enufdrama Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 has anyone had their MM or MW actually leave and divorce their spouse and then try to move on with a relationship with the OW/OM? how did that turn out? from my understanding these relationships have a very small chance of making it. someone very close to me started out having an affair with a married woman. she left her spouse for him. they married shortly after. stayed married for 10 years. things looked ok. on the surface. then everything blew up. he found out she had been cheating on him pretty much the entire marriage with another man. they tried counseling. then a year later, she left him for another woman! decided she was gay. any success stories or did it all go down in disaster after trying to hard to make it work?
Confused4Now Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 has anyone had their MM or MW actually leave and divorce their spouse and then try to move on with a relationship with the OW/OM? how did that turn out? from my understanding these relationships have a very small chance of making it. someone very close to me started out having an affair with a married woman. she left her spouse for him. they married shortly after. stayed married for 10 years. things looked ok. on the surface. then everything blew up. he found out she had been cheating on him pretty much the entire marriage with another man. they tried counseling. then a year later, she left him for another woman! decided she was gay. any success stories or did it all go down in disaster after trying to hard to make it work?Honestly in this day in age...I think marriage is a crap shoot. However I seemed to have seen it all...the ones you don't think are going to make it do forever and are happy....the ones who you think are the matches from heaven don't even last. Then you have people who decide their Gay....wow. I wish I knew the answer to this. I'm sure people will chime in and say relationships that foster and grow from healthy families and relationships have a greater chance of surviving... but honestly there is only one person who can answer that question and he already knows the answer.
KarmasTestDummy Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 has anyone had their MM or MW actually leave and divorce their spouse and then try to move on with a relationship with the OW/OM? how did that turn out? from my understanding these relationships have a very small chance of making it. someone very close to me started out having an affair with a married woman. she left her spouse for him. they married shortly after. stayed married for 10 years. things looked ok. on the surface. then everything blew up. he found out she had been cheating on him pretty much the entire marriage with another man. they tried counseling. then a year later, she left him for another woman! decided she was gay. any success stories or did it all go down in disaster after trying to hard to make it work? I think your responses will vary greatly. It really depends on the people involved and the marriage that exists. I'm sure there are plenty that are built on solid ground and can last. My own mother was an OW who spent 15 years with her mm til the day he died. He never divorced his wife but lived with us and raised me growing up. He simply did not want a divorce. We had the rest of him though and I'm positive he loved my mother dearly and never cheated on her. It's so weird what can come of these things, but many are built on chemistry and emotional grounds that make for a great foundation for a real relationship. So it boils down to what he's willing to give her.
UntoldStory Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 Hi, this is my first post (have been drafting my "story" to tell you all for what feels like forever!), but this question is near and dear to my personal history so I have to jump in! My own parents both met their 2nd spouses while they were still married to each other (although, to be fair, they were separated). They are both now celebrating their 25th wedding anniversaries with their 2nd H/W this year. I have 2 brothers, 2 step-brothers (step-dad's kids), and 3 step-sisters (step-mom's kids), and combined, my 4 parents are the proud owners of 11 (soon to be 12) grandchildren. I also have to point out, none of the parties involved (with the exception of my step-father) were particularly emotionally intelligent about it all at the time! They were all miserable, fell in love with other people, and it just happened to work out. To me, their story, like so many other stories of life & love, proves that 85% of success is about timing. Sucks when your timing is bad (like mine right now, more to come on that ), but you feel like you just won the lottery when it goes your way. One in a million.
siuys Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 I think timing is a big thing. I surely wish I met xMM AFTER his mess, not when he was still with his W. Then again, I still do not know if he will get a D, not that I am with him anymore so I don't really care that much. Seeing an attached person was never something I even thought about before I met xMM. I simply have never been with an attached person. I never thought it would be so painful, and so difficult, and will never do it again. I think one of the reasons why I didn't stop is because my father was an xMM to his current wife. They met when my father was still married to my mom, and eventually dad divorced mom and married his current wife. It's been something like 25 years. So I guess, the message to me was 'it can work', which is not a very good message in some ways... I have a feeling most don't survive... it's a very messy situation to be involved with someone – entally and emotionally not in the best of places but I accept there will always be exceptions.
Circular Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 I agree that a lot of it is timing. We can all probably find one success somewhere, but there are umpteen more failures I've seen then successes. There's a ton of mental and emotional turmoil that must be endured before it can even get going the right direction. When kids are involved its even messier, then consider the impact to friendships, families, finances, etc... and a lot of people wind up see the pain of staying lower than the pain of leaving - and mostly this is what it comes down to at the end of the day - Does love triumph over pain? I remember a conversation I had with my xMOW once, she said 'If we had started this before I had kids things would have been a lot different'.... The irony of course is I knew her before she had kids.
