husband cheated, should i stay?

[devastated 2010]

I have been married for 16 years to a man I thought was my best friend and soul mate. I thought everything was good between us. We enjoyed spending all our free time together. Golfing, movies, playing poker, camping. I thought we had everything except a child, I have PCOS and have had a miscarriage but no children. This has been a source of grief for both of us, but besides that I thought things were good. We love eachothers families and spend a lot of time with both sides.

He has worked for the same company for many years. He has worked with the same lady there for 4 years. They became good friends at work, going to lunch almost daily together. Sometimes with others and sometimes just them. This bothered me and I told him that I didnt think it was a good idea because I believe you shouldnt put yourself in situations like that where you could be tempted to cheat and develop a personal relationship with someone of the opposite sex who you coulod be attracted to. Plus it doesnt look good to employees.. rumors ect. He reassured me repeatingly that nothing would ever happen. She was also married and we went out with them several times on weekends ect.. I met them for lunch occasionally. I tried not to be the jealous, insecure wife even though it bugged me. I am also hurt that he disregarded my feelings about it, even though I told him all this several times.

3 months ago I felt a sudden distance between us. He was not outwardly cold but not affectionate, not trying to have sex, (I was on my period so I thought maybe that was why). He said he was going to the store on a sunday morning to get a snack and came back a couple hours later, which is so out of character and I knew something was seriously wrong. When he came back I asked him what aren't you telling me? He confessed that he had been having an affair with her for the past week and a half, kissing and groping. NO sex yet. They had been flirting at work, her especially telling him what she was going to do to him ect.. Her and her hubby got seperated a few months before that, so ofcourse she was crying on his shoulder about that too and he felt sorry for her. We both did as we continued to do stuff with her and her 2 kids outside of work. So I considered her a friend.

He said he was pushing me away because he couldnt stand the guilt and seeing me so upset when he told me made him realize how much he loved me. He has apologized a lot since then. He called her and told her what they did was wrong and he loves me and broke it off with her, but they work right next to eachother every day. This eats me alive. Plus I am so hurt and miserable still. I dont think I can forgive him, but I also cant picture my life without him. I love him still so much. We tried a couple counseling sessions but the guy was not great and we havent gone back. I have so much anger toward both of them. She hasnt even emailed, texted, or called to say she was sorry to me. I guess I cant expect someone who would do that to apologize but it would be nice to not have so much hate toward her if I thought she was even sorry for ruining my life after I was a friend to her.

Im so miserable. It has been hard to concentrate or think of anything else for 3 months now. How can I get past this? With them working together and no they cant transfer or quit becuase we all need money and there's not a lot of good jobs out there with good benefits and everything. Should I even keep trying? Yes my heart loves him, but if I cant trust him and I cant stop thinking about him cheating on me. Will I just be miserable for the rest of my life with him? OR maybe he's going to change his mind and get back with her. Obviously he is attracted to her and although they dont go out to lunch anymore and he says it is totally professional now, the temptation is still there! Ugh, how do I get past this ? Im driving myself crazy.. Sorry so long. Thankyou for any constructive advice.

[lumenus]

No kids? I would divorce him. Most likely they did more than kiss.

[devastated 2010]

just wanted to add.. when I asked him how/why he did this to us. He said it was nothing I did wrong. Just that it was exciting and nice to have someone else want him. Guess he was having low self esteem and needed a boost or having a mid life crisis at 39. So in a way, that makes it worse. If there's nothing I can do to change then how will this not happen again? I also told him to get couseling and maybe an antidepressant so far he hasnt. Even though he agreed.

[Mad Max]

Leave him. He made a conscious decision to betray you. He betrayed you, hurt others in addition to you, and put your health at risk. He did it once, there's nothing stopping him from doing it again.

[whichwayisup]

Tell her husband. Four eyes are better than two.

