Sham WOW Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 Hi everybody! I've been lurking for a bit and I posted my story today. What happened is he told me he was separated and he wasn't. I really loved him so much and I really wanted things to be different. He promised me that in time things would be fine and we could be together. I decided not to stay because the lie he told was just way too big. He disrespected me and his wife and my love for him was tarnished. I wonder if I should have given him some time to sort himself. I realized that I couldn't do that because he had basically asked me to lower my standards. He wanted to resume our relationship while he separated for real. I don't think it was fair at all for him to ask me to do that. For those of you ladies that decide to stay with a married man, do you ever feel like you have to lower your standards or expectations to stay? How do you cope?
BB07 Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 Hi everybody! I've been lurking for a bit and I posted my story today. What happened is he told me he was separated and he wasn't. I really loved him so much and I really wanted things to be different. He promised me that in time things would be fine and we could be together. I decided not to stay because the lie he told was just way too big. He disrespected me and his wife and my love for him was tarnished. I wonder if I should have given him some time to sort himself. I realized that I couldn't do that because he had basically asked me to lower my standards. He wanted to resume our relationship while he separated for real. I don't think it was fair at all for him to ask me to do that. For those of you ladies that decide to stay with a married man, do you ever feel like you have to lower your standards or expectations to stay? How do you cope? Well I guess I'm the most qualified to answer this one. First go read this thread of mine. 2nd........he LIED to you about being separated. That needs to be something that you should not ignore and it's a really big deal. Don't discount it, don't let him tell you some bs about why he did it. And frankly you need to walk away right now because starting a relationship with a HUGE lie like that, not much good can come out of it. You said it yourself, he disrespected you.....and if you stay in it, more than likely he will disrespect you more and more as time goes on.
pureinheart Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 Hi everybody! I've been lurking for a bit and I posted my story today. What happened is he told me he was separated and he wasn't. I really loved him so much and I really wanted things to be different. He promised me that in time things would be fine and we could be together. I decided not to stay because the lie he told was just way too big. He disrespected me and his wife and my love for him was tarnished. I wonder if I should have given him some time to sort himself. I realized that I couldn't do that because he had basically asked me to lower my standards. He wanted to resume our relationship while he separated for real. I don't think it was fair at all for him to ask me to do that. For those of you ladies that decide to stay with a married man, do you ever feel like you have to lower your standards or expectations to stay? How do you cope? Hi SW...wow, I am soooo sorry about what has happened to you...these stories are the ones that I hate to hear the most... I never lowered my standards...ever, when I felt they were being lowered I had to bail. I'm sure most of those who are currently in R with MM would say the same.
siuys Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 I did lower my standards and removed my boundaries when my separated xMM flipped and flopped about wanting to be with me. He still goes to MC, and IC and is a mess emotionally. Long story short, I finally wised up and set boundaries. I am now doing this on my terms. We are on NC and he is supposed to 'clean up his crap' this few months and make up his mind before he contacts me again. But of course, he contacted me again just this morning. I told him no, we cannot talk, not until he's sorted himself out. So you CAN take the power back. You do NOT have to play second fiddle and be the fallback girl. Love yourself and remind yourself you do NOT need someone like that in your life, especially when he lied to you. You're better than this.
Tsm Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 like Pure i never lowered my standars, we spend nights together, spend weekends and holidays, took me everywhere, but when i felt that i was lowering my standards i bailed.
TigerCub Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 I lowered my standards in going against my personal beliefs. I accepted less than I deserved. I am no longer with a MM for those exact reasons. Ditto Well, there was also an "incident" @ the end, but that's pretty much it - I was done settling for crap.
desertIslandCactus Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 SW, It's more than obvious that God has better things for you in His perfect plan. No one should want to be on here gloating about the break up of a marriage and the so-called value of the victor ..
Star_Bright Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 I didn't lower my standards; his W did. I was the priority and he left her. Sorry that you weren't worth it. EEG Wow, what a mean-spirited post! I don't know what got into this poster and I feel like apologizing on behalf of the rest of us here at this forum because I've found it's generally a pretty nice and welcoming place! I say you WERE worth it, to yourself. I think you did the right thing. A relationship where he starts out with such a big lie to you is no relationship at all. You can do better than a guy like that! Go you.
Author Sham WOW Posted October 2, 2010 Author Posted October 2, 2010 I didn't lower my standards; his W did. I was the priority and he left her. Sorry that you weren't worth it. EEGI'm sorry, I don't understand this post. How did his wife lower her standards? Foe me, my value to someone else is irrelevant to me. I couldn't endure being another woman. That's my value of me to me. Is this person saying that all other women are not worthy if the MM doesn't leave? Gosh, that really is mean spirited.
Author Sham WOW Posted October 2, 2010 Author Posted October 2, 2010 Wow, what a mean-spirited post! I don't know what got into this poster and I feel like apologizing on behalf of the rest of us here at this forum because I've found it's generally a pretty nice and welcoming place! I say you WERE worth it, to yourself. I think you did the right thing. A relationship where he starts out with such a big lie to you is no relationship at all. You can do better than a guy like that! Go you. Hi, and thank you. I don't mean to belittle anyone that chooses to wait for their MM. I considered it and sometimes I still wonder about it. I hope my question was not taken the wrong way. Today I feel good about my decision, but I sure do miss our good times.
Summer Breeze Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 He lowered his by going into an A at over 30 years married rather than sorting what was wrong. He had his reasons for doing so rather than leaving the M. I didn't understand his reasoning on some of it but that was his choice. I never lowered my standards. He became part of my life, he was honest, he listened to me, and he offered me an R. I knew he wouldn't leave home and knew the terms. There came a point when I wasn't happy with the terms and it ended. I never asked him to do what he wasn't prepared to. I loved him more than any other man over my lifetime. He treated me well and we had a wonderful relationship. It could have been more if he'd chosen it but he didn't. I ended it, I still love him, I still miss him, and I dont regret a single second of it.
Hazyhead Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 I didn't lower my standards; his W did. I was the priority and he left her. Sorry that you weren't worth it. EEG Harsh. I think it's him that wasn't worth it and maybe Sham dodged a bullet. I hope your superior attitude doesn't come back to bite you in the ass.
jthorne Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 I didn't lower my standards; his W did. I was the priority and he left her. Sorry that you weren't worth it. EEGRude. Unnecessary. Your other post said you were an OW for three years. So did it take three years for you to become the priority or did it take three years for you to be worth it? Unlike you, I don't mean that to be an insult. You seem to have a problem with SW not wanting to be an OW and go the route you did to obtain a husband. She is here seeking support for that decision. Being rude because you may not agree with the decision is rather unbecoming. Don't some OW say that new OW to this site should be treated with kid gloves and kindness? So shouldn't a "pre-OW" that is questioning her decision not to be one treated with some courtesy? SW, funny avatar by the way. You know that guy got arrested for getting into a fight with a hooker, right? I saw the police photos, looked like the hooker won. Sorry for the aside, your avi reminded me of that. I think you know in your heart what is the right thing to do. You may be reconsidering your decision now, but if you chose to be an OW, you might be questioning that decision throughout the affair. You are right. No man that loves you would ask you to lower your standards. Maybe that's where his standards are, so you are incompatible from the get go in that sense. I suspect you've had some time away from him and might be a little lonely? That's a common trap to accept less because you are lonely. It will pass. Remember how you felt when you discovered the lie. This is the person he is. There will be someone more suitable for you, trust me. And he will probably show up when you least expect it. By the way, I really admire your decision. It takes strength of character. Strength I wish I would have had when faced with that decision. Good luck hon.
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