husband cheated, should i stay?

[TigerCub]

Hey Devastated,

 

I'm very sorry for your hurt. Its a terrible thing to go through, I'm sure. I hope that you figure out what's best for you and have the strength to do it.

 

I'm not trying to add to your pain, but I highly suggest that you insist that you H switches jobs.

I've been the OW with a guy @ work, and you think that there isn't time for stuff to happen - since he goes home to you - that's not true.

Even though I've never had sex with my xMM, there was an A, it was emotional at first, then physical (to an extent).

 

If your H said that he did it for the rush - I think the fact that now you know and its even worse if he gets caught again - will give him more of that "It's so bad, we shouldn't be doing this" rush.

 

If he's seeing this woman at work (and you said they were friends for 4 years or so), its a safe bet that it all started as an emotional affair - and that's hard to break free of because so many emotions cloud everyone's judgment and if he's seeing her every day, it'll only be a matter of time before they can no longer fight the urge again and it starts with a kiss, and then goes from there.

 

I'm really sorry to be adding to your pain by telling you this - I just think you need to really know what its like on that side of the fence. If he sees her everyday, the chance of it starting up again is HUGE - and it doesn't matter how much he swears up and down to you that he's sorry and never will do it again.

 

I hope that he would be open to transferring jobs and cutting the OW off, if you 2 can work on your marital issues.

 

Also, I agree with BB that perhaps, the OW got a screwed up version of the story from your H, because that whole text where she asked you to get your H to call her, just makes no sense at all!

 

Best of luck to you

Edited October 8, 2010 by TigerCub

[worlybear]

Both of you need to find a MC that you are comfortable with , someone with a program or plan to help couples reconcile after infidelity.

 

Make it your H's responsibility to find a new MC. He needs to do the research and take the initiative.

 

I think that because you were social previously with OW , that she does owe you an apology. Since your H is still working with her I see NO reason that this cannot be conveyed to her.

Iwould be VERY surprised if OW attempted apologising to you, after all she knew he was your H and that it was cheating behaviour.

Walk right past her with your head held high and don't give her the satisfaction of enjoying the misery she has jointly caused.

Also ,its a BAD idea to use your H as a messenger from you to her as it gives him a valid reason to talk to her on a personal basis.

I understand your devestation and your desire to save your marriage and I personally think that it is positive that he wants to end things with her.

Have you tried counselling with marital specialists such as Relate?(u.k.)

If you're in the States I'm sure there must be similar programmes.

I wanted very much to save my marriage but sadly my STBXH wasn't interested. You have a lot of time and memories invested in your relationship and it seems that you may have a chance to save your marriage- IMO its worth a try.:bunny:

[devastated 2010]

I did try to call her and left a polite message. I wanted to get her side of the story, but she didnt call back. Things were going pretty good for us except the last couple weeks he seemed less interested in sex, actually its been more like a month. We still did it a coupe times a week, but seemed like he had a hard time cumming, keeping the erection and I had to initiate most every time, Which was Unusual. Used to be he got hard when the wind blows! Anyway, so tonight again I am trying to get him aroused and he says Im sorry Im not horney. bla bla. And I have to ask repeatingly whats going on.. Its a combo between he still works with her and sees her everyday and has feelings for her, although he says nothing inappropriate has happened since he broke it off with her. He is honest and says he is still attracted to her and has thoughts ect.. I say ..Do you see why you cant work together anymore? you cant have any contact with her at all in order for us to move on and be together. He is so messed up in the head over this stupid whore he cant even get a boner tonight. Im am so pissed at the moment. I want to hug him and tell him I understand and I love him cause I dont want him to run to her, but I also want to throttle him. Atleast I think he sees it now, that he or she has to quit/transfer something. So, I told him to make a counseling session with someone and decide who and what you want. I need a resolution to this. Am i doing the right thing? Should I leave or give him time or what?

