RedCherries Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 I have been seeing a guy for a couple of months and a routine has been established that I'm not very fond of. Basically, we spend ALL weekend together, and then he ignores me all week. Then Friday he'll call me and ask me to hang out and we'll do the whole thing all over again. At first I was okay with it because I didn't want anything serious, but now it's starting to bug me. When I say ignore, I mean literally he'll maybe text me twice, max, during the whole week, and it's usually something really silly like a link to an article he wants me to read or some movie he wants to see. If I try to text him, I get nothing. No response. When we're together we act like a couple, we hold hands, we cuddle, he calls me sweet pet names, etc. Is he just lonely on weekends and since I'm always available he's just using me as a weekend lover? Not sure what to think. Should I get rid of this guy before it leads to me getting hurt? I am really starting to like him a lot and keep wanting more.
FL Lady Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 Major red flags. (1) lack of communication. (2) lack of respect. Lastly(3)is he married, attached? Women and men only behave this way if he/she is hiding something.
Author RedCherries Posted September 29, 2010 Author Posted September 29, 2010 He's definitely not married. We're friends on facebook so I see his friend's comments and stuff, and we always spend the weeked at his place. He has a male roommate and I'm pretty sure I'd know if he was married, right? A guy is usually bad at hiding signs of other women haha.
2sunny Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 simply tell him it's not working for you the way he ignores you all week then picks up like nothing's wrong. i'd be pissed if a man ignored me all week then played lovey on the weekend - like two different people. he makes no effort - then why are you rewarding his bad behavior by seeing him all weekend - every weekend? if he just wants weekend sex- maybe he should pay for it. other than that he will do it as long as YOU allow him to. so stop allowing it. we train people how to treat us. you have trained him that he needs to make no effort in order to have free sex with you. free meaning no effort when he doesn't want to = all week long. that's bogus. start changing things and start expecting more for yourself.
atlnay Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 I have been seeing a guy for a couple of months and a routine has been established that I'm not very fond of. Basically, we spend ALL weekend together, and then he ignores me all week. Then Friday he'll call me and ask me to hang out and we'll do the whole thing all over again. At first I was okay with it because I didn't want anything serious, but now it's starting to bug me. When I say ignore, I mean literally he'll maybe text me twice, max, during the whole week, and it's usually something really silly like a link to an article he wants me to read or some movie he wants to see. If I try to text him, I get nothing. No response. When we're together we act like a couple, we hold hands, we cuddle, he calls me sweet pet names, etc. Is he just lonely on weekends and since I'm always available he's just using me as a weekend lover? Not sure what to think. Should I get rid of this guy before it leads to me getting hurt? I am really starting to like him a lot and keep wanting more. OP, at any point in the last couple of months have you two had the talk of where each others feelings are? If not, this sounds more like you changed and he is still the same guy. Clue him in on how you are feeling is a nice start Good luck!
atlnay Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 When I say ignore, I mean literally he'll maybe text me twice, max, during the whole week, and it's usually something really silly like a link to an article he wants me to read or some movie he wants to see. If I try to text him, I get nothing. No response. When we're together we act like a couple, we hold hands, we cuddle, he calls me sweet pet names, etc. Is he just lonely on weekends and since I'm always available he's just using me as a weekend lover? Not sure what to think. Should I get rid of this guy before it leads to me getting hurt? I am really starting to like him a lot and keep wanting more. A few more questions OP, what does he do for a living? Is he perhaps not up for weekday company? I personally rather just hang out with my friend fri nite thru sun and if it's a week nite, nothing too long. As for the text he sends. Why do you think the link is silly? Maybe he's sharing it with you for a reason? Are you not interested in his movie choices? I get your bothered because you have feelings, but being objective, he sounds like a busy guy that is already familiar with you so he touches base a few times a week, but reserves the weekend for you. You have access to his FB and while he *may* be dating someone else during the week, again, you said things started fairly casual, unless y'all have had the talk, he is operating on business as usual.
luvnpain Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 Communicate. If you want mid week time, tell him so. If the reason you can't get it is not sufficient, then keep it moving. Not out of the realm of possibility that he is married, but it could be that you are one of many in a rotation. If you are not exclusive, then it's not really uncommon.
