KitKate Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 I met a guy on an internet dating site. We have been chatting and texting every day throughout the day since we first made contact. He and I are both in extremely busy grad school programs. We are both definitely under a lot of stress and deadlines, so our schedules are limited and making plans to see each other have been a challenge. However, we communicate a great deal every day. And recently, we have seen each other more regularly. Even so, we have not progressed very much physically over the course of 6 dates. I'm not used to just very, very innocent kissing (and not too much of it) for several dates in a row with no physical progression, which is how our dates have been. Maybe it is normal and I've just been dating some disrespectful guys in the past? Regardless, this is a bit new/different/strange to me. I'm not sure whether it is because he is disinterested, nervous, seeing others, or being respectful? I should add that he definitely seems very inexperienced physically. However, I, too, am also inexperienced. I should also add that we are both in our 30's...just to give a better picture of the circumstances. A rundown: 1st Date: Nothing physical or romantic-- we ended with a casual side-hug outside of the restaurant and he didn't walk me to my car. 2nd Date: This time, he walked me to my car and gave me a short kiss on the lips. 3rd Date: Dinner, movie at my place. We kissed a little, snuggled on the couch barely, then he left because he had an early internship the next day. 4th Date: We had dinner, drinks, watched a movie at his place, cuddled, and kissed a bit. Same as 3rd date. 5th Date: A few days after our 4th date, he wanted to see me again. We had drinks, watched a movie, snuggled on the couch, kissed a little. He left after about 1.5 hours because he had an early class the next morning. 6th Date: We met again a few days after our 5th date. Very casual. Dinner, drinks, tv. We made out on his couch and he (finally!) tried to make some physical progression....although most were still very PG. Well, things were getting just slightly more hot and heavy than the usual minor kissing when he said that he needed to get more work done to prepare for a major assignment at his internship the next morning. I was a little surprised that he stopped when things were starting to progress a bit more physically. I could "tell" he was "excited" (if you know what I mean) but at the same time, I could also tell that he was very, very inexperienced or out of practice, and also nervous. He didn't know where to put his hands and he made out like he had not done it before. I am also not very experienced, so I don't mind. Nonetheless, isn't that even more of a reason for him to be so excited that he would not call it a night so soon? We still contact each other throughout the day, every day in some way, and he told me how much he enjoyed our last date. But I can't help but wonder why he seems to physically move so slowly---and how he was obviously "excited" but ended the night when things could have maybe progressed a bit more? I can't think of too many reasons. Is he disinterested? Seeing someone else? Nervous? Concerned about his inexperience? Overly responsible? Or is he just being very respectful? I know it is not because he is bound by religious ideals or conservative ways. He does believe in premarital sex, etc...so that can't be the reason. Are there other reasons? I can't seem to understand.
Star Gazer Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 Does it bother you, KitKate, that he's not just grabbing you and being more assertive about his attraction for you? Because the reasons why aren't as important here as whether or not it's something you can handle.
phineas Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 He could be nervous. He could be shy. He could also be waiting to see if you throw him down & rip his clothes off. Men love that stuff.
alexlakeman Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 I've had a date , within the first 1-3 dates be the aggresor approaching me to make out, another made the approach and just grabbed my d.ick, and another just zipped down my zipper while I was driving and ate me at d end of the night. So in those three instances they were the aggresor and I had noooooo complaints . They all ended in nice heavy sex the same night. Certainly I would've pushed for more within the 2nd-4th date as d guy any way. So something's wrong with this guys, especially in his 30's. I'd say do any of the above yourself next time ur kissing or start unbuttoning his shirt for example. Or sit on him while kissing , still dressed and dry hump him. I mean if at that point he doesn't get it, I'd ask him straight out "don't I turn you on?" or something.
OceanGirl Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 So men would be fine if girl initiates physical/sex on say the 4th date? They won't think that she is too desperate?
PegNosePete Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 So men would be fine if girl initiates physical/sex on say the 4th date? They won't think that she is too desperate? Most men would be fine if you initiate sex within 10 minutes of meeting him!!!
OceanGirl Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 Most men would be fine if you initiate sex within 10 minutes of meeting him!!! Wow that's news to me. I always thought men would feel that the woman that does that is too desperate.. I think I am going to take it up a notch when I next see my guy...
PegNosePete Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 I think I am going to take it up a notch when I next see my guy... Excellent - tell him I received his cheque already
OceanGirl Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 One more question: When a guy asks a girl out and you go on 3 dates and he asks for 4th, is it safe to assume that he the guy finds the girl attractive enough to have sex with her?
PegNosePete Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 For sure. If he didn't find her attractive, there probably wouldn't have been a 2nd date.
Star Gazer Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 Wow that's news to me. I always thought men would feel that the woman that does that is too desperate. They still might think that, but it won't stop them from having sex with you. What matters most is how he reacts after you sleep with him. With your guy, I get the sense that you'll always have to be the aggressor...he sounds lazy or timid.
Scottdmw Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 Do you know what his values are regarding intimacy? Personally, as a man in my 30s I believe in taking things very slow. Maybe not quite what he's doing, but just about. It's how I think things work better. If he feels the same then he is definitely interested, but perhaps he feels like he doesn't want to let things get out of control because they might go farther than he thinks is right. If he wants to keep spending time with you and keeps initiating that, I think it is almost certain he is interested. If I'm not interested in a girl there's no way I would do that. Have you asked him at all what his feelings are about physical intimacy? Maybe at least hinted? Tried to start a conversation about the topic? That might be the best thing to do. Scott
carhill Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 If he wants to keep spending time with you and keeps initiating that, I think it is almost certain he is interested. If I'm not interested in a girl there's no way I would do that. Have you asked him at all what his feelings are about physical intimacy? Maybe at least hinted? Tried to start a conversation about the topic? That might be the best thing to do. This would align with my perspective, which has evolved to analyze less, communicate clearly and enjoy more. Dating and romantic relationships should be happy and peaceful times, a safe harbor from the stresses and challenges of the PhD program or daily work. If it's not fun and satisfying, why do it? When I notice women I'm dating starting to analyze the situation, I discontinue dating them. If they tell me how they feel, I continue dating them. Simple boundary. YMMV. Good luck
coloredinks Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 I can't imagine myself feeling happy about a guy who is that timid in his thirties?! He sounds like a fifteen-year-old. That lack of confidence is kind of off-putting. Either that or he's sort of asexual.
alexlakeman Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 He could be gay and likes hangin with you. And the kiss? Hmm, don't know.
Knittress Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 I can't imagine myself feeling happy about a guy who is that timid in his thirties?! He sounds like a fifteen-year-old. That lack of confidence is kind of off-putting. Either that or he's sort of asexual. Me either, but she doesn't seem to mind. Not only that, but it's so atypical I'd worry that he has other sorts of underlying issues. But again... if SHE likes him...
Mad Max Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 So men would be fine if girl initiates physical/sex on say the 4th date? They won't think that she is too desperate? Nothing against you, but I'm tired of hearing women claiming it's desperate to initiate. It's a cop-out to have the guy do it.
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