[Spark1111]

I did try to call her and left a polite message. I wanted to get her side of the story, but she didnt call back. Things were going pretty good for us except the last couple weeks he seemed less interested in sex, actually its been more like a month. We still did it a coupe times a week, but seemed like he had a hard time cumming, keeping the erection and I had to initiate most every time, Which was Unusual. Used to be he got hard when the wind blows! Anyway, so tonight again I am trying to get him aroused and he says Im sorry Im not horney. bla bla. And I have to ask repeatingly whats going on.. Its a combo between he still works with her and sees her everyday and has feelings for her, although he says nothing inappropriate has happened since he broke it off with her. He is honest and says he is still attracted to her and has thoughts ect.. I say ..Do you see why you cant work together anymore? you cant have any contact with her at all in order for us to move on and be together. He is so messed up in the head over this stupid whore he cant even get a boner tonight. Im am so pissed at the moment. I want to hug him and tell him I understand and I love him cause I dont want him to run to her, but I also want to throttle him. Atleast I think he sees it now, that he or she has to quit/transfer something. So, I told him to make a counseling session with someone and decide who and what you want. I need a resolution to this. Am i doing the right thing? Should I leave or give him time or what?

 

D2010...There are few things more agonizing then seeing your WS mourn the loss of their AP.

 

Only you can decide how much you can take here.

 

I, personally, would make him leave until he resolves it all. I would back off and see what steps he takes to win you back! There is no way I would subject myself to a man in my bed who is impotent because he is missing another woman.

 

Don't you deserve better than that? Of course you do! Why torture yourself with all of this?

 

Tell him you deserve better: A man who passionately desires you in an emotionally committed relationship.

 

You hope it will still be him someday, but for now it is not and it is unfair to you because you loved him and were always faithful to him. Tell him you deserve that and intend to have that in your life, hopefully with him if possible, but also without.

 

Agree to meet him at counseling if he sets it up. But he has to do the heavy lifting from here on in. You are doing it all right now.

 

It is good he is remorseful, but continued contact with this OW at work will only spark his attraction to her. He needs to initiate NC and a change of job, not you.

 

Many will disagree with me, but I personally would separate during this time. Does your ego really need to withstand his going through withdrawal?

 

Because in time, if you do reconcile, that can be more damaging than actually discovering the affair itself!

[Snowflower]

[/b]

 

D2010...There are few things more agonizing then seeing your WS mourn the loss of their AP.

 

Only you can decide how much you can take here.

 

I, personally, would make him leave until he resolves it all. I would back off and see what steps he takes to win you back! There is no way I would subject myself to a man in my bed who is impotent because he is missing another woman.

 

Don't you deserve better than that? Of course you do! Why torture yourself with all of this?

 

Tell him you deserve better: A man who passionately desires you in an emotionally committed relationship.

 

You hope it will still be him someday, but for now it is not and it is unfair to you because you loved him and were always faithful to him. Tell him you deserve that and intend to have that in your life, hopefully with him if possible, but also without.

 

Agree to meet him at counseling if he sets it up. But he has to do the heavy lifting from here on in. You are doing it all right now.

 

It is good he is remorseful, but continued contact with this OW at work will only spark his attraction to her. He needs to initiate NC and a change of job, not you.

 

Many will disagree with me, but I personally would separate during this time. Does your ego really need to withstand his going through withdrawal?

 

Because in time, if you do reconcile, that can be more damaging than actually discovering the affair itself!

 

D2010, This is great advice from Spark; a very smart fBW.

 

I agree with what she said and suggest that you ask your H to leave. It sounds like you are trying so hard and trying to love him back into your marriage but he is the one who should be doing this.

 

It would have broken my heart if I had had to watch my H mourn the loss of another woman. I am positive that I would have not ultimately been able to reconcile with him had this happened. And I don't think that you will be very different, D2010. As women, we put such emphasis on emotional bonds (as we should ) that it just adds to the betrayal, especially when we watch our husbands mourn for their OW first hand as you seem to be doing.

