Arabess Posted February 26, 2004 Posted February 26, 2004 I'm not going to name names...I think it will be obvious as to who all I'm referring to. There are some ex-wives on LS who are beautiful, articulate, loving Moms and once...a loving wife. Their whole life has been torn apart due to being married to some unfaithful AssClown. Look at them, read their words....and think about all the complete CRAP he tells you about his wife at home. Sure, they are ALL bitchy, fat, don't understand him, given him no sex, make him miserable....BLAH BLAH BLAH! It'll make it soooo much easier to walk away when you realize he isn't cheating because you are the better woman or he loves you more....he's cheating because he's an A$$! Hope this helps a few of the OW's teetering on the edge.....LOL!
yes Posted February 26, 2004 Posted February 26, 2004 i think most OW realize that the guy's wife isn't really as bad as he portrays her. but they have some issues that make them like the arrangement where the man is both theirs and not theirs at once - strangely available because he's choosing you OVER his wife, yet unavailable because he's MARRIED. it's usually a lil more complicated than believeing that his wife's a btch and he'll divorce as soon as the kids are out of home... -yes
Author Arabess Posted February 26, 2004 Author Posted February 26, 2004 I agree.....affairs are VERY complicated emotional situations. Some people seem to thrive in all the 'drama' it creates. Then, there are others who really want out....but need a 'boost' every now and then by coming face to face with the truth. I was only giving the 'boost'.....LOL!
kkit Posted February 26, 2004 Posted February 26, 2004 Then, there are others who really want out....but need a 'boost' every now and then by coming face to face with the truth. I would absolutely fall into the category Arabsess mentions above....
kkat Posted February 26, 2004 Posted February 26, 2004 That was me posting above, somehow mistyped my signin... Kkat
brashgal Posted February 26, 2004 Posted February 26, 2004 It isn't only the wife who is a victim. My son who recently entered college was old enough to suspect what was going on when his father moved out. He has asked some pointed questions which I have answered truthfully without going into too much detail. He has a steady girlfriend and has done a lot of soul-searching regarding trust in relationships now that he knows his father cheated. He is enrolled in a Psychology class at school and was talking to me this week about the ages at which children are forming values etc, he is now also concerned about his little brother. It depresses me that he has to be thinking about these things at his age.
Skittles Posted February 28, 2004 Posted February 28, 2004 There are some ex-wives on LS who are beautiful, articulate, loving Moms and once...a loving wife. Their whole life has been torn apart due to being married to some unfaithful AssClown. yes A-bess, and I know you think of the beautiful, articulate , loving OWs who get sucked up in the mm's sob story and emotional catastrophe as well...women whose lonely "X" added to his confused "Y" = Affair. Mr. Assclown is a victim as well...a victim of his second adolescence, of an unexamined life, of his fear and awe of woman, of his life without a mentor, ....a man in turmoil and pain...No matter how slick his tongue, he is removed from himself. My take on this does not give anyone a free pass....all parties play a role...loving and betrayed wives, do not be angry with me, sometimes your husband will not "preview" his upcoming behavior...but alot of times he will...it is important to pay attention. My broken-hearted other women, ask why intimacy frightens you. Mr. Affair-man, the change you seek is internal...After you complete this journey, if the woman you land on your feet with is your wife...bravo....If not, set her free, so that you may travel to the end of your days in authenticity.
moimeme Posted February 28, 2004 Posted February 28, 2004 so that you may travel to the end of your days in authenticity. Woo! Now there's a tall order! Perhaps I'm getting a tad jaded, but I'm guessing that not many of these gents are likely to respond to your clarion call.
Skittles Posted February 28, 2004 Posted February 28, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme so that you may travel to the end of your days in authenticity. Woo! Now there's a tall order! Perhaps I'm getting a tad jaded, but I'm guessing that not many of these gents are likely to respond to your clarion call.
feeling silly Posted February 28, 2004 Posted February 28, 2004 "...so that you may travel to the end of your days in authenticity." I wonder if I should post that to my ex's bumper sticker?
Skittles Posted February 28, 2004 Posted February 28, 2004 Originally posted by feeling silly "...so that you may travel to the end of your days in authenticity." I wonder if I should post that to my ex's bumper sticker? .....he would have to get out and read it at every red light. ...........cute avatart feeling silly!