UntoldStory Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 I think timing is a big thing. I surely wish I met xMM AFTER his mess, not when he was still with his W. Seeing an attached person was never something I even thought about before I met xMM. I simply have never been with an attached person. I never thought it would be so painful, and so difficult, and will never do it again. I think one of the reasons why I didn't stop is because my father was an xMM to his current wife. They met when my father was still married to my mom, and eventually dad divorced mom and married his current wife. It's been something like 25 years. So I guess, the message to me was 'it can work', which is not a very good message in some ways... I have a feeling most don't survive... it's a very messy situation to be involved with someone – entally and emotionally not in the best of places but I accept there will always be exceptions. siuys, you and I are in total agreement with one exception -- I wish I had met my xMM BEFORE he met his wife, AND before I had met my H. Timing. Mine stinks.
siuys Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 UntoldStory - yes, my timing stinks big time too! Funny thing is, if I had met xMM before he met his wife, I'd be 24, and he 27. I was a VERY different person at age 24 and with him having a family as a big goal in his life when he was young, and me not ever wanting children, it would never have worked out. We would also be in different countries. Funny how life turns out sometimes... It's amusing to look at it this way I have to say. I wish both our real life situations were more amusing... but then again, c'est la vie. I honestly don't regret anything despite it not working out....
camel's toe Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 From what I have learned it is too big a risk - ie I wouldn't set any stock in them leaving. I kinda feel now that love just ain't meant to be that hard. None of my MMs left for me. And now I am glad they didn't. They weren't right for me but I couldn't see it. I have mentioned before that, after I ended it with MM2 we didn't see each other for several years and then I bumped into him. He'd got a divorce. But any feelings I'd had for him were long gone. Thank God he never left her for me cos I don't think it would have lasted. A few stories: a girl I used to know got involved with a married guy. She really liked him and after a bit was like, I can't go on, I'm ending this which she did. He did leave his wife and the girl and the xMM had two kids. I don't see her any more but it must have lasted a few years at least. A MM I know, he had this OW and he upped and left the wife just like that. The OW didn't want that and he went back to the wife with his tail between his legs. The answer is, if they want to, they will. I'm of the mind that if they don't take action early on they never will.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 Success depends on a few factors including: 1. dissecting and resolving issues that make you want to cheat 2. successful transitioning from an affair to a full time relationship 3. putting the past behind you, learning from your mistakes and moving on
debby Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 My exhusband left me for his OW after 13 years of marriage and 3 kids. He had only known her for 3 weeks when he proposed to her and left me. They immediately moved in together and married after a year. They have been married for 4 years. He told me she was his "soul mate" back then. (Huh...that was the same thing he told ME in OUR beginning). Fast forward 5 years. She has cheated on him...he has cheated on her...he even came to ME about a year ago wanting to resume our sexual relationship (THAT was a big fat NO!) because he said "She just was too vanilla and we had always enjoyed a great sex life". Whatever...our sex life was so great that he cheated all the time? WTF. He claimed he only cheated on me because he didn't really love me the way a husband should love a wife...but he had finally found his true love in the OW and it wouldn't happen with her. Funny to see how this is all working out for him. It has been funny to see how that "true love soul mate" thing has worked out for him. They have had domestic violence issues and he has spent time in jail because she had him thrown in there due to calling the cops on him (he partly deserved it). So I say that when a person is married and steps straight from the marriage into a relationship with someone else that they are dooming that relationship. They don't take time to resolve what is wrong within themselves and they wind up having the same marriage all over again with someone else...mainly because nothing has changed FOR THEM. I am sure some make it, but the stats already show that most second marriages don't, and that includes all of them, not just the ones that were affairs first.
GreenEyedLady Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 My H ended his M after we had been together 3 years and we will be married two years in November and together 6 in January. M is what you make of it. Both put in the work and it's successful. Neither or one does, well not so much. It doesn't matter if you've been married once or more. Stats don't mean a thing when it comes to the individual. Water your garden and it grows. And the converse is true. If you don't water it, it withers and dies. GEL
Sham WOW Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 My H ended his M after we had been together 3 years and we will be married two years in November and together 6 in January. M is what you make of it. Both put in the work and it's successful. Neither or one does, well not so much. It doesn't matter if you've been married once or more. Stats don't mean a thing when it comes to the individual. Water your garden and it grows. And the converse is true. If you don't water it, it withers and dies. GELWow, Green Eyed Lady! Was it really hard being the other woman for three years? I had the opportunity to be an OW in wait for marriage. I decided that if I had to lower my standards for a man, he wasn't worth it. A man that really really loves me will never ask me to do that.
