second chance...long distance?

[fleur_de_me]

So, I was with my boyfriend for a year and things were wonderful (I'm 27, he's 31). He has kind of a difficult past, and a son from a previous marriage, but I really loved his kid and there were never any issues about this.

 

I had to go away for a few months to Europe in the spring for my research, but we made it work and got through it fairly easily. I was able to come back every few weeks so it wasn't too bad.

 

Things were going well, I had planned to stay in NY and we wanted to get a place together, but as it turned out, I had to move out of state for my doctorate. Even though we'd discussed how we were going to make this work for a few months, at the last minute, my boyfriend said he couldn't handle it, and we broke up just before I left.

 

I was devastated and surprised, and for the first time in my life my heart was really broken. Mostly because it seemed to come out of nowhere, and secondly because I didn't really have a choice. I didn't want to leave, but I'd been working on this project for many years and didn't want to give up my dreams even though I love him a lot. I thought we could work through it, and still see each other every few weeks, and even for a few months at a time when I had breaks, but he didn't want to do it. He said it was too hard, and a million other things. At the same time he was like "eventually I wanted to marry you, but I wanted us to have time together, to live together like a real couple, etc" and "if you're still single when you come back, I want to be with you."

 

I should say we never really fought, he always treated me with the utmost respect and has always been there for me when I needed him. He was affectionate, kind and loving, but he carried around a lot of emotional baggage from his last relationship that made him kind of emotionally reserved, although I always felt loved.

 

I went NC for two months, but recently we started talking again. He IM'd me a few times, then we exchanged a few emails and then talked briefly on the phone. Never about the relationship, just about what we're both up to.

 

I decided to plan a trip to NY to visit some of my other friends and he found out and said he wanted to see me. So, he's taking a day off work so we can spend time together while I'm there. He asked me to stay with him, I said that I'm staying with one of my girlfriends.

 

I don't know what to do- I really love him and want to get back with him. I've been miserable for months without him, and I wish we could figure something out. I realize things are difficult with me gone, but I sometimes feel like something is better than nothing- and even if we talk sometimes, and I see him when I'm in town, maybe later down the road we can work it out.

 

How should I handle this meeting? When I left things were good- we didn't fight about anything, he just held me like everything was normal until I got on the plane and that was it.

 

My plan right now is just to look amazing, be cool and act like I've moved on. But I haven't. At all. I miss him so much I'd do anything to be with him. I love what I do, but honestly, I don't care if I have the best career in the world if there's no one to share it with. That being said, I have too many loans to just leave in the middle of what I'm doing!!

 

Help!?!?

Edited September 29, 2010 by fleur_de_me

[Don Ho]

How should you handle it? Find a man that lives within a 20 mile radius of you and move on. Sorry, not a fan of LDRs at all and I think there's a reason you're separate. Remember, you can't make chicken salad out of chicken sht.

[fleur_de_me]

Um, yeah. Thanks for the thoughtful response? I'm sorry, but I don't think men are just like groceries you go out and buy at your convenience. I'm old enough to have dated enough people to know when there is someone special, someone I can really see myself being with. He fulfilled me in every way, and I felt for the first time this is someone I can spend the rest of my life with.

 

In the last few months, I've been on a few dates, had a few people interested in me, and I honestly couldn't care less. My heart isn't there, I don't care about other people, I don't want to be with other people- no one else can compare to this guy.

 

So, thanks for your opinion about LDR being bull****, I realize it isn't an option for many people, but I'd really appreciate some advice about what I can do in my given situation besides just throw in the towel. It might be inevitable at some point, but it isn't right now.

[Don Ho]

It was a thoughtful response. You just didn't like the answer. Men are not like groceries, however, there have to be a couple of thousand in your area that you're compatible with. I don't get the LDR. Why would you want to see someone that's hundreds or thousands of miles away? I think it's either fantasy or inability to be emotionally connected with someone local.

