KikiW Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 Ok, I have an opinion on this already, but in the interest of getting some non-biased, outside perspective, I figured I would toss this out and see what you all thought... Fiance's daughter is turning 13 next week. We just sent her a box with birthday cards, a small gift, and a $30 gift card to a craft store she loves to shop at (and she asked for this for her birthday). About 2 weeks ago, she told her dad her phone wasn't working right. Then her mother calls him and tells him his daughter's phone is broken and is her phone up for renewal yet so they can get her a new one for free - he says no, she has a little less than a year left on the phone, they will have to buy her a new one. After some back and forth, she tells him the phone works, but the screen has some black lines on it (a few dead pixel spots), but starts getting insulting with him, like he should buy her a new phone because daughter has only ever gotten used phones. He reminds her that no, in fact her first phone was an iPhone, and while it was "technically" used, it was used for 2 months - virtually brand new. And the other phones, while used, were not JUNK. They were simply hand-me-downs from one of her parents after they used them and got upgrades. Last night, his daughter calls and tells him she needs a new phone because she has black lines on it (parrots her mother) and she's never had a new phone. He reminds her of the iphone, she still insists she should get a new phone "for her birthday". After not getting anywhere, her mother calls him and suggests that they pool their money and go in on a phone for her birthday, he tells her that he's already gotten his daughter her birthday gifts. She demands to know what they were and then berates his gift choices (which were really her daughter's choices). Gets to the point where she badgers him to where even if she WAS up for renewal he wouldn't do it out of principle. After the last conversation, he stews about it and then asks my opinion. I asked how many phones she's had. He tells me 5 or 6. I said WHAT? A 12 year old has gone through 5 or 6 phones? My daughter is turning 10 and has had the little MiGo phone for 3 years. Now granted, accidents happen with phones, they get dropped, they break from being tossed around by a tween, whatever. But my personal opinion is that some dead screen pixels doesn't justify a brand new phone, and it raises the question about how "broken" the other ones really were. Not to mention my feeling that tweens are not entitled to cell phones, they are a luxury, and such luxuries should be taken better care of. Am I being a stick in the mud about this, or am I on target?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 I think its sad that the mother is putting the father in the middle of this. If she wants her daughter to have a new Iphone she should pay for it. Its my opinion that my now 13 yo's phone is for MY benefit. It allows him to wander off in a store, or meander around the neighborhood and allows me to check in and call him when its time to come home. He gets 240 minutes to last for 3 months there is some internet available but he knows that it will eat up his time. It isn't for talking, he has a computer and the home phone for that. If her phone is working, then asking her to wait until her contract is up for renewal is not at all asking to much. How else is she going to learn responsibility and that you have to wait and work for what you want. I'm amazed that 12 year olds get expensive phones. When my son 13 burnt out his computer cord for the 2nd time, we said, you'll have to save your allowance and earn the money for a new one. You can bet he didn't mistreat the one he paid $100.00 for himself. I would offer her a $29.00 track phone if she needs a phone and she can buy her minutes with her birthday money. I was 44 years old before I had my first smart phone! I can tell you one thing though, the "free phone" lasts for ever and ever amen! I couldn't kill the darn thing! Its sad that the mom doesn't care to teach her daughter responsibility and that she is trying to make the dad look like the bad guy.
threebyfate Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 I don't like the way your husband is dragging you into this disagreement. Is he normally passive-aggressive?
greengoddess Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 You never pay full price for a phone. You always wait for your contract to be up. How is she breaking this many phones?
greengoddess Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 I know my kids friends if they break their phones before their contract is up they will post on facebook who has an old verizon phone or whatever the service is and they borrow that till they can get a new one. I do think a kid that age should probebly get a new phone with insurance so it can be replaced each time she breaks it. My daughter broke hers once when she wanted a new phone that just came out. She was very surprised when we just tool her old one to the store and we were handed the same one.
New Again Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 Am I being a stick in the mud about this, or am I on target? I am completely in agreement with you on this - just reading that a 12 year old had been given an iPhone, I was appalled.