Author RedCherries Posted September 29, 2010 Author Posted September 29, 2010 I do need to stop allowing it. I was "allowing" it initially bc it was all I wanted from him. I work 60 hours a week so I have no time for a boyfriend and I was satisfied with just seeing a man on the weekends. But then I started to develop feelings for him and now it just feels insulting. We have had a sort of talk.. I brought it up very casually about 3 weeks ago, the fact that he never calls on weekdays and where we are, what he wants, etc. He works even more than I do, he's an independent film producer and writer and he gave me the excuse that his hours are long. I don't know, maybe it's not an excuse because the man does work long hours. However, at the time he stated that he wasn't sure if he could be in a relationship. He said he only had weekends available, if that, and that he really couldn't be a good boyfriend. I said it was fine and that I wasn't really asking for a relationship, I just needed consistency. I never brought it up again but now HE keeps bringing it up every weekend since. Last weekend when I saw him, he started acting fidgety and started up the conversation about "us." He said he really wasn't being fair and needed to make a decision. I told him he had already made his decision and that I was going to have to make one myself. Since then we haven't spoken (but that's normal for us) and I intend on just slowly weaning myself off him. When he calls this Friday to hang out, I'm going to say no. thanks for the input, everyone!
2sunny Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 he's made you his option - not his priority. this is not a good sign or a good thing. he's not likely to be motivated to make an effort now since he knows he needs to make minimal effort to have you all weekend. if you want change, you must be honest with him - then see if he is willing to make the effort - or not.
atlnay Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 I do need to stop allowing it. I was "allowing" it initially bc it was all I wanted from him. I work 60 hours a week so I have no time for a boyfriend and I was satisfied with just seeing a man on the weekends. But then I started to develop feelings for him and now it just feels insulting. We have had a sort of talk.. I brought it up very casually about 3 weeks ago, the fact that he never calls on weekdays and where we are, what he wants, etc. He works even more than I do, he's an independent film producer and writer and he gave me the excuse that his hours are long. I don't know, maybe it's not an excuse because the man does work long hours. However, at the time he stated that he wasn't sure if he could be in a relationship. He said he only had weekends available, if that, and that he really couldn't be a good boyfriend. I said it was fine and that I wasn't really asking for a relationship, I just needed consistency. Ok OP, it sounds like you two started off as FWB and once you developed feelings you wanted more. Sounds like your guy told you, albeit beating around the bush, he doesn't want a relationship and you said fine. I see the consistency: you spend every weekend together. He said he worked long hours, could be an excuse/could be the truth, but he told you that so he's not going to blow up your texts or see you outside of the weekends. You really have all the info you need, you just need to make a choice and if it is unacceptable now, just end things. He's really not toying with you feelings as much as he doesn't share the feelings you have.
BobSacamento Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 I said it was fine and that I wasn't really asking for a relationship, I just needed consistency. I really do not see the difference. Isn't the basic foundation of a relationship some sort of consistency or reliability? Even if it's just a friendship.
Author RedCherries Posted September 29, 2010 Author Posted September 29, 2010 Sorry, I messed up my words. What I meant by consistency with him was that I didn't like that he fell off he face of the earth during the week. I don't need a boyfriend title, and I don't need exclusivity but I'd like to know that the guy I'm seeing is responsive and respectful of me, as I am with him. I used the wrong word by saying "consistency." We were consistent with our weekend meetings. I'm not really sure what word I meant. Sorry for the confusion.
make me believe Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 You really have all the info you need, you just need to make a choice and if it is unacceptable now, just end things. He's really not toying with you feelings as much as he doesn't share the feelings you have. Agreed. Whether the "long hours" thing is just an excuse or not, he has told you both directly and indirectly that he doesn't want a relationship with you and that you can't expect any more than what you're currently getting from him. It's up to you to decide if you're ok with that or not, and to proceed accordingly.