 

If he isn't willing to quit his job or transfer somewhere else, and he is still seeing her, then what is the point of even trying to fix your marriage. He's in a fog, an affair fog and isn't thinking. Well, he is, but only of himself.

 

You have done nothing wrong, this affair is about him, not you. Something is missing inside of him to do this.. He made a selfish and stupid choice to go and cheat, he allowed himself to get close to another woman and your worst fear happened.

 

I say kick him out of the house since he isn't willing to end the A or quit his job. Let him suffer the consquences of his actions and choices. Dont' bother talking to him until he's ready to show you genuine remorse (but don't let him know this, let him think that you're done completely, even if you aren't) it'll just be a waste of your time.

 

Sorry you're hurting.

[SpillinItAll]

can he try to change jobs? You have no kids so is moving an option you would entertain?

[whichwayisup]

just wanted to add.. when I asked him how/why he did this to us. He said it was nothing I did wrong. Just that it was exciting and nice to have someone else want him. Guess he was having low self esteem and needed a boost or having a mid life crisis at 39. So in a way, that makes it worse. If there's nothing I can do to change then how will this not happen again? I also told him to get couseling and maybe an antidepressant so far he hasnt. Even though he agreed.

 

Ok, until he shows you in ACTION that can change (getting help, marriage counseling with you and apart, but use the same person) he is still not the husband you thought he once was.

 

Atleast he owned it. It was purely selfish and self serving, though I hope he knows that he's ruined your blind trust and faith in him. That will never come back 100%, but in time (if you both, especially him) are willing to work together to fix things.

 

Consider telling the coworker's husband. Tell your H that you two will survive, that he quit his job and find something else. the marriage doesn't have a chance to heal or get better if they still work together.

[turnstone]

Tell her husband. Four eyes are better than two.

Yes, I second this. Even if they are separated (did I get that right?) affairs can't exist when they are fully exposed.

 

I say kick him out of the house since he isn't willing to end the A or quit his job. Let him suffer the consquences of his actions and choices. Dont' bother talking to him until he's ready to show you genuine remorse (but don't let him know this, let him think that you're done completely, even if you aren't) it'll just be a waste of your time.

 

Sorry you're hurting.

This too. Its very important that he has a consequence for what he's chosen to do. Allowing him to stay with you merely tells him its ok for him to have an affair. Infact, it does more than that, it demonstrates that you're not worthy enough to not cheat on. Even though it should be automatic that you're good enough as you're his wife, it needs reinforcing once cheating has occurred.

 

You both can't get through this alone, I firmly believe couples in this situation can only benefit from professional help. Just because one counselor didn't help, doesn't mean someone else can't, you just have to find them, ask around.

 

First off though, get him out of your home. And don't worry about where he will go, that's not important in the long term. Although if you worry he may go to her you could tell him that if he does, he can forget you ever existed.

 

Then go and get your hair done and buy a pretty dress. You'll need to be really strong at this time and resolute that you are more than good enough to be treated with respect.

[devastated 2010]

Her and her husband seperated a few months before this happened. He went to a treatment program, then moved to another state with a another woman, so I dont think he gives a crap what she does. I dont think he even visits his 2 year old son with her.

 

My husband broke it off with her and says he hates himself for what he did. Says how sorry he is and how much he loves me. He swears they never had sex. I have always made it clear though that if he ever cheated on me, I would leave him. The only reason Im trying is that I do believe him when he says it didnt go that far. He says he was clouded...

 

Im seeing that most people say to kick him out or divorce, but I have been with him since I was 17 years old! And things have been good up until this point. This is just so hard.

[BB07]

I'm sorry you are in such pain and it's not hopeless, read around here, there are some people who have had successful reconciliations.

 

There are some really good people who will come in and give you some good advice if you want to save your marriage, so be patient and hang on and if the posts that offer nothing more than say get a divorce, just file 13 them since you shouldn't be making any rash decisions now.

 

Also there are other sites out there that might help you too. Try google with saving your marriage after an affair.