 

Please tell your H to go. It's kind of like that cliche, "if you love something, let it go..." It's so true in cases like this.

 

Otherwise, I'm worried that even if he does eventually pull out of his funk, the emotional damage to you will be so great that your marriage will never fully recover. It's hard enough to work through infidelity, please don't make it harder on yourself.

 

Tell him to leave (you don't have to be a raging witch about it-just be matter of fact and firm) and tell him to get his head on straight-THEN you'll talk.

 

You might need this alone time, too.

 

(((hugs)))

[Minnie09]

Absolutely agree with Spark.

You can't live under the same roof with somebody who is longing for somebody else. That's just too much pain right there. Stand up for yourself. You have no kids with this man. Let him go and miss you. He'll never be able to figure out what he lost if he doesn't have to suffer any loss.

[dreamingoftigers]

He can't get an erection because they are screwing. Plain and simple. Sorry it hurts, but really that's what they are doing. In general guys don't get tht wrapped up emotionally if they aren't anyways. Let me tell you something, any of the cheaters I know minimize to hell and back, not the first time I have heard the "kissing" thing. He is not away from this yet, by far. That's also part of why she isn't calling you back. You can just imagine what he told her.

 

I could not believe my husband was a cheater. One day I found out and he minimized too. It was like he became a completely different person. It actually felt like he died the day he started cheating. Now I live with this stranger who looks just like him, almost like being haunted. But hun, it's him, it's who he is and what he is doing.

 

He is being far more physical than what he is making it out to be no question. No question at all. Ask for a polygraph if need be.

[devastated 2010]

Well, you were right. Yesterday we both stayed home from work. I told him it was messing him up to still work with her and he finally agreed. He called his boss and told him he couldnt work with her anymore. So I was relieved and felt good about that, but today he finally admitted the truth. That after he supposedly ended it 4 months ago. They have continued to have an affair. AND he has screwed her. So, here we are. He is wanting me to give him another chance and make it up to me. He agreed to NO contact and wrote and sent her a letter I approved. She put in her 2 week notice supposedly. She texted him that before he sent the letter. So, now maybe I have the whole truth BUT I am also feeling more betrayed, hopeless and devastated than ever. So mad, and I dont know how to vent the sheer rage I feel for his lies and all the things he is telling me that went on. How does anyone ever get through this? He broke it off with her and then she went right on sending him newd pictures of her and trying to get him back and he did and im soooo sick. Please help.

[GorillaTheater]

today he finally admitted the truth. That after he supposedly ended it 4 months ago. They have continued to have an affair. AND he has screwed her. So, here we are. He is wanting me to give him another chance and make it up to me. He agreed to NO contact and wrote and sent her a letter I approved. She put in her 2 week notice supposedly. She texted him that before he sent the letter. So, now maybe I have the whole truth BUT I am also feeling more betrayed, hopeless and devastated than ever. So mad, and I dont know how to vent the sheer rage I feel for his lies and all the things he is telling me that went on. How does anyone ever get through this? He broke it off with her and then she went right on sending him newd pictures of her and trying to get him back and he did and im soooo sick. Please help.

 

I'm very sorry. Right now you're in the whirlwind and probably feeling like you're going out of your mind. I don't think anyone would blame you for pulling the plug on your marriage, I sure wouldn't. But you may want to give yourself some time to digest this. I'm not sure the best thing to so is to make major decisions while you're still in the whirlwind. Take time to reach a calmer place and decide at that point whether you want to work on the marriage or seek a divorce.

[dreamingoftigers]

Make NO sudden moves. Read, research, talk to friends, counselors etc. make no sudden moves and weigh out each of your options. He is not part of this equation right now. There will be parts of you that still love him and feel empathy for him and there will be parts of you that just want him to **** off.

 

Don't go too far with a final decision until the turbulence has died down.