 

Oh, you want advice. Look amazing, be cool, act like you're fine and read this about ten times:

 

1. ACT HAPPY

Don’t show any signs of being sad or depressed in front of them. This doesn’t mean going up to them and saying “my life’s fabulous now I’m sooo glad we’re finished”. It just means you should put on an appearance that everything is fine and dandy. This is an especially important rule if your ex found you to be clingy. No one wants to feel like they’re responsible for someone else's happiness, so show them that they’re not. You don’t need them to be happy.

 

 

2. DO NOT BRING UP THE RELATIONSHIP!

As above under ‘stop questioning them’. If they happen to bring up any relationship type talk, it’s ok to engage if you think you can both do it in a calm collected manner. If not or if it drags on without going anywhere, it’s best to just to divert and go back to normal, friendly chit chat or make your excuses and exit the conversation (in a polite way). If they’re constantly on the phone to you crying over what’s gone on but show no sign whatsoever in wanting to reconcile, they’re just stringing you along and you can’t let them.



3. DON'T ARGUE

Arguing closes off lines of communication which is not what you want to do when you’re trying to open them up or keep them open. The more you fight, the more you criticise, the more they defend themselves, the more they back off the less they think of you and the more they think they’ve made the right decision to leave you. Stop arguing, keep your emotions in check!

 

 

4. DON’T REACT TO THEIR HOSTILITY

It’s not unknown for dumpers to react in a cold or hostile way to the dumpee after a break up even when the dumpee hasn’t done anything to deserve it, especially when they have a new person!! The natural thing to do is react angrily to this and demand to know why you’re being treated unfairly. I don’t know why the dumper feels this need to be cruel but I do know that when you react to it, you just make matters worse. Quite often you don’t get an answer for their behavior and the more you push the more hostile and distant they get. If they tell you that you can’t pick up the rest of your stuff from their place because they’re too busy, just tell them “that’s fine, we can sort that out another time”. You’re easy going, you’re cool, you’re calm and that should hopefully force your ex to stop fighting and start acting rationally.

 

5. FAKE INDIFFERENCE

Fake indifference about the breakup. It’s not what you wanted but it was their decision so that’s ok with you. Obviously it’s not ok, but acting like you care too much is unlikely to work. Especially if they’ve told you there’s no chance they’ll change their mind and want you back.

 

They’ve broken up with you and they’re totally unfazed by the whole thing. You on the other hand are heartbroken, confused, hurt and angry. You cry, you get upset and you give off the impression that you’re desperate and you need them. You push and you push and you push and they back further and further away. When you act indifferent to the break up you stop becoming needy and instead come across as a mature rational person who although didn’t want the break up is willing to accept it and refuses to dwell.

 

6. STOP TELLING THEM YOU LOVE THEM

When they’ve dumped you and you’re saying “I love you” you’re trying to claw them back into a relationship they don’t want to be in. You’re saying to them I need you, I want you, please give me what I’m looking for. As far as they’re concerned it’s all done and dusted and you’re just grasping at straws. You can’t force someone to feel what they don’t feel. They don’t love you anymore, that’s fine. You’re backing off. There’s no pressure and you’re not gonna tell them you love them because although you’d like to have them you don’t need them.

 

7. STOP QUESTIONING THEM

Don’t ask them what they’re thinking, what they’re feeling, what they thinking about the break up, if they’ve noticed how much you’ve changed. This can be very intimidating to people and it puts them on the defensive. Also if you keep asking them and they keep having to explain what they feel they’ve already explained, they’re gonna start getting annoyed with you and want less and less to do with you. Take off the pressure and watch them feel more at ease.

 

8. STOP CRITICIZING & COMPLAINING

Don’t blame them for the break up, don’t complain about what they did wrong in the relationship. It’s fine to talk to let off steam to others about this (just don’t do it too often otherwise your friends will dump you) but if you want to reconcile with your ex, don’t criticize. Judging them and chipping away at them is not gonna keep the lines of communication open. If you wanna discuss the ins and outs of what you both did wrong in the relationship, chances are you’ll have that talk if you get back together. Now is not the time.