Author KikiW Posted September 30, 2010 Author Posted September 30, 2010 @IWWH - This has been an ongoing issue with his ex. She is extremely bitter and has no qualms about involving his daughter in her own personal issues. She has used her many times as a tool and a weapon against him, spoken very ill of he and I to her, once when his daughter was here over the summer we were all witness to her mother come completely unglued and irrational on the phone with him to the point where the daughter was left in tears. It's very sad, and there doesn't appear to be a damn thing we can do about it. @TBF - He didn't drag me in, I was sitting right next to him watching TV when the calls came in. Is there a reason he should hide this kind of thing from me? Although I'll give you that he can get passive-aggressive on occasion, but I call him out on it. @GG - I have no idea how this many phones got broken. And I hear you about the contract with insurance, but the last time I checked on the plan it was an extra $5/month, or $60/year. Might as well just get a cheap phone for that much, but it doesn't teach her to be responsible. I made them take the insurance off my daughters phone and told her if she broke it, that was it, no phone. The phone was $30 anyway, I could have purchased a brand new one twice a year for the same amount they charge in insurance. @NA - THANK YOU. I was appalled as well. But her mother likes to shower her with "things" (she now has the older 65" TV in her room [!!!], has use of ATVs, etc) and unrestricted boundaries. I am quite disgusted, but again, I can do nothing about it. I was just wondering if I was being the old bitty, having grown up without cell phones and all.
Citizen Erased Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 You're not being an old bitty, I'm 23 and IMHO I think her mother should be raising her better. I was taught to earn the things I own, not just get expensive things given to me. Fair enough, the kid needs a phone in this day and age, especially so her dad can keep in touch with her. But still. Forgive me if I am incorrect but I recall reading about someone's step child that is overweight because of the crappy food their mother was feeding them and had a pretty entitled attitude just in general, was this you?
Author KikiW Posted September 30, 2010 Author Posted September 30, 2010 Yep, that was me. While she was here during the summer it was quite a challenge giving her boundaries she did not have before. The sense of entitlement was pretty constant (I will say however, it was never in a b*tchy, "but I want it NOW, DADDY!" Veruca Salt way, it was always just kind of expected and she was puzzled when she didn't get what she wanted), but the better food she was eating on a consistent schedule (a healthy meal or snack every 2-3 hours) caused a significant drop in weight - I think it was about 15 pounds in the 6-7 weeks she was here. When she returned, she had MANY people comment on how much weight she lost, and my fiance said she immediately asked her mother to buy some apples and healthier foods so she could continue feeling better and eating better. Of course I am sure this did not endear me to her mother. Which is ironic since her mother told fiance that he "had to do something about her weight". Can't win for losing. I don't think her healthy eating continued, sadly, considering her environment. I am sewing both my daughter's bridesmaid dress and hers as well, and need her measurements to make sure I make the right size - last I was told she was wearing a size 16 adult .
Meaplus3 Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 You're not being an old bitty, I'm 23 and IMHO I think her mother should be raising her better. I was taught to earn the things I own, not just get expensive things given to me. Your are 100 % right on CE...Very good point. Mea:)
2sure Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 My daughter is 14. She is a bit spoiled as far as technology stuff. She has it all as far as phones, Ipods, Kindle, Laptop, etc. But she gets my old ones if they are available because she loses things, drops them in pools, etc. Thats what kids do. Unless she earns the money herself to buy a new item what i give her does not get replaced until it is convenient for me. In this case, it would be when the phone is up for renewal. If her phone stops working , she still needs one, so she will have to get a used one. And this has zero to do with what I can afford - I wont even let someone else buy her one.
LoveAintEverything Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 I got my first phone when I got my first job, at 16 years old. No kid should have a fucin phone
Author KikiW Posted September 30, 2010 Author Posted September 30, 2010 Urgh, he just mentioned in passing that when he talked to her yesterday, he suggested that perhaps for Christmas he would get her something, told me perhaps a cheaper $30 phone or something. I bit my tongue for now, but I could tell it's the "divorced dad guilt" coming through.
Tayla Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 He divorced the mother, not the child. So where is the guilt coming from? He is still a responsible father/dad. My two cents worth- You are entirely correct to voice your opinion when it was asked. I dont buy into the "kids" have to have a phone. Seen way to many kids NOT respond to parents calls yet can text their life away. Really it makes a person wonder how us PRE TECHIES ever survived in this world with our parents . Ohh I know...we were taught to be truthful and be where we said we would be and be home when we said we would. The cell phone has become a secondary babysitter for some parents...scarry when you think about it. Anyways as others suggested...a cheap pay as you go phone should suffice.
