Teen and cell phones...

[turnera]

Agreed. 2sure, I hope you're not just going to replace it without her WORKING to earn the money.

[SecretSquirrel]

When I was growing up I had to earn everything I had, and I STILL wasn't allowed to have a tv, phone or computer in my bedroom. Somehow I and my parents and friends and their parents all managed just fine WITHOUT cell phones (let alone all that other stuff), and I fail to see how the world is so different now as it was when I was growing up

 

I didn't get a cell phone until I was in college, and the only reason I got one then is because I could pay for it and my parents couldn't say no.

 

Honestly, I see how cell phones make everyone's life more convenient in some ways (yet more difficult at the same time), but don't think a 13 year old who can't take care of her things needs or deserves an iPhone. If she can't handle the responsibility of having a cheap phone I don't know why anyone would get her an expensive toy that has many more features than ensuring she can phone Mom or text her friends.

 

I hate what is happening to our world and our "culture" and I'm not even old enough to remember "the good old days"

Edited October 1, 2010 by SecretSquirrel

[turnera]

Amen, lol.

[lilbunny]

I can't help but question the logic of giving a child a £300 mobile phone to keep them safe, when in fact isn't that just making them an easy and desirable target for a mugger? I think a basic handset does that job perfectly well. Just my take on it.

[Tayla]

Kiwi- Thanks for sharing how you and your husband came to terms with the cell issue. Nice that you found a happy medium...that technology can rarely replace- an open ended discussion that shared variations on values

 

I respectfully disagree that Teens are using the phone ONLY to stay in contact with parents...or schedule apptments or have itunes....or use it for 911....the reality is...parents are being snookered..

 

A perfect example- People rely too much on modern technolgy when a thing called a brain and common sense work wonders for remembering appointments or KNOWING to call the responsible adult when they need to report on where abouts....

[KikiW]

I agree Tayla, I understand the desire for kids to have the latest fad and gadget - it's the same as when I was younger... Gotta have the walkman, gotta have the Commodore 64, gotta have the Reeboks, Bennetons, Swatches. If parents feel it's necessary to keep in touch with their kids, a generic phone that only calls or possibly has very basic texting capabilities is adequate.

 

Fiance was skyping with his daughter earlier, who put on the big ol' puppy eyes and showed him how the screen is literally hanging out of the phone. I heard his mother ask him if daughter was able to garner any sympathy from dad by showing him the phone, and he was like "nope, live with it". Sorry kiddo.

[2sure]

I folded like a cheap suit. I bought her a new phone friday before she went to her dads. I just really want her to have it.

[threebyfate]

@TBF - He didn't drag me in, I was sitting right next to him watching TV when the calls came in. Is there a reason he should hide this kind of thing from me? Although I'll give you that he can get passive-aggressive on occasion, but I call him out on it.

Okay, then shouldn't this be a no-brainer decision on his part? If he doesn't want to do it, then don't. If he folds, he'll be enabling guilt tripping. This isn't beneficial for her or their future.

[turnera]

I folded like a cheap suit. I bought her a new phone friday before she went to her dads. I just really want her to have it.

Got it. I just want to point out that, as the adult, you have only so many 'teachable' moments left to you. IMO, our job as a parent is to teach kids how to be responsible, happy adults. One important way is to teach them that as adults they will have to actually earn their stuff - no one will be around to just hand them things. The more you teach on this at her age, the more responsible and happy she'll be as an adult, because she'll rely on herself. Plus, earning something teaches a kid (1) to be proud of themselves and (2) to value their possessions, because they earned them. JMHO

[KikiW]

Okay, then shouldn't this be a no-brainer decision on his part? If he doesn't want to do it, then don't. If he folds, he'll be enabling guilt tripping. This isn't beneficial for her or their future.

 

I agree. I know it's hard for him though - he's a long distance away from her and wants to make sure she can reach him and vice versa, and he does feel guilty for BEING that far away, plus his ex wastes no opportunity to point out what a horrible father he is because he won't do X, Y or Z for her.