 

9. DON'T TRY TO CONVINCE THEM TO FEEL DIFFERENTLY

People don’t like to be told what to think and feel. It’s a form of control and who likes to be controlled? Nobody. They already know how they feel, they’ve made their decision and the more you try to persuade them otherwise, the more they’ll dig in their heels. Don’t try to convince them that you’re so wonderful, the perfect BF or GF and why they should love you and feel a certain way. You’re just pushing and it will push them away. Also, when you try to persuade them to feel differently you’re insulting them because they think you’re questioning their judgement and decision. That’s not going to help your cause.

 

10. DON'T GIVE THE IMPRESSION YOU'RE WAITING AROUND

If you keep letting them know that you’re there if they ever change their mind, you’re nothing but a pushover and a sap. Every time you give off that impression you’re saying I can’t get anyone else, I have low self esteem, I’ll be your plan B, I’m willing to accept whatever breadcrumb you throw in my direction. Not very attractive to a potential mate. This attitude doesn’t give of confidence or sex appeal. You’re absolutely no challenge to them anymore. They don’t even have to try. Boring! Best to tell them or give them the impression that you’re out having fun, seeing people of the opposite sex and moving on.

 

11. TANTALIZE, REASSURE & WORRY THEM

Tantalise them, reassure them and worry them. Tantalise means your new found confidence, your looks, your conversational skills or whatever it was that your ex was attracted to in the beginning. Tantalising them means alluring them back to you but in an indirect sort of way. You don’t want them to know that all this effort is for them! Reassuring means making sure they realise you’re not gonna be needy, you’re not gonna be possessive, you wont be jealous and you’re not desperate to win them back. Worry means worrying them that they might lose you. Don’t tell them they might lose you, just go out and date and don’t let them know that nobody else compares to them. If you do that they’ll know you’re effectively just waiting in the wings. Reverse the roles and hopefully when they know someone else is cozying up to you they’ll start to wonder what they’ve thrown away.

[durkadurka]

It was a thoughtful response. You just didn't like the answer. Men are not like groceries, however, there have to be a couple of thousand in your area that you're compatible with. I don't get the LDR. Why would you want to see someone that's hundreds or thousands of miles away? I think it's either fantasy or inability to be emotionally connected with someone local.

 

Oh, you want advice. Look amazing, be cool, act like you're fine and read this about ten times:

 

1. ACT HAPPY

Don’t show any signs of being sad or depressed in front of them. This doesn’t mean going up to them and saying “my life’s fabulous now I’m sooo glad we’re finished”. It just means you should put on an appearance that everything is fine and dandy. This is an especially important rule if your ex found you to be clingy. No one wants to feel like they’re responsible for someone else's happiness, so show them that they’re not. You don’t need them to be happy.

 

 

2. DO NOT BRING UP THE RELATIONSHIP!

As above under ‘stop questioning them’. If they happen to bring up any relationship type talk, it’s ok to engage if you think you can both do it in a calm collected manner. If not or if it drags on without going anywhere, it’s best to just to divert and go back to normal, friendly chit chat or make your excuses and exit the conversation (in a polite way). If they’re constantly on the phone to you crying over what’s gone on but show no sign whatsoever in wanting to reconcile, they’re just stringing you along and you can’t let them.

 

3. DON'T ARGUE

Arguing closes off lines of communication which is not what you want to do when you’re trying to open them up or keep them open. The more you fight, the more you criticise, the more they defend themselves, the more they back off the less they think of you and the more they think they’ve made the right decision to leave you. Stop arguing, keep your emotions in check!

 

 

4. DON’T REACT TO THEIR HOSTILITY

It’s not unknown for dumpers to react in a cold or hostile way to the dumpee after a break up even when the dumpee hasn’t done anything to deserve it, especially when they have a new person!! The natural thing to do is react angrily to this and demand to know why you’re being treated unfairly. I don’t know why the dumper feels this need to be cruel but I do know that when you react to it, you just make matters worse. Quite often you don’t get an answer for their behavior and the more you push the more hostile and distant they get. If they tell you that you can’t pick up the rest of your stuff from their place because they’re too busy, just tell them “that’s fine, we can sort that out another time”. You’re easy going, you’re cool, you’re calm and that should hopefully force your ex to stop fighting and start acting rationally.