 

Good luck!

[whichwayisup]

You want him and the marriage, then fight for it. Keep in mind that you have to be the bigger and stronger person.. And for that, it makes a betrayed spouse special. Just know though, that he if takes advantage of your heart, your willingness to want to work it out, then you need to reconsider your options..

 

Make it clear to him that NC is a must. If you want, talk to this woman, but only when you're ready..since she did befriend you.. Question is, could you trust her, believe her? She may tell you things that you aren't ready to hear.

 

Right now he's in desparation mode. The truth may still be out there..He's doing damage control and minimizing details and truths so you won't feel more hurt and most of all, so he won't have to own up for 'everything' he's done. He probably feels he's given you enough info, but if the marriage has a chance to get better, he has to come clean about everything, even if it hurts you.

[turnstone]

Her and her husband seperated a few months before this happened. He went to a treatment program, then moved to another state with a another woman, so I dont think he gives a crap what she does. I dont think he even visits his 2 year old son with her.

 

My husband broke it off with her and says he hates himself for what he did. Says how sorry he is and how much he loves me. He swears they never had sex. I have always made it clear though that if he ever cheated on me, I would leave him. The only reason Im trying is that I do believe him when he says it didnt go that far. He says he was clouded...

 

Im seeing that most people say to kick him out or divorce, but I have been with him since I was 17 years old! And things have been good up until this point. This is just so hard.

 

I'm disappointed that BB07 has basically told you that WWIU and my advice is worth ***** with her comment to wait for people who know what they're talking about to post. Its seems to me that if the BS gives her WS a consequence by making him leave the marital home, it makes the affair fog disappear a lot quicker and brings the WS to their senses.

 

I, and I'm sure WWIU, am not advocating divorce, but we are saying that demonstrating your standards to your WS is essential. By insisting on him leaving also gives you the space and time to get your thoughts together and your ducks lined up, whether that be MC or whatever. It'll also give him the opportunity to miss you and his marriage, a very good thing at this stage.

 

It seems that you're not actually at the point of being able to grasp control of this situation and that's very understandable given your's and your husband's history, but please bear in mind that enforced separation by the BS has very good results.

[BB07]

I'm disappointed that BB07 has basically told you that WWIU and my advice is worth ***** with her comment to wait for people who know what they're talking about to post. Its seems to me that if the BS gives her WS a consequence by making him leave the marital home, it makes the affair fog disappear a lot quicker and brings the WS to their senses.

 

I, and I'm sure WWIU, is not advocating divorce, but we are saying that demonstrating your standards to your WS is essential. By insisting on him leaving will also give you the space and time to get your thoughts together and your ducks lined up, whether that be MC or whatever. It'll also give him the opportunity to miss you and his marriage, a very good thing at this stage.

 

It seems that you're not actually at the point of being able to grasp control of this situation and that's very understandable given your's and your husband's history, but please bear in mind that enforced separation by the BS has very good results.

 

Whoa.........I was not talking about your and WWIU's posts......sorry I didn't make that clear enough. I was referring to the one line comments that offer no advice other than divorce him. I'm not discrediting you two at all and I'm sorry that you thought that. Carry on.......and I think you two do a fine job. Also when I was writing mine I hadn't saw all the posts.

[Snowflower]

Hi devastated, welcome to LS although I am sorry it is under such horrible circumstances. :(

 

I had that horrible experience 2 years ago when I found out my husband had cheated on me. My experience is the same but different from yours, as everyone's is.

 

I agree with BB07 and some of the others, ignore the one-liner responses of "go get a divorce." It's much more complicated than that for you, at least right now and it's your life and your marriage. Like BB07 said, file 13 those. They are not what you need to hear right now.

 

How do you feel about separating from your husband? There are good reasons to do it (and not to do it), depending on your situation. However, don't separate with the idea that it will somehow manipulate your husband into missing you or realize what he is losing.