[turnera]

I agree. I know it's hard for him though - he's a long distance away from her and wants to make sure she can reach him and vice versa, and he does feel guilty for BEING that far away, plus his ex wastes no opportunity to point out what a horrible father he is because he won't do X, Y or Z for her.

So what is he doing to fix himself in terms of letting someone run his emotions for him like that?

[KikiW]

So what is he doing to fix himself in terms of letting someone run his emotions for him like that?

 

Jeez, he's NOT. But he's a human being, and it does GET to him. Which is why sometimes he bounces things off me to make sure he isn't the crazy one.

[DaisyLeigh]

My oldest is almost 13. My husband and I have Droids from Verizon. We have a third line, with an old cell phone. No internet, texting, or downloading at all.

 

My son takes it with him when he is out and about. But, he knows that I watch the minutes and I know exactly who he calls too. He has not abused the privilege as yet.

 

I see NO reason for teens and kids to have phones with internet and texting. I mean, if you wish to spend your money in that manner, please do. I don't tell anyone how to raise their kid. But my kids don't have computers or cable in their rooms, nor do they have Smartphones. When they are old enough to get a job and pay for a better phone, they are welcome to do so.

[Tayla]

Kiwi- I respect your diplomatic responses. Chin up, you sound supportive and that is deserving of being recognized.

 

Thanks for this topic...somethings were gainfull for when my grandson grows up...Hope I can be more open to our technology differences....

[Stung]

Jeez, he's NOT. But he's a human being, and it does GET to him. Which is why sometimes he bounces things off me to make sure he isn't the crazy one.

 

 

I know it can be tough to be in the middle as the stepmom, particularly if the biological parents are not on the same page. Good luck with finding a comfortable niche for yourself where you can be diplomatic, supportive, and a responsible third-parent figure all at the same time.

 

My own SD is just starting middle school and has never had her own phone, though she would sure like one. She has no need of one, as she is always ferried to and from school, martial arts and music classes or summer camp/playdates. She spends most of her weekends with us doing family stuff or martial arts. When she is a little older and has more autonomy about getting herself around on public transit, then she will be getting a cheap phone for emergencies--nobody's under the false impression that she won't use it to call her friends, but she'll have a certain amount of minutes and she'll be taught to keep an eye on them. I can't even imagine getting her an iPhone, she's incredibly forgetful and clumsy (like most kids her age), plus she's not allowed unlimited access to texts or the internet in ANY medium.

 

'Her' computer is MY backup computer which is set up on a desk in a shared office, NOT in her room. She can use it for games or for typing out papers or stories, but she needs to ask permission first and is always at least loosely supervised. She needs to ask me to type in a password in order to get on the internet. We'd never get her a TV for her room, that's crazy IMO--of course we're not even really on TV ourselves, so we're obviously stricter than a lot of people that way. We only watch DVDs or streaming Netflix on our TV, we don't subscribe to network or cable. She's only allowed to watch a few hours of parent-approved Netflix per week, usually Dr. Who, a kids movie or an educational Nature/National Geographic special. Sometimes we pick something to all watch as a family in installments of one hour a night after the baby is in bed--most recently it was Anne of Green Gables, and in honor of Halloween I think we're about to start the old "V" miniseries from the 80s.

[turnera]

Stung, you're obviously very proud of your lifestyle. I just have one caveat for you. While you and your wife may feel good about the structure you have created, the restrictions are very cumbersome on someone your daughter's age. Because of your restrictions, you can expect her to chafe. And even act out.

 

Parents who understand what kids will try to do are far more likely to have kids who accept restrictions and even understand them.

 

Just a thought.

[Stung]

Stung, you're obviously very proud of your lifestyle. I just have one caveat for you. While you and your wife may feel good about the structure you have created, the restrictions are very cumbersome on someone your daughter's age. Because of your restrictions, you can expect her to chafe. And even act out.

 

Parents who understand what kids will try to do are far more likely to have kids who accept restrictions and even understand them.

 

Just a thought.

 

Proud? It's not really something I think about in those terms, I thought we were all just sharing our ideas about kids' unbridled use of tech here. My take on it is that it is irresponsible to cultivate a sense of entitlement in kids by giving them expensive things they haven't earned, and to allow them unrestricted use of the internet and social media. YMMV.

