siuys Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 Day 10 NC. Just got an sms – 'Can you talk?' WTF?!?! He was the one who repeatedly asked for a few months NC so he can 'sort himself out'. Before this round of NC he couldn't make up his mind – i.e. couldn't commit to being with me, couldn't commit to not being with me. As some of you know, I've been doing so well this past 10 days so much so that I'm afraid to text him back. I feel like saying 'about what?'. It's only been 10 days (previous pattern dictated that he would miss me a lot around the 10-day mark) so he couldn't have sorted himself out yet. And if I speak to him, it will throw me back to a bad place. My feelings right now tells me to either ignore him or write something like 'prefer to talk when you have sorted yourself out and clear about what you want'... PLEASE HELP!
Ellin Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 I think you need to calm down first, so I would say ignore him until you've done that and have clearer mind and then decide what you want to do about it. Keeping him waiting won't do any harm and perhaps is better than jumping at his every contact attempt as you did before. In any case you can get back to him tomorrow or in a few days if you still feel like it, and if you do you can explain that you needed to think for a while. So maybe just wait for now and do nothing? How do you feel about that?
Circular Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 I think you need to calm down first, so I would say ignore him until you've done that and have clearer mind and then decide what you want to do about it. Keeping him waiting won't do any harm and perhaps is better than jumping at his every contact attempt as you did before. In any case you can get back to him tomorrow or in a few days if you still feel like it, and if you do you can explain that you needed to think for a while. So maybe just wait for now and do nothing? How do you feel about that? I agree with this fully.... I recently made the dumb mistake of responding, after doing so well for so long... *sigh*
Author siuys Posted September 29, 2010 Author Posted September 29, 2010 I sent sms back, telling him that I would prefer to talk when he's sorted himself out, and clear about what he wants. Haven't heard back but I feel calm and good about my response. Probably could have waited and let him suffer a bit in hindsight. But this way, I don't talk to him (won't affect me), and my boundaries are clear. It's even more clear to me now that he is a mess emotionally, and by succumbing to his emotions totally, he's messing with mine. Only I can be the one to stop the pain for myself as he clearly cannot and will step all over me if I let him. I have to say I've lost a bit of respect for him. So much for give me a few months bla bla bla...
camel's toe Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 Ignore. Least said, easiest mended. Do something physical to stop yourself replying. Don't know what the time is where you are but either go for a run, go out and do something or go and sleep or read a book and put the phone on silent. These early days are the hardest. The more you do it now (ignore) the easier it'll become. Rooting 4 U!!!
Confused4Now Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 I agree with this fully.... I recently made the dumb mistake of responding, after doing so well for so long... *sigh*I'd say there is nothing you can say or do that would put you where you need to be in 10 days....try looking me up in 6 months to a year after you've handled all your business. Including finalized divorce papers.....and btw do some healing while your at it.
jj33 Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 I agree with the others. If you feel the need to respond tell him you dont want to speak to him until he has sorted himself out and knows what he wants. And if he says he needs to speak to you in the meantime tell him no. There is really nothing to discuss until he knows what he wants and then its up to you to decide if you still want him.
UntoldStory Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 I think your response was perfect. Let's hope he keeps to himself until he has something carefully thought out to say! siuys, you and I are on the same NC cycle. Haven't heard from mine yet and I'm starting to think that's a good thing. I was doing so well, I made the mistake of checking his FB page today. Bad idea.
Author siuys Posted September 30, 2010 Author Posted September 30, 2010 Good luck untoldstory, I am pleased you are doing well. Keep at it. He texted back, saying 'OK, Miss you. Hugs & kisses.' Yeah, whatever. I won't respond again as it's absolutely pointless. Fact it, doesn't change anything whether he misses me or not. Doesn't change that he cannot commit, doesn't know what he wants yada yada. Am afraid only action will do from now on, no more words. I also realised by him contacting me today that i have done the right thing, and that I can do this. I also realised I can take it or leave it, because if my 'terms' are not met (and they are reasonable) then I'll leave it. That, in itself, is revealing and comforting. I have a feeling he's also trying to figure out if i've written him off. The truth is I haven't just yet, but I now know that I can let it go.
whichwayisup Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 He tested you, put a text out there and you reacted..He got what he wanted and then told you OK.. he missed you, hugs and kisses? I doubt you'll hear from him for a long time, until he needs to have his ego stroked, to see if you're still interested. He'll fish every now and then, and I HOPE next time you don't text him back. Have you considered blocking him, or changing your cell number?