Author KikiW Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 Spoke to him about it last night and he said he was thinking of those pre-paid cheapee phones. Also says that he understands if the black lines are causing her not to be able to read her texts, and that the kids where she lives use their phones like they would TV or computer. We talked at length about our opinions on the matter (we seem to do our best communicating re: parenting when we are cooking dinner together lol), and I said I realized that I was a big pain in the butt about it, but my mother was incredibly restrictive on technology when I was growing up and I have taken on her position now as a parent. While we obviously have different technology today than we did when I was a teenager, I fervently believe kids have no need for TVs or computers in their rooms. Perhaps when my daughter is an older teenager I will change my mind, but I feel tweens and young teens require a great deal of supervision over those mediums. I remember watching one of those "World's Strictest Parents" shows and the mom collected everyone's cell phones and put them on top of the fridge after 9pm, and I thought that was a fantastic idea - we had to take his daughter's phone away at bedtime each night while she was here because we found she was texting people late at night. My ex and I decided that as we were splitting, and our daughter had seen the MiGo and wanted one, we felt it would be a good test of responsibility. We gave her the rules of the phone - you break it or lose it and that's it, answer it when we call, use it sparingly. She's had the thing for 3 years and it looks brand new because she's been careful with it. She has gone for weeks without using it. At this point it would be more cost effective taking her $10/mo line off the plan, except that she's been so responsible about using it, I don't mind the expenditure. I'm sure at some point she will want to upgrade to a "real cellphone" once her friends start getting them, but I can tell you the same rules will apply.
CLC2008 Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 If I had a daughter age 13 (or son for that matter), I don't think I'd allow them to have a cellular phone at that age. Maybe at 16 or something, but not 13.
2sure Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 I feel its important that my daughter have a cell phone , she is 14 and has had one for years. I feel safer that no matter where she is she can reach me without having to borrow or find a phone. Especially now with busy schedules , I like that we can reach each other in the event I am going to be late picking her up from an activity or if there are any changes at all. I will not let her leave the house without one.
2sure Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 In fact, as I'm thinking about it...I dont know any of her peers or even my friends children over 10 or 11 that do not carry a cell phone.
CLC2008 Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 I feel its important that my daughter have a cell phone , she is 14 and has had one for years. I feel safer that no matter where she is she can reach me without having to borrow or find a phone. Especially now with busy schedules , I like that we can reach each other in the event I am going to be late picking her up from an activity or if there are any changes at all. I will not let her leave the house without one. That makes a lot of sense. I don't know, I never had one growing up, and we somehow managed. My thinking on it, is that I wouldn't be able to sheild my son or daughter 100% from the world when they are out living in it, I could make it safer for them in other ways....but I'm not sure if cell phones would be the way to go about it. That's just my thinking, and I don't disparage anyone who feels differently. I don't even have kids, so I cannot imagine how tough it must be.
2sure Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 I think if the technology is available and gives me any advantage and its something I can afford...I use it.
turnera Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 I have no idea how this many phones got broken. I do. Her mother - and hence she herself - has a get-me-a-new-one mentality. Sorry. No deal. Kids who get that many phones replaced will NEVER learn to take care of what they own. I would have him suggest to her AND her mother that he is dismayed that she has gone through so many phones in so little time and that, because of that, he is willing to share the cost (50/50) of a CHEAP replacement phone - AFTER the daughter has worked X hours doing housework, yardwork, petwork, or whatever other means by which she can EARN the money to replace what SHE has broken.
2sure Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Just got a text from my daughter , she dropped her ..I dont even know what it is really ...it has Internet, all her music, her calendar, photos etc on it...and she dropped it in the freaking toilet. She is completely freaking out. And she is at school and she shouldnt be texting me or even having it out there. So much for my previously mentioned love of technology.
2sure Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Oh No...her phone is a separate thing. That works. Her other thingy is what fell in the toilet. And you know, part of me is saying Fine, thats the end of that. But now I'm thinking...she needs the calendar, we cross reference ours electronically, and her music...is it mean to say NO Music?? Cripe.
hotgurl Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 I must be so strict. I got my daughter a tracfone when she waw 13 and started doing away games that I could make it to. Previous to that there was no need. I dropped her off at school and picked her up when the after school program was done. In High school it is a godsent because it allows here a little more flexablitlity. I work 5 minutes from the school so if she wants to meet X after school and than walk to meet me when I get off it is great. That said she has to earn her minutes. ie. pay for them out of B-day money, work money or do chores to get the minutes.
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