Samson Posted February 29, 2004 Posted February 29, 2004 the change you seek is internal...After you complete this journey, if the woman you land on your feet with is your wife...bravo....If not, set her free, so that you may travel to the end of your days in authenticity. Good advice, Skittles. You've summarized my plans very nicely. Moimeme, I'm now convinced your are more than "getting a tad jaded."
Skittles Posted February 29, 2004 Posted February 29, 2004 samson, I have been in love with your avatar since I first saw him in that Hitchcock movie.
thankful1 Posted March 1, 2004 Posted March 1, 2004 Originally posted by Arabess There are some ex-wives on LS who are beautiful, articulate, loving Moms and once...a loving wife. Their whole life has been torn apart due to being married to some unfaithful AssClown. Look at them, read their words....and think about all the complete CRAP he tells you about his wife at home. Sure, they are ALL bitchy, fat, don't understand him, given him no sex, make him miserable....BLAH BLAH BLAH! In my case his wife is still sweet, caring loving - in his words not as temperamental/wierd as I am. I know he is quite happy with her and wants his marriage to work. He has told me repeated that he knows he is being unfair to both her and myself and wants to stop - that I deserve to have someone who is in a position to make a full commitment to me - that in recent times he has been better able to avoid me but sometimes it is not as easy. The same has been true for me. What are his feelings for me? Where does that leave me? Concerned that we might in our selfishness one day get caught and the ramifications of this including the understandable disappointment of our friends etc. In the process of but not quite ready to let go unless I am forced to.
Author Arabess Posted March 1, 2004 Author Posted March 1, 2004 thankful, If he is saying his wife is sweet, caring and loving.....what in the world is his excuse for running around on her?
Skittles Posted March 1, 2004 Posted March 1, 2004 wowee thankful1, my g/f "Jesse" is in the same situation. In my case his wife is still sweet, caring loving - in his words not as temperamental/wierd as I am. I know he is quite happy with her and wants his marriage to work. He has told me repeated that he knows he is being unfair to both her and myself and wants to stop - that I deserve to have someone who is in a position to make a full commitment to me - that in recent times he has been better able to avoid me but sometimes it is not as easy. The same has been true for me. Her mm tells her he enjoys doing things with his wife, and her and that there is enough of him to share.! Then he goes beserk with jealousy when she dates other guys and he finds out. My g/f is zany and off-beat, his wife is quiet and attentive, so he gets vanilla and strawberry...see what I am saying..they complement his female "ideal"...... You guys are addicted to each other and I think you are the one who has to end it because unless his sweet wife finds out, Mr. two-flavors ain't gonna give it up..
Author Arabess Posted March 1, 2004 Author Posted March 1, 2004 Well Skittles....too bad we can't crunch his 'candy cone' under our shoes!
thankful1 Posted March 2, 2004 Posted March 2, 2004 The same question I have asked of him many times. His response is: he does not know. Last time I saw him, I told him that I felt a bit guilty as it was as if I had lured him to my home. He said I should stop taking responsibility for his action as no one forced him to come - he was there of his own free will - that he thinks that he will be better able to be committed to his vows and stop visiting. To give him his due, he has been trying really hard to end affair including almost stop writing and calling lesser and lesser. Now it is just a matter of a short time before we both are better able to stick to our resolution completely.
Author Arabess Posted March 2, 2004 Author Posted March 2, 2004 It's a very painful process. The worst thing is having to admit to yourself that the man you thought was everything....will not be your hero. He will go on with his own life.....and you have to go on with yours.
brenbren Posted March 2, 2004 Posted March 2, 2004 Well my hubby nearly cheated he was tempted by a young girl at work, who as an added bonus was bisexual. He told me that he felt unloved. Would you believe his excuse for flirting with danger was he loved getting the attention. When you first meet someone you get all that excitement. He had the gaul to even tell her and other girls that I didn't like him very much, oh that's so terrible she must be horrible oh yeah. I was so upset when I found out he was attracted to her and something could of happened but oh dear he was retrenched just in time just before the christmas party and has not seen her since. We have talked and talked and got help re this situation but still feel insecure and I unfortunately feel a bit betrayed and he didn't even get to do anything.