 

Btw, what a dick.

[BB07]

I'm sorry to read your update D2010, that's sad news.

You are getting some good advice from the BS's here so hang on to that.

 

I don't have much to offer other than this......as a former OW (unknowing) I'd venture a guess that your hubby has lied to the OW a lot and that is why she feels that she can't talk to you, she probably feels as if she is protecting him from you. She has probably been told that he is going to leave and more than likely has been told of his feelings for her. She has probably been told a lot of half truths and exaggerations about you in order to put you in a bad light so he could feel justified in having the affair. Sadly she feels loyalty to him and that is why she is not talking to you.

 

My POV comes from actually talking to the BS in my situation and the lies we both were told were mind boggling. This from a man who lied about being separated for almost two years.

 

I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time.

[FanFan]

The lesson to others is that there is virtually almost never an emotional affair with someone they work with, especially if they spend any alone time together,including lunch, happy hours, etc.

 

It takes 30 minutes to an hour before work, after work, OR during lunch to get a quicky at her place, a local motel, or in a car. "We only kissed" is almost always a lie. Wake up!

[kuma]

IMO, everybody deserves a 2nd chance. But do WS deserve a 3rd chance? I'm not sure. I agree with others you should tell him to leave. If he can't keep his word, you'll have to move on and get him out of your life. Because you deserve better. I'm so sorry what you're going through. ((hugs))

[2sunny]

Well, you were right. Yesterday we both stayed home from work. I told him it was messing him up to still work with her and he finally agreed. He called his boss and told him he couldnt work with her anymore. So I was relieved and felt good about that, but today he finally admitted the truth. That after he supposedly ended it 4 months ago. They have continued to have an affair. AND he has screwed her. So, here we are. He is wanting me to give him another chance and make it up to me. He agreed to NO contact and wrote and sent her a letter I approved. She put in her 2 week notice supposedly. She texted him that before he sent the letter. So, now maybe I have the whole truth BUT I am also feeling more betrayed, hopeless and devastated than ever. So mad, and I dont know how to vent the sheer rage I feel for his lies and all the things he is telling me that went on. How does anyone ever get through this? He broke it off with her and then she went right on sending him newd pictures of her and trying to get him back and he did and im soooo sick. Please help.

 

well i'm not surprised they had sex. he has done all this lying and cover up at your expense and you stay? there is no reason to stay until HE finds out through counseling WHY HE cheated on the woman he claimed to love, and what HE intends to do about it.

 

he also needs to have time on his own to accomplish that and find out how to repair the damage HE created IF he intends to stay married.

 

YOU need to take care of YOU.

 

if it were me... i'd leave. at least for a long while. he will ride an emotional roller coaster while he gets help - IF he gets help. what he DOES (action) about it all is something HE needs to take action on - not you. if he doesn't - then he doesn't intend to get well.

 

he can get a new job all he wants - sounds like she might be willing to follow him.

 

i'd call her a$$ up and rip her a new a hole! speak your truth! have a voice!

 

tell your H too!

 

you have no M at this stage - he's a liar and a cheat. he lies about his lies. he cheated you of intimacy and sex. and he did it with INTENT! THAT is why he needs to leave and leave NOW. he was cheating long before he admitted anything because he purposely stayed attached to her - even IF emotionally - when YOU pointed out that it hurt you... he still continued at that point knowing it was hurtful. that is NOT loving behavior in any marriage. he is simply selfish and self serving. is that the man you want to be married to?

 

he's NOT the man you THOUGHT he could be. that man no longer exists.

 

kick him out. make him uncomfortable! move your money. make him feel the pain of what he made a conscious decision to do - over and over and over again. he lied to shut you up - and continued on with her - claiming he couldn't get hard = because he was boinking her and couldn't get it up for you because he felt guilty!

 

he needs SERIOUS consequences that show him what a mess HE consciously created.