 

I haven't said anything terribly out of step with most other posters on this thread, and I definitely don't think it's so strange to put restrictions on a sixth-grader's access to the internet/video games/cell phones/TV--I'm a little surprised that anyone would see that as unreasonable . It's true, we don't believe it's good for kids to sit around all day playing whatever tech media they choose, so we structure her access to that and make sure she has real-world friendships and outdoors pursuits. We're not exactly talking about boot camp here, we live four blocks from the beach and she spends half her time in the water or taking martial arts or hanging out with all her cousins, when she's not in her after-school music program along with all her friends. She does get to play video games and watch television shows or movies, as long as they fall within certain guidelines--and in my case we are talking about a just-started-sixth-grade ten year old, not a teenager. I can tell you that she is not outside of the norm for her friends, none of whom have their own tv, computer or cell phone. Okay, one friend just got her own cell phone, but she is almost thirteen and takes the bus alone a lot, so that seems reasonable to me. In the circles we move in it's widely considered inappropriate for ten and eleven year olds to have expensive cell phones, or laptops and TVs in their own rooms where they can access them whenever or however they feel like it. She uses the internet and plays video games on the backup computer she shares with me, but she needs my password so I always know when she is on the computer and have some idea of what she's doing on there. In my opinion that's just setting responsible boundaries *shrug*.

 

In any case I can assure you that she is not chafing under our current guidelines, which will of course continue to change and grow just as she changes and grows. In fact she is supposed to spend three nights a week with us but for the past several months she's been actively lobbying for MORE time at our house (which her mother is not very happy about). We are the more stable of her families, and she prefers to be with us the majority of the time.

 

I guess maybe we'll have to agree to disagree about this.

 

BTW, I am a woman .

Edited October 7, 2010 by Stung

[turnera]

No offense intended, it's just that what you describe, especially in the TV area, seems to put her outside the norm of most kids I've ever met, and I imagine there'll come a time when she feels out of step. "What? You've never watched Hannah Montana? What's wrong with you?" Stuff like that. Once that seed gets planted, it can germinate, and she'll start questioning YOU, not her friends.

 

I also put limits on my daughter - 1 hour of tv and 1/2 hour of computer a day, and the rest of the time I expected her to fill her time with reading and other activities, so no argument from me there.

Edited October 7, 2010 by turnera

[Mutant Debutante]

Ugh, I don't let my little sister watch Disney TV either. This doesn't sound too weird to me, most of the people I hang around think popular culture TV/media sucks and is not good for kids. And we don't have TV either we just hulu or Netflix anything we want to watch, why pay for TV in this day and age? It's old school.

 

My sis wants her own phone, but I told her no dice, she's NINE. She has to at least hit double digits first...maybe when she's 11 or 12. I didn't have a cell phone until I bought it myself when I was 17! I still don't have an iPhone myself so I can't see getting her one anytime in the near future, but I'll probably get her some kind of phone when she starts taking the bus by herself so I can track her down if I need to. If anybody in this family is getting a smart phone in the next five years though it's ME! She can upgrade her cheapie phone once she's in high school and can work to pay for it. What can I say, we're a family rich with love but definitely not with money.

[KikiW]

I know it can be tough to be in the middle as the stepmom, particularly if the biological parents are not on the same page. Good luck with finding a comfortable niche for yourself where you can be diplomatic, supportive, and a responsible third-parent figure all at the same time.

 

My own SD is just starting middle school and has never had her own phone, though she would sure like one. She has no need of one, as she is always ferried to and from school, martial arts and music classes or summer camp/playdates. She spends most of her weekends with us doing family stuff or martial arts. When she is a little older and has more autonomy about getting herself around on public transit, then she will be getting a cheap phone for emergencies--nobody's under the false impression that she won't use it to call her friends, but she'll have a certain amount of minutes and she'll be taught to keep an eye on them. I can't even imagine getting her an iPhone, she's incredibly forgetful and clumsy (like most kids her age), plus she's not allowed unlimited access to texts or the internet in ANY medium.