Author Arabess Posted March 2, 2004 Author Posted March 2, 2004 When affairs happen....even if wishful thinking....EVERYONE involved suffers! That's why I say adultry is a nasty little spirit who cares about NO ONE! Most of the time, the husbands portray the wife so poorly. I guess it's to mask his guilt. Some wives ARE horrible. Most aren't though.
thankful1 Posted March 2, 2004 Posted March 2, 2004 A, I know we cannot continue like this forever. As my counsellor said to me years ago, while she was glad that he was able to help me to a great extent emotionally, she believed that it was better that I be the one to end things rather than wait until it was too late and I end up getting hurt. So said, so done - been through the fire and now getting hurt does not bother me since in any event nothing in life is guaranteed. As I said before my real concern is that we stop before the innocent party - his wife - is hurt. That is something I hope never to have to deal with and that for the most part acts as a means of restraint - make me better able to exercise the appropriate distance from him, sometimes. It is said that your best friend is the person who brings out the best in you and undoubtedly he is that for me. I don't think of him as being everything, but I do know that even if he should walk away tomorrow, he will always have a special place in my heart.
Author Arabess Posted March 2, 2004 Author Posted March 2, 2004 I've been there, thankful.....and understand your pain. As Jester says.....Affairs are like the crack cocaine of the heart. I have NO IDEA how they take over your life.....but they do. Only YOU can make the decision to walk. WHY? Cause you deserve a guy who isn't hiding you or you having to share him. That's ludicrous.....if you really think about it!!!! Beyond that.....the crap he is telling you about his sad homelife is probably a lie. He is self serving and wants outside free safe sex. That doesn't make him a nice guy. It makes him a LIAR!
lims Posted March 2, 2004 Posted March 2, 2004 I have two little, well big but little comments, I believe it is easier for a man to say: my wife is fat, bitchy etc, and justify it to himself and justify it for the OW as to why he is with her. Second, my man cheated on me in 1997. I was in the army. He came to pick me up (driving from one coast to another) to be with me for valentines day. To make a long story short I wasnt supposed to be home and a woman called (calling me every name in the book). In the end I decided to call her and see woman to woman what really went on. She gave him money, bought him things, and she funded the trip for him to come see me (well gave him 100.00 to see his sick uncle) when him and his friends wanted to go out and were broke they would make jokes and tell him to call the OW and she said she would give him money. While he is driving to see me, buying me diamond rings and taking care of our household..and all the while she was the one making his ends meet. (in more ways than one) He just ran into her a week ago and was laughing (wanted me to come over and meet her) she must have propositioned him in some way because all I caught of the conversation was "I am still with my wife why dont you go over there and talk to your boyfriend." The whole point is she was not stupid, she thought she was in love. She took his words as truths and his attention as love. So NO I did not go meet her. I was afraid. Afraid i would see her and relive the nightmare that took years to repair. My point in all this is that yes both of us felt loved, both of us felt needed, both of us wanted his attention. AND both of us got used. Wait until he is done. Wait until he can be with only you. You are more important than only getting half truths and part of his time. And NO matter how awful his wife is or how much money she wants, that is his fault. He married her. He got himself into this mess and HE needs to get himself out of it. And no matter how bad it feels not having him in your life, and no matter how hard it will seem, it doesnt matter because YOU will be OK! And when he divorces her and if you chose to let him back in to your life, it will be your choice!
thankful1 Posted March 3, 2004 Posted March 3, 2004 I was just reading a MSM article on how possible it is to feel another's pain. Found it particularly interesting as over the years I used to find it scary the extent to which we could communicate without words. It bothered me somewhat as I thought it was bad enough that we were involved as we were, that to have that kind of connection while good for me, was not good for him since it was not a case where he was missing or short of anything at home. The first time I saw his wife, my initial thought was - this person has some amount of physical resemblance to me. For a while I kept reminding myself that he belonged to her and therefore I should stop encouraging him to be distracted. Looking back I have to admit that the hurt I had experienced was largely because I created a deal of tension so as to make it easier for me to give him up and this made life very uncomfortable for both us, hurting each other unnecessarily. Now I accept that inspite of the many shortcomings of the situation I am far happier with him than I am when he is out of my life. On occasions I have told him that I feel like I am using him and he says he wonders if I think that he is doing so to me. Told him that maybe it is mutual using then. Maybe it is just a matter of us having an insatiable curiosity about each other and exploring same. Very self-centred of us for as I have often told him, it is not worth the risk since we both know that our affair is almost at an end and more importantly he want his marriage to be a success. Twisted logic I know but there are some things that which may appear simple from the onlooker's view, but to the concerned parties they defy explanation.
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