Possibly the worst mess ever = Break up, pregnancy, paternity in question.(very long)

[corndogankles]

Hello all, this is my first post, and I've not been able to find a thread that is quite the same as my situation, so here goes:

 

I fell in love with, dated and lived with a girl for the last 2.5 years. We definitely went through some hard times, the first of which being a few months after we moved in together we both lost our jobs. It was harder on me than her, since she felt like everything always works out for her, and I am the type that likes to feel financially secure.

 

Mind you, during this time, my gf constantly put pressure on me to take the next step of marriage, and buying a house, and having kids. I said, we have to figure out our employment situation first. She went off the pill, with my knowledge, both of us figuring if we have a child, then it would be a blessing...

 

After a year of making ends meet on unemployment, we both had somewhat steady work, but I had more credit card debt than I was comfortable with. My girlfriends' friend, a girl, whom she had lived with before moving in with me, asked if we wanted to move in with her to save money. We did.

 

That situation became toxic, as my gf became insanely jealous of her friend, thinking there was something going on between the two of us, which there absolutely was not. I went out of my way not to linger around our new roomate, or even pay too much attention to her, but it was still something my gf couldn't let go of.

 

My gf, having become extremely combative with me, and our roomate, brought up the subject of getting a cat. Our roomate, who owns her house mind you, says no. My gf decides to bring a stray cat home about 2 weeks later, and our roomate says you have a week to get that cat out of here. During that week my gf tried unsuccessfully, and a little spitefully to convince our roomate to let us keep it. The roomate approaches me saying "I need you two to leave, but I'm not ready to tell your gf yet" I said fine, tell us both when you are ready. The roomate sent me a few emails, venting to me about the situation, I responded neutrally, saying eventually, please have this talk with us I'm uncomfortable keeping this from my gf anymore. We have the talk, my gf is present, and everything seemed fine. We discussed when would be good move-out date for everyone, we settled on it.

 

A few days later my gf found the emails, and went ballistic. She was "so disappointed in my lack of character" for keeping this from her and having a secret behind her back with another girl. I apologized, said it wasn't fair to her, i'm sorry won't do anything like that again, but that i was only doing it to try and get us out of there as smoothly as possible, and no other reason.

 

we left before the agreed upon move-out date. none of us could stand it anymore, (even though we agreed to pay the roomate for the a month while we weren't there) so my gf, the cat, and i move into a sub-leased furnished apt where cats are okay. my gf, does not seem to be any happier, doesn't even seem to care about the cat. she becomes increasingly distant, starts coming home later and later. is involving herself more and more with environmental groups and organic farming. i noticed a trend involving one particular male, and my gf going to more and more things he was involved in. I confronted her about him more than once, but she denied having any interest in him. when i told her she would have to let me know when he would be at an event, and that i would be there too, she stopped telling me what she was doing and wouldn't come home until after midnight sometimes. After about a few weeks of this, I said "I'm moving out" so i did. She convinced me to come back a day later. My gf had some break downs saying she didn't think we would break up, I said you've been acting a different way. Three days later, her behavior did not change, and when I confronted her, she says she wants to break up. So I really did move out.

 

She clung to me after the break up, and said she wanted to work things out but that the space would be good for us. She and I kept having intercourse, although before we did I asked if she was seeing anyone else, or sleeping with anyone else, in particular earlier said male. She said no.

 

Her "space" that she was keeping from me started to become too shady. she wouldn't talk to me about anything deeper than what we were doing at the present time, i.e. not about what her plans were, or about us, or what she had been up to.

 

Then I intercepted not one, but two emails which all but proved that she was sleeping with this other guy, and when confronted she denied it again and again, saying i was the only one she had been with and she didn't want anything to do with other guy. Eventually I told her off saying i know she is lying, she is seeing us both and enjoying it, and don't ever talk to me again.

 

The next day she said she has to tell me something, and she comes clean that she had been sleeping with the other guy, and she's pregnant. We don't know who's it is (although she says to me that I'm the only one who came in her). I said "bull****, let's see you take a test" She took one in front of me, and it was positive. She said she wants it to be mine too. She says the other guy "doesn't have his **** together" but I did, and that she had no history with him and didn't want to have to go through getting to know him. I said I wanted it to be mine, and for us to work it out... but then took a day to think it over. I then told her, if she and I were going to work things out, she would have to put a lot of effort into it. Also, if it's not mine, I'm gone.

 

A few days later, she says she wants to tell the other guy, and get to know him better in case it's his child. I told her she was a fool, and that if its my kid she's ruining our chances of working things out, and that she would not have it both ways anymore. I didn't talk to her for over a week after that. Then she starts contacting me saying she misses me, she misses us, she doesnt' trust him, or love him, and that she loves me, but that he said he'd stay with her whether it's his kid or not, so that gave her a sense of security. I told her it was killing me that she was with this other guy, and that if it's mine I'm thinking more about joint custody than working it out with her.

 

Currently, she says she doesnt want to hurt anyone anymore, and that she's not going to see either one of us until the paternity test. Although, she has been meeting up with me...

