your cheating BF----since you are not married, and have no legal entanglements---it is time to walk away, and start your life over

 

You do not need to spend the rest of your life wondering/worrying about what your cheating BF is doing when he is away from you----

 

Go home heal your self, and do not go back to him----he is scum.

[Mangled]

I'd say it's very likely that he cheated, given his sudden insistence on condoms and his scheduled HIV test. Nobody gets an HIV test if they're in a long-term monogamous relationship unless they're doing intra-venous drugs, which you'd likely have some evidence of.

 

Have you considered the possibility that he cheated on somebody other than the girl you mention? His casual permission to have you contact her might be a ruse, but he might also be confident in that communication because he didn't have sex with her, but rather with another woman (or man, for that matter).

 

There is one positive, though... at least he has the decency to insist on condoms to protect you until he verifies that he's clean...

[Joe Normal]

Trust your intuition and gut feel on this one.

 

Try bluffing - say that you did some asking around, and someone told you that he and her got it on. Say you will leave immediately and break up for good unless he tells the truth. Tell him there's no point in lying since you know something happened. See what his reaction is.