Somebody slap me upside the head

[Dasha]

I am a solitary person, pretty much. I'm not working anymore and I don't get out much.

 

I had given up on having another lover. Wasn't looking. Now a man is pursuing a sexual relationship with me. A married man with young children. I tell myself, this is ridiculous. He's a pig. I'm not attracted to him anyway. Don't engage in this.

 

And yet I did - not sex, but sexual chat. I enjoyed it, it was exciting. Still, the voice in my head saying, stop this. He is going to hurt you. But he initiates it and I go along. He intends that we will get together and have sex. If I don't break away from this, my pathetic emotional neediness may lead to me getting involved physically. Lust is a powerful thing.

 

I came here because I need this conversation to be somewhere other than in my head, going back and forth. No good can come of getting involved with a man like this, and I know it, but no one has shown any sexual interest in me in years. Years, people. So please don't judge the part of me that is having trouble saying no.

 

I have no friends or anyone I can talk to. My self-esteem is obviously low enough, I don't need to be called names. I would just appreciate someone who has been there and knows better to talk some sense into me.

[siuys]

Hi Dasha, I think I understand. I was in a sexless R for many years, and when I met my xMM I was so ready for it, especially since the chemistry was amazing. However tempted you maybe, you need to consider your emotional wellbeing. I believe some women can engage in an A only for sex, but if you're not one of those, you will most definitely get hurt, feel cheap, and your self esteem further eroded. It will confuse your life, your head and screws with your emotions. It's up to you to set the boundaries as to what experience you choose to have.

 

I don't regret my experience with my xMM but I am glad I walked away with important lessons for myself. However, I would NEVER get involved with an attached person again. I know it is really hard to say no when you have not had a connection or sex or closeness with someone for a long time, but it can potentially destroy you, if you think your self esteem is already low. I would say don't do it, respect yourself, love yourself. I am not sure, but perhaps going to a counsellor for a session or two may help you deal with this before it becomes uncontrollable and you are on this forum telling us about the pain you are going through. I would hate for you to have to do that.... all the best.

[Fieldsofgold]

I am a solitary person, pretty much. I'm not working anymore and I don't get out much.

 

I had given up on having another lover. Wasn't looking. Now a man is pursuing a sexual relationship with me. A married man with young children. I tell myself, this is ridiculous. He's a pig. I'm not attracted to him anyway. Don't engage in this.

 

And yet I did - not sex, but sexual chat. I enjoyed it, it was exciting. Still, the voice in my head saying, stop this. He is going to hurt you. But he initiates it and I go along. He intends that we will get together and have sex. If I don't break away from this, my pathetic emotional neediness may lead to me getting involved physically. Lust is a powerful thing.

 

I came here because I need this conversation to be somewhere other than in my head, going back and forth. No good can come of getting involved with a man like this, and I know it, but no one has shown any sexual interest in me in years. Years, people. So please don't judge the part of me that is having trouble saying no.

 

I have no friends or anyone I can talk to. My self-esteem is obviously low enough, I don't need to be called names. I would just appreciate someone who has been there and knows better to talk some sense into me.

 

Welcome to LS. You will find plenty of people to talk to here, and even some friends among us.

 

I understand how you are feeling. You are just being honest. I commend you for wanting to say no.

 

I agree that if you continue the talk, you will likely follow through. Then, when it is over, you will feel even worse about yourself. It can be a life-destroying kind of esteem damage. Also, if your affair is found out, it might hurt his wife and children as well. Which would also make you feel even more awful. Don't do it. It could literally destroy you.

 

However, I do believe that your reaction and response to him is a wake-up call for you. It is showing you that you are ready for some major changes in your life. You are ready to end the solitary confinement you have been in. You don't really want an affair with this married guy. What you really want are friends, relationships, connection, real love. I know, because after 20 years of losing myself in my work, I had such a call from a MM, my childhood "love of my life" torn apart by circumstances beyond our control, yada yada - He told me he'd never forgotten me, never gotten over me, etc. It was a severe temptation. I knew I didn't want an affair, not really, not even for him. But after thinking about it for some time, it did make me realize that I wanted more in my life than what I was living. I realized I had seriously neglected some important areas of my life. I realized I needed to change some major things.

 

I think the fact that you are even listening to this guy shows that you are ready for big-time change, too. I don't really understand how this works, but I believe we send out subtle messages that tend to keep people away, or attract them to us. We attract or repel, based on what we see ourselves being worthy of. You are worth waaaaaay more than this guy has to offer you. You just need to get ahold of the reality of that. Examine your thought processes and change the parts that aren't giving you what you want. Maybe it is time to re-invent yourself and your life, to start attracting what you really want. You can do that. Figure out what you really want in your life. Get some counseling, if you think it might help. Change your hairstyle. Change the places you go. Find things that interest you and get involved in. Volunteer. Join a club or organization you find interesting. Dont be afraid to change things up in your life. Remember that if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always gotten.

 

I believe his call is a wake-up call to you - not a call for a possibly painful and self-esteem crushing affair with an emotionally unavailable creep, but a call to wake up, come out of hybernation, and start enjoying your life in ways YOU want to - ways that are good, and healthy, and affirming for YOU. He's a counterfeit of what you really want. Don't forget that. You can have the real thing. You just have to be willing to make choices, and changes. Stop "settling" for the counterfeit and start being open to, and choosing things that are what you really want, things that are good and fulfilling for YOU.

 

And keep posting here.

Edited September 29, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[TigerCub]

Hi Dasha

 

I'm sorry that your life isn't going the way you had hoped and that your self esteem is shot.

 

I think those are reasons why you shouldn't get involved with this MM. He will make you feel so much worse in the long run. You already mentioned your neediness, and chances are, if you get involved with this man (even if its just sex at first), you will get so attached to him.