 

5. FAKE INDIFFERENCE

Fake indifference about the breakup. It’s not what you wanted but it was their decision so that’s ok with you. Obviously it’s not ok, but acting like you care too much is unlikely to work. Especially if they’ve told you there’s no chance they’ll change their mind and want you back.

 

They’ve broken up with you and they’re totally unfazed by the whole thing. You on the other hand are heartbroken, confused, hurt and angry. You cry, you get upset and you give off the impression that you’re desperate and you need them. You push and you push and you push and they back further and further away. When you act indifferent to the break up you stop becoming needy and instead come across as a mature rational person who although didn’t want the break up is willing to accept it and refuses to dwell.

 

6. STOP TELLING THEM YOU LOVE THEM

When they’ve dumped you and you’re saying “I love you” you’re trying to claw them back into a relationship they don’t want to be in. You’re saying to them I need you, I want you, please give me what I’m looking for. As far as they’re concerned it’s all done and dusted and you’re just grasping at straws. You can’t force someone to feel what they don’t feel. They don’t love you anymore, that’s fine. You’re backing off. There’s no pressure and you’re not gonna tell them you love them because although you’d like to have them you don’t need them.

 

7. STOP QUESTIONING THEM

Don’t ask them what they’re thinking, what they’re feeling, what they thinking about the break up, if they’ve noticed how much you’ve changed. This can be very intimidating to people and it puts them on the defensive. Also if you keep asking them and they keep having to explain what they feel they’ve already explained, they’re gonna start getting annoyed with you and want less and less to do with you. Take off the pressure and watch them feel more at ease.

 

8. STOP CRITICIZING & COMPLAINING

Don’t blame them for the break up, don’t complain about what they did wrong in the relationship. It’s fine to talk to let off steam to others about this (just don’t do it too often otherwise your friends will dump you) but if you want to reconcile with your ex, don’t criticize. Judging them and chipping away at them is not gonna keep the lines of communication open. If you wanna discuss the ins and outs of what you both did wrong in the relationship, chances are you’ll have that talk if you get back together. Now is not the time.

 

9. DON'T TRY TO CONVINCE THEM TO FEEL DIFFERENTLY

People don’t like to be told what to think and feel. It’s a form of control and who likes to be controlled? Nobody. They already know how they feel, they’ve made their decision and the more you try to persuade them otherwise, the more they’ll dig in their heels. Don’t try to convince them that you’re so wonderful, the perfect BF or GF and why they should love you and feel a certain way. You’re just pushing and it will push them away. Also, when you try to persuade them to feel differently you’re insulting them because they think you’re questioning their judgement and decision. That’s not going to help your cause.

 

10. DON'T GIVE THE IMPRESSION YOU'RE WAITING AROUND

If you keep letting them know that you’re there if they ever change their mind, you’re nothing but a pushover and a sap. Every time you give off that impression you’re saying I can’t get anyone else, I have low self esteem, I’ll be your plan B, I’m willing to accept whatever breadcrumb you throw in my direction. Not very attractive to a potential mate. This attitude doesn’t give of confidence or sex appeal. You’re absolutely no challenge to them anymore. They don’t even have to try. Boring! Best to tell them or give them the impression that you’re out having fun, seeing people of the opposite sex and moving on.

 

11. TANTALIZE, REASSURE & WORRY THEM

Tantalise them, reassure them and worry them. Tantalise means your new found confidence, your looks, your conversational skills or whatever it was that your ex was attracted to in the beginning. Tantalising them means alluring them back to you but in an indirect sort of way. You don’t want them to know that all this effort is for them! Reassuring means making sure they realise you’re not gonna be needy, you’re not gonna be possessive, you wont be jealous and you’re not desperate to win them back. Worry means worrying them that they might lose you. Don’t tell them they might lose you, just go out and date and don’t let them know that nobody else compares to them. If you do that they’ll know you’re effectively just waiting in the wings. Reverse the roles and hopefully when they know someone else is cozying up to you they’ll start to wonder what they’ve thrown away.