 

be grateful you don't have kids. get tested for STD's. most of all - be good to yourself... i'm sorry for your pain. i know it well... i chose divorce after 20 years of marriage. i wanted my power back... it wasn't the first time, i was stupid to go back after the ten year mark of his cheating... he never took the action to repair things and i forgave too easily. i had a boundary though - "you cheat again, and i'm leaving and taking everything."

 

i had HIM leave, changed the locks while he was away with his OW. when he was on his way home - i told him not to bother coming home. it felt like i was free from the lies and betrayal at last.

[devastated 2010]

All your letters make a lot of sense. I know I should make him leave and see what he does, but for some sick reason.. It's like a crack addiction. To be with him since I was 17 years old ( 20 years) to make him go away is agonizing even though I want to choke him. He just keeps hugging me and crying and saying how sorry he is and how much he loves me and how hes going to do everything to change. He went to his Doctor and got STD checked. Blood test and everything. Also on an antidepressant. He called his employee assistance program and talked to a couselor is says he is going to go and find out why he is so fu'd up. Ofcourse I tell him all these words are great but your actions will be what works. I cant believe a word that comes out of his mouth apparently. I am miserable with him but I know I would be tortured if I made him leave too.. Wondering what is he doing. Is he calling her...so on. She apparently gave her notice to leave in December when her apt lease is up and hopefully that means she is moving also. He agreed willingly and realizes the importantance of no contact so he will not go back to work until she is gone. I have a surgery on my heel next week where I will be non weight bearing for atleast a couple weeks and he wants to take care of me during that. I read a book called Surviving an Affair By Dr Harley and it is great. I read it a week ago before this last incident and I had so much hope for us.. Then he started reading it and recognized himself and everything the Dr was saying about how its impossible to trully end an affar without no contact. Thats why he told me everything and initiated the steps to NC. Im still really confused though as it is so fresh. HE comforts me by holding me and we wipe eachothers tears but I havent even told my family because I think.1. My brother may beat the **** out of him. (which he deserves) 2. They will try and make me leave and Im not sure still. Im so WEAK! I never wanted to be that girl, feeling so pathetic to stay with a man that would do this. BUt besides this, honestly our relationship was good. We do everything together. He cheated on me on the lunch breaks and at their work. THe only time we arent together. If I didnt want to rot in hell, I would just off myself. This is horrible. Sorry for this long vent and I appreciate you all so much.

[yoga18]

You are not pathetic you have been with this man for a very long time. I know first hand how you feel. Cheating is so gut wrenching you wonder how you will ever breath again. However, you have to stop allowing the excuses. HE cheated! I'm finding it hard to believe that the only time he couldn't behave was during work several hours a day he can't keep it together? I believe that he should move out, he needs to work his way into your life again! You may think you NEED him but this is where you NEED yourself! You need to find you! Its important to work on you so that should he come back into your life he has worked for it and that he's an addition to your life NOT a completion. I wish you lots of luck but I fear that if you don't stand your ground now this WILL happen again. Think about it, you said you guys were so happy imagine if you guys hit a rough patch what he's capable of?

[stillafool]

I don't have much to offer other than I am sorry for your situation. I think the OW is a coward to not call you back. I would have confronted her. There's no way she would have had a "second go" at it without fear. She was your friend as well wasn't she? You should have set her straight and still should IMHO.

[devastated 2010]

I ended up emailing her a letter where I finally told her (OW) everything on my mind and that feels good to have atleast vented in that way. I dont expect anything in response, but I got a little satisfaction. We met with my brother last night and told him everything. He pushed my husband around a bit (no punching) and we all had a good talk. Ofcourse, my husband told us his plan to win my love and trust back and how sorry he is and all the other promises. So from here I am just going to let actions speak louder than his lies. I told him the ball is in his court if he wants to save us, because I did all the trying the last 4 months. I have a counseling appt. this morning for myself and hopefully will get some help.

 

Thanks