BobSacamento Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 Sorry, I messed up my words. What I meant by consistency with him was that I didn't like that he fell off he face of the earth during the week. I don't need a boyfriend title, and I don't need exclusivity but I'd like to know that the guy I'm seeing is responsive and respectful of me, as I am with him. I used the wrong word by saying "consistency." We were consistent with our weekend meetings. I'm not really sure what word I meant. Sorry for the confusion. Listen, anyway you try to word it sounds like you want a relationship. That is what I'm getting. You know who calls you during the week to check up on you and responds to your texts? A Boyfriend.
atlnay Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 Sorry, I messed up my words. What I meant by consistency with him was that I didn't like that he fell off he face of the earth during the week. I don't need a boyfriend title, and I don't need exclusivity but I'd like to know that the guy I'm seeing is responsive and respectful of me, as I am with him. I used the wrong word by saying "consistency." We were consistent with our weekend meetings. I'm not really sure what word I meant. Sorry for the confusion. No worries OP, everyone slips up Ok, well you gave a lot of good info in your posts. If he works these long hours, well he's not going to text you during the week, he's kind of made that clear. And if you push the issue and now he does it just to appease you, would you rather get a resentful text just because? Yes it would be courteous for him to reply, but if you know he's busy and you are still texting him, it's not fair to him either. This is touchy and again it's because you now have feelings and want more so you are starting to expect him to reply. When you worked 60 hours and wasn't looking for anything serious, you two were ideal. If that is no longer the case, it's not fair to ask him to increase his load, especially when he said he didn't want a relationship or isn't that material at the moment. Had he said, he was open to something more in the beginning, well, you could tell him you'd like more contact, but that too should've been a standard set from the jump. These are all just lessons learned for the next relationship. Before you get too invested, you may need to consider parting ways. Neither of you is the villain or victim here, the situation is growing into something different is all.
Awesome Username Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 I do need to stop allowing it. I was "allowing" it initially bc it was all I wanted from him. I work 60 hours a week so I have no time for a boyfriend and I was satisfied with just seeing a man on the weekends. But then I started to develop feelings for him and now it just feels insulting. We have had a sort of talk.. I brought it up very casually about 3 weeks ago, the fact that he never calls on weekdays and where we are, what he wants, etc. He works even more than I do, he's an independent film producer and writer and he gave me the excuse that his hours are long. I don't know, maybe it's not an excuse because the man does work long hours. However, at the time he stated that he wasn't sure if he could be in a relationship. He said he only had weekends available, if that, and that he really couldn't be a good boyfriend. I said it was fine and that I wasn't really asking for a relationship, I just needed consistency. I never brought it up again but now HE keeps bringing it up every weekend since. Last weekend when I saw him, he started acting fidgety and started up the conversation about "us." He said he really wasn't being fair and needed to make a decision. I told him he had already made his decision and that I was going to have to make one myself. Since then we haven't spoken (but that's normal for us) and I intend on just slowly weaning myself off him. When he calls this Friday to hang out, I'm going to say no. thanks for the input, everyone! A man that really likes you finds time to see you and doesn't make excuses for not wanting to be in a relationship. He's just not that into you...it happens to the best of us. Cut it off with him and find someone who appreciates you. The way I see it: Time spent with a man who doesn't value you is a waste of pretty.
that girl Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 Some people do have jobs where they are unable to see people during the week. You can either live with that or you can't. What stands out to me more is that he will text you once or twice a week but basically never returns any of your texts. He also seems to call you very last minute. The fact that he is questioning whether or not this is fair might be him trying to figure out what your expectations are. I think at this point, you need to be clear about what you want, so think about it awhile before talking about it. After that, he can either step up or not. This guy is unlikely to be able to hang out during the week. But it isn't unreasonable to ask that he return your infrequent texts within 24 hours or call you before Friday to set up plans. It wouldn't be fair for you to text him 5x a day, but you also shouldn't be leaving your schedule open for someone who doesn't contact you. If you are cool with just a booty call/FWB relationship, it probably shouldn't be all weekend every weekend. Someone is going to get emotionally involved.
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