 

IMO, you need to separate (if you decide to do this) with YOUR NEEDS in mind. That is, use the separation to decide what YOU want and please don't use separated time just waiting on your husband to decide. Because frankly, he is completely messed up in the head right now. Don't wait for him or allow him to dictate what YOU should do...even by showing him what life would like without you. He needs to come to the conclusion by himself and you need to decide what you want to do. The separation will make this clearer for you. At this point, you shouldn't be concerned with what your husband is thinking. Hope that makes sense?

 

Keep posting here! There are some great LS regulars who can give you great advice...more than the one-line "dump his cheating butt" posts. If you decide to dump him, great! If you decide to work with him to save your marriage, great! But only after you take the time to decide what is best for you.

[2sure]

Both of you need to find a MC that you are comfortable with , someone with a program or plan to help couples reconcile after infidelity.

 

Make it your H's responsibility to find a new MC. He needs to do the research and take the initiative.

 

I think that because you were social previously with OW , that she does owe you an apology. Since your H is still working with her I see NO reason that this cannot be conveyed to her.

[young&inlove]

I wanted to give you some good advice that was given to me when my hubs cheated on me back in January.

 

[COLOR=#800080]http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t218087/[/COLOR]

 

That is my post from a long time ago. The very first reply was from sacg. His advice meant so much to me and really helped me.

 

My hubs cheated on my almost 10 months ago. I wont lie to you it was the HARDEST decision I have ever had to make in my life. Do I go or do I stay? I choose to stay. We have our good days and we have our bad days.

 

I know you will make the right decision for you and your situation.

[devastated 2010]

Thanks, I read your post. Atleast she wasnt my best friend like your situation, so both your best friends betray you. That must have been horrible.

 

I agree with everyone that we need to go back to couples counseling and probably individually too.

 

Some people have said I should contact the OW. Believe me, I have written her plenty but have never sent it. I have so much hate for her. I want to punch her in the face. If she just showed some remorse I could atleast erase the rage, I think. I might even feel sorry enough for her to start to forgive, but the only contact I have had with her.. was the day after he broke it off with her.. She kept calling and calling us, then texted MY cell phone.. to please have (MY husband) call her cause she needed a friend! Can you believe the balls on this chick?

 

I would like to know what she would say if I asked her if they had sex. He says NO. Do you think I should text or email her? Or just let it go or tell her off or what? I have tried to be a classy lady, but it feels unresolved. If I ran into her I dont know what I would do. I just dont know whats appropriate or if that would even help or hurt things. Any experience with this?

 

BTW , dont get me wrong. I blame them both. I want to punch him too, But atleast he shows remorse, apologizes.. ect.. Havent heard sh.. from her.

[BB07]

Some people have said I should contact the OW. Believe me, I have written her plenty but have never sent it. I have so much hate for her. I want to punch her in the face. If she just showed some remorse I could atleast erase the rage, I think. I might even feel sorry enough for her to start to forgive, but the only contact I have had with her.. was the day after he broke it off with her.. She kept calling and calling us, then texted MY cell phone.. to please have (MY husband) call her cause she needed a friend! Can you believe the balls on this chick?

 

I would like to know what she would say if I asked her if they had sex. He says NO. Do you think I should text or email her? Or just let it go or tell her off or what? I have tried to be a classy lady, but it feels unresolved. If I ran into her I dont know what I would do. I just dont know whats appropriate or if that would even help or hurt things. Any experience with this?

 

BTW , dont get me wrong. I blame them both. I want to punch him too, But atleast he shows remorse, apologizes.. ect.. Havent heard sh.. from her.