 

This is a bible. I printed this out and I plan on taping it to my wall.

[Don Ho]

You know I've copyrighted it and you have to pay, right?

[fleur_de_me]

Haha- OK, thanks. Maybe you're right and in the end there will be nothing I can do but accept it and move on, but I want to give it my best shot.

 

I'm definitely going to have to work on my personal fortitude- he called me the other day and we talked for the first time, but a few hours later I was feeling like **** because he sounded really happy on the phone, like he wasn't affected at all by our break-up (we didn't talk about anything relationship wise, but I was still hoping he'd sound like he missed me or something). I was surprised at how emotional I was after this stupid 10 minute phone call where we said nothing. Guess that's what NC is about.

 

I have two weeks until I see him- am going to work on being totally cool and non-emotional

 

Thanks!

[Don Ho]

Sounds like he was using Rule 5 on you, which is what you should have been doing!

[fleur_de_me]

Haha- yeah, he got me with the Rule #5. I was cool on the phone, I definitely didn't show my cards, but I feel like I will definitely have the upper hand in real life. I'm excited- I know I look good, am putting a new outfit together (an outfit that says "i'm sexy and stylish, but it is effortless. i just look hot without trying"), and I know when he sees me he's going to have a hard time controlling himself. He never could. So now my power is in him wanting me (even if it is just physically) and me not giving in!

 

So, that's my plan. Show up, be cool, have a fun day hanging out and despite his best attempts, not hook up with him or stay at his place. I think it will be just the ego blow he needs. I definitely fell into the trap of sleeping with him again in the days following the "break up"- although he insisted we would not be "officially" broken up until after I left. I fell for it then, but won't this time.

 

I'm a stronger person now and don't "need" him, as I've proven to myself with two months NC, so this is about me getting my self-respect back. I don't want the image in his mind being one of a crying and pathetic person (like it was when I left), but of a confident, hottie who has a ton of good things going on in her life.

 

On the downside, the timing might not be the best for "getting him back"- he's had a lot of great things going for him in the last month. He bought a house, got a promotion, and was in the NY Times yesterday for a project he's working on that's gained international recognition (which he IM'd me about at 2am as soon as the link went live). I'm pretty sure he feels now more than ever he doesn't want to be "held down" by anyone, that it would be a shame not to use this bit of fame to pick up tons of girls and be a total player.

 

But like I said- my goal this trip is to plant a new seed, to give him a different image of myself than when I left. It is more for me than anything else- I want my self-respect back!

 

Let's see if I have the skills to pull it off- T minus one week! And I have a fabulous new pair of shoes.

[Don Ho]

I love your attitude and your plan! Too funny. Just be careful and don't get your heart out on your sleeve .... it may turn around on you.

[fleur_de_me]

OK- so he's IM'd me a few times in the last couple of days- nothing serious, just saying hi and him sharing some more articles he's been featured in and asking about how I'm doing.

 

Anyway- tonight he called, I was worried something might be wrong because he's only called once before. We actually chatted for a while this time, nothing super serious, although he kind of brought up the relationship a few times, but in very weird ways.

 

As I mentioned, I"m going to see him next week when I visit some other friends in NY. He was like "I just wanted to find out what your plans are, what time you arrive, and what your perfect day would be so I can make plans." He took off from work so we can spend a day hanging out together. He kept saying "I want to spend as much time with you as I can and really take advantage of the time you're here- tell me what you want to do."

 

I pretty much played it cool and was like- yeah, I'm seeing other friends and stuff, but we can hang out during the day, maybe go for lunch. He wanted to see me the day before we had made plans, but I said I was busy seeing other people.