 

What am I doing? Can I trust her? Do I wait until the paternity test and let her develop a relationship with OM? Then have a child that I will only see on the weekends? Anybody ever seen anything like this? YAAAARGHH!!!

[Lemontang]

Dude that's messed up I really really feel for you bro. I think your best bet is to just wait it out until the paternity test as that's the fork in the road.

 

You could just man up now if you love her enough to work through this. But if it is the other guys and your still by her side then all I can say is you've got more guts than a lot of other people do if you choose to stay. As he'll be more than just some random but someone who'll always be in her life one way or another.

 

Secondly if it is yours then it's a choice of still sticking by her or just supporting the child instead as single parents. Tough call but do your homework, talk to a family planing councilor or councilor in general to help you both out of what is a really sticky situation.

 

But make the choice that's right for you.

[corndogankles]

Update:

 

Since Monday, I've been getting very little to no response from her when trying to contact her. I have a feeling it has to do with her seeing OM. Maybe not, maybe she's trying to stick to her guns about not seeing either of us... but I doubt it. I'm not sure I can care anymore.

 

It's like you said Lemontang, we will just have to wait and see. It will be a long wait though...

[corndogankles]

Well it's been over a year since the last post, i thought i'd update it since I still think my relationship warrants a post in some other forum, but is still going...

 

I stayed as far away from my ex as i could while she was with the other guy. She tried to keep tabs on me and meet up with me something fierce when she wasn't with him. I'll spare the melo-drama as much as possible and just say she lied her ass off about the fact that she had moved in with him and they were together.

 

4.5 months into the pregnancy, we have the test, the test says it's definitely my child, she moves out of the apartment they lived in. she keeps in contact with him behind my back while i'm attempting to reconcile with her for the next month. i confront her and let her know any secret contact with him won't be tolerated. we went for a weekend getaway and sign up for birthing classes, move in to a new apartment a month later. have two baby showers, i start a new job 3 hours away from home. she has the baby. i keep working 3 hours away during the week, and coming home on the weekends, while she stays back and watches baby. during this time there are i think 2 or 3 violations of my boundary with regards to her secret contact with the other guy. the last one of those, i told her any contact between them would be the end.

 

after 6 months of me working 3 hours away, she, baby, and i move to the city my new job is in. we were there for a month when there was another violation of the now NO CONTACT with the other guy rule. i told her she needed leave. she pleads that we can work it out and that now she will take him off her fbook and chat and make sure there is no way he can send her a message (which is what supposedly this last violation was)

 

that was 3 months ago. now she is 3 hours away (her hometown, with her mom where we had lived) i'm not sure i know how we've gotten to this point, but i'm wanting to get over the feelings of mistrust, and i wonder where the responsibility lies in me making peace with things, and how much responsibility lies in her rebuilding trust.

 

Also, i'm not sure how much longer i feel the relationship can go on in its current state. when she leaves now instead of insecurity, i feel relief. How healthy is that?

 

corndog

 

PS - On a brighter note, our baby boy is amazing, and a joy to everyone who sees him.

[Ajax]

Wow, corndogankles. Just... wow.

 

I just have to be honest here. Your girlfriend scares me.

 

In a nutshell here's my take. You can't trust her and you'll never be able to trust her. You could try to stay together for the sake of your child. That would be a noble and honorable thing for you to do. But I doubt it will ever be a loving and honest relationship ever. There may be flashes of passion. There will be drama. But an honest and open relationship with this woman will never be possible unless she sees how unhealthy her behavior is and goes through years of therapy to bring her to a healthy state. From what you've described, she doesn't seem self reflective or compassionate enough to care.

 

Like I said, it would be noble and honorable for you to try to make it work for your child. But she doesn't seem to be that noble or honorable herself. She seems utterly selfish and hypocritical, and it's probably only a matter of time before she leaves you for that other guy or someone else. And I don't think you'll ever find true happiness within this relationship.

 

Only you can make decisions for you. But if you were to hypothetically leave her, or she leaves you, you still need to do what's best for your child. I think it would be wise to get some sort of legal representation and counsel regarding your rights and responsibilities as a parent.

 

Good luck and keep us posted as to any new developments.

[corndogankles]

Thanks for your reply Ajax. I haven't heard a fresh, objective take on the situation for quite some time. I also appreciate that you see the finer points of my dilemma and the challenges I'm faced with.

 

As both you and Lemontang pointed out, I really want to seek council, but we are financially strapped. My gf and I went to relationship counseling for a little over a month before the break-up to no avail. At that time, it became obvious quickly that she wasn't invested in getting anything from the counseling. She has mentioned since we've tried to reconcile that she would try again. I would love to hear if there are any family council, legal council or general mental health and well being counciling options that are free or very close to free in cost.

 

In the meantime, I've had to resort to the internet and whatever comes up in google under things like "rebuilding trust", "relationship communication" and "personality disorders." Loveshack seems like a great community, but I haven't found enough parallel in other's situations to feel good applying to mine. When I was broken up with her, I was applying NC which helped though. Now maybe I should look through the reconciliation threads...

 

Thanks again, I have drawn strength from the empathy in your response. I will be sure to update my thread when new things happen.