 

Then, when he doesn't leave his wife for you, you'll question why you're not good enough and that will make your self esteem so much worse.

 

I have pretty good self esteem, but after my involvement with MM, I did have a lot of questions and doubts about my self worth, and this is from someone that has a pretty healthy self esteem. I would really hate for you to destroy your sense of self, your sense of worth, for what started out just being sexual release.

 

I agree with the other poster that said that maybe this is a calling for you to make some changes in your life. Change what you're not happy with, work on your self esteem and I'm sure you'll attract and be emotionally ready for the right/available man.

 

P.S. If you just want sex, do online dating, a lot of sites are "dating" sites, but lots of people on them just want to hook up.

I think that would be a better route for you if you just want a sexual partner.

 

I hope you find your peace/happiness

[TaraMaiden]

I love it when people come in and post things like this:

 

"Somebody slap me upside the head"

 

I see it as an open invitation to give some straight-talking, tough, non-nonsense, frank, open, honest and blunt advice!

 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

That way, if my comments get flagged, I can say "She made me do it! it's not my fault! It just happened!"

 

Which is pretty much what an awful lot of cheaters come out with.

 

But you haven't.

in fact, you're doing the opposite.

And you've kinda taken the wind out of my sails, because the very fact that you see it's a stupid, mindless, needlessly complicating, self-sabotaging exercise in the complete destruction of your dignity and self-esteem, puts me entirely behind you, and I'm cheering you on to resist with every fibre of your being.

 

your happiness is not dependant on somebody wanting you for sex.

Your happiness is not dependant on you settling for second-best.

 

You really have to dig deep within yourself, and ask yourself two questions:

 

do I just want the sex?

is there more to me than just this?

 

The sex is a side issue.

if you really just wanted sex, you honestly could go pick it up anywhere you wanted to.

Hell, stick a few posters up with your number, and "Ring for a good time" and your phone would never be silent....

 

Question #2?

I think we both know the answer to that one.

 

Tell him he's a creep and walk away from this. Or at least, stop yourself short from doing anything physical with him.

Start putting him off, and ask him whether he used to talk to his wife this way, and if so, why has he now stopped?

Why is he looking to having you as a good-time girl, when qith a bit more effort, he could be wooing his wife in the same way?

 

Shame him.

And walk away with your dignity intact

[Dasha]

I love you guys so much right now. Thank you. This is what I need to be reinforcing my thinking with. I am going to read these posts every day. Maybe more than once a day, until I am completely over any inclination to even think about him.

 

As I posted in my other post, this afternoon I uninstalled my Yahoo IM program so that it doesn't pop up saying, hey, he's online, maybe he'll see you're online and say hi...blah blah. Don't even want to see his name on my screen.

 

I feel bad that I even did the sexual chatting with him, but at least I didn't completely demoralize myself and ruin his life by actually having sex with him. I was going to. For the love of God, I was letting it go in that direction. What an idiot. The wife always finds out sooner or later, right? He didn't even seem to care about the risk. Like she's going to say, well, boys will be boys and forgive him. The kids are four and six; what was I ever thinking.

 

It's sometimes so hard to pull your head out of your phermones and face reality, especially when it's new and so exciting. Yay! Somebody is interested in me! What a bunch of crap.

 

Thanks again, I feel like someone is looking out for me that I even found this site and this forum.

Edited September 30, 2010 by Dasha

[Fieldsofgold]

I love you guys so much right now. Thank you. This is what I need to be reinforcing my thinking with. I am going to read these posts every day. Maybe more than once a day, until I am completely over any inclination to even think about him.

 

As I posted in my other post, this afternoon I uninstalled my Yahoo IM program so that it doesn't pop up saying, hey, he's online, maybe he'll see you're online and say hi...blah blah. Don't even want to see his name on my screen.

 

I feel bad that I even did the sexual chatting with him, but at least I didn't completely demoralize myself and ruin his life by actually having sex with him. I was going to. For the love of God, I was letting it go in that direction. What an idiot. The wife always finds out sooner or later, right? He didn't even seem to care about the risk. Like she's going to say, well, boys will be boys and forgive him. The kids are four and six; what was I ever thinking.

 

It's sometimes so hard to pull your head out of your phermones and face reality, especially when it's new and so exciting. Yay! Somebody is interested in me! What a bunch of crap.

 

Thanks again, I feel like someone is looking out for me that I even found this site and this forum.

 

You go girl!!!! You're waaaaaay better than to settle for that! I'm proud onyou for disabling IM. That's an excellent move! Have a great day today, you deserve it.

[Dexter Morgan]

I am a solitary person, pretty much. I'm not working anymore and I don't get out much.

 

I had given up on having another lover. Wasn't looking. Now a man is pursuing a sexual relationship with me. A married man with young children. I tell myself, this is ridiculous. He's a pig. I'm not attracted to him anyway. Don't engage in this.

 

ok, you said you wanted slapped upside the head, so remember, you asked for it.

 

are you out of your mind to mess around with a dirtbag like this? and if you do mess around with him, hope he doesn't have a wife that can go psycho if she finds out he is messing around with another woman.

 

and he has young children? gee...whatta man. they say you can cheat and still be a good father. I say bulls##t. to cheat is to put family 2nd. and if they cared about their family, they wouldn't cheat.

 

so there is your slap upside the head you asked for. Why would you even entertain giving a pig like this an ego trip? and this is pretty much a fact....he wants to use you like a #### doll. Thats it...thats all. If you don't care about this, or his family....then have at it.

 

but if you have any self-respect.....STOP NOW!

[2sure]

Still, the voice in my head saying, stop this. He is going to hurt you.

 

OK, how about if you dont stop this YOU are going to hurt others - his wife and small children??