 

Then he was like "why don't you just stay here? You can come as late as you want, whenever you're done hanging out with your other friends. My place is your place too, I can sleep on the couch if that makes you more comfortable." And I kept saying that I didn't think it was a good idea. Finally he left it saying "I don't want to pressure you, but I really want you to stay, so think about it." I was like "yeah, OK."

 

So he's telling me this, and then at the same time, sprinkled a few times throughout the conversation he would say things like "yeah, it is good to be single, I don't have to worry about someone else," or "don't worry, I'm not seeing anyone, your the only girl I've ever called my girlfriend" (since his divorce 3 years ago).

 

Very weird mixed signals. And he also asked me if I'm seeing someone- I was like, not really your business.

 

I don't know how to handle this now!! I've already told myself I'm not going to give in, even though I really want to. Please tell me I'm doing the right thing!!

 

Ugh, I don't get him at all.

[Don Ho]

Seems obvious to me, he's buttering you up just enough so he can use you as a Booty Call when you're in town. Free, no strings sex! Every guys' dream, right?

[fleur_de_me]

ugh- that's a sad thought to think i've been reduced to merely a potential booty call. i'm going to stick with the original "look hot, be cool, don't sleep with him" plan, but it is still frustrating!!

 

do you think i should string his hopes along though? like, don't say a definitive no until i get there? i kind of want him to fantasize about it and then not get it, hahaha....

 

am i being cruel? whatever, he kind of deserves to suffer a bit

[Don Ho]

ugh- that's a sad thought to think i've been reduced to merely a potential booty call. i'm going to stick with the original "look hot, be cool, don't sleep with him" plan, but it is still frustrating!! do you think i should string his hopes along though? like, don't say a definitive no until i get there? i kind of want him to fantasize about it and then not get it, hahaha....am i being cruel? whatever, he kind of deserves to suffer a bit

I'm always up for a little payback, but that's just me!

[fleur_de_me]

So, I think things worked out just as terribly as humanly possible!!!

 

We met up Tuesday for a quick tea/coffee- I looked amazing, he commented several times about how great/sexy I looked. We chatted for about an hour, he showed me a bunch of pictures on his phone to emphasize what an awesome time he's been having the last few months without me. He asked me to spend the night, I told him I had plans to go out with friends that night and that there was no way I was going to hook up with him. He said he just wants to spend time and talk, and I was like- we'll see.

 

He texted 100 times throughout the evening, asking me to come to his place when I was done. Finally, around midnight, I said fine, but he'd have to come pick me up, so he drove an hour into the city to get me.

 

We chatted a bit in the car- awkwardly- he kept bringing up the relationship/break-up, but then justifying why it was a good idea and how much better life is as a single guy. I kept trying not to go down that road.

 

Got to his place- he said he'd sleep on the couch but hung out in his room trying to hook up with me. I shot him down and wouldn't let him touch or kiss me, it was great, but we ended up sleeping in the same bed (just sleeping).

 

Spent the whole day together on Wednesday- he kept saying stupid stuff about how much he loves being single and that he hates the stress of being in a relationship. I kept trying to ignore it but it was hurtful. We went to lunch and dinner, and he tried to hook up with me again that afternoon, but I shot him down. He was going crazy not being able to get a piece.

 

Then, Wed. night, tragedy struck and I got violently ill with some kind of food poisoning/stomach bug back at his place. I spent the night on his bathroom floor being really sick. He took off from work the next day to take care of me and take me to the doctor, he was really sweet to me and did everything to help me, but it made things weird. I missed my flight because I was sick so got stuck a few more days at his place. I'm pretty sure this is the worst thing that could happen. I went from being "cool, sexy and in control" to a complete hot mess, all pathetic and sick. And in a moment of being super sick and feeling sorry for myself, broke down and cried about my life being crap. Whoops.

 

On the upside, I guess now I know how he feels- that he loves being single, doesn't miss me at all, and now probably wishes he will never see me again. On the downside, this has been pretty much the worst few days of my life.

 

So yeah, back to square one, but at least now I know there is no hope for us.

[pandagirl]

So, I think things worked out just as terribly as humanly possible!!!

