Emotional affair fallout

[hurt_husband]

My wife and I have two children and have been married for over ten years. I caught her having an EA on Facebook earlier this year. It started as an innocent friendship with a male classmate from HS and via Facebook chat escalated into a deep friendship and even to the point of sexually explicit chats. I got suspicious and installed screen sharing software and watched one of their chats. It was devastating to see the depth and nature of their relationship and I felt very much like an outsider in my own marriage at that moment. She hid the EA for about 4 months before I found out.

 

After being confronted about the EA, we went to marriage counseling with our pastor and decided it would be best for her to unfriend the OM on Facebook. This was very painful for her but she did it and the OM has since blocked her so they truly have no contact any longer on Facebook. The OM’s wife has never found out about the EA as far as I know.

 

I do feel that my wife is committed to our marriage and family and is remorseful about the EA. We are much more open with each other now than before which is a good thing. We had neglected our marriage (busy with work, kids, etc.) and that was one of the reasons for the EA in my opinion. I’m stuck on one issue, however and would like others’ opinions.

 

Just before I discovered the EA, my wife brought her fantasies into the bedroom and our sex was better than ever. Most of those fantasies revolved around the OM and had I known the EA was going on, would have never gone down that road. Fast forward 7 months and my wife is still very turned on by fantasies involving the OM. Sex for her is now boring without the fantasy and sex is best when I still talk up the OM. She likes me to talk about scenes where they meet up or that kind of thing.

 

She is adamant that the fantasies are just something that gets her going and that she’d never act on them in real life. Should I continue to give into her desire for fantasies involving someone she had an EA with for a good sex life or am I playing with a fire that will eventually burn the hell out of me?

 

The OM lives 6 hours away and does not want to ruin his marriage either, so the likelihood of them meeting is very small. I think they both realize they made a BIG mistake. They will likely meet at a HS reunion in a couple years, and I’d hate for the continued fantasies to just keep fueling a lust that could come to a head when she sees him again.

 

What say you? Should I give into her sexual fantasies or draw the line and risk a crappy sex life? Regardless, I know she’ll fantasize about him on her own so I have figured I should just play along. Of course I’ve felt on more than one occasion that I’m playing the fool or that I'm doing something very wrong by allowing those fantasies to continue ... am I?

Edited September 30, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[What_Next]

First off, I am sorry that you are here. The impacts of a EA are truly devistating on a marriage. My wife did something similiar and we never properly dealt with it. The lasting impact was the end of our marriage.

 

As for her behavior, well the fantasies concerning the OM, well NO. They need to STOP! That is just wrong.

 

You say it isn't ongoing, are you sure?

[PegNosePete]

Most of those fantasies revolved around the OM and had I known the EA was going on, would have never gone down that road. Fast forward 7 months and my wife is still very turned on by fantasies involving the OM. Sex for her is now boring without the fantasy and sex is best when I still talk up the OM. She likes me to talk about scenes where they meet up or that kind of thing.

Hang on a sec... she wants you to actually talk about how great another man is while you're getting it on? She wants you to describe scenes where she is cheating on you? She was doing this before you discovered the affair, and wants to carry on now as well???

 

Just want to make sure I understand correctly before going off on completely the wrong tangent!

[carhill]

OP, welcome to LS Wish it was under better circumstances...

 

If you wish to recover your marriage, you might want to read the posts of a long-time member named 'Owl', who recovered his M from an emotional affair by his wife. IIRC, they've been recovered a few years now and it took a number of years to successfully recover. If you want to read one of his early threads, this one might be a good place to start:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t54471/

 

It sounds like some positive steps have been taken and more work awaits. Facing that work as a team and employing a professional counselor as appropriate is IMO the next step. Nothing will 'make' her stop her fantasies about OM. She has to stop them voluntarily and IME this process happens over time; it's not a switch one flicks to 'off'.

 

One day at a time. Best wishes.

[hurt_husband]

No, you've got the story right. She says she's always had fantasies about other men, but felt she needed to hide them from me. She says being able to be open with me about them and share them during sex is a huge turn on. Trust me, it works ... she goes wild and the sex is great. I just wonder how healthy it is in the long run. Will playing along during sex satisfy her naughty cravings and decrease the likelihood she goes somewhere else for spice or will fanning this flame just open the door for problems down the road?

[PegNosePete]

No that is absolutely unacceptable and totally unhealthy. When she is with you, she should be with you. I am inclined to agree with W_N, it's very likely she has not cut contact with the OM at all, and is in fact carrying on the affair using other means.

 

Read the recent thread on "Perfect reaction/behaviour" for how to recover from the affair. If she is not able to stick to the "rules" then you need to be strong and get rid of her.

[thomasb]

Wow, I couldn't except that. And if I tried that... well my wife owns guns! Seriously, I would try to talk her into MC.

[kuma]

The OM’s wife has never found out about the EA as far as I know.

 

Why didn't you contact her?

[carhill]

Contacting the other BS could be an appropriate consequence if the OP's newly established boundaries are not adhered to. He could merely share the gathered evidence with her, without commentary. To me, it's a process. First, decide the boundaries, then communicate them, then communicate the consequences. Clarity.