KarmasTestDummy Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 My H ended his M after we had been together 3 years and we will be married two years in November and together 6 in January. M is what you make of it. Both put in the work and it's successful. Neither or one does, well not so much. It doesn't matter if you've been married once or more. Stats don't mean a thing when it comes to the individual. Water your garden and it grows. And the converse is true. If you don't water it, it withers and dies. GEL GEL congrats!!! I appreciate you sticking around to share ur life experiences with Those of us who need it.
desertIslandCactus Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 I had the opportunity to be an OW in wait for marriage. I decided that if I had to lower my standards for a man, he wasn't worth it. A man that really really loves me will never ask me to do that. I understand where you are coming from Sham.
Grace2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 I'm really enjoying this thread, and hearing everyone's take on this. I think everyone knows SOMEONE who has successfully navigated this. And I do believe that the success (or failure) hinges on the people involved, where they are emotionally within their marriage, as a person, and what led them to stray. My xMM and I have had DDay occur since I last posted. It was unfortunate, as we never wanted his wife to know. They were filing anyway, she is in a relationship with someone else, but the you-know-what hit the fan and now EVERYONE knows. Did I mention she writes a blog? Any guesses how UNprivate this situation became? But the silver lining in this very publicized DDay is that because everyone knows what we did in the past, there is nothing holding us back from our future together. We were friends before, remained friends after, and as the dust settles I am starting to allow myself to get excited. This is actually happening! Do we wish we met before marriage/kids? We wouldn't be the same people we are today. I think we appreciate and value each other as a result of what we've both endured in the past. I wouldn't trade anything about our journey to find each other (though I'd take away the hurt we've caused other people by our being together)
TinaniT Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Several of my friends have gone from affair to marriage, and have been working it out long term. They are very happy. As for me, only time will tell! We are headed to marriage and there's still stress and work but we are both incredibly happy together. Moreso than we have ever been.
1Angel Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Um for a serial cheater who marries his/her OP, no. If the cheater hasn't resolved issues of why cheating it won't work. Furthurmore, cheater marrying OP then leaves a space open for OW/OM. It probably has a better chance of lasting if cheater got into serious therapy and truly committed about actually changing behavior. And a one time cheater stands better chance than someone who has cheated his/her whole life. Good luck!
Meredith63 Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 My MM and I have been married for 15 years now. So far so good.
Confused4Now Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 But the silver lining in this very publicized DDay is that because everyone knows what we did in the past, there is nothing holding us back from our future together. We were friends before, remained friends after, and as the dust settles I am starting to allow myself to get excited. This is actually happening! I wouldn't trade anything about our journey to find each other (though I'd take away the hurt we've caused other people by our being together)I think when the truth comes out it forces MM/MW to deal with the issues and not be passive about it and trying to keep their world intact. I also believe MM/MW can't be waffling back and forth. They need to be clear and decisive and move forward. I don't usually see that in this forum often. The ones that do ..end up getting married and are quite happy too. I do agree its a journey whether it goes your way or not. You take the lessons and apply them to anything that comes your way in the future. For me my lesson is I would not put myself in the position to be with a married woman again. That life experience definitely broke me of it.
Grace2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 I think when the truth comes out it forces MM/MW to deal with the issues and not be passive about it and trying to keep their world intact. I also believe MM/MW can't be waffling back and forth. They need to be clear and decisive and move forward. I don't usually see that in this forum often. The ones that do ..end up getting married and are quite happy too. I do agree its a journey whether it goes your way or not. You take the lessons and apply them to anything that comes your way in the future. For me my lesson is I would not put myself in the position to be with a married woman again. That life experience definitely broke me of it. Amen to both of those statements.
Circular Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 I do agree its a journey whether it goes your way or not. You take the lessons and apply them to anything that comes your way in the future. For me my lesson is I would not put myself in the position to be with a married woman again. That life experience definitely broke me of it. Yes, definitely, that was my lesson as well - well, any woman for that matter.
ladydesigner Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Originally Posted by Confused4Now I do agree its a journey whether it goes your way or not. You take the lessons and apply them to anything that comes your way in the future. For me my lesson is I would not put myself in the position to be with a married woman again. That life experience definitely broke me of it. Yes, definitely, that was my lesson as well - well, any woman for that matter. Yes same for me. Big lessons learned. Now if I could just learn how to handle rejection and not be so obsessive about it.
Confused4Now Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Yes, definitely, that was my lesson as well - well, any woman for that matter.Funny you say that...I've been so focused on working myself. I really don't date...I do go out in social activities and am actually enjoying myself. I'm sure in time...when I least expect it something or someone will present themselves and it will happen naturally.
Confused4Now Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Yes same for me. Big lessons learned. Now if I could just learn how to handle rejection and not be so obsessive about it.I don't trip on rejection cause I'm not looking for anything. There is no expectations....I think the minute there is.. you set yourself up for disappointment. So like I said earlier I have enough of my own self now so if things don't go my way I really don't trip.
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