 

We met up Tuesday for a quick tea/coffee- I looked amazing, he commented several times about how great/sexy I looked. We chatted for about an hour, he showed me a bunch of pictures on his phone to emphasize what an awesome time he's been having the last few months without me. He asked me to spend the night, I told him I had plans to go out with friends that night and that there was no way I was going to hook up with him. He said he just wants to spend time and talk, and I was like- we'll see.

 

He texted 100 times throughout the evening, asking me to come to his place when I was done. Finally, around midnight, I said fine, but he'd have to come pick me up, so he drove an hour into the city to get me.

 

We chatted a bit in the car- awkwardly- he kept bringing up the relationship/break-up, but then justifying why it was a good idea and how much better life is as a single guy. I kept trying not to go down that road.

 

Got to his place- he said he'd sleep on the couch but hung out in his room trying to hook up with me. I shot him down and wouldn't let him touch or kiss me, it was great, but we ended up sleeping in the same bed (just sleeping).

 

Spent the whole day together on Wednesday- he kept saying stupid stuff about how much he loves being single and that he hates the stress of being in a relationship. I kept trying to ignore it but it was hurtful. We went to lunch and dinner, and he tried to hook up with me again that afternoon, but I shot him down. He was going crazy not being able to get a piece.

 

Then, Wed. night, tragedy struck and I got violently ill with some kind of food poisoning/stomach bug back at his place. I spent the night on his bathroom floor being really sick. He took off from work the next day to take care of me and take me to the doctor, he was really sweet to me and did everything to help me, but it made things weird. I missed my flight because I was sick so got stuck a few more days at his place. I'm pretty sure this is the worst thing that could happen. I went from being "cool, sexy and in control" to a complete hot mess, all pathetic and sick. And in a moment of being super sick and feeling sorry for myself, broke down and cried about my life being crap. Whoops.

 

On the upside, I guess now I know how he feels- that he loves being single, doesn't miss me at all, and now probably wishes he will never see me again. On the downside, this has been pretty much the worst few days of my life.

 

So yeah, back to square one, but at least now I know there is no hope for us.

 

1) You were sick! EVERY ONE feels sorry for themselves when they're sick! Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

2) And how do you know "he loves being single, doesn't miss me at all, and now probably wishes he will never see me again"? Is this just what you're telling yourself?

 

PS-the whole "i love being single!" statement seems pretty forced and lame to me, btw.

Edited October 15, 2010 by pandagirl

[fleur_de_me]

Hi Pandagirl-

 

Yeah, I did have a moment of weakness, but part of it was that I missed my flight for my ten year high school reunion and seeing all of my friends- something I'd been looking forward to for a long time. And then it just degenerated into a self-pity cry-fest for a few minutes. But in my defense, I have been really sick!

 

As for the whole no hope thing- he basically told me 15 times a day that he loves being single. For the most part, he had about 10 variations of this he's said so far. I can't really read him- he's been kind and sweet and there for me when I needed him, but he's also kept some emotional distance between us.

 

I think he needs more time-way more time- for whatever it is he is looking for, and there's not much I can do about it. It is sad and painful, but maybe necessary for me to see in order to move on.

 

On the plus side- his friends have all told me how much they love me and how stupid they think he is. Nice to know that even his boys are on my side But they also said he's messed up and doesn't know what he wants, and hopefully he'll get his head on straight but that I deserve better.

[fleur_de_me]

Quick update: On the drive to the airport this morning, the ex gave me a lecture about his friend who is going through a quasi-break up with a girl he loves, but who apparently doesn't love him.

 

He said to me "you shouldn't waste your love on someone who doesn't love you. If two people really love each other, nothing else matters, they can get through any problem, they both just have to want to fight for it."

 

He didn't say it pertained to us, but I think he was trying to emphasize the point that he clearly doesn't love me enough or he would fight for our relationship, even if I'm far away.

 

The bad part is it feels bad, the good part is that I feel like I have no hope left to cling to, so I'm actually ready to move on now.