 

OP, is your wife transparent? Has she given you open and unilateral access to all her forms of communication? That's a great first step, IMO. Verifiable positive evidence.

[hurt_husband]

You say it isn't ongoing, are you sure?

 

I'm sure. Impossible through Facebook and she knows if she contacts him any other way and I find out it would cost our marriage. I know in her heart she doesn't want that.

[seibert253]

First off, I am sorry that you are here. The impacts of a EA are truly devistating on a marriage. My wife did something similiar and we never properly dealt with it. The lasting impact was the end of our marriage.

 

As for her behavior, well the fantasies concerning the OM, well NO. They need to STOP! That is just wrong.

 

You say it isn't ongoing, are you sure?

 

^^^^^^^

This

 

If she's still fantasizing about the OM, somethin's wrong my friend. As long as he's still "visiting your bedroom", you and your M will never fully heal.

[karnak]

No, you've got the story right. She says she's always had fantasies about other men, but felt she needed to hide them from me. She says being able to be open with me about them and share them during sex is a huge turn on. Trust me, it works ... she goes wild and the sex is great. I just wonder how healthy it is in the long run. Will playing along during sex satisfy her naughty cravings and decrease the likelihood she goes somewhere else for spice or will fanning this flame just open the door for problems down the road?

 

Are you sure you want to stay married to a woman who imagines she's ****ing other guys while she's in bed with you? I know I wouldn't.

 

I'd be a pig if I were with a woman and thinking of another.

 

And no, this fantasy **** is not increasing her lust for you. You're only being a dildo with legs right now...

[Bryanp]

1. Contact the OM's wife now. You are making a huge mistake not doing this.

2. How do you think your wife would feel if you always asked her to talk about having sex with another woman you had an emotional affair with during sex? You tell her this is the only way for you to get off.

3. This is so sad that your eyes are closed to what is happening. She is so totally disrespecting you by playing fantasy sex with the OM while you are having sex with her. All you are doing is keeping the mind movies going for her. She is playing you for a fool by asking for this fantasy with the OM. You are being fool for encouraging this. You think the sex is great this way for you? She is mentally screwing the OM when you have sex with her. If you think this is great then there is something wrong with you. I wish you luck because you need it.

[karnak]

Should I continue to give into her desire for fantasies involving someone she had an EA with for a good sex life or am I playing with a fire that will eventually burn the hell out of me?

 

 

Sorry, but it seems that, deep down, you already know how this sad story will end.

[woinlove]

I agree with others that you should contact OM's wife, in order to protect your own marriage. This kind of betrayal is a serious threat to your M. Treat it seriously and expect that both of you have to work to protect your M, with your W also having to work on why she was dishonest and betrayed you by hiding the EA.

 

As to the fantasies. First, it's a positive that your W shared fantasies with you. However, the circumstances for this particular fantasy was a double betrayal. She betrayed you with her secret EA and then brought her secret EA into bed with you in a way which was deceptive.

 

Your W needs to own the betrayal and accept responsbility. Her sexual fantasies are unlikely to be confined to the times you two have sex. This man will be occupying her mind throughout the day if she continues to fantasize about him. Your W needs to demonstrate that she can change and become trustworthy and to do this she first needs to focus on you and her and not on OM and her.

 

Having said that, the OM will only leave her head when she decides to make him leave. With MC and IC, she might get to that point sooner. You and your W should continue to discuss fantasizing about other men, boundaries, honesty, openness, and try to come up with a strategy for the future that will not involve any deception (which means not involve this particular OM) and still keep your sex life wild and fun.

[spriggig]

It's a cliche that men think of other women while having sex with their wives. I think it's common that people do this (though I never have), but making it an explicit part of the routine needs to be mutually acceptable. You must let her know that you're not OK with this.

 

Of course, now that you know, you have to deal with the fact that even if she starts hiding it again, she'll still be "somewhere else" when she should be only with you.

 

It's a long, hard road to rebuilding trust. Very long.

[porter218]

 

 

What say you? Should I give into her sexual fantasies or draw the line and risk a crappy sex life? Regardless, I know she’ll fantasize about him on her own so I have figured I should just play along. Of course I’ve felt on more than one occasion that I’m playing the fool or that I'm doing something very wrong by allowing those fantasies to continue ... am I?

 

OMG!! First off, I am so sorry you are going through this. My solution?? hmmm? Tell her to dress up as an X of yours and role play a steamy fantasy of her being this other woman, even if you create a fictional one. Just to see how she reacts . Make sure you get incredibly specific and make sure it is someone who looks nothing like her.

Just see exactly how well that one sits with her.

I really think she needs to find another fantasy because that would break my heart to have to do. I just wouldn't be capable of going along with that nonsense. On a good note, we do know she is opening up to you....

[Iconoclast]

she knows if she contacts him any other way and I find out it would cost our marriage.

 

You better check. This forum is littered with the bodies of spouses who thought the same.

There's no problem with talking up dirty fantasies, fantasy partners, but specifically about the man she was falling in love with? That's rude and insensitive.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Its totally disrespectful. and your keeping the door open if you continue to do it!