Author siuys Posted September 30, 2010 Author Posted September 30, 2010 I see where you're coming from whichwayisup. I don't want to not respond because I have not totally written him off. But I have set my boundaries and if nothing's changed, we won't be talking. I also know that I can take it or leave it now. I don't know what will happen, or when or if he will be in touch again, but whatever happens, I now know my own rules, so for all I know, I could be talking to him in 6 months' time with a new man in my life, and him being back with his W or whatever. Either way, it's fine.
silverplanets Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 He tested you, put a text out there and you reacted..He got what he wanted and then told you OK.. he missed you, hugs and kisses? I doubt you'll hear from him for a long time, until he needs to have his ego stroked, to see if you're still interested. He'll fish every now and then, and I HOPE next time you don't text him back. Have you considered blocking him, or changing your cell number? I really agree with this. If you put yourself in his shoes before he texted you he would have had very little "logical" justification for any internal "escape fantasy of being in love with you" that might be running in his head ... Now he is (internally) able to strengthen this escape fantasy by adding to it what he "heard" from your exchange .. such as he texted you ... he reads this as "I still have an option to my W/crap life" you replied ... he reads this as "she still fancies me" the text you replied with .. he reads this as "if I choose to leave she will be there " his final hugs and kisses ... he reads this as "she's waiting for me, I still have a love fantasy, so here's the hugs and kisses .." End game for him is he's bolstered his internal "movie" so that now he is back "in love" and with an alternative ... which .... he can play any time his real life (ie his wife) disagrees with him .... and thus prevent him dealing with the reality of any given situation ... Not saying this is right, just imagining how the exchange, even short though it was, could have played out inside his head ... Perfectly likely I am wrong though be safe Chris
TigerCub Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 I also realised by him contacting me today that i have done the right thing, and that I can do this. I also realised I can take it or leave it, because if my 'terms' are not met (and they are reasonable) then I'll leave it. That, in itself, is revealing and comforting. That is an awesome realization!! Good for you! Siuys, I think your response was a good one. You were clear on when he can contact you again, and you showed that you're not jumping at the chance to talk to him. I think he was expecting more of a response like this: "Sure, what do you want to talk about? where do you wanna meet? I'll call you right now" But you didn't say that, and I think that's awesome! Good for you.
Author siuys Posted September 30, 2010 Author Posted September 30, 2010 SilverPlanets, I get where you're coming from though what truly goes on in his head I will never know. I could analyse it to death but don't think that would do me any good. I can only base my actions on what I know of him so far, his strengths and weaknesses, and what I am or am not willing to put up with...
silverplanets Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 SilverPlanets, I get where you're coming from though what truly goes on in his head I will never know. I could analyse it to death but don't think that would do me any good. I can only base my actions on what I know of him so far, his strengths and weaknesses, and what I am or am not willing to put up with... Amen to the above ... Sounds to me like you've cracked it ... delving into his motives (conscious or not) is not going to help you with your life's journey ... A thought though, why settle for telling life what you're not willing to put up with ... instead tell it what you absolutely DO want ... Chris
Author siuys Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 Hi Chris - I DO know what I want, but I still need to set boundaries. I am living my life without him now and am rather enjoying it. I would love to give this R a go further down the track, but I realise it's not only up to me. But either way, I'm fine with it, which is already a huge step forward. I just read this book 'How to Survive Your Boyfriend’s Divorce: Loving Your Separated Man without Losing Your Mind'. I wish I had bought it earlier. Then again, it is a confirmation for me that I am doing the right thing. I forgot to take care of myself. I put him first all the time. I lost my sense of self. It took anger to bring it out in me. Well, whatever it takes, really... I'm in a much better place now.
Author siuys Posted October 2, 2010 Author Posted October 2, 2010 Despite not having spoken to him the other day, his sms still affected me. Not initially, but a day or so after. I think about him and miss him more often. This morning, I woke up with a few fresh cut flowers in a little bottle outside my bedroom window, with a very sweet i miss you type note. Gosh, he's making it quite hard for me. But having written that angry email two weeks ago, plus not talking to him makes me stronger and despite this nice gesture, I remind myself he is not where I want him to be to have a R. I appreciate the thought but nothing has really changed for me. Considering that, I will be able to stay strong and not make contact.
lilbunny Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 It gets easier I promise. I have to walk past mm every morning at work, can't avoid it. Sometimes he puts his head down like he hasn't seen me, sometimes I know he is watching me and I can't look, if I catch his eye sometimes he turns away, sometimes he looks at me sadly. The first few times I had to run and throw up and shook for a good while after. I managed to breeze past, never looked and felt ok afterwards for the first time the other day.
Confused4Now Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 The first few times I had to run and throw up and shook for a good while after. I managed to breeze past, never looked and felt ok afterwards for the first time the other day. Wow I almost forgot how that felt. I remember back when I used to throw up when I was trippin over my xMW. Trust me you will get past that...I did.
Recommended Posts