 

I wanted to speak to the part of your post that I bolded above. I know you are already wondering if there is more to the story than your husband told you and I'm sorry to give you more doubt, but that part above makes me think there is more to it than what you know. My point of view comes from being a former OW and no I didn't walk into it saying yeah sure I'll be the OW. It's a long story and I won't bore you with the details but he lied, A LOT, especially concerning his marital status. I'd even suggest you call her up, of course you might not get the real story, but yet on the other hand you might, but also you need to be sure that you are ready to deal with what she might tell you. When the bs and I starting talking in my situation, I answered everything she asked me honestly and with no reservations. I owed her that much and it sure was an eye opener for me as to the depth and lengths he went to deceive me and her.

 

I wish you all the best.

[devastated 2010]

Ugh, Im thinking about what you said. Maybe I have been putting off calling or texting her because im scared of what she might say, but then could I trust what she says anyway? I dont know.

 

I already knew they were good friends at work for the last couple years so in that way he was kind of emotionally cheating, but I guess that depends on if a man and woman can be friends and if thats ok.

 

He tells me they only became physical for 1 1/2 weeks and never slept together/ had sex. He came home to me every night so it would have had to been a lunch quickie. I guess I do need to call her and see if she wants to tell me anything more. The thought of it makes me want to puke, but I guess its better to know the truth and how bad it really is or isnt . He tells me that she was telling him that she loved him and never felt that way before, but that he felt very uncomfortable about it and that he could never give her a reason why he was cheating on me with her in the first place.

 

I dont know. I should call her ass right now why they are at work. Im so confused and miserable and mad and sad. I just want to die. Now, Im just blabbing on. Thanks for everyones support anyway.

[crazedteacher]

I want to say that I am so sorry for what you are going through. My husband had an affair for 8 months right under my nose. I even asked him flat out and he ignored it and when I found pictures he admitted that he met a woman online and had sex with her over an 8 month period. I chose 2 stay but many days regret it. If we hadn't have had a daughter I don't think I would have stayed. I don't think that is a question anyone else can answer for you. At least he came clean on his own and siad that it is over. If you love him, and want to make it work then go for it. But I will tell you it is very hard to get past infidelity. But, I wish you all the best and please keep us posted.

[devastated 2010]

i tried, was even polite. left her a message. no call back.

[nayeli_forever]

I wouldn't call the OW because when it comes down to it, the person you should be having these discussions with is your husband. Involving her will just add to the confusion.

[BB07]

i tried, was even polite. left her a message. no call back.

 

She may have misplaced loyalty toward your hubby and doesn't want to rat him out.

 

If I were you, I'd try again, maybe hide your # and hope that she would answer. Of course you are going to have to be polite and I know that is going to be hard, but if you can get by the first initial few minutes you might get your answers.

[newlife2010]

Speaking from the point of view of the OW (for many years) I can tell you that I too feel that I was lied to (because I was). I was at first told he was separated, when he wasn't (which is the only reason I got involved to start with). By the time I found out differently I had fallen for him hard. He had what seemed to be good reasons. Then it was... "Yes, I'm going to leave my marriage" and lots of 'facts' about his wife and marriage. I don't know what was ever true. I just know what I was told.

 

I feel sorry for what happened with his wife (she knows), but I have gone back and forth about contacting her. I was told she wasn't an issue, by my MM. So now I am supposed to contact her and be remorseful, when I didn't KNOW??

 

I actually called her to talk to her about this after their D-Day, and I did apologize to her. She yelled threats at me. It was a mistake.

 

I'm just pointing this out because it's not always black and white. The OW does not always get the honest story.

[love4me2c]

I've been both the BS and the WS. I say this because I had 2 RAs after the discovery of my husband's affair. Frankly, I am not an affair person. I was hurt and am still hurt and it caused me to do outrageous things. I realized for me to stop my outrageous behavior and my hurt, I need to leave my marriage. I don't know what the future holds. I may take this year separation and realize it is time to move on to bigger and better things. I don't really know. All I know is it was making me crazy, staying there any longer.

 

Bottom line, there are those who can stay and those who can't. You'll just have to figure out what kind of person you are and whether or not you can live with what was done. Only you know that for sure.