[Dexter Morgan]

I caught her having an EA on Facebook earlier this year. It started as an innocent friendship with a male classmate from HS and via Facebook chat escalated into a deep friendship and even to the point of sexually explicit chats.

 

 

After being confronted about the EA, we went to marriage counseling with our pastor and decided it would be best for her to unfriend the OM on Facebook. This was very painful for her

 

 

I do feel that my wife is committed to our marriage and family and is remorseful about the EA.

 

if that were true, it wouldn't be painful for her to drop her sex chats with this other guy.

 

 

She is adamant that the fantasies are just something that gets her going and that she’d never act on them in real life.

 

she is a liar

 

 

Should I continue to give into her desire for fantasies involving someone she had an EA with for a good sex life or am I playing with a fire that will eventually burn the hell out of me?

 

no. but what are you really going to do? you will never know when she is fantasizing about this other guy.

 

when she has sex with you, she is really having the sex she wish she could have with this OM. I wouldn't put up with it, but you have to decide if great sex with a woman that is all wet over another man is worth it or not.

 

 

The OM lives 6 hours away and does not want to ruin his marriage either, so the likelihood of them meeting is very small.

 

that doesn't mean a thing. people who never want to get a divorce cheat all the time.

 

don't be lulled into a false sense of security. from your description so far, you have an unfaithful woman, and that isn't really about to change. if she never ever gets the chance to physically cheat....she will always want to, she may just refrain.

 

 

I think they both realize they made a BIG mistake.

 

you are making excuses for her. don't do that.

 

 

They will likely meet at a HS reunion in a couple years

 

and where will you be?

 

you do need to be there. And I'd make sure, with body language and facial expressions, that you are aware of who he is and what they have done. And if they so much as say "hello" to each other, I'd say the evening needs to be cut short right there.

 

 

What say you? Should I give into her sexual fantasies or draw the line and risk a crappy sex life?

 

so basically the choices are......put your foot down, stand up for yourself, do not be a doormat......and accept crappy sex(which entails that she really doesn't want to have sex with you)?

 

or

 

get great sex with a woman who would rather be spreading her legs for another guy?

 

either way you go it sucks for you.

 

I wouldn't put up with being married to a "woman" like this.

 

 

Regardless, I know she’ll fantasize about him on her own so I have figured I should just play along.

 

exactly. so if you are willing to basically be a cuckold, then stay with her and do what she wants.

 

but it boils down to this, she wants to think of another guy rather than wanting to have sex with you and be turned on by you.

 

I'd say get rid of her, but you do what you think you have to do.

 

 

Of course I’ve felt on more than one occasion that I’m playing the fool or that I'm doing something very wrong by allowing those fantasies to continue ... am I?

 

yes.

[jmargel]

Wow.. talk about a lack of self-respect. Not only are you cheated on but you are then told to talk about the OM this way in order to get laid?

 

She is using you as a body, that's it. She wants to be with him emotionally and physically.

 

Why in the world are you still tolerating this? You seem like the type to roll over and piddle on yourself when it comes to her. She has no respect for you because you have no respect for yourself.

 

If she were to have sex w/ this OM, do you think she would be asking him to talk about you this way? I really doubt it.

 

You need to gain self-confidence, commanding respect without using fear. To start making the rules around there, to start setting the boundaries. You are on a one way path for this to happen again, very fast.

 

Wait until next time she asks you to talk about this guy, stand up, put on your clothes, tell her to f**k off and let her know that you will no longer put up with her games. She is treating you like a toy.

 

Start setting short term goals for yourself, stop kissing her damn feet, start going out on your own, go out with the kids w/o her. Make her start to think about what the heck she is doing.

 

Women love confidence that is why she is attracted to him. Honestly as a man I couldn't think of anything worse in terms of betrayal and humilation that a wife could do to a husband.

 

If my wife even thought about asking such a request she would be on the next train out of here.

 

Too many women in this world that will love and respect you. Start getting some of your self-respect back so that at least your kids will respect you.

[jnj express]

1st contact the other wife---you can get her address thru your wife's Hi Sch. ---Only way to really shut down an A.---is to get it out in the open

 

Your wife needs counseling as to her fantasies----they are unhealthy for your marital situation---actually she needs counseling that probably relates back to FOO issues

 

She may very well need specific thoughts to arouse her---but it definetely SHOULDN'T be thoughts of an old lover who she is now/still emotionally involved with----even if he has gone away (the EA partner)---he is still there for your wife---and right now in the bedroom you are getting sloppy seconds

 

Her A. will not end until he is gone from her thoughts----problem is that is much easier said than done----She will/is more than likely thinking of him every day----and that is very unhealthy for your family

[In Like Flynn]

OMW can be your best ally in watching on the OM's end for other ways they might be communicating. This is an addiction for her and unlikely for her to go cold turkey and by what your doing this emotional affair never ended in her mind. Why not Brad Pitt like most women??

 

Good Luck with this approach. Whats more important to you....her having emotional sex with OM or the health of your marriage???