 

'Her' computer is MY backup computer which is set up on a desk in a shared office, NOT in her room. She can use it for games or for typing out papers or stories, but she needs to ask permission first and is always at least loosely supervised. She needs to ask me to type in a password in order to get on the internet. We'd never get her a TV for her room, that's crazy IMO--of course we're not even really on TV ourselves, so we're obviously stricter than a lot of people that way. We only watch DVDs or streaming Netflix on our TV, we don't subscribe to network or cable. She's only allowed to watch a few hours of parent-approved Netflix per week, usually Dr. Who, a kids movie or an educational Nature/National Geographic special. Sometimes we pick something to all watch as a family in installments of one hour a night after the baby is in bed--most recently it was Anne of Green Gables, and in honor of Halloween I think we're about to start the old "V" miniseries from the 80s.

 

Stung - sounds like you and I are on a very similar wavelength! Doctor Who is my daughter's FAVORITE show (even got a personalized photo from David Tennant a few months ago, she nearly cried with happiness!). I have the Anne of GG movies on DVD, too If you're interested and haven't seen them yet, we are working our way through the old Stargate series, all available on Netflix instant play. Ok back to topic....

[greengoddess]

I agree. I know it's hard for him though - he's a long distance away from her and wants to make sure she can reach him and vice versa, and he does feel guilty for BEING that far away, plus his ex wastes no opportunity to point out what a horrible father he is because he won't do X, Y or Z for her.

 

 

Do you think moving 1,200 miles away from your kid for a woman is being a good father? I don't blame his ex.

[KikiW]

No offense intended, it's just that what you describe, especially in the TV area, seems to put her outside the norm of most kids I've ever met, and I imagine there'll come a time when she feels out of step. "What? You've never watched Hannah Montana? What's wrong with you?" Stuff like that. Once that seed gets planted, it can germinate, and she'll start questioning YOU, not her friends.

 

So what if it's not the "social norm"? My own mother gave me a curfew of 10pm when everyone else's was 11 or 12. Sucked to be me, it annoyed me, but oh well. If a kid grows up not having watched American Idol or Dancing with the Stars and doesn't have all the same cultural references as all their friends, it's not going to kill them.

 

I'd much prefer that she tell her friends that she remembers watching Lord of the Rings for the first time at 3 years old then reminiscing how Kelly Clarkson won American Idol.

[Mutant Debutante]

Stung - sounds like you and I are on a very similar wavelength! Doctor Who is my daughter's FAVORITE show (even got a personalized photo from David Tennant a few months ago, she nearly cried with happiness!). .

 

 

Not that this is the point of this thread, but Dr. Who is AWESOME. I watch it with my little sister too

 

 

We haven't seen too many of the old ones yet though just starting from the 9th Doctor.

 

I would love to get a personalized photo of David Tennant

[turnera]

Believe me, I want more educated, elite kids, too, who don't cater to popular society. And I can't care less what anyone's kids watch or don't watch.

 

I was just making a point that, if you do choose to set this path for your child, you can expect there to be a point at which she says "they're making fun of me" or "I'm the only kid without a phone" or an iPhone or an iPad...stuff like that.

 

And at that time, you can go one of two ways with a teenager. You can say 'Too bad, I'm the parent' and she'll probably start rebelling or sneaking to her friend's house to watch what you won't let her, or lying to you about what she does, so she'll fit in. It is during these years that friends' and society's influence starts to overshadow parents' influence, part of the natural process.

 

Or you can say 'Here's why I chose that way...' and explain it so she'll understand. Or maybe even use it as a teaching moment, and let her negotiate for what she wants.

[2sure]

When they are little you make the rules, as they get older you give them less rules but model the behavior you want them to have.

 

My daughter was not allowed to watch TV when she was little. I was a single mom, worked all the time , and didnt want our time together to be spent in front of a TV.

 

As she grew and our lives changed, I let her watch TV ..which she did only when a friend was over. I watch it maybe once a month. She is 14 now and finds 99% of television "asinine" and never turns it on. Ever.

And yes, she often does not know what her friends are talking about when it comes to celebrities, etc. And she doesnt care.